Interested in feedback

[Anais Nîn]

Hello.

I just submitted this poem and I'd thought I'd put it here for feedback.

Thank you.

Listened

The sound of my own voice
an annoying songbird
in my head

yet

heard

in a silence left for it
a roaring waterfall
reflecting rainbows
of my moods

burden not
in my prayers
the aural giver
I only wish a glow upon

 

[WickedEve]

This is good. It really is. Can it be better? Maybe a little. You did a very good job, in my opinion.
"Annoying songbird" is an interesting phrase and I'm undecided if I like it or not. I'd like to here some others' opinions on that.

Welcome to the board.

Eve

 

[Anais Nîn]

Thanks for the welcome and the comments, Eve.

I didn't really put much thought into it when I chose 'annoying songbird' in my words as it just seemed to fit. Clashing terms, perhaps a little oxymoronic.

 

[WickedEve]

I do like the contrast between annoying and songbird. I suppose it just jumped out at me on the first read and I wasn't quite sure about it.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Me this, me that... Stop admiring your belly button, stop being so full of yourself. Give yourself a chance to observe the thingies around you. Give yourself a chance to write something poetic, not that boring stuff about the rainbows of your mood, ugh! uck!

Good luck,

 

[WickedEve]

Anais, you have now met our dirty secret here on the poetry board. We try to keep Senna locked in the dungeon but he's so darn smart he keeps finding ways to break out. lol

Okay, he has more balls than I do (I'm assuming.) I don't like songbirds, waterfalls and rainbows in poetry - not usually. But being me, I try to encourage new poets on the board. It's still not a bad poem in my opinion but if you stick around for a while I think you'll learn a lot from the poets here.

Eve

 

[Senna Jawa]

Okay, he has more balls than I do (I'm assuming.) I don't like songbirds, waterfalls and rainbows in poetry - not usually. But being me, I try to encourage new poets on the board. It's still not a bad poem [...]
Eve

Will you, Eve and others, stop encouraging people to write BAD poems? Encourage them to write good ones!

Writing poems which say: I am oh so sensitive, I am sooo special, is a waste of time and even worse, it causes an irreversible brain damage. So be responsible, Eve and the rest of you. At least for the medical, if not for the artistic reasons

 

[WickedEve]

Okay, Senna, the best I can do is have 1 ball! But I don't want to scare a new poet away. And I can tell by the poem that this poet has potential. It's not like Anais presented us with "It's just my luck, I love to fuck!" Common, you know how many of those stinkers pop up at lit.

 

[OT]

Anais,

In case you are new around here and your head is reeling from the feedback extremes, remember that you shouldn't be crushed by the negative, nor let your head swell from the positive.

One way to get goodness from a compost pile of would-be poetry is to encourage seeds of goodness, while flicking away the turds.

SJ tends to focus on the crap, while Eve tends to focus more on the seeds.

Both approaches can be useful.

BTW, I'm not calling your poem a pile of crap.

It started off well (anyone who has partied a little too hard and late, can relate to an annoying songbird) I thought you were going to do something with that image.

Rainbows and waterfalls have been used to the point where they should be strictly rationed.

Focus, flick and keep writing.

 

[WickedEve]

Anais,

In case you are new around here and your head is reeling from the feedback extremes, remember that you shouldn't be crushed by the negative, nor let your head swell from the positive.

One way to get goodness from a compost pile of would-be poetry is to encourage seeds of goodness, while flicking away the turds.

SJ tends to focus on the crap, while Eve tends to focus more on the seeds.

Both approaches can be useful.

BTW, I'm not calling your poem a pile of crap.

It started off well (anyone who has partied a little too hard and late, can relate to an annoying songbird) I thought you were going to do something with that image.

Rainbows and waterfalls have been used to the point where they should be strictly rationed.

Focus, flick and keep writing.

Flick away the turds? You are a wise wooden thing, OT.

 

[Angeline]

Medical?

Senna Jawa said:

So be responsible, Eve and the rest of you. At least for the medical, if not for the artistic reasons


If we were being responsible for "medical" reasons, we would not listen to your ranting, which is stress-inducing, lol.

I do not think that "good" and "bad" are totally subjective in terms of poetry, but I do think the range that you use to determine these qualities is way too narrow for me. You see "poetry"--at least if one goes by many of your own poems and the ones you say you like--as being spare, creating images with literal language that are metaphoric because they are being used in unexpected ways, and have complete distance from the poet (i.e., his or her ideas about the poem: no "talk-talk"). Ok. So that's "poetry." But IMHO it is not the only way to manipulate words and end up with a poem.

And you are right--there isn't a poem (or to placate you, a piece of writing inaccurately referred to as a "poem") in existence that is perfect. But if I understand your definition of what constitutes a poem, then I have to accept that Shakespeare's sonnets, Browning's dramatic monologues, T.S. Eliot's explorations of self, Langston Hughes' remonstrations, etc., whatever they are, aren't poems.

I try to understand your ideas because underneath the joking and browbeating is solid advice. And I appreciate and admire your ability--however vitriolically presented--to get me to see things differently. But if poetry--real poetry--is only this little margin that you define, what IS all that other stuff? That is a sincere question, respectfully put. Please explain if you will.

Does poetry come from following a set of rules, the reader's response, a combination of those?

What do you think of this quote, Senna?

Poetry should be great and unobtrusive, a thing which enters into one’s soul, and does not startle it or amaze it with itself, but with its subject.

[ATTRIBUTION: John Keats (1795–1821), British poet. Letter, February 3, 1818. Letters of John Keats, no. 44, ed. Frederick Page (1954).]

I think that quote expresses the same definition that I hear in your examples.

Did Keats write poetry?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anais, welcome to the board, and please accept my apologies for hijacking your thread.

There are things I like about "Listened," though I do agree with Eve and Senna that "roaring waterfall" and "rainbow" are overused to the point where they are seen as cliched. I would look for something unexpected to express the loudness with which your inner voice speaks and reflects your state of mind. Maybe if you think of things that are noisy in quiet places, you'll find something less immediately apparent that works better. I hope that helps some...

 

[Anais Nîn]

Interesting comments. They do make me see things differently than before and perhaps the next time I write I will approach my words differently. Thanks for the constructive remarks.

As for the subject matter, Senna (does this name refer to what it makes you do, I wonder) since I write from the heart it will at times focus on me and my experience. Conceited perhaps but it provides me with an outlet I often need.

btw....Turds provide the nutrition for seeds.

 

[Anais Nîn]

Interesting comments. They do make me see things differently than before and perhaps the next time I write I will approach my words differently. Thanks for the constructive remarks.

As for the subject matter, Senna (does this name refer to what it makes you do, I wonder) since I write from the heart it will at times focus on me and my experience. Conceited perhaps but it provides me with an outlet I often need.

btw....Turds provide the nutrition for seeds.

 

[Anais Nîn]

Interesting comments. They do make me see things differently than before and perhaps the next time I write I will approach my words differently. Thanks for the constructive remarks.

As for the subject matter, Senna (does this name refer to what it makes you do, I wonder) since I write from the heart it will at times focus on me and my experience. Conceited perhaps but it provides me with an outlet I often need.

btw....Turds provide the nutrition for seeds.

 

[Anais Nîn]

Interesting comments. They do make me see things differently than before and perhaps the next time I write I will approach my words differently. Thanks for the constructive remarks.

As for the subject matter, Senna (does this name refer to what it makes you do, I wonder) since I write from the heart it will at times focus on me and my experience. Conceited perhaps but it provides me with an outlet I often need.

btw....Turds provide the nutrition for seeds.

 

[Anais Nîn]

Interesting comments. They do make me see things differently than before and perhaps the next time I write I will approach my words differently. Thanks for the constructive remarks.

As for the subject matter, Senna (does this name refer to what it makes you do, I wonder) since I write from the heart it will at times focus on me and my experience. Conceited perhaps but it provides me with an outlet I often need.

btw....Turds provide the nutrition for seeds.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: Medical?

[...] if I understand your definition of what constitutes a poem, then I have to accept that Shakespeare's sonnets, Browning's dramatic monologues, T.S. Eliot's explorations of self, Langston Hughes' remonstrations, etc., whatever they are, aren't poems.

[...] if poetry--real poetry--is only this little margin that you define, what IS all that other stuff?

Bad taste.

You and I are overstating things here. What would yoo call a dish which in principle has a lot of tasty stuff but is partially rotten, partially dirty, etc.? Well, you'd state: great dish! and you would eat it without blinking your eye, because that's you, sweet Angeline . But I don't have such a good stomach, and my face gets all twisted in the process, I can't pretend that I like such a dish in toto.

What do you think of this quote, Senna?

Poetry should be great and unobtrusive, a thing which enters into one’s soul, and does not startle it or amaze it with itself, but with its subject.

[ATTRIBUTION: John Keats (1795–1821), British poet. Letter, February 3, 1818. Letters of John Keats, no. 44, ed. Frederick Page (1954).]

I think that quote expresses the same definition that I hear in your examples.

There is nothing wrong with this quote, it is fine, except that it is too vague to be useful, helpful.

I just have decided on writing down my views on poetry ("my" doesn't mean "wholly original", there will be hardly anything original in them except that possibly I will get a little further here and there, a little more systematic, etc, and first of all I'll put theses views together, in a consistent way, while in literature you will find only fragments, or they may be mixed up with say "zen", etc).

I am impatient, hence I'll post them right on this board, in several instalments. When the discussion and threads will get bulky, hence somewhat messy, I'll simply copy the destilled version into a new thread

That's it. I worried about this and that, looking for adequate conditions, so I was not likely to start at all. Thus after all I will do it, even if poorly. Still, something good should come out of it. I hope.

I hope that the forum's constructive participation will make things happen. I especially hope that several of you will provide some well known, analyzed in literature, critical poems or their fragments. This way we will have illustrations for the general concepts, and we will be able to compare different views, when possible.

Try to be patient and positive. The right proportions and understanding will not occur just after the very first expositions. Give it time, give it a chance. Do ask questions, raise doubts, just don't tell me that I said things which I didn't and don't jump to fast conclusions. Concentrate on searching. Then we can get something nice, something of a value. And that despite the fact that you may still disagree with my views after all, after all I say and do. I am sure you will

Now that I have committed myself I am scared out of my wits, I am terrified

Oh, KarmaDog--the thread giver, revive if you would, please, your thread with poems of interest, from outside of Literotica.

Best regards,

 

[Senna Jawa]

As for the subject matter, Senna (does this name refer to what it makes you do, I wonder) since I write from the heart it will at times focus on me and my experience. Conceited perhaps but it provides me with an outlet I often need.

"Senna" is Polish adjective for English "sleepy". And Polish noun "Jawa" stands for "reality", "conscientiousness", "awakeness", as oppossed to sleep and dream ("jawa" associates also with illusions, halucinations, because of sayings which have both sleep and "jawa" in them) Thus "Senna Jawa" stands for "Dreamy Awakeness", except that in Polish it sounds better.

Anais, it's not from where you write (heart is fine, even the best, especially when combined with a sharp and unobtrusive brain--so smart that it stays in the background), and it is not what you write (you and your experiences are fine), but how you write. You should write about things which you know very well. "Things" may be just details sometimes, you do not have to know always the whole chapter of life and universe and science and and similar. But you do have to know what you actually write. Being very specific and staying away from any pronouncements is decisive. And one shouldn't make a big fuss over himself or herself, we are not any belly button of the Universe.

BTW, there are poems which are perfect or nearly perfect for what they are, and for their historical time (I am qualifying Angela's statement or her view about my view ).

Welcome Anais to Literotica, and to this forum.

Best regards,

 

[welshman]

Hello.

I just submitted this poem and I'd thought I'd put it here for feedback.

Thank you.

Listened

The sound of my own voice
an annoying songbird
in my head

yet

heard

in a silence left for it
a roaring waterfall
reflecting rainbows
of my moods

burden not
in my prayers
the aural giver
I only wish a glow upon

I'm not much into poetry as you can tell by my effort below. Only one comment.... not very erotic is it ;¬)

Wearing anything silk?

 

[HomerPindar]

Hey Anais, welcome aboard

I like the opening, but, as been said, the cliches weaken the whole. One particular challenge that's been used here fairlu often that I'm fond of is to write about something without using particular key words. This is a great excersise for getting away from cliches. Describe a rainbow, or waterfall, without using either word, or the related ones you might find in a thesarus.

HomerPindar

 

[MyOpinion]

removed

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: There are other connotations

[...] This shrub is usually less than 8 feet tall.

[...] This is a low plant that rarely exceeds 18 inches in height.

Opi, that was an impressive piece of research!

Senna, "Dreamy Awakeness" is overused, no matter the language.

You must know Polish better than me! I'll consult you on the occasions of writing my new poems in Polish.

By-the-by, Senna, here is a quote on magic:

"Magic is nature unimpeded." The line appears in The Magical Approach by Jane Roberts. Do you know of her and her works?

Sorry, I don't.

Regards,

 

[MyOpinion]

Re: Re: There are other connotations

moved to new thread because I do not want to kidnap Anais'