Intensity of sex when trying to get pregnant

[angela146]

Back when hubby and I thought we could have children, when we were trying to get pregnant, the sex itself was incredible.

There was a jumble of emotions, especially for me. I really wanted children, but the whole process of being pregnant and giving birth scared the Hell out of me.

And besides that, having children changes everything - the relationship, your priorities in life, how you spend your time, you careers, the fact that there will be a child presumably for the rest of your life who will be part of your life.

Would I be a good mother? What would my children be like? Would I even survive childbirth?

The first couple of times, I kept changing my mind half-way through, but then afterward I would change my mind back.

Hubby was less scared of the whole thing, but he was nervous too. Still, he wasn't going to be the one who had the baby inside him for nine months. He just had to worry about me the whole time.

Anyway, he didn't have the problem of "cold feet" half way through. So, I told to "just do it" - to keep going even when I said "stop". I asked him to take the decision out of my hands.

He did... slowly, passionately, forcefully, whispering in my ear the whole time, reminding me what we were doing and how much he loved me. He didn't distract me from the fear, he held me in the fear and gave me the full experience of it.

I was still scared out of my mind, and it was an incredible kind of scared. He literally held me down with his weight and his strength, but with a gentleness of loving and caring.

It felt like sex the way it was *really* supposed to be: the man on top and the woman not really having a choice in the matter - in the moment at least.

I was able to let go and just put my faith in him that everything would be alright. It touched me in a deep way that no other kind of sex ever has, especially when I could feel him throbbing inside me and I knew it was happening.

And then, to ice the cake, he kept going and made me come repeatedly, knowing that that would make it all the more likely that I would actually get pregnant (or so we thought). Those were moments of pure Heaven.

Anyway, when people talk about the "necessity" of consent in sex... I so want to tell them that they just don't understand.

It's difficult to explain, but for me, the best sex - the only *real* sex - is semi-consensual, between a husband and wife.

The true ecstasy of love comes when I say, "No! Not right now! Let's wait another month! No! PLEASE! WAIT! HONEY! NO!" and then he wraps his arms around me and kisses me while I scream and he throbs inside me and fills me.

Ever since we found out that we can't conceive, we've looked for ways to re-create that feeling - to create moments when I say "no" and really mean it - where I feel truly mastered. Sometimes we get there, but it's still missing that element...

... the element of creating new life, of knowing that there will be a little boy or girl who will grow up to be a man or a woman, who I will love even if they grow to hate me for being a terrible mother.

That is a big part of why I write my stories, and why I love my husband as much as I do.

And, for me, it's a big part of why "no" doesn't really mean "no" between a husband and wife.

 

[Huckleman2000]

That's a beautiful and moving expression of your intensely personal feelings, Angela.

 

[angela146]

That's a beautiful and moving expression of your intensely personal feelings, Angela.

 

[AvoidingRealWork]

Anyway, he didn't have the problem of "cold feet" half way through. So, I told to "just do it" - to keep going even when I said "stop". I asked him to take the decision out of my hands.

He did... slowly, passionately, forcefully, whispering in my ear the whole time, reminding me what we were doing and how much he loved me. He didn't distract me from the fear, he held me in the fear and gave me the full experience of it.

I was still scared out of my mind, and it was an incredible kind of scared. He literally held me down with his weight and his strength, but with a gentleness of loving and caring.

It felt like sex the way it was *really* supposed to be: the man on top and the woman not really having a choice in the matter - in the moment at least.

Wow. As a supposedly enlightened, sensitive, feminist, 21st-Century guy, I'm embarrassed to admit that left me short of breath.

Sex is an animal thing. And animals have no concept of "consensuality." It's only "I must reproduce!!!!" But that doesn't mean animals aren't still beautiful and wonderful. All sorts of things could be said philosophically about the nature of existence - how many of us owe our lives to the action of a dominant will over another. Perhaps that's what the theologians really mean when they talk about "Original Sin."

I also have heard statistics that rapes produce conception at a much higher rate than consensual sex. Never really knew what to make of it.

Anyway, that was very beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

 

[ms.read]

Whew, thats hot under the collar stuff, angela.

 

[jomar]

Thanks.

 

[angela146]

Thank you!

The very first time we did it "for real" (unprotected at that time of the month) was the time *before* the incident I describe in the original post.

I had gone off of the pill and we started using condoms for a couple of months. Then, once my cycle came back around for the third time or so, he acted, at first, as if he had forgotten to put on a condom. I started getting nervous and said, "Honey?"

There was a moment when I realized that he knew what he was doing, and that he wasn't going to pull out. In the same instant that I started to move my hands to push back, he grabbed my wrists and pinned them beside me, while pressing his lower body to restrain me.

The look in his eye became one of sinister lust. His smile was that of a lion. I said "NO!"

There was a word for what he was doing to me.

I cried and said "please don't!". He closed his eyes, tightened is grip and savored it. It is a very rare moment when I say "no" to him and really mean it. I was scared out my mind that he was going to do it without any discussion.

I cried hard, in fear, and with a deep sense of betrayal.

And yet, I wanted it more than anything else in the world - right then, I wanted him to do it as I screamed "no".

He pulled out at the very very last second.

I screamed at him "NOOOO!" (at that point, meaning, "no, don't pull out").

As he came on my stomach, he laughed and said, "I love you." It was really difficult for him to hold me still while he came, especially with me screaming at him and calling him every name in the book.

He had to continue to hold my wrists - in order to prevent me from beating him to a pulp. I was furious. It was absolutely perfect and he ruined it!

But, as I returned to my senses, he told me what I already knew: He couldn't make that decision unilaterally. It was way too much of a life change for either of us to make alone.

There is a part of me that still smolders at him for not "finishing the job". To this day, I sometimes, out of the blue, hit him about the face and shoulders without warning, and he immediately knows why and we both laugh.

I have forgiven him for r'ing me and for not r'ing me.

But that fucking is one of the reasons that I trust him with my life and soul.

He knew at the time that I would have forgiven him if he had come inside me - but he didn't - even though I wanted him to.

No matter how confused the signals are that I send him, he reads my mind, and does the right thing - sometimes despite what I want him to do.