Insightful, useful feedback

[Lauren Hynde]

I would be honored if someone could review my humble beginnings. I think that some of my poems posted are not so good (suck) and some are not so bad,..so I am open to a good swatting/squeeze, whichever I deserve.

Hi, Suitep. Just letting you know I already did read all your poems, and only haven't posted my feedback yet because I had some work things to deal with today. But well, tomorrow is Saturday.

 

[CharleyH]

Champagne: Part One

Well wow! How much poetry Champagne1982 has and her page was overwhelming to me. I wasn't sure where to start, so I started at the first one. I can't possibly comment on all of them, and yet I don't want to leave any out, and so I'll select a cross and I will be picky here, and say that I prefer to comment on your erotic poetry only because it a better skill for me and this is Literotica, aferall, where sex rules. However, poems like "A remarkable Anniversary" show different and beautiful sides to you, so I'm sorry that I am leaving them out. I did not know you also wrote erotic stories! Talented chick!

I have chosen six poems, 2 from each year, one hot rated and the other without a wee H, as I felt this would give me a widest as possible sampling of your work, although I may not comment on all of them.

Adoration and Salivation: 2003
Why Mormons don't dance: 2003
Love's Stain Upon Me (a ghazal): 2004
Naked Mango: 2004
Lust's Canvas: 2005
Awoke: 2005

It is not that these six poems summarize your talent, and I just want to make it clear that I am referring to these poems as semi-random choices. I would much rather comment in a greater context that would bring together three major recurring themes that you revisit in your poetry with consistency and those are art, music and exotic fruit. However, in that case, I may as well write a dissertation . However, because I did read all of your erotic poetry and these were symbols that repetitively struck me and stick with me, I wanted to mention them, even if I may only comment on them in a cursory way … I just want you to be aware that because I noticed it, these three ideas will no doubt influence me when I re-read these specific poems.

First of all, it's an absolute turn on to me to see your growth as a poet, particularly in the area semiotics, which is more up my alley, but also the obvious poetic maturity from an early poem like Adoration and Salvation and the more recent Awoke. There seems to me, a green simplicity of poetic rhyme that you used in 2003 that you increasingly abandon, even now, as you gain experience as a poet.

On one hand, the dichotomy between 2003 and 2005, it's as if you became comfortable in your own poetic skin, challenging yourself with more complex poetry, more in-depth symbols/metaphors and almost abandoning the lyric-like simplicity that appeared to influence you three years ago. For example:

from Adoration and Salvation
Semiotically you moved from chiseled chest and abdomen in the first stanza, to a wiry frame in the second, which appears to me like a contradiction, or perhaps merely a sample of more haphazardly written.
Rhyme wise you almost lapsed into keeping rhythm by adding complete rhymes as an after thought in two stanzas:
"My lips tingling against your wiry frame,
as they seek ways to enflame,
and
About to feast.
I seems the least,

This in comparison to:

from Awoke a more partial rhyme used strategically and beautifully dichotomic:
Pleas of please hammer your ears
and
in metaphor:
I felt it warm and wet as the path was drawn,
winding down the fragile folds you worried
your way into.

What incredible growth and what an absolutely amazingly erotic stanza that is! You say it so beautifully and without ever saying it. It is a talent that you seem to have found in yourself. What I mean by this is that I detected a reluctance in your erotic poetry in 2003 … an almost purposeful avoidance of, not sex, but the words one might use in porn … cunt – pussy – cock. I feel, reading your poetry that you have discovered the beauty of the erotic in describing the act, but never giving away the dirty. Anyhow, its wonderful and these are two observations about how I see you have grown into your "poetesness".

2004 seemed like a bridging year for you. A bit more experimental and leaping forward in my eyes. Love's Stain Upon Me (a ghazal) really struck me as your pivotal moment in that year, and I mean a change in your perspective or style in poetry. It is one of the poems I chose more purposefully because it is, conscious of it or not, the only time in all your erotic poetry where you are self-reflexive in using your Lit name (sorry – my background is film and I tend to use a lot of that terminology).

You do something very different to me, with this poem, particularly in the way you arrange your lines in narrative form… 5 stanzas and each with 2 distinct sentences … nothing more and nothing less and all of those lines are brilliantly metred. I have no concept of feet or what kind of metre, but every single line is exactly 20 syllables. I'm not sure what the significance of the metred lines are, although I'm sure they were chosen for either a significant reason or simply (lol – like I do) because that is how the first line worked out. However, in the context of the poem, I see your style moved from ordering lines to more and more free narrative form:

If a story of our love were told there would be a golden light around your soul

In reading, I get a feeling of longer and more free flowing lines from your previous poetry and yet there seems precision here ... confined by the measured syllablles, written with the same brevity you write all your erotic poems and yet something wonting. Being a big fan of absurd theatre, I view, in this poem, the form as inseparable from the content: I see both freedom in your symbols: wetness, rain, light, soul, haze, flows… and a wanting for raw abandonment which is unobtained due to the combination of certain words in sonjunction with form. Iit is still the form that confines, despite it's surface free flow appearance and all these words are intermingled with their opposites IE: If a story of our love were told (as you tell), face nestled against my throat (harsh compared to nape or neck) there are hot moments we could lose ourselves … as we mate (an interesting yet cold choice considering you used more freeing words previously) … you push the burden of being sane upon me.

This is an intriguing poem that I'd love to linger more in as it deserves it.

Anyhow, I wanted to give a general impression from your years as a poet before giving fuller attention to the two 2005 poems. (it may take longer than tomorrow though (apologies).

I am re-reading and editig, which always makes for mistakes, so please tell me if you don't understand something. So far, so enjoying .... but I will get tougher in part 2 as I want to offer a reading of the two recent poems, knowing what I know about ... well ... what I have learned I guess.

Cheers Carrie.

 

[CharleyH]

Bump, only because it deserves a bump.

 

[champagne1982]

Thanks so much for this (holy cow, it's just a) beginning. I feel justified in leaving all those poems posted, a chronologic depiction of growing. Of course my erotic poetry changed, but to know that a fresh pair of eyes can see it, too; now that's rewarding.

Some of the works I posted as erotic, may not seem so, to many people on first read, but the ones I mark erotic were written when I was feeling pretty damned randy, so I just know there's gotta be a hidden arousal in it for someone, all they need do is sniff it out.

Whereas many people say a few of my non-erotics are exactly the opposite, I think the distinction I've made between them has been how they linger in sensuality, over what the language of the poem may say. Many of these were written as I felt that rare thing- deep, soulful love.

Ahh, the ghazal, I think I got lucky when I wrote that. The 20 syllabic count was just a choice I made after reading some of the rules of the ghazal format. Many poets feel comfortable in double iambic pentameter, I didn't, so I chose the 20 count instead. I have discovered, through reading and seeing what many language students say, English is a fortuitous language, it's almost impossible not to find a rhythm in it and the 20 syllable count allowed for just enough variation in word length to prove that feature true.

Another thing, I discovered the ghazal just as I was in the midst of discovering Jelladin Rumi, the great Sufi poet. His language (albeit the word choices were the translator's) was singing to me. Here, on the poetry board, we'd been working through the rubiyaat format and then Cordelia (hello lovely lady!) brought up ghazals (pronounced guzzle not gazelle...). I just had to try 'em then. Thus, was born "Love's Stain Upon Me".

The first poem on your list, is actually the second in a series, I never did post the third, I had started getting those kinds of emails after I'd put up the first, "Ulalations and Undulations".

You're right about the "cock, pussy, cunt" thing. I find it very difficult to write a true piece of erotica using many of the pornographic words and phrases. It's just not as sexy in a poem to write, "Fuck me with that big ole cock, baby." as it is to say, "Slip inside and feel the wet of fuschia curtains wrap around your robust hello."... Yes! Yes, I know. One definitely sounds cornier than the other, but I can't help myself.

Thankyou, again, for taking the time to get to know me. My poems are the most personal part of my public me and I think through them, I let a little of my soul out.

Carrie,
a Canadian beaver

 

[eagleyez]

I would love someone to do me, but it's really not fair. I've been reading these and other posts and I just don't have the wherewithall to do justice to someone elses work. I know y'all say any opinion is valid but I don't know why I like something. I just like it or I don't. And thats not required here.

Its the reason I quit posting poems here, though. All I was getting was rah rah's from my friends. I rarely get true critique. But I don't know how to give it so I guess it's fair.

But I'm learning by reading, so y'all keep on!!

Well said Boo. My lame attempts at criticism would be pure folly. I read and learn what i can-otherwise I just write and move on. Just my own prediliction, and certainly not meant to critique the critiquer(s). Nice idea however.

 

[BooMerengue]

Bump, only because it deserves a bump.

It deserves more than a bump! You deserve 5 gold stars for that review of Champ's work. Terriffic job, and I, too, thank you!!

will 5 bananas suffice??

 

[sack]

I decided on Lauren Hynde

I looked at one story and three poems of Lauren Hynde. The former, Letters From Pohjola is one of the delights of literotica and essential reading for anyone. It's very difficult to write something ENTIRELY in a letter format, but Lauren manages to pull it off. The sex retelling is incredibly erotic, even more so for being less blatant than the typical lit. fare. Lauren, with just a few aptly chosen words, gets the thermometer rising! Her pacing, flow, and structure of this story are expert, I can't say enough good things about it!

Lauren's one "E" poem, I Can Love You, is another winner. I especially like the ending:

But how high the precipice
that separates my lips from
your skin

Which a lesser poet would have rendered "I long to put my lips closer to your skin" or some such thing. This poem is short, but resonates in the mind long after reading it. Highly recommended!

Many of Lauren Hynde's submissions are illustrated and of these, Blue-green Blues is my personal favorite. The illustration alone is marvelous with an almost indescribable color and play of light (or maybe I should say "play of darkness"?). Moreover, the text is very musical, bopping along from one line to the next effortlessly. I also like the placement of the words against the illustration. Probably the finest illustrated poem on Lit., do yourself a favor and check this one out!

Of Lauren's other erotic poems, I have always had a passion for Copacetic Persuasion. The only thing to eschew here is Senna Jawa's boring and useless analysis...I wish Lauren had deleted it! Notable here are the subtle statements that are oh so sensual such as: "All I need is the fire horizontal the swing of a hip" which most people would have rendered "All I need is a hot cock swinging in and out of my warm gash". You can't say Lauren ever uses cliche! Some have thought her work too recondite, but even her more challenging poems are certainly worth reading. I can't find anything to criticise in her 100+ poems, just wish she would leave public comments as she could help so many people. I also would like her to be more generous in her New Poem reviews. But these are minor cavils....Lauren Hynde is a true giant of lit., and a beautiful soul besides! Thanks for enriching my life, Lauren, my hat's off to you!

Sack

 

[suitep]

Whenever you're able, and thank you.

 

[CharleyH]

Champagne Part 2

Apologies for taking a while, things happened.

Reading of Lust's Canvass

The first stanza is telling. If one lies awake it is an indication the lover is sleeping first off and in the first line 'grey half-light' makes me believe the teller of the poem is bored or "with an ache" and wanting something formerly obtained perhaps.

Dually and interestingly, a 'tell-tale' witness, which makes me think of Edgar Allen Poe. In fact, this whole first stanza reminds me of the story The Tell-Tale Heart, albeit in a different and new context, however slightly, because I think one can't think, at least I can't, of anything tell-tale without immediately having an image of the beating heart from this story. In this new way, I love how you piece that thought more erotically charged with an ache for sex and continual wetness. It's as if the stanza is dedicated to that story in the same way as someone like Quentin Tarantino references or pays homage/ acknowledgement to previous and admired or influential filmmakers. I ADORE it and would never change a word of this absolutely beautiful start.

These things may or not play in the rest of the poem, but they are the very first images I come across. In conjunction with the first line of the second stanza …wanting something that the narrator once had seems a theme more present because the poet goes back to finger-painting, a child's game, an earlier time and the word 'gauche' confirms this, particularly as the poet refers to the sexual desire as

a dream spending leaving
pearlescent pools on my thighs

A dream is something not really tangible, fleeting as the poet confirms, and I like those two verbs rhyming side by side and with, in the second line, thighs, which doesn't rhyme, but certainly, in my ear, has an effect of it. What I like about the second stanza is the keeping with the erotic, but also the narrative movement from the "wetness, there" to an exceptionally erotic telling of pearlescent pools, moved I assume as a reader, from her pussy, which is a gorgeous line, I think.

Wonton sighs murmured
across a hundred hills
bring your fingers
to cover mine and draw Cupid's
arrow pointing upwards
at the target of g-spot
clit and womb

Here we have a blatant wanting. I'd have considered "bring your fingers" an ask; except for the fourth stanza which is certainly a more fervent beg.

Give me this
now, tonight.
Don't leave me
Without sliding
In and out and over
Again against those places

In having read your poetry, I was struck by your submissive view toward sex (nothing personal – it's a great thing! )Yet, through a persistent feminine persona that permeates your work, I do see that submissiveness arise from your erotic poetry … the wontingness to be taken although almost romantically, like in a romance genre story for example, and not like hard, raw fucking take me you bastard sex. There's always a dance in the erotic sex of your poetry, and it's always with the assumed female narrator being submissive, or wanting to feel submissive or free, as you will, to her feminine desires and energy:

From Awoke:
"Destroy my hoard of composure"
From Adoration and Salvation:
"Baby, allow my tongue,"

The romantic eroticism that I do see in much of your poetry seems summarized by this particular poem, both the title Lust's Canvass because a canvass is still as far away as a dream, it's just a bit more tangible because you can put your hand on it and move with the very sexual strokes and contours depending on the paint. In this way, I was left wonting, myself, at the end of this poem with the narrator:

Don't leave me
without giving my mind
a loving caress
to make the dream real

I felt a bit of disappointment, not in the poem, but with the narrator not being able to see the canvass of her own body and bringing the brush to dab and jut and stroke. I was disappointed by her giving up, and begging in the end for something she never wanted in the first place "a loving caress of the mind" just a little tease of the imagination rather than what I see as the real desire of the poem: to be taken, set free by lust.

Certainly, it's a complex poem Champagne. I see, even in the canvass, a dichotomy of freedoms and prisons, I could talk about your use of the word womb, and I'm sure many other things that I am missing for lack of quality time with your poem.

I loved discovering your work, though and I look forward to see how you continue your poetic movement forward.

Cheers,
Charley

 

[CharleyH]

So where is everyone else?

I enjoyed reading Champagne's poetry and just wanted to send a separate thank you to her for her patience in waiting for my view and specifically for asking me to go ahead to work through her art in my POV. It was pure pleasure.

While it may take another 2 to 3 weeks, I'll be approaching something of MET's next.

After that, he won't be able to complain about another critic AGAIN!!!! (lol) :| maybe.

 

[champagne1982]

With regards to Charley and sincere thanks,

Your time with "Lust's Canvas" has resulted in a very astute analysis of this poem. I'm going to need to be careful around you from now on. I suspect you're a gypsy fortune teller clothed in a symiotic analyst's dressing gown.

There are a couple of errors in your interpretation that I'd like to point out, mayhap changing your thinking just slightly.

…wanting something that the narrator once had seems a theme more present because the poet goes back to finger-painting, a child's game, an earlier time and the word 'gauche' confirms this, particularly as the poet refers to the sexual desire as

Here, you show that you've fallen into the same trap as WickedEve <gloat>I can't imagine two lovelier deer in my pit</gloat> in that you're guessing I'd made a spelling error in "guache" when I should have used "gauche". I meant guache. It is a glue used to prime artist's canvas and is also mixed with tempera pigments to make... well, fingerpaints. I do like the spelling's visual proximity to gauche though.

<chagrin>Oh my! I have just searched Google for a reference to guache and I've discovered that there is a spelling error.

gouache ( P ) Pronunciation Key (gwäsh, g-äsh)
n.

A method of painting with opaque watercolors mixed with a preparation of gum.
An opaque pigment used when painting in this way.
A painting executed in this manner.​

I will be correcting that as soon as I can.</chagrin>

But, I cannot leave without offering my thanks, again, as I gush gouache gauchely down my...

chin? ​

 

[CharleyH]

With regards to Charley and sincere thanks,

Your time with "Lust's Canvas" has resulted in a very astute analysis of this poem. I'm going to need to be careful around you from now on. I suspect you're a gypsy fortune teller clothed in a symiotic analyst's dressing gown.

There are a couple of errors in your interpretation that I'd like to point out, mayhap changing your thinking just slightly.Here, you show that you've fallen into the same trap as WickedEve <gloat>I can't imagine two lovelier deer in my pit</gloat> in that you're guessing I'd made a spelling error in "guache" when I should have used "gauche". I meant guache. It is a glue used to prime artist's canvas and is also mixed with tempera pigments to make... well, fingerpaints. I do like the spelling's visual proximity to gauche though.

<chagrin>Oh my! I have just searched Google for a reference to guache and I've discovered that there is a spelling error.

gouache ( P ) Pronunciation Key (gwäsh, g-äsh)
n.

A method of painting with opaque watercolors mixed with a preparation of gum.
An opaque pigment used when painting in this way.
A painting executed in this manner.​

I will be correcting that as soon as I can.</chagrin>

But, I cannot leave without offering my thanks, again, as I gush gouache gauchely down my...

chin? ​

WELL LOL and slap my ass (I hope ). My lover pointed out to me the other day, when I was making notes, that I needed to look at that word differently. I did not listen LOL, and when I see the word gauche (guache), I think of an AH persona, can't help myself, but you have learned me new tricks! NOW get the spelling right, so the Wicked one and I don't look so blonde!