Insecurities

[naamplao]

I am by nature a very positive person. It takes a lot to make me turn from a project. If an approach to a problem does not work...I'll try Plan B...if that doesn't work there is always Plan C....as long as there is a Plan ? to try...I will try it. I usually stumble on a workable solution eventually and only give up when I have exhausted all possibilities.

As a result I have a tough time dealing with people who don't have a positive outlook on things or themselves. I find that they can think of 10 ways that something can fail but they fail to find the one way that something will succeed.

I suppose when it comes to relationships this becomes a character flaw for me.

I will be meeting a person in the summer whom I have been chatting with for over 2 years. During this time, we have chatted regularily on a variety of subjects, exchanged views and frankly had very enjoyable conversations. No red flags, no bad opinions....nothing but good vibes. She lives in a France and English is a second language for her...in fact she teaches it at the middle school level ( actually I help many non-native Engllish teachers over the 'net....I have may TOEFL certificate and have also taught overseas). So she asked if I would be willing to visit her for a month and tour her country with her and thereby she can practise her conversational English. Great!!! I would love too.

But now the negatives come down the pipe. After this proposal and my acceptance, she starts with things like "my house is probably not as good as yours" (maybe it is or maybe it isn't...that does not bother me), "I may not look good to you when you arrive" (well I have two pictures of her and she looks fine to me, I should say that nothing suggestive has passed between us in those 2+ years...it is one of my red flags before meeting...however, my feeling is she is a good person...so if something were to happen (and I figure it probably will)...we are adults and single.)

She is in her late 40's, French, never married, and tried to adopt a child when we first met but failed(probably due to late age and being single).

Anyway, There is a 10% chance she has truly been stringing me a line but I don't think so. During a 2 year period of chatting those types usually show their colors or just give up and disappear. If it is so, my plan B is just to have a normal vacation in the area for a month...no problem.

I like this person...However I find it difficult to respond to these insecurities of hers. I think I would have a very nice, inexpensive vacation touring parts of France and helping her with her English conversation. If it led to something more....Bonus!

Any thoughts on how I can cope with the negatives?

 

[DrHappy]

Relax. I think that you have the right idea. Plan on enjoying your visit with this woman in person. If things work out so that a relationship progresses, then great! Given that you'd chatted for two years, this will almost certainly be a pleasant meeting. Two comments come to mind:

1. Yes, she may be a little insecure in certain areas, possibly in relationships possibly because she hasn't been married. You probably have your own baggage as well. We all do. I wouldn't be too worried that this insecurity in this area necessarily means that she has a negative personality. I've known some REALLY nice positive people who were insecure about certain aspects of themselves. Some people are very positive about everything around them, but their self image needs a boost.

2. I did lots of online dating before I met the woman that I married. A person's online personality is often very different from their face-to-face personality. There are many facets of a person's personality and chemistry that you don't see online. I think that people tend to fill in the gaps with what they WANT to see. Be prepared to see someone a little different than you were expecting. Also, be open minded that this person (although different that you expected), may be just as wonderful as you had hoped.

You referred to her insecurities as "red flags". I'd call them "yellow" flags at this stage, but I think that it would be impossible not to find any yellow flags. Have fun and good luck!

 

[naamplao]

You referred to her insecurities as "red flags". I'd call them "yellow" flags at this stage, but I think that it would be impossible not to find any yellow flags. Have fun and good luck!

No these insecurities are not red flags to me. You misread my point there

I should say that nothing suggestive has passed between us in those 2+ years...it is one of my red flags before meeting.

I meant there that a red flag for me would have been suggestive advances early in an internet relationship and that did not happen. No there are still no red flags about seeing her.

I suppose what I am saying is I have difficulty responding to these insecurities she is showing. She is obviously a bit apprehensive now that, I suppose fantasy has turned fact. I should point out that this is not my first meeting with on-line acquaintances....but it is the first with one showing this behavior.

Thanks for your comment.

 

[Denae]

I'm guessing that the reality of the situation (of actually meeting) is causing the insecurity. There is some good chemistry, so far, and genuine appreciation. Perhaps she doesn't want to let you down in any way. It may not be a big thing, but sometimes a very minor negative comment, that can usually be blown off or ignored, becomes significant when hopes are higher.

I can relate, yet I cannot speak specifics here-it hits too close to home. Just an off-hand comment by a lover from nearly 2 decades ago sticks in my head as I contemplate the most intimate moments with a man I love with all my heart. I know I can share this with him, and he will ease my mind about my worry, yet I want it to be "perfect" at least for our first time. I don't want him to be even slightly disappointed in me. It's somewhat illogical. I know this man loves me with every breath he takes.

Who knows what her history is to have this insecurity. It is in all likelihood very minor.

I don't think you need to take her comments so seriously. But let her know that whatever happens or doesn't happen, you're looking forward to the visit and anything between you is icing on the cake.

Please note, a bottle of wine does not make for a very cognizant posting.

 

[SweetErika]

I don't think you need to take her comments so seriously. But let her know that whatever happens or doesn't happen, you're looking forward to the visit and anything between you is icing on the cake.

Please note, a bottle of wine does not make for a very cognizant posting.

I think it was a great post, bottle of wine and all, and really agree with the above.

Take care that you don't turn negative on this count yourself while emphasizing your desire for her to be positive, Naamplao, as you run the risk of perceiving other things she says/does as being negative/undesirable when they're really not.

I think you'd be very hard pressed to find a woman who wouldn't feel the same in her situation. I believe I've had them EVERY time I've met someone from online, even when I know for a fact it'll never go beyond platonic. We all create images of what the other person is like, and I have a bit of fear about not matching up to their image, even though I KNOW (and have been told over and over) that I represent my RL self very well online. When I add in the possibility of any kind of romance, or I don't know what may come of the meeting, my fears/doubts increase.

It's a good sign that she's expressing her fears to you, rather than holding them in and possibly psyching herself out before the meeting, IMO. Be grateful for that, and give her plenty of reassurance about your true expectations (or lack thereof), how much you like the woman you've learned about in the past two years and how excited you are to meet a friend and have an adventure.


This is a great topic, and maybe we'll get some discussion and tips on how people deal with others who are frequently negative. Like you, I have a hard time dealing with those who always complain and can never seem to find/pursue solutions to their problems. I've recently had to disengage myself from someone I care about deeply because he's that type and I felt like the relationship was sucking the life out of me. I'm sad about it, and for him, but it's also quite empowering to choose to surround myself with those who generally share my mindset/attitude.

 

[naamplao]

Thank you Denae and Erika for you response.

This is a great topic, and maybe we'll get some discussion and tips on how people deal with others who are frequently negative. Like you, I have a hard time dealing with those who always complain and can never seem to find/pursue solutions to their problems. I've recently had to disengage myself from someone I care about deeply because he's that type and I felt like the relationship was sucking the life out of me. I'm sad about it, and for him, but it's also quite empowering to choose to surround myself with those who generally share my mindset/attitude.

Yes, I do understand that "sucking the life out of you" situation. Especially when you are a problem solver, the revisiting of the same situation over and over again grates on nerves even when you really care for someone.

In personal life, I suppose I tend to avoid such people and I don't think this person is this way...however the signs are there. I have reassured her that I am looking forward to this experience but I know I can seem judgemental in print and I don't want to appear that way....

There doesn't seem to be an adequate response to the statement:

"Maybe when you meet me, you won't like me?"

Unless she has misrepresented herself totally in her pictures, she is a good looking woman....not a fashion model but pleasant none the less. To use a man's crude rating she's a 7-8 from her pics...but her personality is a 9-10 and that trumps looks for me everytime.

I find that statement very difficult to answer with finality.

 

[Denae]

TThere doesn't seem to be an adequate response to the statement:

"Maybe when you meet me, you won't like me?"

I find that statement very difficult to answer with finality.

IMO, she's quite probably had contact with men who don't care to really know her. She's probably preparing herself in the event you are disappointed (in any respect) and you avoid spending further time with her. It is somewhat of a defense mechanism. I completely understand this and I believe that's why I gave up on finding love a long time ago. I'd rather not take a chance ever again than feel the hurt.

She may have never met a man like you, although there are thankfully many of you out there, who considers the physical appearance the icing on the cake. After years of disappointments, women (like me anyway) don't just jump on the trusting bandwagon that this time it could be different and that you really are attracted to the interior package even more than the exterior.

Erika gave some great advice. I'm paraphrasing here: don't over-analyze every comment this lady makes. Don't look for negatives and warning signs. When she sees, more importantly feels, your sincerity (whether it's engaging in a deep friendship or more) those feelings and comments will dissolve. She'll be more comfortable with you and those defensive walls will come down. Be patient, it probably didn't take one bad experience to make her feel that way.

 

[naamplao]

So...ignore the statement???

 

[Denae]

I didn't mean to give that impression. As a judge would say in court, give it the appropriate consideration that it deserves. Take it as just a part of the equation; not as the totality.

Once you meet her in peson and she's completely neurotic and unconfident, that would be more cause for concern.

It takes a special man to take down these brick walls, it may be a few stones at a time or it could come crashing right down-you never know.

I've still got parts of a brick wall around my heart. It took 3-5 years to build that brick wall that stood intact for at least 10 years. One man dislodged a few bricks but the wall became stronger than ever for another 15 years.

I met a man a year and a half ago. We became friends very easily and now there is love. He heard my "I don't want love...I don't believe in love for me..." spiel for several months. He knew why, but it didn't stop him from developing some incredibly deep feelings for me.

I'm still somewhat of a disbeliever that I'm meant to have a relationship that stands the test of time. But if it's possible for me, this man is the one to prove it.
This man, through his actions as much as his words, makes me feel like the most beautiful woman on Earth, that I'm worth loving. He says that I'm "the most amazing woman" he's ever known and that I continue to amaze him. I don't know why. Honest.

He has more faith than I do that our relationship and love are meant to be. This man hasn't wanted to save me or fix me. We were friends at first and shared some intimate secrets about ourselves and love has now developed. I'm more of a disbeliever; old habits and thought patterns are hard to break. But I'm willing to believe just a little bit at a time.

He was able to look past my insecurities and brick wall, he took it as just part of me, and fell for the other stronger and better parts of me.

 

[Cathleen]

So...ignore the statement???

Nope, you don't have to but I'd chaulk it up to nerves. We all have insecurities, everyone of us. You also have to remember men and women think/behavior very differently (thanks to whomever created us). Men are fix-it and we are talk about it. No real way to get around that.

If you've ever tried a new recipe and are sharing it with a friend as 'guinea pig' you might feel nervous, you want them to like it, expectations are more powerful than a lot of us realize.

I see nothing to her comments other than she cares for you and wants you to be pleased. Do you get nervous before a first date? Well, this is one hell of a first date!

You are reading her words and comprehending them as you see fit (normal of course) but she might be saying, you know I'm not perfect and hope all will meet with your liking.

Perfection isn't possible but a lot of people run the wheel as if it were possible. I say stop reading like a man!! lol Yeah -- impossible.

 

[NippleMuncher]

So...ignore the statement???

Yup! You're probably reading too much into it. As the others have said, there is a huge difference between the "fantasy" of interacting online and real life. When the reality of a face to face occurs, nerves can fray a little bit. I've got a lot of online friends, and on the occasions I've had to meet them in person, I was always a little nervous/apprehensive because I tend to be self conscious and shy and a terrible small talker. Online we have the luxury of thinking through our thoughts and getting them just right before hitting the post button so that we may seem more eloquent and self confident that we truly are.

You've already got your game plan to visit and spend time with her, if that doesn't work out, your vacation just got a little more expensive, but you're still intending to enjoy the experience of being in a new place (just without her ). Sounds to me like you've got your bases covered. Besides, what does it matter if you find your not compatible? You live in different countries, it's not like you'll run into her unexpectedly at the market.

 

[naamplao]

Wow...this is an interesting discussion, for me anyway. I should have done this a long time ago.

I do understand the insecurities, frankly I suffer from them myself, truth be known. Part of my "criteria" for meeting someone one the internet, being non-suggestive discussion for a number of months, is so that I can get an idea of the true nature of a person. By being able to carry-on an interesting dialog over a 2 year period, I feel that the person is in fact a decent person. Anyone with less than stellar qualities would have tipped their hand or simply left during this time.

So this satisfies my comfort zone that I am meeting someone who I will be compatible with. As I have said earlier, this is not the first time I have met an internet friend in person. In fact I got a job teaching English in Thailand through just such a contact and we still chat years later. I also went to China and had an excellent one month visit under similar circumstances (I considered working there as well but unlike Thailand, working in China is WORK!! 5 days a week, 35 contact hours/week and class sizes of 40+ students/class....ouch!).

But this is the first time I have been confronted with this statement before I left on my journey.

I see nothing to her comments other than she cares for you and wants you to be pleased. Do you get nervous before a first date? Well, this is one hell of a first date!

It is funny...I am not very good at the dating process where I live, probably because of the same insecurities. In real time at home, I cannot apply my "criteria" and things move too fast for my comfort. I find the internet shortens the time it takes to get to know someone by light years. Somehow it is easier to discuss feelings on-line than in person when first meeting someone.

I've still got parts of a brick wall around my heart. It took 3-5 years to build that brick wall that stood intact for at least 10 years. One man dislodged a few bricks but the wall became stronger than ever for another 15 years.

Yes, I have layers of armour built up from a bad marriage that I finally escaped. You always are suspicious of the motives of others and it is hard to let someone totally in. I am glad you found someone who recognizes and tears down walls...I have not been so lucky yet.

You've already got your game plan to visit and spend time with her, if that doesn't work out, your vacation just got a little more expensive, but you're still intending to enjoy the experience of being in a new place (just without her ). Sounds to me like you've got your bases covered. Besides, what does it matter if you find your not compatible? You live in different countries, it's not like you'll run into her unexpectedly at the market.

I do have things worked out. Before I start something new, I always think through alternatives. But I don't want to plant a seed of negative expectations. Since I have recovered from (and beaten) cancer from 8 years ago, I resolved to see and experience as much of this world as I can. Through this resolve I have met many interesting people and I view this as an addition to this resolve. I like this girl otherwise I would not have this conversation with her over 2 years. It was she who suggested I come to see her...not me forcing myself on her. I look forward to the experience...whatever it is and whatever happens. But faced with these after-the-invite comments, I am struggling with how I should/should not respond....

Afterall, if I found her less than expectations in looks or personality, I would have never accepted the invite in the first place....

 

[Cathleen]

I do understand the insecurities, frankly I suffer from them myself, truth be known.

Truth? On the Internet? No way! Everyone knows there is no truth on the Internet.

I'm glad you're human naamplao, makes living so much easier and more fun.

Let me just say this, if it were I you were coming to see, I would have expressed more than a couple of insecurities. I consider myself to be comfortable with myself and my life but inviting another into my life, would cause insecurities to surface. The insecurities might be rational or irrational but they'd be there.

Since I have recovered from (and beaten) cancer from 8 years ago, I resolved to see and experience as much of this world as I can.

This is wonderful news ~ many more years to you.

 

[Web_Mistress]

If I may add my two cents...

Prior to this, if she hasn't shown any hints of insecurities and negativity, it would seem to be a safe bet that she's worried that you'll be disappointed. As you said, she would have a hard time hiding her true self through 2 years worth of conversations.

We all have flaws that pictures and online chatting don't bring to light. Perhaps she believes she has a flaw, whether physical or physchological, and she's beginning to worry that you'll be less interested in her once you discover it.

I would try to look past her comments and continue on with the trip and the relationship as if she didn't say them. Then, once you've met her in person and have spent some time with her, hopefully you will discover which type of person she truly is most of the time - since we all have our moments of insecurity and negativity.

 

[naamplao]

Let me just say this, if it were I you were coming to see, I would have expressed more than a couple of insecurities. I consider myself to be comfortable with myself and my life but inviting another into my life, would cause insecurities to surface. The insecurities might be rational or irrational but they'd be there.

The funny thing is that most people only see the insecurities in themselves. They tend to gloss over the insecurities of others...

This is wonderful news ~ many more years to you.

Thanks for the rose Sometimes I think I cheated...I had a surgery to remove an abcessed appendix which had a tumour as the cause of the abcess. It was microscopic and did not spread. So no chemo, no radiation required but still there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about what a close call I had. Frankly this and finding out the evils of wheat gluten (another accident...no I am not celiac) and eliminating wheat from my diet has resulted in my being in the best health for a decade.

That is what spurred my desire to make the best of the rest of my four score and seven.

We all have flaws that pictures and online chatting don't bring to light. Perhaps she believes she has a flaw, whether physical or physchological, and she's beginning to worry that you'll be less interested in her once you discover it.

Yes, I realize that and the same can be said for me. I just find by voicing those insecurities has the potential for creating self-fullfilling prophecies. I don't help matters either with how I respond to them, I realize that.