input appreciated

[poisonpen]

My new storyline posted, but it is only a small part of one that I wanted to get input on before continuing. If it's any good, I'll post more of it. If it's not, well.... it's in the non-human category if you need to know that up front. here's a link...

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=307511

Thanks!

 

[writelove]

I thought the piece interesting, grammar good, nice dialog. You have a good command of language.

I have a suggestion however. I think you need to be a bit more elusive regarding what is happening in the story. The name for example should not be Spawn of Satan. I would try something like "White Coats" which could mean almost anything.

Don't use the word demons. If you describe everything well enough, the reader will sense that this is something supernatural.

Change the dialog "Let go, human, enjoy the pleasure." Don't use the word human. Just say "Let go. Enjoy the pleasure."

A good story always hides something forcing the reader to keep reading to find out what is going on. If a reader knows too much he or she will lose interest.

 

[poisonpen]

story line

thanks for the input, Write. appreciate it. I did get an Annon response in my email, telling me that I probably could not expand on the story. It is expanded, quite a bit and goes into greater detail of what is going on and how the guy got in the situation in the first place. It is only an excerpt that I sumitted.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Again we have a story that's not a story, but a viginette. You have either the beginning or the end of a story, but not a story.

A story begins with an event. The characters interact and move the story along to a conclusion where the characters are better off, more knowlegable or changed in some way. Here you have an event and the beginning of some interaction, but where does it go? Actually, I would take this not as the beginning of a story, but the conclusion, without a beginning.

Ok, Taylor gets a blow job from some demonic creature, but how did all this start?

The writing isn't bad. There are a few errors, but you would have done much better if you had expanded the story in the beginning. What's happened here, is there is no building of tension. The story begins at a high pitch and just stays there until the final paragraph.

Think of The Shining . In the beginning, the protagonist is a normal guy taking on a job to support his family while he writes his book. Then things begin to happen. The tension builds as the writer falls into insanity, ending in his ax-weilding, insane spree at the end.

As it is, the writing is pretty good, but the story gets a "C".

 

[Nasha]

Hi, poisonpen.

Since "Spawnsof Satan" is only an excerpt, as you say, and I can only guess at the bigger picture, I'll focus on the micro-level stuff.

Taylor fought to wake up from his newest nightmare, his cries catching somewhere between his chest and his throat, unable to voice a protest as the demons assaulted him in his slumber once more.

This is a powerful image for the opening of a story, but it could be written to do a better job of grabbing the reader.

The power of the image of the action is almost lost in extraneous information. Don't tell me here that this is his newest nightmare--if this is his POV, and this is happening to him right now, he's not thinking that--that's too analytical and feels cold and distant when I want to be in his head, feeling his terror.

His cry is catching somewhere. His silenced scream is the important thing. It's not so important exactly where that you should waste extra words here. And that goes double for "unable to protest"--that's redundant, so it's just wasted air.

And, as with the "newest nightmare," don't tell us here and now that the demons have assaulted hm before. You can reveal that a little later as you reveal, bit by bit, what's happening.

If you do all that, you get something like this:

Taylor fought to wake up, his desperate cries catching in his throat as the demons attacked.

Alright, my version isn't Dostoyevsky, or even Stephen King, but in one terse sentence you convey all the info of your original opening (excpet that this is a recurring event, which I'd hold back, anyway).

His head rolled back and forth, his arms and hands pushing against the creatures in his mind to make them stop. Hideous laughter filled his ears, the horrifying sounds at what he was being forced to do yet again echoing inside his brain.

Here, the first sentence takes me out of his experience, and makes me feel like I'm just watching someone have a bad dream. You've already established that he's having a nightmare; I'd stay inside his head, with the demons and what they're doing to him. Something like

He pushed against the creatures, futiley trying to stop them. Hideous laughter filled his ears, horrifying sounds echoing around him.

Even "horrifying sounds" could be made more specific. The more concrete your imagery, the further it will go in creating the right mood. The idea of a horrifying sound isn't as chilling as it would be if you let me hear, say, the sickening crunch of a breaking bone, for example.

So, my overarching bit of advice is to take the time to carefully craft each paragrah, choosing each word, each phrase to put across the image, the feeling, you want the reader to experience, while slowly building and revealing the bigger story.

You've got a nice grasp of language and by the end of your posted excerpt, I was intrigued where things are going.

I hope something in there is helpful.

Nasha

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I have to agree with my esteemed colleague, Jenny. It's too short for anything to develop. It's more like a scene than a story.

 

[poisonpen]

input

I thank you all for the input you've given. Although it gave me a slight tick to my lip, everything you've said I've carefully considered. It was pretty much a shot in the dark, but I can see now from what I've read I'm not going to be posting anymore to it. I'll flake off to another subject.

 

[writelove]

Poison,

Your last comment started me thinking. What is the value of feedback anyway. To you. To me.

Is feedback for affirmation? Wonderful read, keep it up. You are great. Or condemnation. It sucks. You are a creep, a real dummy for writing this. Stop writing now. It will never work. You have no talent.

Or is it a way to learn and improve. Most writers have good points and bad. Everone can improve.

I think it poor practice to simply write affirmations or condemnations about any story. I believe feedback should include what is good and what can be done to make a story better. What value is it to have a patting-each-other-on-the-back party? I believe valuable feedback needs to be specific. That is the only way to learn. I think that Nasha's feedback is an example of this.

I am saying this because I don't think you should give up on your story idea. If you believed in it enough to invest the kind of time and energy you gave it, then you might want to see what you can do to improve it.

 

[Nasha]

Poison,

Your last comment started me thinking. What is the value of feedback anyway. To you. To me.

Is feedback for affirmation? Wonderful read, keep it up. You are great. Or condemnation. It sucks. You are a creep, a real dummy for writing this. Stop writing now. It will never work. You have no talent.

Or is it a way to learn and improve. Most writers have good points and bad. Everone can improve.

I think it poor practice to simply write affirmations or condemnations about any story. I believe feedback should include what is good and what can be done to make a story better. What value is it to have a patting-each-other-on-the-back party? I believe valuable feedback needs to be specific. That is the only way to learn. I think that Nasha's feedback is an example of this.

I am saying this because I don't think you should give up on your story idea. If you believed in it enough to invest the kind of time and energy you gave it, then you might want to see what you can do to improve it.

You make good points, writelove.

In addition to thinking about the value of constructive criticism, it's also worthwhile to consider what the point is, in writing.

Is it the joy of working with words and crafting a story? Or is it praise and approval?

 

[poisonpen]

input

Write, you are a scholar and a wise person. I really have no intention of giving up on the story, I'm too far into it to stop now. Although it will be done now for myself only. As for writing, I do it for fun, to amuse myself. If I did it for fame and/or fortune, I'd be in trouble
I take all criticism, good or bad. yeah, the bad gives me a tick, but how can I honestly learn from mistakes or how to more develop what I'm attempting to do. Really, I am in no way upset about the screwups I made or the good that I did, I need and want to learn. If anyone has gotten the impression that I'm bitter or ticked off about what's being written here, it's the wrong impression. Again, let me thank everybody what what they're saying.
Poisonpen

 

[Nasha]

Of course, you have to decide for yourself whether the costs and benefits of putting your work into the public domain is worth the effort, but I'd gently caution you against keeping the rest of this story to yourself based on the feedback you've gotten on this thread.

For one thing, no one was criticising the substance of your story; we were giving you our opinions on how things could be improved.

But, more importantly, we are not your likely audience. We're a small group of people who happen to derive satisfaction from offering constructive critiques, not a representative sample of people who go in search of non-human erotic stories.

If the story you're writing interests, excites, and entertains you, there are probably others out there who'd enjoy reading it. I'm pretty sure about 99% of the people who seek out stories on this site would have no interest in reading my stuff, but I get a lot of joy knowing my narrow little audience gets pleasure from my bits of porn.