Inexperienced GF - Best way to explore?

[joyousheart]

My girlfriend and I have been together over a year now. She was 26 when we met, and I was her first sexual partner (I'm 35). Despite the fact she has a very sex positive attitude, she just never actually went all the way with a guy before.

Recently we had a conversation about how our relationship seems to keep getting more serious, so her one regret she wished she had a more slutty phase and explore her sexuality more.

We're pretty vanilla but I suggested maybe a threesome or a full swap with another couple - she was open to both ideas. My question is how to go about it? I found the "mfm threesome" thread informative - would you guys agree a swingers club would be a good idea? With her being so inexperienced, I'm worried she might not feel comfortable (read: as slutty as the other women) in such a setting.

I just want to find a way to give her what she desires without it compromising the relationship, so I'm hoping someone else here has been in a similar position and can share your experiences (perhaps a couple together since HS or something similar?).

 

[bill4672]

Jumping into a threesome could be too much too soon. Would she consider posting pics in the Amateur pic category? She needn't do full nudity, but the two of you might get turned on by all the attention.

 

[fgarvb1]

stop!

I have some experience in this kind of trouble.

First, explore everything the two of you can do together.

Take it slow get to know and trust each other. If and I do mean "IF"you can accomplish that in say six months or more then you will know if you are ready for the more than couple stuff.

Threesomes and things involving other people can ruin a good relationship unless you to have a sound foundation.

Easy Greasy...You have a long way to slide!

 

[a75]

(a) Are you sure that a swingers club is really "what she desires"?

(b) Let's suppose that statement (a) is true. Would you ever offer the cockpit of a jumbo jet to someone who only knows to drive a car?

 

[BertrandRussell]

Even if she wants to, don't do it. It takes more than a year to get to the point that conventional twosome sex feels 'normal'.

She does not have the experience or perspective to make informed consent.

 

[NightL]

Hi joyousheart

Your girlfriend does not need to be slutty to explore her sexuality more. Are you sure they were the words she really used? Having a desire to be more sexual does not have to mean being promiscuous at all. If your sexual relationship is vanilla then, as mentioned, you have a long way to explore before you need to be so bored that you would risk your relationship by bringing others in. Don’t jump from vanilla to swinging.

“but I suggested maybe a threesome or a full swap with another couple” Now is this something you are certain she wants or is it something she would do just to please you? If it is just a fraction toward the just for pleasing you, people are going to get hurt. Think about the “I suggested” part of that statement.

“our relationship seems to keep getting more serious” So why put potential dangers in the path?

Perhaps you could start by just sharing your thoughts and fantasies with each other first. Start with the no danger areas – clothing, role play, toys. Create a romantic area in your home – your special place. You be more romantic within the relationship and toward her. Investigate courses in Tantric Sex. You organise special evenings – set the environment – special dinner and wine – go out dancing. There is a lot more to sexuality than just fucking. Ask your girlfriend to explore Literotica with you. That does not mean posting photographs of her online at all. Ask her read this thread. If she is still keen on exploring the subject, suggest she participate by posting her own thoughts on the subject. If you feel you have to hide Literotica from her then you are no way prepared for bringing in other partners.

Is your sexual relationship vanilla for the reason that your own approach is? Maybe if you start being a little more adventurous, your partner may well respond in kind. Being adventurous does not mean simulating silly porn movie gymnastics - it may just mean you being more attentive toward your partner. Look in the Blank Manual area of Literotica for some ideas. Both of you read it and discuss what you find. Check out the Try This & Report Back thread.

All in all your post is close to “I want – how do I convince my girlfriend to do it”. Not the wisest of approach here at the How To... for getting advice.

 

[Jessicasc1970]

I would suggest you get a little less vanilla with just the two of you to start with. Explore your boundaries, toys, bondage, role play, sharing fantasies, looking at porn you both like.

After all that if she is interested in bringing someone else in for her pleasure, then have a long discussion on why she wants to do it, and any possible consequences it can have.

Have fun exploring together.

 

[tonguedancer]

Joyousheart

I'm not sure a swing club is the thing for somebody that's as inexperienced as you say your GF is. It's a pretty big step from relatively vanilla sex to group sex with strangers.

Like someone else sais, start off with some private kinks or toys or role play, then maybe move into other areas. Let her perhaps try some mini flashing or picture posting or web "soft swing" to see if she AND YOU are comfortable with her being looked at by other men, let alone fucked by them. I'm not an expert but the few experiences I've had in the area of threesomes or group have been with people I knew, friends, fraternity brothers (dim distant past). I tend to be mistrustful of strangers when I'm in that vulnerable of a position and have heard and read of horror stories of fights, robberies, and worse when people have picked up with strangers. I'm NOT saying that this would happen in a relatively safe and controlled swing club. That environment is much much better than say a pick-up in a bar.

 

[Aphro]

Who says you have to go through a "slutty phase" to explore your sexuality? A woman could have dozens of sex partners, and still never really fully explore her sexuality. She might get fucked a lot, by lots of guys, but that doesn't mean any of those partners have helped her understand anything about herself or her body. More sex does not necessarily mean good sex.

One, caring, committed lover is all she really needs right now. If that's you, then great. If using her naivety in sexual matters is an opportunity for YOU to explore options such as swinging and threesomes, I think that is wrong all the ways through Sunday. Shit, I'm 45 and I am JUST starting to explore my sexuality, for what it's worth!

I second the poster who suggested exploring things together. Get her an account here, look at some pictures and/or porn together, mainstream movies with an erotic undertone, even. You can't go from zero to a hundred and sixty with her. If you are serious about your relationship, and plan to move forward with her, work on the sexual relationship between the two of you before adding other men or couples into the mix. Otherwise, you could be opening up a whole new can of worms and not really be ready to fish with them. Just my two cents.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Lotsa folks here don't know shit about relationships. I guess that's why theyre here. GIMME A CLUE FOR ONE-HUNDRED!

 

[NightL]

Lotsa folks here don't know shit about relationships. I guess that's why theyre here. GIMME A CLUE FOR ONE-HUNDRED!

(14.78 posts per day)

Never say never Old Hoss.

I think I'd been married 2 months when a guy at work damned near cut my thumb off when he accidentally pushed a piece of stainless steel thru it. Lotsa stitches. Hurt like a Mo Fo. So my wife gets pissed at me for whatever and pushes my thumb back to my wrist. Oh My!

I can see it now. My left comes up and nails her so hard she went flying, landed on the bed, and it collapsed. I can still feel the pain in my thumb 40 years later. It was like the Disney ride, WORLD OF SHIT.

 

[seven_of_nine]

What concerns me is from your post it looks like she said 'I wish I had been sluttier when I was younger' and you have somehow heard 'I want to fuck other people.' That looks very much to me like you've heard the comment she made and extrapolated it to the nth degree in order to turn it into green light for something that you want.

Maybe I'm wrong, that's just how it reads to me.

If you are going to even contemplate this, there can be absolutely NO ambiguity. You say that she's 'open to the idea' but that's really nowhere near enough. You need to have a full and frank discussion about if and how you want to go about this. What will the boundaries be? What precautions will you take? What are the deal-breakers? If you are considering a couple, is she bi-curious? Are you?

Do you really, actually believe you can live with witnessing your girlfriend fucking someone else. Can she?

What are your contingency plans for any fall-out such as an STD or even an unplanned pregnancy? Can you walk into your local sexual health clinic and be honest about swinging? What about emotional fall-out?

I knew I was kinky before I had sex of any kind, before I had any clue what kink was. People's fantasies can be deep seated and enduring. If this talk of opening the relationship is coming from your girlfriend, without you trying to push her, then maybe you should take the woman at her word. Just keep in mind how much you both potentially have to lose here.

 

[tj44a44]

Hi I started the mfm threesome post. You have to understand my wife and I have been married this July for 7 years and we have known each other si she wans 14 she's 35 now. What we have learned in researching this is GO SLOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But we have a good foundation to go forward with this.

 

[joyousheart]

Thanks everyone. Lots of good insights here.

A couple of things I didn't mention:
- she specifically brought up feeling like she wished she had been with more men (I didn't read into this).
- she said she would want to do it 'sometime next year' (not right away)

I see now from reading the comments that those items were important things to leave out.
It seems the consensus is to stop, concentrate on each other for now, go slow and keep exploring each other as we continue to build the relationship. Next time the topic comes up, I'll pull up this thread and we can talk about the questions raised here will help us talk through whether we're ready or not.

 

[NightL]

Just try to work out what the goal is? Why does she wish she had been with more men? What is the loss? What is the perceived gain from the maybe of more partners? If it is about her wanting to now feel more sexual - you don't need more partners to do that.

So if the goal is to heighten both your sexuality, there does not need to be a "go slow" at all. Go flat out - have fun - be silly - make mistakes - laugh at the things that don't quite work as planned.

For me I don't like the idea of setting goals or planning for threesomes and moresomes. I have had the open relationship thing - emotionally very hard work, would never advise it. Have had threesomes and moresomes with different partners over the years but they were never planned - not a goal. Loads of fun. Each time totally spontaneous.

See how far you can push yourselves in this new journey of heightened sexuality just between the two of you first. Who knows, maybe a spontaneous event may just appear in the future. Vanilla people feel safe with vanilla people - if you both reinvent yourselves you may end up in a whole new social circle. Those spur of the moment times might just happen without any planning at all.

Aim to make your relationship as exciting, fulfilling and above all loving, then see what happens from there. If those things are not in place, seeking other partners may just make it all fall apart fast.

If the opportunity comes your way my advice is to always play as a couple - no separate rooms - no separate dates.

 

[Bramblethorn]

It seems the consensus is to stop, concentrate on each other for now, go slow and keep exploring each other as we continue to build the relationship. Next time the topic comes up, I'll pull up this thread and we can talk about the questions raised here will help us talk through whether we're ready or not.

I wouldn't necessarily say "stop", but don't rush. Some stuff takes time to process; sometimes you have to let the ideas ferment for a while.

For me I don't like the idea of setting goals or planning for threesomes and moresomes.

I half agree with this. (Disclaimer: advice based on what works for me, may or may not apply to others.)

I think it's a bad idea to plan for a threesome the way you'd plan a holiday. Going around with a "gotta have a threesome by next July" sort of approach takes the fun out of it and can lead to getting into crappy situations just because you feel obliged to stick to the plan. And a threesome requires three people, and the third person will probably have their own ideas about how it's going to work.

But it's not a bad idea to discuss contingencies and establish a few expectations. Stuff like "we discuss with one another first before inviting a third person into the bed", safe-sex rules, that sort of thing.

 

[GorgeousGeekGirl]

Ok dude, you need to look at 2 statements you made and put them together:

Our sex life is pretty vanilla

She's open to a threesome or foursome.

So, do you really want her getting more favors? If she gets strawberry or rocky road, will she be ok with tasting them only once, then only vanilla? Or she gets a little cookies and cream now and then, but only with the vanilla. And what's the plan if she likes mint chip a lot more than vanilla? And even if the other guy is pretty vanilla, what if he has a bigger scoop? (I know I'm going a long way with the ice cream analogy, but it's freaking hot here in Texas)

You also said the relationship is getting serious. If you do all your experimenting and freaky stuff now, assuming you get married, what is there to look forward to?

Keep in mind, the patrons of Lit are going to be the most sexually open real people you find, and the overwhelming majority is saying don't do it. That should tell you something

 

[more_snow_plz]

I think this thread should be renamed "How Do I Get My Girlfriend to Dump Me"

 

[kage007]

I agree with all of the above.

Baby steps are key. If there is going to be a threesome, let HER suggest it.