Incompatible?

[SlippyB]

Hi

first post and if I'm honest my only reason for registering here.

I appreciate I may be setting myself up for a bit of a verbal battering but here goes.

I'm in my mid-thirties and have been a serial monogamist since my divorce more than 10 years ago. I've always had an active sex life with a series of partners.

I've never been into BDSM, albeit I've experimented with some domination - light bondage, spanking etc but it's only been a small and occassional part of my sex life.

Recently met a new partner who's much more into the BDSM scene than I am. Particularly spanking, choking, flogging and torture role-play. She's very submissive sexually.

Let me make it clear than I'm not someone who shys away from violence, I was in the army, I've boxed at semi-pro standard, play rugby and practice martial arts (and have a face which reflects every punch I've taken too).

But I can't enjoy "hurting" my partner during sex (even the fantasy / role playing bit). A right wimp you reckon?

While I enjoy hard, fast, rough sex I also really like tenderness (which my partner doesn't enjoy). The thought of hurting her, marking her,bruising her etc I find very upsetting (albeit I'm perfectly respectful of the different predilictions and opinions of others) and a real turn-off.

As an example she can often only climax hard if I pull her hair so hard it comes out in clumps in my hands.

We've talked about our kinks/turn-ons etc but the limits I'm comfortable going to are not approaching those that will satisfy her.


Intellectually, emotionally and aspirationally we are a good match but I assume we have no future (I'm not niaive enough to believe that a relationship can flourish without sexual incompatibility).

Anybody else been in the same situation (I appreciate the irony of asking that question here by the way).

Thanks in advance.

The B

 

[Netzach]

Same but opposite. I was the kinked one, and I was the one who wanted to do all the nasty stuff to the other person, a genuine, decent sort who just wasn't wired to want any of that kind of activity.

Sucks.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Pardon the rearranging, but ...

Let me make it clear than I'm not someone who shys away from violence, I was in the army, I've boxed at semi-pro standard, play rugby and practice martial arts (and have a face which reflects every punch I've taken too).

The two (violence and BDSM) have nothing to do with one another. Your examples do, however, share an element in common with this corner of sexuality: control. Anyone can get slaphappy drunk and bump uglies. More than a few wonder what makes the ticking bomb go off in the other person. Very few take the time to find out and incorporate it into their play for the mutual gratification of everyone involved.

But I can't enjoy "hurting" my partner during sex (even the fantasy / role playing bit). A right wimp you reckon?

While I enjoy hard, fast, rough sex I also really like tenderness (which my partner doesn't enjoy). The thought of hurting her, marking her, bruising her etc I find very upsetting (albeit I'm perfectly respectful of the different predilections and opinions of others) and a real turn-off.

As an example she can often only climax hard if I pull her hair so hard it comes out in clumps in my hands.

Still sounds like you have room for compromise here. i've never seen a religious tract, state decree, nor personal affirmation guru declare both parties involved need to reach satisfaction from the same act. While nice and perhaps a goal, it's not necessary. One that desired to grow that seed of control mentioned earlier could do wonders with a tender approach if so inclined.

Recently met a new partner who's much more into the BDSM scene than I am. Particularly spanking, choking, flogging and torture role-play. She's very submissive sexually. Intellectually, emotionally and aspirationally we are a good match but I assume we have no future (I'm not naive enough to believe that a relationship can flourish without sexual incompatibility). We've talked about our kinks/turn-ons etc but the limits I'm comfortable going to are not approaching those that will satisfy her.

Pardon the bastardization, but only you can decide to put out the fire. How far you're willing to go and/or put up with never makes for a palatable meal. i have seen some of the best meals made from hamburger, and the worst from the choicest cuts of steak. Best of luck regardless.

 

[FurryFury]

It's possible that with some real conversations and enough motivation y'all can work out a satisfactory compromise. Either way, communication is needed to find out if it can work with you two or not. That's just my opinion.

Sometimes, it can't be worked out. The sooner and cleaner the break the better for all concerned then.

Good luck,

Fury

 

[sister76]

Maybe you can hurt her in some other way that does not involve hair pulling that would satisfy you both.

 

[SweetGigi]

is there any one else that just positively melts when they read AA's posts?

*knees weaken*

 

[Trajal]

You're not a particular sadist but you probably are dominant in many other ways.

It may not be the pain that she's getting off on, i'd suggest trying some light humiliation and stronger bondage. Give her the feeling of being helpless and it may well replicate the sensations of pain that she's interested in.

That said, don't knock it till you've tried it. Some sensual flogging doesn't necessarily have to cause real pain, simply be a series of different physical sensations of contact ranging from carress to slight sting. That's not actual pain as such, but it may well fulfill her desire for new and different sensations.

Don't just stick to doing that sort of thing on her bottom either, try lightly flogging her pussy (pussy whipping is a Good Thing (tm) ).

Failing that just dress her up as a schoolgirl, pull her over your knee and spank her arse until it's red like the naughty little scamp needs

 

[Blushing Bottom]

My bad

is there any one else that just positively melts when they read AA's posts?

*knees weaken*

 

[JMohegan]

But I can't enjoy "hurting" my partner during sex (even the fantasy / role playing bit). A right wimp you reckon?

Nope.

This has nothing to do with being a wimp vs. a tough guy.

While I enjoy hard, fast, rough sex I also really like tenderness (which my partner doesn't enjoy). The thought of hurting her, marking her,bruising her etc I find very upsetting (albeit I'm perfectly respectful of the different predilictions and opinions of others) and a real turn-off.

As an example she can often only climax hard if I pull her hair so hard it comes out in clumps in my hands.

We've talked about our kinks/turn-ons etc but the limits I'm comfortable going to are not approaching those that will satisfy her.


Intellectually, emotionally and aspirationally we are a good match but I assume we have no future (I'm not niaive enough to believe that a relationship can flourish without sexual incompatibility).

Anybody else been in the same situation (I appreciate the irony of asking that question here by the way).

I do not find your question ironic in this location. Even within the world of BDSM, many people find themselves in the very same situation - a good match outside the bedroom, but mismatched in terms of kink.

Ways of dealing with this problem include:

- experimentation leading to eventual alignment of kink preferences

- some sort of compromise

- permission to play outside the relationship

- termination of the relationship itself


Whatever you choose to do, just remember that when it comes to kink, more does not equate to better, stronger, tougher, more badass, etc. That attitude is bullshit, and it's important that you recognize it as bullshit for a lot reasons, not least of which is:

She's very submissive sexually.

In most cases, that doesn't just mean that she is interested in things like: "spanking, choking, flogging and torture role-play". It also means that she craves a guy who is confident and authoritative in the bedroom.

Spend some time thinking about the implications of that last sentence. You're in a bit of a Catch-22 situation here. Not impossible to overcome, but your attitude throughout the process will be critical if you seek success within the relationship.

 

[SlippyB]

Hi

firstly thanks for the intelligence and thought which went into a number of your responses. Much appreciated.

You're right, I am dominant in life (work and social) and very much prefer to be in charge sexually.

"In most cases, that doesn't just mean that she is interested in things like: "spanking, choking, flogging and torture role-play". It also means that she craves a guy who is confident and authoritative in the bedroom."

Yep, I can see this and know you are right. My inability to enjoy the stuff she likes clearly undermines my credibility in this role.

You're also right that the problem lies in the conflict in my head between dominance/pain and tenderness/affection. I don't think I'm wired to get beyond the idea of a "hurting" a woman (bruising, flogging etc) being entirely unacceptable (even though I know the pain is transitory and more anticipatory than real in some instances) and yet strangely lifting her in the air by her buttocks and pumping her on my cock till she screams is fantastic (albeit a bit tough on the arms).

She has a preference for being tied and forced to orgasm over and over for a couple of hours using a series of toys, escalating in intensity and force. This will culminate in her crying and begging for release but when I do she claims I'm too "soft". We use control words but again she will use these and then become upset when I stop when they are used.

We've talked through compromises and gently escalating the levels and degrees of "physicality" in our sex but again there's a clear gap between the two.

The alternatives you describe of straying is another no-no for me as I'm emotionally very possessive, as is she.

I think you are right, there are just some people who are compatible in all areas apart from sexually and I don't think a relationship, particularly in it's formative stages can survive without this.

I wasn't expecting a solution to my problem per se, to be honest I already had my heart set on terminating the relationship, but thank you again for the intelligence and consideration of your responses.

Enjoy yourselves

The B