Incest story feedback

[AwkwardMD]

I wrote a thing! It's in I/T!

https://www.literotica.com/s/folie-a-deux

I would love to hear some opinions on how successful it is at achieving its goals, and what people think of the style. It's the first heterosexual story I've ever written, as all of my previous work is either primarily LGBT or is otherwise non-erotic/non-romantic.

 

[8letters]

I've already given you a lot of feedback so I won't rehash it. One thing is the title. You seemed to have the title set so I didn't bring it up, but I think it hurt your views and correspondingly your number of comments and favorites. "My Cookie-Baking Sister" was published a little after and has a similar score, but because the title makes it obvious that it's a brother-sister story and makes the story sound more accessible, it has more comments, views and favorites.

OTOH, you could say that you're title let people know that your story was f0r a more discriminating reader and my title let people know that my story was the I/T version of a Michael Bay movie.

 

[AwkwardMD]

Yeah, I definitely had an inappropriate love affair with my title. Having it be a phrase in French created a problem because the Lit uploading system did not like that à in the title, and I'm sure a lot of people passed it by because of that. Assuming it was some kind of mistake that a french language story was posted in the English section.

I'm really happy with the response, but yeah. I definitely have a habit of getting in my own way and making things harder for myself.

 

[KatieTay]

I second LaRascasse's comments on that story, DocAwk

 

[Alice_Rosaleen]

I wasn't particularly bothered by the title, but I have read some pretty effete literature and borrowing from the French doesn't seem that out of the norm for English speakers.
That being said, I like I/T, as a guilty/not guilty pleasure, and I thought the sibling dynamic between Natalie and Jay was believable, as was the sexual tension. As I read the sex scene, it seemed like Natalie was drunk, but not past the point of reasonable decision making. Her anger towards Jay in the morning seemed more abrupt than necessary to convey her remorse/guilt.
I also thought the dialog in general could have been amped up in the erotic department. It reads as natural conversation, but in my thinking erotica and fiction in general must elevate 'normal' conversations so they convey more to the reader. They don't have to be stilted or oversexed per se, but they should contribute to the building tension as much as the rest of your well-written prose.

 

[SimonDoom]

I thought your first effort at I/T was a big success. A very good story.

I wasn't quite sure at first, because early in the story you rely very heavily on dialogue and not narrative, and it seemed a little imbalanced to me. But the story drew me in, and it became more narrative-driven as it went on. You have many good turns of phrase, like "I felt the heat of her against the underside of my cock." The use of words and level of detail put the reader right in the scene. I grew more and more interested in the characters and what was happening as the story progressed.

The turn near the end of the story is jarring, and it certainly distinguishes this story from the I/T norm on this site, but it worked. It sets this story apart from others in this category.

The editing and proofreading are good. Your stories are easy to read in that respect (I've read some, though not all, of Terrible Company as well). One isn't stumbling over mistakes, poor grammar, and bad word selection.

My two cents on the title: I don't like it. My philosophy about writing at this site, which no one is obligated to follow, is that your story content should stay true to your artistic vision and principles, but everything else -- title, category, tags, use of chapters, etc. -- should take advantage of and be mindful of the peculiarities and features of this site, so you reach as many readers as you can. Your title doesn't really tell the reader anything enticing about the story. Had you come up with a simpler and more obvious title, you would have doubled your readers, and then more Literotica readers would know what a good writer you are.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Had you come up with a simpler and more obvious title, you would have doubled your readers, and then more Literotica readers would know what a good writer you are.

Dare I say it, the more literate Literotica readers, who would know the French phrase, might be attracted to the story simply because of it. It's a filter.

It interests me that MD has two commentators here (both incest writers) saying "show me the numbers" as if that's important. Perhaps it's not always. I have a sneaking suspicion MD was (maybe subconsciously) trying to write a different type of penguin story.

It almost was, but I think MD spooked herself with the deeper character motivation that emerged later in the story. I personally think she should have gone deeper, but then it would have gone darker...

...darker would have been a far better story, I think. More real. Oh, there's the problem - incest. Readers don't like real.

I'm glad it wasn't just me who had enough of the interminable conversation - at least my two got to see an exhibition .

 

[AwkwardMD]

I wasn't particularly bothered by the title, but I have read some pretty effete literature and borrowing from the French doesn't seem that out of the norm for English speakers.

Truth be told, I stole it from Fall Out Boy.

That being said, I like I/T, as a guilty/not guilty pleasure, and I thought the sibling dynamic between Natalie and Jay was believable, as was the sexual tension. As I read the sex scene, it seemed like Natalie was drunk, but not past the point of reasonable decision making.

One of the working theories for this story is that, up to a certain point, alcohol helps you do the things you want to do and won't while sober for whatever reason. Whether it's fear of rejection or embarrassment, we all have impulses that we don't act on and a moderate level of inebriation can help to overcome some of those hurdles.

The idea was that on a technical level, Natalie never reached a level of drunkenness that left her unable to understand what she was doing.

Her anger towards Jay in the morning seemed more abrupt than necessary to convey her remorse/guilt.

Capturing 'panic' is tough because there's such a wide swath of reactions we have while in the grips of it. How much panic is too much panic?

I also thought the dialog in general could have been amped up in the erotic department. It reads as natural conversation, but in my thinking erotica and fiction in general must elevate 'normal' conversations so they convey more to the reader. They don't have to be stilted or oversexed per se, but they should contribute to the building tension as much as the rest of your well-written prose.

This was, by far, the most amped up sexual dialogue I have ever written. Typically when passions are intensifying, my characters will steadily lose the ability to speak eloquently, and that's a reflection of me. I am not skilled at dirty talk once things start flowing. Folie à Deux was an attempt to break out of my pattern and use the dialog to lean into the taboo nature of the kink. Clearly I have some room to continue that trend.

Thank you so much for taking the time and reviewing this for me, Alice. Every word of this will help make the next story better.

 

[AwkwardMD]

I thought your first effort at I/T was a big success. A very good story.

I wasn't quite sure at first, because early in the story you rely very heavily on dialogue and not narrative, and it seemed a little imbalanced to me. But the story drew me in, and it became more narrative-driven as it went on. You have many good turns of phrase, like "I felt the heat of her against the underside of my cock." The use of words and level of detail put the reader right in the scene. I grew more and more interested in the characters and what was happening as the story progressed.

I have been told that reading my stories is not unlike putting a jigsaw puzzle together. The pieces are gethered and assembled as you go, and it's not until the end that the full picture is clear (spoiler alert: it's a sailboat!)

The turn near the end of the story is jarring, and it certainly distinguishes this story from the I/T norm on this site, but it worked. It sets this story apart from others in this category.

I really felt that since I used alcohol to get the characters together in the first place, there needed to be a reckoning once the sobriety kicked in. I bent the rules of attraction and had to pay a fine for doing so.

The editing and proofreading are good. Your stories are easy to read in that respect (I've read some, though not all, of Terrible Company as well). One isn't stumbling over mistakes, poor grammar, and bad word selection.

That's great to hear. They would revoke my grammar nazi card if I couldn't produce as well as I criticize! Not that it matters, but I recently finished Terrible Company and submitted edited versions of all of the chapters. It's cleaned up and completed exactly as I intended it to be.

My two cents on the title: I don't like it. My philosophy about writing at this site, which no one is obligated to follow, is that your story content should stay true to your artistic vision and principles, but everything else -- title, category, tags, use of chapters, etc. -- should take advantage of and be mindful of the peculiarities and features of this site, so you reach as many readers as you can. Your title doesn't really tell the reader anything enticing about the story. Had you come up with a simpler and more obvious title, you would have doubled your readers, and then more Literotica readers would know what a good writer you are.

This is a huge sticking point for me. I cannot do this.

There's a writing idiom called Kill Your Darlings. It refers to those things we do and write that we love and hold onto even when our better judgement says otherwise. Even though I know a more descriptive title would help me, I cannot stop myself from using the clever and vague one. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to stuff like this.

I'm better thsn I used to be, though, and improvement is not nothing.

Thank you so much for the review and the kind words. I am taking all of this to heart, and the next one will be even better.

 

[AwkwardMD]

Dare I say it, the more literate Literotica readers, who would know the French phrase, might be attracted to the story simply because of it. It's a filter.

The goal was definitely not to attract or repel any specific categories of reader. Inspiration hit me and in that moment there was no way the story was ever going to have a different title. For better or for worse.

It interests me that MD has two commentators here (both incest writers) saying "show me the numbers" as if that's important. Perhaps it's not always. I have a sneaking suspicion MD was (maybe subconsciously) trying to write a different type of penguin story.

To be fair, viewcount is supremely important to me. Although Lit's viewcount numbers are inflated by bots and whatnot, I pay the most attention to views as a metric for success. They're not out of line to make suggestions for how I might have increased that.

On the flip side, I was most definitely trying to do some things I had never seen before. I have no delusions that I reinvented the wheel or anything, but I definitely feel like I kept a level of plausability going throughout that, for me, makes the whole thing even hotter.

It almost was, but I think MD spooked herself with the deeper character motivation that emerged later in the story. I personally think she should have gone deeper, but then it would have gone darker...

...darker would have been a far better story, I think. More real. Oh, there's the problem - incest. Readers don't like real.

Don't test me. I've written quote a few stories that end with some or all of the protagonists murdered, dead, or otherwise gone. This one just hsppened to be born on a good day. This is a rare HFN ending for me.

I'm glad it wasn't just me who had enough of the interminable conversation - at least my two got to see an exhibition .

Natalie was topless for a good chunk of that conversation. That doesn't count as an exhibition?