Incest, lies, and control issues

[Valcorie]

i appologize a head of time for this being slightly of the BDSM topic. During my time onthe boards here i have noticed a large quanity of people posting about their own experiance with sexual abuse and incest. i was wondering how many people out there have had to deal with this in their own lives.

The reason i ask this is because i have just had to deal with this issue resurfacing in my life. I was raised beliving that my father had sexualy molested my until age four and him and his family was out to kidnap, maim and murder me. Not so great to grow up with right??? Anyway, I have recently come to know my father and his family and they are the most amazing people. I did some diging with legal doc and such and the accusations that were made were done so to gain custudy. However once the lie was told my mother and her family couldn't let it drop and constantly reinforced it, and still try to.

What I am trying to figure out now is what sort of relationship I am going to have with my mom and her family. Basily I have a ton of decisions to make. im wondering if any one out there has had similar family issues, or had to set bouderies with parent that like to have extreem control ect...

Hearing how other people have handles parents (others) who are very controling and setting bouderies ect would be very helpful to me. I have a pretty good handle on it, I don't need therapy ect. But before I act on anything I realy want to put a lot of thought behind it.

 

[Richard49]

Hearing how other people have handles parents (others) who are very controling and setting bouderies ect would be very helpful to me. I have a pretty good handle on it, I don't need therapy ect. But before I act on anything I realy want to put a lot of thought behind it.

In addition to being here I run a internet discusion group for people with PTSD and those that love them

the topic of incest and controling authority figures comes up often.
I had very controling parents ... mom is still alive
I have found my work in recovery very helpful in dealing with them
and my past ......

I might recommend you look into CoDa. It is a 12 Step program.
If there were drugs or alchol involved
and I can not see how there was not with this much lieing and denal ...........than AlAnon might also be helpful

Deal with them...one event at a time

 

[graceanne]

Re: Re: Incest, lies, and control issues

In addition to being here I run a internet discusion group for people with PTSD and those that love them

the topic of incest and controling authority figures comes up often.
I had very controling parents ... mom is still alive
I have found my work in recovery very helpful in dealing with them
and my past ......

I might recommend you look into CoDa. It is a 12 Step program.
If there were drugs or alchol involved
and I can not see how there was not with this much lieing and denal ...........than AlAnon might also be helpful

Deal with them...one event at a time

Yeah, CoDa's great. If their was drugs or alcohol Adult Children of Alcoholics is good, too.

 

[redelicious]

Hearing how other people have handles parents (others) who are very controling and setting bouderies ect would be very helpful to me. I have a pretty good handle on it, I don't need therapy ect. But before I act on anything I realy want to put a lot of thought behind it.

What a sick thing to do to a child. I'm sorry.

One idea - prepare in advance for situations that might cause conflict. Let your family know upfront what you are willing to do and not do so that there will be no discussion (and then stick with it).

Another is to minimize contact with or put distance between those that seek to control you. I know a lot of people who go this route because the controling person in their lives will not or can not respect boundries.

 

[shelleb4]

looking at this from my personal experience of being a survivor, once the skeleton was out of the closet, the abuser denied this, and the deal was - you pretend it didnt happen, and we can all play happy families again. Well as a survivor, im safe, it was the child he wanted, not the adult. But later i had children of my own, and i dearly wanted the 'extended family' thing and that caused problems. When i visited the grandparents, and grandad wanted to take my children to the park? No fucking way!
Never could my children enjoy the normal relationship with grandparents that their friend did.

At a grand finale mothers day sunday roast, my mother asked why i wouldnt let them take the children out? I had to be brutally honest and say that although for some reason she chose to let a peadophile have access to her children, i did not. That was a little too honest, i was banished from the house.

Ive had to face questions from the children 'why cant we go and sleep over at nanny's, our cousins do?"

So whilst you may wish to accept that your abuser is innocent, and lets face it, isnt that easier for all concerned? Are you just wishful thinking? are you willing to take the risk for your future children?
I mention it, because, your decision is not just going to affect your life in the here and now, but for as long as you are in contact.

Its a tricky one isnt it, i wish you well.

 

[Vixandra]

That's a screwed up situation, Val, and I can sympathise greatly.
Parents divorced, Dad remarried to a younger woman with a daughter 11 years my junior with my same name. My own mother had me and my brothers convinced that he'd replaced us, didn't want us and couldn't even be bothered to call, send presents or anything. Needless to say, this took quite a while to fix. Not as drastic as your situation but a smidge similar.

How to deal- be the adult. It sucks, and I'll never leave my children alone for any length of time with either of thier maternal grandparents because I know thier presense isn't good on children's psyche's.
But I'm mature enough to say, you know what, my relationship with you is enough I can forgive your idiocy because I'm a better person then that.
And promply set up boundries.
Part of mine- I call my mother by her first name, not Mom. Why- because she lost all right to that title a very long time ago. Also reminds both of us- we're related but otherwise not close.
I've also flat out told her what she did hurt everyone involved. Was brutally honest, and it actually helped our relationship in the end.
*hugs*
I wish you the best of luck and strenght in this.

 

[FungiUg]

I had to deal with the abuse I suffered as a child. In my case it wasn't sexual, but it didn't include some sexual abuse for my sisters. And it literally split us apart for 20 years.

I've simply cut my step father out of my life. I haven't seen him in around 15 years. There's no need to, and there's nothing I want from him.

I don't have other parents to deal with, so in a way that has made it easy. My sisters have had a bit harder due to the fear invoked by the sexual abuse, but even my oldest sister has felt safe enough to come back into the country to visit me (the first time in over a decade.)

One thing I have noticed with abuse: it's not something you deal with once, and then it's fixed. It comes back, time and time again, in different ways, and you have to deal with it on different levels. You can't hide from it, and if you choose not to deal with it, it will haunt you. So deal with it you must. Just be aware that it's not a once-only thing.

I know in my own experience that counselling has helped dramatically. At the time it was hard to see whether it helped at all, but looking back I can see the difference it made. So don't be afraid to ask for help, or simply the ear of someone with experience who can suggest ways to make dealing with it easier.

The major thing I found helpful was having the insight of someone caring who was NOT involved, and could give me an outside perspective. Being able to discover that my step father was a sadistic bastard who took pleasure in torturing children... I couldn't have done that from my own view point. I was too involved.

I think the other major thing I learned was to allow myself to be a child. Children don't know better, they make mistakes, they aren't self sufficient, and they can easily be led. The decisions I made as a child split me from my sisters for 20 years, and learning that it's okay for a child to make those sorts of mistakes helped get us back together again.

 

[catalina_francisco]

There is no easy answer to your questions. While it was wrong for your mother and her family to fabricate such stories to suit their own needs, it is not unusual in today's climate of divorce and custody issues. No-one is perfect and where one's children are involved, sometimes the normal avenues of reason and rightness are over ruled by those of fear and preservation. While it does not make it right, perhaps for you it would be healing to ask and try and listen, and also understand on some level if possible, why they did as they did, especially your mother. It may have been her family put the fear into her head to a point where she could not take the risk of losing you and felt this was her only hope. It could also be that at that time it was what she believed to be true. Time can change a lot of things, people can appear to be different in another circumstance. I suspect you are not getting all the truth from either side.

Though it seems controlling, and is on one level, it also can be an indication of the level of love she had for you. People outside the situation will say it is not love to poison your belief in your father, but it also possibly is not 100% control if it were because of her love she could not bear the thought of losing you. Fortunately I didn't have to, but as a mother I know I would have done whatever I had to to ensure I didn't lose my children....it may not always be right, best, or fair, but it is real when you are caught in the situation one on one, not standing outside dispassionately analysing and judging another persons life and choices, or enjoying the luxury of hindsight.

Just as it was damaging and hurtful for you to not have your father's love and presence through those years, I suspect it would also harm you in some way to now shut out your mother who has raised and cared for you, shared your milestones in life. You don't have to take sides, they are both your parents and you have a right to enjoy the love of both of them. They obviously had problems to have divorced, but those problems and rivalries do not have to be yours. Look to the positive of now knowing your father, knowing both parents love you in their own way, take time to try and understand, and most of all care for you and what will be healthy for you. Revenge and doling out punishment is rarely healing in the long term, forgiving often is.

Catalina

 

[Valcorie]

I thank all of you so much for your replys. it was exactly what i needed to hear.

1. I hadn't thought about co-dependency but that realy is exactly what is going on. I will look into that angle Thank you.

2. The reason that I know the abuse didn't happen is because I remember being coached as a child and thinking that it was all lies. Until I was about 12 I didn't know If I had lied and caused the whole think or not. Anyway i remember some other thinks now also. Plus Getting to know the 'abusers' it is absolutly not possible. Plus I got copies of divorce papers to verify the truth of things I have been told. My mom has lied even on the simplest of facts consistantly. Plus I have come to know that is the type of person she is.

3. I have already decided the most important thing is for me to be happy. In that I raelize that I can't completly exclude my mother and her family. In the long run it would just hurt me.

4. Also I am the stick your head in the sand and close your eyes type. So I think I do need to be realy to have the conversation that says ..."hey what ever happened with the divorce is your business, i don't care about pointing fingers. However reinforcing the fact that my father and grandmother 'suposedly' molested me and are trying to kill me on a daily basis....well I am pretty ticked about that becuse it is not OK to do that to a child."

Thank you all so much for your support! It realy gave me more to consider.

-val