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slyc_willie
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Bravo to you for sharing, Sarah. 
Now for a male perspective, which may help.
I figure it's a factor of my age and maturity, but I am much less concerned with my own orgasm than my SO's. To be honest, most of the time we make love, she has her fair share of orgasms while I go without. It doesn't bother me as much as you might think it would. I don't suffer "blue balls" as a result. I am honestly happy with the fact that I have brought her to bliss, and more than content to fall asleep afterward with her snuggled beside me.
That is not to say that I can't have an orgasm, but it never happens through the usual motions of sexual intercourse. And the use of "alternate means" takes a damn long time. But we're working on it. There are some thigns Secret's learned to do that work for me.
When I was in my twenties, I hated the fact that I couldn't orgasm as easily as the majority of men can. I envied those who could pop off after just a few minutes of stimulation. Then I got a little philosophical about it. Being an altruist at heart made accepting the facts of my sex life easier.
I know Secret feels inadequate sometimes that she "can't make me come." We both know that, logically, my inability to orgasm under normal means is in no way her fault. But it's not easy being logical when you're sweating up the sheets. Hell, even I get frustrated from time to time.
All that said, there is very little that ahs been done that cannot be undone. Like me, you just have to learn some new tricks.
Now for a male perspective, which may help.
I figure it's a factor of my age and maturity, but I am much less concerned with my own orgasm than my SO's. To be honest, most of the time we make love, she has her fair share of orgasms while I go without. It doesn't bother me as much as you might think it would. I don't suffer "blue balls" as a result. I am honestly happy with the fact that I have brought her to bliss, and more than content to fall asleep afterward with her snuggled beside me.
That is not to say that I can't have an orgasm, but it never happens through the usual motions of sexual intercourse. And the use of "alternate means" takes a damn long time. But we're working on it. There are some thigns Secret's learned to do that work for me.
When I was in my twenties, I hated the fact that I couldn't orgasm as easily as the majority of men can. I envied those who could pop off after just a few minutes of stimulation. Then I got a little philosophical about it. Being an altruist at heart made accepting the facts of my sex life easier.
I know Secret feels inadequate sometimes that she "can't make me come." We both know that, logically, my inability to orgasm under normal means is in no way her fault. But it's not easy being logical when you're sweating up the sheets. Hell, even I get frustrated from time to time.
All that said, there is very little that ahs been done that cannot be undone. Like me, you just have to learn some new tricks.
AchtungNight
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There are ways to compensate for an inability to orgasm frequently. Give your partner more orgasms and share in their satisfaction. Learn to make their pleasure as or more important than your own. I've been doing this all my life.
Seriously, though, good luck and thanks for sharing your trouble. I hope we can help you get over it.
Seriously, though, good luck and thanks for sharing your trouble. I hope we can help you get over it.
Stella_Omega
No Gentleman
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Ask your doc about testosterone, sarah. Seriously.
Huckleman2000
It was something I ate.
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Ask your doc about testosterone, sarah. Seriously.
Yes.
Possibly Wellbutrin also - at least, that's what they suggested when I was anorgasmic from anti-depressants. That seems to be the first-resort augmentation for SSRIs anyway.
I also tried something called DIM, which is a homeopathic supplement that aids in metabolizing estrogen and thereby raising testosterone levels, or something like that. I think it even comes in a creme. It's a fairly common ingredient in menopausal supplements, as I recall. At least, that's the part of the shelf where I found it.
amicus
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At the real risk of being placed on 'ignore' by everyone, forever, I reluctantly venture forth with a suggestion concerning 'the big picture', a line I am lifting from the Peter O'Toole movie, "Creator".
My big picture suggestion, is one concerning that nature made biological clock that every thinking human chooses to extend in his/her own way.
It is not just contemporary social values that epitomize the young, the youthful, the vibrant, it has been the centerpiece for all societies for both male and female as father time marches on and take us with him.
Nature dictates somewhat, that, give or take a few years, age 25 is the peak physical age for child-bearing, sex and sexual enjoyment, orgasm exist, in nature's eye for one purpose and one purpose only, and you know what that is; all else is superficial or icing on the cake.
It is a change, a huge change indeed, but believe it or not, the best doctors say there is actually life after sex/orgasm. After the libido wanes and it does in all, it can be viewed with a vast relief that a particular era in life, like puberty and adolescence, has moved on to another plateau of understanding.
It sounds as though most who have responded are taking full advantage of medical and pharmaceutical science and knowhow, to forestall something that nature fully intended. Those remedies may indeed work...on a temporary basis, perhaps extending past pleasures for a year or a few years past their time.
It is a psychological leap of faith to ease on out of youth and middle age and face what is left with an healthy attitude, if possible.
One of the small things that makes the movie Creator, memorable, is a line about smart people analyzing their relationship before the relationship has even begun. When body changes, ages, so too, does the mind and perhaps investing excessive worry into fighting the changes, one might be better advised to take advantage of the new horizons and exploit those instead off looking back.
It happens all the time at all ages...when a young girl realizes she will never be a Prima Ballerina and a young man realizes he will never play in the NFL. And then when you made that first million before age 30 or 35 or 40. Life goes on.
One can live with regret over lost youth or one can bravely trudge onward, this time taking time to smell the roses.
egads another cliche'
Toodles...and best of luck in dealing with things...to everyone...
Amicus...
My big picture suggestion, is one concerning that nature made biological clock that every thinking human chooses to extend in his/her own way.
It is not just contemporary social values that epitomize the young, the youthful, the vibrant, it has been the centerpiece for all societies for both male and female as father time marches on and take us with him.
Nature dictates somewhat, that, give or take a few years, age 25 is the peak physical age for child-bearing, sex and sexual enjoyment, orgasm exist, in nature's eye for one purpose and one purpose only, and you know what that is; all else is superficial or icing on the cake.
It is a change, a huge change indeed, but believe it or not, the best doctors say there is actually life after sex/orgasm. After the libido wanes and it does in all, it can be viewed with a vast relief that a particular era in life, like puberty and adolescence, has moved on to another plateau of understanding.
It sounds as though most who have responded are taking full advantage of medical and pharmaceutical science and knowhow, to forestall something that nature fully intended. Those remedies may indeed work...on a temporary basis, perhaps extending past pleasures for a year or a few years past their time.
It is a psychological leap of faith to ease on out of youth and middle age and face what is left with an healthy attitude, if possible.
One of the small things that makes the movie Creator, memorable, is a line about smart people analyzing their relationship before the relationship has even begun. When body changes, ages, so too, does the mind and perhaps investing excessive worry into fighting the changes, one might be better advised to take advantage of the new horizons and exploit those instead off looking back.
It happens all the time at all ages...when a young girl realizes she will never be a Prima Ballerina and a young man realizes he will never play in the NFL. And then when you made that first million before age 30 or 35 or 40. Life goes on.
One can live with regret over lost youth or one can bravely trudge onward, this time taking time to smell the roses.
egads another cliche'
Toodles...and best of luck in dealing with things...to everyone...
Amicus...
impressive
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Sarah
I, too, am "too young to be in menopause" -- but surgical removal of one's baby making innards will do that to a gal. Technically, I went from pre- to post- in an hour, although I experienced hot flashes for a couple months afterward.
I haven't experienced the same side effect as you, but the means I most easily achieve orgasm has certainly shifted. Used to be that I could get off quickly on clitoral stimulation alone. No more. It takes a symphony of stimulation to push me over the edge now: nipples, clit, plus some form of penetration. Multitasking has taken on a whole new meaning.
The side effect I'm most likely to complain about, though, is lubrication. I miss getting slippery at the thought of sex. The internal lubrication is still adequate, and I don't need an artificial lube to screw or use a toy, but until penetrated, the outer is just not. *sigh* It takes g-spot stimulation to get those juices flowing these days.
Still, I have absolutely ZERO regrets about having the hysterectomy. My life has improved exponentially since.
I, too, am "too young to be in menopause" -- but surgical removal of one's baby making innards will do that to a gal. Technically, I went from pre- to post- in an hour, although I experienced hot flashes for a couple months afterward.
I haven't experienced the same side effect as you, but the means I most easily achieve orgasm has certainly shifted. Used to be that I could get off quickly on clitoral stimulation alone. No more. It takes a symphony of stimulation to push me over the edge now: nipples, clit, plus some form of penetration. Multitasking has taken on a whole new meaning.
The side effect I'm most likely to complain about, though, is lubrication. I miss getting slippery at the thought of sex. The internal lubrication is still adequate, and I don't need an artificial lube to screw or use a toy, but until penetrated, the outer is just not. *sigh* It takes g-spot stimulation to get those juices flowing these days.
Still, I have absolutely ZERO regrets about having the hysterectomy. My life has improved exponentially since.
J
JAMESBJOHNSON
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Why am I not surprised STELLA beats the drum for testosterone?
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rgraham666
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Damn, sweetie. *HUGS*
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TheeGoatPig
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I am so sorry to hear this has happened to you
I am so happy to hear that things are getting better though
I am so happy to hear that things are getting better though
NoJo
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Congratulations on your imminent orgasm, Sarah. I know what you're going through. It's clear that you're not ready to give up orgasms just yet.
But
What about in 20 years? In 30?
What kind of an 80 year-old would you want to be? Who, if anyone, would you like your "senior years" to be spent with? How often will your grandchildren come to visit?
These are the real issues of aging and menopause.
The transitional periods in our lives, adolescence, "mid-life crises", menopause, all involve letting go of things or people we love, and embracing something new. Maybe for some people, the "ability to orgasm" is one of the cherished aspects of life we might lose.
I'm highly sceptical of "anti-menopause" and "anti-aging" treatment in general. Not that they might not produce their advertised effects, but it's just that they probably don't make people happier except the pharma shareholders, they allow one to sweep the inevitable under the carpet, rather than helping one deal with the arc of life with dignity.
But
What about in 20 years? In 30?
What kind of an 80 year-old would you want to be? Who, if anyone, would you like your "senior years" to be spent with? How often will your grandchildren come to visit?
These are the real issues of aging and menopause.
The transitional periods in our lives, adolescence, "mid-life crises", menopause, all involve letting go of things or people we love, and embracing something new. Maybe for some people, the "ability to orgasm" is one of the cherished aspects of life we might lose.
I'm highly sceptical of "anti-menopause" and "anti-aging" treatment in general. Not that they might not produce their advertised effects, but it's just that they probably don't make people happier except the pharma shareholders, they allow one to sweep the inevitable under the carpet, rather than helping one deal with the arc of life with dignity.
DesertPirate
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Hope things continue to improve for you.
midwestyankee
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SSS, it was brave and generous of you to share this story with us. No doubt there are others who read Lit who have or are dealing with similar circumstances. Perhaps you've given some unknown lurker a little more hope. Perhaps someone else will drop in to say that she, too, is going through a similar period in her life. I'm sure you have sisters out there somewhere with whom you share this bond. Maybe you'll all find ways to hold each others' hands and help each other light the path to make the way easier.
Planning a warm hug for you when you come to the Windy City.
Planning a warm hug for you when you come to the Windy City.
TE999
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Bravo sarahh...both for sharing your problem and getting help.
I have found over the years that a decrease in ones libido prompts one to develop new techniques to satisfy your partner and yourself. Not having a hair-trigger makes you a more accurate shot.
I have found over the years that a decrease in ones libido prompts one to develop new techniques to satisfy your partner and yourself. Not having a hair-trigger makes you a more accurate shot.
sophia jane
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Thanks for sharing Sarah. Truly. (and I'd love to talk to you more about it in Chicago if you're willing )
My orgasm issues in the past were mostly due to depression and then, later, to the anti-depressants. It was truly awful. I didn't get aroused, couldn't get wet, couldn't orgasm. But through various means, I, too, learned to find new ways, and I'm glad to say that I'm actually back to "normal" again, with a much healthier appreciation for sex and my sexuality.
Thank you for being brave and putting yourself out there. And much luck to you!
)My orgasm issues in the past were mostly due to depression and then, later, to the anti-depressants. It was truly awful. I didn't get aroused, couldn't get wet, couldn't orgasm. But through various means, I, too, learned to find new ways, and I'm glad to say that I'm actually back to "normal" again, with a much healthier appreciation for sex and my sexuality.
Thank you for being brave and putting yourself out there. And much luck to you!
sadangel
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Um.
I have hesitated about starting this thread, actually, since there are a couple of people hanging around the AH who may be jerks towards me once they read this.
But I feel I must, as perhaps it can help some who are dealing with similar issues.
Did you know that menopause can include an inability to orgasm?
No?
The list of menopausal symptoms is long and varied.
It includes headache, low libido, racing heartbeat, heart palpitations, insomnia, serious anxiety, weight gain, inability to concentrate, depression, yadda yadda . . .
But - inability to orgasm????
Unfortunately it's true, and quite awful.
Vaginal atrophy. Jesus.
My situation is unique, my doctor said to me. I'm too young to be in menopause.
But you see, after learning of the terminal cancer diagnosis of my brother a few years ago, my system just shut down. Completely. Everything stopped.
I didn't mind at the time. I hardly noticed.
A few months later, by the time I realized I was no longer bothered by my monthly visitor I didn't give a damn. It was a good thing.
This continued for a couple of years. I fiigured - "Wow! I'm into menopause without all those awful symptoms! Cool!"
Um. No.
This past year I've seen all of these awful menopausal symptoms surface.
The biggest and most worrisome? Inability to orgasm.
What the fuck is that all about????
After a tearful visit to my doctor I learned a great deal. My doctor is brilliant. She sent me to an expert in bio-identical hormones. This pharmacist compounds prescriptions.
We discussed all of my symptoms. Strangely enough, I found all of my symptoms on his checklists.
I was normal.
He had terrific suggestions - hope for me.
Of course, with my family history of cancer he's sticking to progesterone. No estrogen. For the time being.
But damn.
After a couple of months on this treatment, I'm beginning to feel like myself again.
And although there aren't fireworks yet, we're fast approaching that summit.
Perhaps it's the rum, but I just wanted to share.
I talk with my pharmacist (I call him the Love Doctor now - embarrassed the hell out of him) about how people are dealing with similar issues.
Wouldn't you think this could seriously fuck up relationships if people had no idea why their libido was compromised?
He agreed.
Anyway.
Happy love and sex to everyone.
Just hugs sarahh. I have no words of advice or anything but I've got hugs and a listening ear if you ever need one.
Safe_Bet
No she's not back I'm Amy
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Bravo sarahh...both for sharing your problem and getting help.
I have found over the years that a decrease in ones libido prompts one to develop new techniques to satisfy your partner and yourself. Not having a hair-trigger makes you a more accurate shot.
*Snerk* TE you make it sound like she just joined AA or sumthin, jeez...
Somebody should start OA. You could have little stickers on you car with a limp dick. 
Sarah, thanks for this. You are voicing one of my greatest fears = the MENOPAUSE (and all of its associated symptoms).
I would be WAY past depression if I couldn't have orgasmns. I mean I damn near live for them. I NEED to have sex at least once daily or I starts jonesing.
Deep curtsey, chickie. Glad you got the Love Doctor and a GREAT chick doc to get this dealt with.
Let's see, you live in the Midwest so, yeah, I should be able to hear it when you start screaming from the Big O... Cool! Make my windows rattle!!!!
loganforester
Back in purple
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- Jun 28, 2008
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Um.
I have hesitated about starting this thread, actually, since there are a couple of people hanging around the AH who may be jerks towards me once they read this.
But I feel I must, as perhaps it can help some who are dealing with similar issues.
Did you know that menopause can include an inability to orgasm?
No?
The list of menopausal symptoms is long and varied.
It includes headache, low libido, racing heartbeat, heart palpitations, insomnia, serious anxiety, weight gain, inability to concentrate, depression, yadda yadda . . .
But - inability to orgasm????
Unfortunately it's true, and quite awful.
Vaginal atrophy. Jesus.
My situation is unique, my doctor said to me. I'm too young to be in menopause.
But you see, after learning of the terminal cancer diagnosis of my brother a few years ago, my system just shut down. Completely. Everything stopped.
I didn't mind at the time. I hardly noticed.
A few months later, by the time I realized I was no longer bothered by my monthly visitor I didn't give a damn. It was a good thing.
This continued for a couple of years. I fiigured - "Wow! I'm into menopause without all those awful symptoms! Cool!"
Um. No.
This past year I've seen all of these awful menopausal symptoms surface.
The biggest and most worrisome? Inability to orgasm.
What the fuck is that all about????
After a tearful visit to my doctor I learned a great deal. My doctor is brilliant. She sent me to an expert in bio-identical hormones. This pharmacist compounds prescriptions.
We discussed all of my symptoms. Strangely enough, I found all of my symptoms on his checklists.
I was normal.
He had terrific suggestions - hope for me.
Of course, with my family history of cancer he's sticking to progesterone. No estrogen. For the time being.
But damn.
After a couple of months on this treatment, I'm beginning to feel like myself again.
And although there aren't fireworks yet, we're fast approaching that summit.
Perhaps it's the rum, but I just wanted to share.
I talk with my pharmacist (I call him the Love Doctor now - embarrassed the hell out of him) about how people are dealing with similar issues.
Wouldn't you think this could seriously fuck up relationships if people had no idea why their libido was compromised?
He agreed.
Anyway.
Happy love and sex to everyone.
That's awful and I hope things improve for you. The hormonal balance in the female body is a strange and marvelous thing. I don't have much to add about the orgasm part but I can certainly speak to loss of libido.
After our son was born with DS and had to go through open heart surgery, my wife lost all her desire for sex and intimacy for 2 1/2 years which is very hard to take when you're only in your late 20's. For whatever reason the trauma and subsequent health issues caused a hormonal shift in her system and left her in a depression that she managed to hide well from everyone but me.
The few times during that period that we did have sex, were largely unsatisfying for her as she had real trouble reaching orgasm which just further fueled her lack of desire. It can be as frustrating for the partner as for the person with the issue, as it's hard to not take it personally that you're doing something wrong. Eventually her system readjusted itself and actually her libido is stronger than it ever was before.
Here's hoping that the same can happen in your situation.
I am glad you are able to find something to help you. Menopause is no fun and especially if your in a relationship and both of you are in menopause. I was thrown into medical menopause by chemo, my orgams are fine, if I could ever find the desire to have one. I to am to young for menopause but on the bright side I really don't mind not having my monthly friend coming to visit ;o)
My partner was put in menopause a couple years ago by a hysterectomy, she has the same problem with inablilty to orgasm and it frustrates her to no end on top of the no real desire and multitude of other menapausal issues that deal with sex. Just as we were working out her issues mine started.
Good luck it will happen. However frustration is easier to achieve but does not help, so as hard as it is sometimes try not to get frustrated.
My partner was put in menopause a couple years ago by a hysterectomy, she has the same problem with inablilty to orgasm and it frustrates her to no end on top of the no real desire and multitude of other menapausal issues that deal with sex. Just as we were working out her issues mine started.
Good luck it will happen. However frustration is easier to achieve but does not help, so as hard as it is sometimes try not to get frustrated.
J
JAMESBJOHNSON
Guest
LURKERS?
Is this thread bizarre or what?
I truly expect SARAH to apply for disability or blame George W. Bush.
Is this thread bizarre or what?
I truly expect SARAH to apply for disability or blame George W. Bush.
voluptuary_manque
Literotica Guru
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HM was always slow to orgasm and as we age she takes so long that often she can't even be bothered to try. That doesn't mean she doesn't enjoy sex, when she isn't exhausted from work but it is a disappointment for me to not see her shouting and spasming the way she used to. Courage, dear. I hope you have a better next 40 years than the last couple.
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