In need of advice

[papilllon]

I have a question for you fine Lit people.

I have been in contact with a Dominant for no more than a week now. A short time, I know. So far, we seem to share the same goals and vision of what we want in a relationship. I was always the first to ask questions about his expectations, ensuring this way that his answers weren’t made to mirror my own. So far, so good. But I know perfectly well from previous experience that one week is too short a time to find out if a Dominant and a submissive are well matched.

A couple things make me question this... Already, he talks about meeting each other in a public place. He says he’s not pressuring me, that he’s in no hurry, that he can wait and that we should meet a couple times in public places and talk more about our expectations before going any further. Still, I feel a bit uncomfortable about meeting him right now and wonder if one should be suspicious when a Dom asks for a meeting that soon. If he’s in no hurry, why ask so soon?

Two other things bother me. First of all, he has no references of ex-submissives to give me for he claims one is dead and he lost contact with the other one. This may be true but it’s also very convenient, isn’t? Second of all, he agrees that I should give his name and phone number and personal informations to someone I trust but only in a sealed enveloppe. These informations would be shown to me, than sealed in front of me and he would give me the enveloppe so I can entrust it to someone who would only open it if I don’t call when I’m supposed to. Then, every now and then, he would ask me to show him the enveloppe to prove it hasn’t been opened and would give me a new one.

Now, it seems a bit extreme if he has nothing to hide and it means that nobody would have personal info about him the first time we meet. That doesn’t seem like a very good idea to me. Has any of you heard of such a practice before? I’ve never heard of a Dominant doing that.

I like what he writes, I like what he’s looking for, but I sure have some reservations. Since I fancy both my health and my security, here I am, asking for the opinion of people far wiser than me when it comes to the DS world. Do You/you find his demands suspicious?

Thank you All/all, I appreciate your input.

papillon

 

[FurryFury]

This doesn't sound like a safe thing for you. You know that little voice inside you that questions things like this, listen to it.

I can understand him not having references, because that can happen in life. However trying to run the safe call his way sounds highly questionable to me. That's my opinion.

Fury

 

[ABX]

If you're at all uncomfortable, don't do it.

You need to be able to trust this person, and it's obvious you don't. And not without reason, frankly.

It sounds like you're going about things in a pretty sensible way - asking for references, contact details, etc - but if you go for this, you're putting a lot of trust in them, and a lot of power in their hands. Power which it doesn't look like they've merited, so far.

However, that's not to say they won't earn that trust in the future. Don't write them off completely. Just don't rush into anything you're not comfortable with.

 

[the captians wench]

The first things didn't seem like all that big a deal to me, but the whole envalope thing bugs me. However, you shouldn't rush into anything you're not comfortable with. The references thing really doesn't bother me, because I always think if he gives you a reference that doesn't favor him than he's pretty foolish so the only thing you really can tell from them is that he's had previous relationships. Also, I'm pretty foolish when it comes to some one I'm interested in and have made plans to meet people across the country having known them only a short while (a month to 6 weeks and Master I first started making plans to meet after chatting with him only 3 months and he's an ocean away from me), so that part doesn't bother me, but I may not be the best to go by there.

This envolope thing tho, that just shouts bad news. It sounds like he has something to hide. My mom is my safe call, and she requires a photo, phone number, name, and address before I go out with anyone, and that was before I was into the D/s thing. Handing her an envalope and telling her not to open it unless I didn't call would so not fly, and I don't think anyone who is used to being your safe call would feel comfortable with that either. But why would he switch the envalopes? That one really bugs me.

But I don't think you should totally put him off. I would make it clear that you are not comfortable with these things and that they would have to fit your comfort level before you met with him.

 

[catalina_francisco]

To address the points you mentioned...Firstly, the timing of when you first meet publicly is not such a biggee. Some people like to meet fairly quickly to make sure there is some chemistry to work on instead of talking for weeks, feeling everything is close to perfect, and then meeting to find you just don't gel....it can happen strangely enough. That being said, it is also your choice about how comfortable you feel. I know when I first started I had a couple of oms who wanted to meet after a few online conversations and I was suspicious, but now having more experience, less wariness of the unknown, and time to reflect, I think it was nothing more than they wanted to see how we matched face to face. He has suggested you do this at least a couple of times before going further (and in a public place) which to me is a good sign and not often offered (the couple of meetings that is...public should always be the way to go). That all being said, you also have a right to say when you feel comfortable meeting and if they think you are worth waiting for, they will do so while trying to also reassure you in whatever way is necessary.

As to references from former submissives....I never asked or expected them. After all, if they are past submissives, the relationship did not work out and so any information could be biased by a number of factors. Also any relationship between 2 people is unique and is not going to be the same between you and one of those people. Also what they might think of as safe might be far from what you think of as safe, or even shaded by their own perceptions of what they need and what was offered...if it is not exactly the same as your expectations how reliable is the reference. Not to mention if he is really questionable he could easily fabricate references or persuade of blackmail someone into providing a sparkly clean one for your benefit. Then there is also the question of how many people do you know who have been in a relatiopnship with someone, vanilla or kink, who are just waiting to provide a reference for a possible future partner of the one they are no longer with? It is not that prevelent, or unbiased by past experiences which may have nothing to do with the possible success of your match.

The personal info part I can also understand. F for one is not big on giving out personal information about him or us to strangers, or even people we have known for awhile. It is a mad world we live in these days and depending on the type of information given and to whom, it can come back to bite you in the arse so to speak if you hand it out willy nilly to anyone and especially to someone you do not even know. Would you feel comfortable handing over your name, address, workplace etc., to someone you didn't know but who knew someone you knew in a very limited and at this stage almost anonymous way? Would it make you feel safe knowing they then had those details on you and you had no information on them? I know I would not feel inclined to do so and feel safe. After all, this Dominant also has to make sure you are someone he can trust and as such has a right to protect himself. Of course, your mention he wants to see the sealed envelope from time to time also sounds to me like he is setting you up a little for a test in trust. It isn't like you are not being shown what the information is that is going in the envelope...you are being given full access to what is in there by his showing you and sealing it in front of you so you know it is real, he just doesn't want to share it with a stranger at this point.

You have to listen to your intuition and take it from there. If you are seriously wary (beyond simple and expected nerves), as others have said you should not continue. My take from what you have said alone and not speaking to the person myself is that they are actually giving you a lot of safety measures to make sure you feel safe. Most will offer one public meeting and then expect play to follow the next time you meet, many will not want to do more than give a cell phone number and name (which unless checked well could be fake anyway) for a safety call. First steps can be scary, but make sure before backing off that what you are feeling is real instinct and not just nervousness of maybe taking the next step in your journey.

Catalina

 

[A Desert Rose]

I have a question for you fine Lit people.

I have been in contact with a Dominant for no more than a week now. A short time, I know. So far, we seem to share the same goals and vision of what we want in a relationship. I was always the first to ask questions about his expectations, ensuring this way that his answers weren’t made to mirror my own. So far, so good. But I know perfectly well from previous experience that one week is too short a time to find out if a Dominant and a submissive are well matched.

A couple things make me question this... Already, he talks about meeting each other in a public place. He says he’s not pressuring me, that he’s in no hurry, that he can wait and that we should meet a couple times in public places and talk more about our expectations before going any further. Still, I feel a bit uncomfortable about meeting him right now and wonder if one should be suspicious when a Dom asks for a meeting that soon. If he’s in no hurry, why ask so soon?

Two other things bother me. First of all, he has no references of ex-submissives to give me for he claims one is dead and he lost contact with the other one. This may be true but it’s also very convenient, isn’t? Second of all, he agrees that I should give his name and phone number and personal informations to someone I trust but only in a sealed enveloppe. These informations would be shown to me, than sealed in front of me and he would give me the enveloppe so I can entrust it to someone who would only open it if I don’t call when I’m supposed to. Then, every now and then, he would ask me to show him the enveloppe to prove it hasn’t been opened and would give me a new one.

Now, it seems a bit extreme if he has nothing to hide and it means that nobody would have personal info about him the first time we meet. That doesn’t seem like a very good idea to me. Has any of you heard of such a practice before? I’ve never heard of a Dominant doing that.

I like what he writes, I like what he’s looking for, but I sure have some reservations. Since I fancy both my health and my security, here I am, asking for the opinion of people far wiser than me when it comes to the DS world. Do You/you find his demands suspicious?

Thank you All/all, I appreciate your input.

papillon

Go with your gut. It if feels wrong to you, then don't do it. If he doesn't understand that you need more time to know him, he's not worth it.

It doesn't matter what I would do, or anyone else here. All that matters is how you feel about this situation.

 

[JMohegan]

I have a question for you fine Lit people.

I have been in contact with a Dominant for no more than a week now. A short time, I know. So far, we seem to share the same goals and vision of what we want in a relationship. I was always the first to ask questions about his expectations, ensuring this way that his answers weren’t made to mirror my own. So far, so good. But I know perfectly well from previous experience that one week is too short a time to find out if a Dominant and a submissive are well matched.

A couple things make me question this... Already, he talks about meeting each other in a public place. He says he’s not pressuring me, that he’s in no hurry, that he can wait and that we should meet a couple times in public places and talk more about our expectations before going any further. Still, I feel a bit uncomfortable about meeting him right now and wonder if one should be suspicious when a Dom asks for a meeting that soon. If he’s in no hurry, why ask so soon?

If you were standing in line at the dry cleaner and struck up a great conversation with a guy who seemed compatible, would you say no if he asked you to join him for coffee at the Starbucks next door?

I'll be honest with you. I've never done the online search for a mate thing, so maybe I'm missing something obvious here. But if I found a woman intriguing in the virtual world and asked her to step out into the real world to say hi in a crowded restaurant, I would be very put off if she said no. I'd wonder what she was hiding, and what possible reason she could have for turning down a *public* date if she finds me intriguing, too.

And there's no way I would give her detailed personal information after one week of chatting online, for the same reasons that I would not demand such information from her. There are a lot of nuts out there, and *everybody* needs to be careful.

There are many ways to spend time getting to know each other in a real setting without putting yourself in physical danger. Common sense goes a long way here. Don't get in his car, don't let him in yours, don't give him your address or home phone number, etc., until you have had a chance to get to know him in the real world and feel comfortable doing so.

Meet at restaurants and movie theaters. Invite him to join your Bike Club for a ride, or meet up at a local munch. Go on double dates, with your friends or his. Etc.

If your goal is a relationship in the physical world, then the sooner you step out of the virtual world and start testing the waters of compatibility in the real one, the better. Think of him like the guy in line at the dry cleaner, and work from there.

 

[JMohegan]

Go with your gut. It if feels wrong to you, then don't do it.

I agree with this.

Paying attention to "that little voice in you", as Fury put it, is a really important thing to do - and none of my comments in the previous post should be construed as advice to ignore the same.

However, if the OP's sole source of reluctance is wariness based on the fact that this guy asked her out on a date, then perhaps my remarks might give her something to think about here.

 

[the captians wench]

If you were standing in line at the dry cleaner and struck up a great conversation with a guy who seemed compatible, would you say no if he asked you to join him for coffee at the Starbucks next door?

I'm glad you made this point. When I first started meeting people "outside" who I had met online my mom had a fit. (Ofcourse I didn't tell her until the night I was going out and I'd then tell her I'd call her at a certian time) But she kept arguing that I knew nothing about this person. The point I made to her is that you know nothing about a person you meet in a bar when they start talking to you and then pass you their number, but I know she'd not hesitate to go out with them if they rang her. So what was the big difference. More than a year later, she's now agruing my side to our family when they find out I "have a guy" that's a bit of a ways from me who I plan to meet with (and finally have the trip's date planed out now ). Granted the latter is a bit different since I need a passport to meet with him, but you get the idea.

 

[FurryFury]

The whole holding and exchanging the envelope thing felt all grifter-ish to me.

I agree JM, that taking something to RT can be scary for some. I feel pretty safe in public. I wouldn't let him walk me to my car unless I trusted him. I would and have met someone in public before, not from the Internet but blind dates and stuff. No dry cleaner dates. I don't buy stuff that has to be dry cleaned. *L*

My personal opinion at that time was that I could take care of myself. If they were stupid enough, let them try something, I'd make them sorry. I was in that mood way back then when I was single. I've never been single for long. I was a reckless little thing. I even sought out somewhat dangerous situations in which I felt I was in almost total control back in the day. That was an illusion though nothing bad happened to me. I don't recommend such dangerous courses of action for others though.

If he can be patient until you are ready, fine. If he can comply with what you need to be comfortable, great. Otherwise he isn't the right one for you. Just don't let fear or shyness keep you on the Internet at home instead of out in the world really doing what you want.

Fury

 

[A Desert Rose]

I've met several people up close and personally, from Lit and other online sites. But I'd known them longer than a week.

She has mentioned at least 3 different times in that post that she is uncomfortable with the situation. There's no reason to hurry into meeting someone until she is ready to do so.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm glad you made this point. When I first started meeting people "outside" who I had met online my mom had a fit. (Ofcourse I didn't tell her until the night I was going out and I'd then tell her I'd call her at a certian time) But she kept arguing that I knew nothing about this person. The point I made to her is that you know nothing about a person you meet in a bar when they start talking to you and then pass you their number, but I know she'd not hesitate to go out with them if they rang her. So what was the big difference. More than a year later, she's now agruing my side to our family when they find out I "have a guy" that's a bit of a ways from me who I plan to meet with (and finally have the trip's date planed out now ). Granted the latter is a bit different since I need a passport to meet with him, but you get the idea.

LOL, so true...I went through the same arguments from friends and family and yet I could answer more questions about F's personal tastes, ethics, beliefs, habits, politics than most of them could about partners they had been with for years in RL. I also had copies of his passport, birth certificate, his work contacts by mail/phone/internet, the address and phone numbers of his family members which most do not have even after a few dates in the conventional dating scene. It is like many things...when they are new, not considered the norm, most people regard them with suspicion without giving it any rational thought. LOL, I had one friend who was convinced because he was Spanish he must be abusive toward women, and I would regret my 'foolishness'...she has not responded to my emails etc., since I moved here and settled into happy bliss despite my never mentioning her misgivings in any way.

Catalina

 

[FurryFury]

I've met several people up close and personally, from Lit and other online sites. But I'd known them longer than a week.

She has mentioned at least 3 different times in that post that she is uncomfortable with the situation. There's no reason to hurry into meeting someone until she is ready to do so.

I agree.

*nods*

Fury

 

[callinectes]

Quote:
Originally Posted by A Desert Rose
I've met several people up close and personally, from Lit and other online sites. But I'd known them longer than a week.

She has mentioned at least 3 different times in that post that she is uncomfortable with the situation. There's no reason to hurry into meeting someone until she is ready to do so.



I agree.

*nods*

Fury


Yep.. I'm with y'all on this one. I'm also a big believer in listening to my gut.

 

[the captians wench]

LOL, so true...I went through the same arguments from friends and family and yet I could answer more questions about F's personal tastes, ethics, beliefs, habits, politics than most of them could about partners they had been with for years in RL. I also had copies of his passport, birth certificate, his work contacts by mail/phone/internet, the address and phone numbers of his family members which most do not have even after a few dates in the conventional dating scene. It is like many things...when they are new, not considered the norm, most people regard them with suspicion without giving it any rational thought. LOL, I had one friend who was convinced because he was Spanish he must be abusive toward women, and I would regret my 'foolishness'...she has not responded to my emails etc., since I moved here and settled into happy bliss despite my never mentioning her misgivings in any way.

Catalina

*giggles*

Yes, my friends at work are convinced that my trip will end in one of two ways, either I will find he's married, or he's some sort of serial killer that gets young girls to come to him (from other countries of course). *giggles* I simply tell them after almost a year and a half I would think that if he was just out to kill me he would be very frusterated and bored with me by now. He doesn't seem to think it's as amusing as I do, but I think it's halarious the things they come up with. Then there's the other extream like my dad who imagines I'll be the wife of a potato farmer in 10 years. *giggles* course I haven't told love that one.

 

[JMohegan]

But she kept arguing that I knew nothing about this person. The point I made to her is that you know nothing about a person you meet in a bar when they start talking to you and then pass you their number, but I know she'd not hesitate to go out with them if they rang her. So what was the big difference.

Yes, that's my question exactly. What is the difference?

Why don't the same common sense/safety rules apply whether you meet someone online, in the grocery store, or at a bar?

The whole holding and exchanging the envelope thing felt all grifter-ish to me.

Thanks, Fury. I just learned a new vocabulary word.

Grifter = a person who swindles you by means of deception or fraud

I agree that the envelope thing sounds strange, but what I don't understand is why, in this specific situation, he would be willing to hand over personal information in the first place - envelope or no.

The OP asked, "Do You/you find his demands suspicious?" My response is to say - no, I don't think it's suspicious that he is asking her for a date. And frankly, her demands are the ones that seem strangest to me.

Call me oldfashioned, but if I have to copy a death certificate and track down/bother old girlfriends just to say hi in a public restaurant, I'll pass on both the dinner and relationship. I just don't consider that reasonable.

 

[FurryFury]

Thanks, Fury. I just learned a new vocabulary word.

Grifter = a person who swindles you by means of deception or fraud

I agree that the envelope thing sounds strange, but what I don't understand is why, in this specific situation, he would be willing to hand over personal information in the first place - envelope or no.

The OP asked, "Do You/you find his demands suspicious?" My response is to say - no, I don't think it's suspicious that he is asking her for a date. And frankly, her demands are the ones that seem strangest to me.

Call me oldfashioned, but if I have to copy a death certificate and track down/bother old girlfriends just to say hi in a public restaurant, I'll pass on both the dinner and relationship. I just don't consider that reasonable.

*nods*

Which is why you wouldn't be the right person for this woman. Though where the death certificate came from I don't know.

Personally, I'd be expecting to meet someone in public to determine if there was any offline chemistry between us. All the online chemistry in the world might be nothing in person, IMO.

Fury

 

[JMohegan]

Though where the death certificate came from I don't know.

She expressed skepticism over his "claim" that a previous partner had died.

Personally, I'd be expecting to meet someone in public to determine if there was any offline chemistry between us. All the online chemistry in the world might be nothing in person, IMO.

Yes, exactly.

And this, IMO, is the best answer to the OP's question: "If he’s in no hurry, why ask so soon?"

She seems to be asking what we think is reasonable. My personal opinion is: if they are both seeking a relationship in the physical world, then it is fully reasonable to treat it as such from the beginning..... with the clear caveat that (as each person posting on this thread has agreed) she should be listening to her gut every step of the way.

 

[chris9]

Some time in the last few days someone here posted something along the lines that it's safer (or seems safer) to meet in a public restaurant/café early on than to hand out home or cell phone numbers.
Personally, I would want to meet the internet potential as fast as possible. I just don't see why I would spend so much time and energy to build a relationship and then the chemistry is lacking once we meet. I would pick a location somewhere in the town centre and maybe not even have a safe-call but a safe-person there with me. Not attending the date, but maybe having a coffee on a different table (out of earshot). Which is no BDSM specific precaution. I don't go to clubs/bars/discos by myself but have friends with me who will get me out should someone become disagreeable and I can't get away by myself.

When it comes to personal information I see a difference if it's just a pretty ordinary first date in a public place as opposed to rather long-distance traveling. Should I meet a guy in another part of this world, I would expect much info about him before meeting him, as the visit would probably be longer in relation to the longer distance. In that case I would be prepared to give the same information. I'm not sure if it cuts down on the chances to get a serial killer, but it increases the chances that they are the gender they said they are. To me it also shows that they are serious in wanting this relationship which I wouldn't need for just one date in public.

Of course, if in either case I'd have the feeling that whoever is rushing it, seems to want more faster than I'm willing to give, inspires doubts as to his honesty, I'd be out of there quickly.

 

[FurryFury]

She expressed skepticism over his "claim" that a previous partner had died.

Ah, I see. Thanks for explaining that.

Fury

 

[FurryFury]

Some time in the last few days someone here posted something along the lines that it's safer (or seems safer) to meet in a public restaurant/café early on than to hand out home or cell phone numbers.
Personally, I would want to meet the internet potential as fast as possible. I just don't see why I would spend so much time and energy to build a relationship and then the chemistry is lacking once we meet. I would pick a location somewhere in the town centre and maybe not even have a safe-call but a safe-person there with me. Not attending the date, but maybe having a coffee on a different table (out of earshot). Which is no BDSM specific precaution. I don't go to clubs/bars/discos by myself but have friends with me who will get me out should someone become disagreeable and I can't get away by myself.

When it comes to personal information I see a difference if it's just a pretty ordinary first date in a public place as opposed to rather long-distance traveling. Should I meet a guy in another part of this world, I would expect much info about him before meeting him, as the visit would probably be longer in relation to the longer distance. In that case I would be prepared to give the same information. I'm not sure if it cuts down on the chances to get a serial killer, but it increases the chances that they are the gender they said they are. To me it also shows that they are serious in wanting this relationship which I wouldn't need for just one date in public.

Of course, if in either case I'd have the feeling that whoever is rushing it, seems to want more faster than I'm willing to give, inspires doubts as to his honesty, I'd be out of there quickly.

*nods*

I'm not comfortable with giving out my number to people online at all.

However I must admit that the most trouble I ever got in was dating people my own age about which I had a lot of information. There is nothing that is fool proof in this world.

That's why I said, listen to that little voice. You may not understand why it is saying what it does at first but it's a good idea to give it the benefit of a doubt IMO.

Fury

 

[papilllon]

Thanks

Thank you All/all for these answers.

I agree that, when you come to think of it, it's not more dangerous to meet a Dominant in public than it is to meet a guy you've seen once in a bar... But still, in a way it is very different... Perhaps it's because I'm still new at this, but it does make a difference to me. Meeting a Dominant man is a big thing for me. It makes me feel vulnerable in a way no vanilla man could ever make me feel. And that do makes me more careful than I would normally be with someone not into D/S. I'm not trying to justify it, it's just the way I feel.

It's mostly the sealed enveloppe thing that bugs me, mainly because I don't see how I would explain that to the person I would give the enveloppe to. She would not understand, would be very worried and would certainly not accept to go with it. The meeting in public and the lack of references, I can deal with. Anyway, I just sent this Dominant man a message, explaining how I feel. I'll see what happens next and if I'm comfortable with his answer.

I will indeed follow my gut and my instinct. I'm not in a hurry and finding the right partner is not a race.

Thank you again. Your/your answers helped me clarify how I feel about all this.

Have a nice evening,

papillon

 

[A Desert Rose]

Thank you All/all for these answers.

I agree that, when you come to think of it, it's not more dangerous to meet a Dominant in public than it is to meet a guy you've seen once in a bar... But still, in a way it is very different... Perhaps it's because I'm still new at this, but it does make a difference to me. Meeting a Dominant man is a big thing for me. It makes me feel vulnerable in a way no vanilla man could ever make me feel. And that do makes me more careful than I would normally be with someone not into D/S. I'm not trying to justify it, it's just the way I feel.

It's mostly the sealed enveloppe thing that bugs me, mainly because I don't see how I would explain that to the person I would give the enveloppe to. She would not understand, would be very worried and would certainly not accept to go with it. The meeting in public and the lack of references, I can deal with. Anyway, I just sent this Dominant man a message, explaining how I feel. I'll see what happens next and if I'm comfortable with his answer.

I will indeed follow my gut and my instinct. I'm not in a hurry and finding the right partner is not a race.

Thank you again. Your/your answers helped me clarify how I feel about all this.

Have a nice evening,

papillon

Excellent for you.

 

[JMohegan]

But still, in a way it is very different... Perhaps it's because I'm still new at this, but it does make a difference to me. Meeting a Dominant man is a big thing for me. It makes me feel vulnerable in a way no vanilla man could ever make me feel. And that do makes me more careful than I would normally be with someone not into D/S. I'm not trying to justify it, it's just the way I feel.

Papillon,

Please take what I say next as a sincere attempt to help you. You never, under any circumstances, have to "justify" your feelings to anyone - least of all some random guy on the Internet (i.e., me). I recognize your comments as very common among inexperienced submissives. I acknowledge what you are feeling as very, very normal, and am not criticizing you in any way with what I am about to say.

A "Dominant man" is only a Dominant if *you* give him that power. Until the day that you agree to let him control you in some manner, he is just a guy like any other.

He is absolutely not a Dominant just because *he* says so. He may be a Dominant if, over time, you recognize qualities, characteristics, needs, strengths, etc. that lead you to believe he is worthy of your submission.

My personal advice (to you, or anyone else) is to view *all* potential partners as not-necessarily-Dominant until the day that something clicks in you as an individual and makes you realize..... I want to surrender control to this human being.

Don't give him the power until he has earned it. Don't look at him as a different species of male. He's just a guy, like any other - putting his pants on, one leg at a time.

 

[the captians wench]

Papillon,

Please take what I say next as a sincere attempt to help you. You never, under any circumstances, have to "justify" your feelings to anyone - least of all some random guy on the Internet (i.e., me). I recognize your comments as very common among inexperienced submissives. I acknowledge what you are feeling as very, very normal, and am not criticizing you in any way with what I am about to say.

A "Dominant man" is only a Dominant if *you* give him that power. Until the day that you agree to let him control you in some manner, he is just a guy like any other.

He is absolutely not a Dominant just because *he* says so. He may be a Dominant if, over time, you recognize qualities, characteristics, needs, strengths, etc. that lead you to believe he is worthy of your submission.

My personal advice (to you, or anyone else) is to view *all* potential partners as not-necessarily-Dominant until the day that something clicks in you as an individual and makes you realize..... I want to surrender control to this human being.

Don't give him the power until he has earned it. Don't look at him as a different species of male. He's just a guy, like any other - putting his pants on, one leg at a time.

While I agree with your principle here, I have to admit this is a very hard thing to do sometimes. I know personally, for me, some guys just click that submissiveness in me, whether I know them as a dom or not (and the reverse can be true where I just can't see a dom as a dominate figure). This is even harder to do when you're had some conversations that make you feel his power so to speak. And no amount of telling yourself "he's just a guy, he's just a guy" will help with that. Now to what extent one gives way to that pressence is fully with in their control. While I may keep my head half bowed and eyes lowered around some men, I'm not nessisarily going to let the flog me just because I feel their athority.