In a tiss :(

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Apr 29, 2009
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Is it OK to find out your sub hubbie has been placing personals and trying to arrange to meet new fetish buddies when you are exclusive?

Even if he says he'd never really meet anyone when it came to it - it's just for scenarios and just a bit of fun when he's horny and I'm not around?

I feel so betrayed :(

Thoughts please...
 
It's simple:

No matter if he told you the truth or not, he is either lieing to you or the other persons for his pleasure. It's up to you if you mind a liar or not.
 
Is it OK to find out your sub hubbie has been placing personals and trying to arrange to meet new fetish buddies when you are exclusive?

...

I feel so betrayed :(

I think you've got already the answer. If he knew you were exclusive, and I have no reason to assume otherwise, then no, it's not OK. Really, there's not much difference between this and garden-variety infidelity.
 
Is it OK to find out your sub hubbie has been placing personals and trying to arrange to meet new fetish buddies when you are exclusive?
Even if he says he'd never really meet anyone when it came to it - it's just for scenarios and just a bit of fun when he's horny and I'm not around?

I feel so betrayed :(

Thoughts please...



NO WAY IN HELL
 
I think you've got already the answer. If he knew you were exclusive, and I have no reason to assume otherwise, then no, it's not OK. Really, there's not much difference between this and garden-variety infidelity.

I think he said it the best.
 
Thanks everyone for the responses and PM's :)

I felt that way too - I had already answered my own question really but just wanted to see if there were thoughts the other way too to excuse him in anyway - for fairness.

I think anything out of agreed boundaries is not right and there's some talking to be done...
 
On the ginger to habanero scale of relational infidelities I'd say this rates about an anaheim.
 
On the ginger to habanero scale of relational infidelities I'd say this rates about an anaheim.

OK... I can do the pepper scale....so you are saying this is not bad...Maybe not so far... and what about trust? Trust is the basis of any relationship :D
 
Did he ever express a desire for fetish stuff to you? If not then that's another betrayal of trust in my opinion, or a breakdown in communication at the very least.

How can you be sure that he never met someone he contacted? If you're taking his word for that then I would be suspicious.

I don't want to get all negative but if you're to move on from this episode with him you really need to know exactly what has and has not happened. Only then can you decide whether he is worthy of forgiveness or a second chance.
 
OK... I can do the pepper scale....so you are saying this is not bad...Maybe not so far... and what about trust? Trust is the basis of any relationship :D

Only you can say how big of an issue this is within the scope of your relationship.

Sometimes I look at the escort classifieds on craigslist cause I like to see the pictures and read how women sell themselves. I'm sure if my sub found those pages in my history she'd be concerned I was fucking prostitutes but I'd hope she'd believe me if I told her I was just looking.

Then again, we have a solid basis of trust all around.

What I'm saying is that as an isolated incident, this doesnt seem like a big deal to me. As another straw on the camels back, it could be a big deal.
 
Did he ever express a desire for fetish stuff to you? If not then that's another betrayal of trust in my opinion, or a breakdown in communication at the very least.

How can you be sure that he never met someone he contacted? If you're taking his word for that then I would be suspicious.

I don't want to get all negative but if you're to move on from this episode with him you really need to know exactly what has and has not happened. Only then can you decide whether he is worthy of forgiveness or a second chance.

Yes has a long past history of it, but has been developed exclusively with me for years and all is superb! :D

I think it's just intrique in moments of loneliness/hornyness (I've had to be away on/off due to a terminal illness in my family) - it's a bit more unusual on the net to be a straight male sub into CD/punishment.

I agree with all you say about trust...we've had a long talk tonight and I'm pretty certain non were face to face. There's a lot of intensity/love/nurture here too and he realises he's been an idiot.

All I hope is that there are no more episodes and in fact that this brings us closer - which I think it already has :D
 
Only you can say how big of an issue this is within the scope of your relationship.

Sometimes I look at the escort classifieds on craigslist cause I like to see the pictures and read how women sell themselves. I'm sure if my sub found those pages in my history she'd be concerned I was fucking prostitutes but I'd hope she'd believe me if I told her I was just looking.

Then again, we have a solid basis of trust all around.

What I'm saying is that as an isolated incident, this doesnt seem like a big deal to me. As another straw on the camels back, it could be a big deal.

Yes well there were also posts where he talked about stuff we'd done and everyone was telling him how lucky he is. I think it is isolated. I am still pretty mad and upset and I do feel it's a betrayal - I've read every PM and post and that is hard stuff to read. Maybe I'm naive and it's one of many 'dismeanours' to come? I'd love to hear from any dom/subs in really long term relationships - I always believe sub males to be mainly very loving and loyal and never liking to rock the boat - and my boat just hit a flipping big wave :(
 
Maybe I'm naive and it's one of many 'dismeanours' to come?

Probably. He might be sincere, but equally he might just be thinking that next time, he needs to be more diligent in making sure you don't find out. Sure, you talked and now you're fairly sure he never actually met any of them in person, but...why does that excuse him? He probably had the intention to meet them and might well have gone through with it if you hadn't found out when you did. I realise this is all just a hypothetical - I don't know you, I don't know him and I can neither see the future nor into his mind - but my two cents says give him one more chance. If he's sincere, awesome, problem solved. If he's not, drop him and get the fuck out before he convinces you to stay.
 
Is it OK to find out your sub hubbie has been placing personals and trying to arrange to meet new fetish buddies when you are exclusive?

Even if he says he'd never really meet anyone when it came to it - it's just for scenarios and just a bit of fun when he's horny and I'm not around?

I feel so betrayed :(

Thoughts please...

If you feel betrayed, then you were. You know the relationship you were supposed to have and how it turned out.
 
Yes well there were also posts where he talked about stuff we'd done and everyone was telling him how lucky he is. I think it is isolated. I am still pretty mad and upset and I do feel it's a betrayal - I've read every PM and post and that is hard stuff to read. Maybe I'm naive and it's one of many 'dismeanours' to come? I'd love to hear from any dom/subs in really long term relationships - I always believe sub males to be mainly very loving and loyal and never liking to rock the boat - and my boat just hit a flipping big wave :(

I think that any time you read things that weren't meant for your eyes, you're asking to see things you don't want to.

I've overheard the way my sub talks about me or other guys to her girlfriends before and I've certainly found it shocking, but I'm sure she'd be just as shocked to hear some of the things I say to my friends when I think I have privacy.

It just doesn't mean anything, everyone is entitled to a degree of privacy in my book.
 
Probably. He might be sincere, but equally he might just be thinking that next time, he needs to be more diligent in making sure you don't find out. Sure, you talked and now you're fairly sure he never actually met any of them in person, but...why does that excuse him? He probably had the intention to meet them and might well have gone through with it if you hadn't found out when you did. I realise this is all just a hypothetical - I don't know you, I don't know him and I can neither see the future nor into his mind - but my two cents says give him one more chance. If he's sincere, awesome, problem solved. If he's not, drop him and get the fuck out before he convinces you to stay.

Yes, well this is the first thing I thought of.. he just starts up somewhere else, different user name etc. I have always expected some 'blips' due to his past life - but loyalty is all to me and I agree with you 100%. More of this and I will be gone. I am gold to/for him and if he doesn't realise that then he can take his chances elsewhere.

I think there's a big role play/fantasy thing going on and perhaps this is an area I need to put more effort in to myself. I don't think it's a strangers thing.

Yes talk can be cheap. The eyes are the windows to the soul though :D I think after having be burnt badly from personals in his past (before we met), he might just actually run a mile for all his writing bravado.

I would be gutted if he did intend to really meet any of them - I feel sick at the thought - and yes it will be interesting to see if he can rebuild my trust - that is for him to do.
 
I think that any time you read things that weren't meant for your eyes, you're asking to see things you don't want to.

I've overheard the way my sub talks about me or other guys to her girlfriends before and I've certainly found it shocking, but I'm sure she'd be just as shocked to hear some of the things I say to my friends when I think I have privacy.

It just doesn't mean anything, everyone is entitled to a degree of privacy in my book.

I didn't want to read these things, I came across them by accident (site not logged out of) but I am glad that I have even though it hurts. All relationships are built on trust and any with fetishes have even more depth, intimacy, intensity and trust and for me they are exclusive.

If I didn't want exclusivity then then I wouldn't feel this way I'm sure - but that is the basis of our relationship and the basis for much increased stability and happiness in other areas of our lives too.

I don't really have a problem with him talking about what we do - it makes him happy - it turns him on, it's fun, it's intimate, it's loving - that's fine. I think sometimes he just looks for someone else who understands how it makes him feel.

I also agree that everyone is entitled to privacy. What I do not agree with is my exclusive placing personals for new partners behind my back. If I'm not all he needs he should talk to me and then we sort or go our separate ways. :)
 
If you feel betrayed, then you were. You know the relationship you were supposed to have and how it turned out.

Yes! :D Thanks so much I agree :)

I know it's difficult for others to know or understand. :D I just really was interested to know if anyone could see things to redeem him in any way at all :) And others in long-term sub/dom relationships where the net can also be a threat to the status quo?
 
I think that connecting with other people online (like what we're doing right now) and placing personal ads are entirely different. He should not do that. However, there is a chance that he could have just been lonely and stupid, never really intending on acting out on it. Either way, keep a close eye on him and I think when you live with someone you should understand that the internet will never be fully private; the history button on your tool bar will show you every site that has been visited. I'm not sure exactly what the dynamics of your s/m relationship are but it is evident that you have been hurt and you have expressed that hurt to him. If I, however ignorantly, displeased my Master in such a way I would require some form of absolution to let go of the emotional baggage of having displeased him. I would expect punishment, even if I really didn't mean anything by it.
 
I'd do some relationship forensics, and that's not to put the blame on you. But my feeling is that by the time someone does cheat it's because the relationship is broken - cheating is not what breaks the relationship.

So maybe he feels he lacks personal space, maybe he doesn't have enough social network other than you, maybe he's feeling neglected and trying to get your attention - have you asked him WHY he did this? Are you able to ask him and be ready to not punish him for his honesty by freaking out?
 
I'd do some relationship forensics, and that's not to put the blame on you. But my feeling is that by the time someone does cheat it's because the relationship is broken - cheating is not what breaks the relationship.

So maybe he feels he lacks personal space, maybe he doesn't have enough social network other than you, maybe he's feeling neglected and trying to get your attention - have you asked him WHY he did this? Are you able to ask him and be ready to not punish him for his honesty by freaking out?

I agree with this. The desire to see what's out there, flirt and flex one's prowess
might all be motivating factors here as well. I would ask what the motivation was before freaking out.
 
I think that connecting with other people online (like what we're doing right now) and placing personal ads are entirely different. He should not do that. However, there is a chance that he could have just been lonely and stupid, never really intending on acting out on it. Either way, keep a close eye on him and I think when you live with someone you should understand that the internet will never be fully private; the history button on your tool bar will show you every site that has been visited. I'm not sure exactly what the dynamics of your s/m relationship are but it is evident that you have been hurt and you have expressed that hurt to him. If I, however ignorantly, displeased my Master in such a way I would require some form of absolution to let go of the emotional baggage of having displeased him. I would expect punishment, even if I really didn't mean anything by it.

I agree with everything you have said :)

Punishment is a funny thing in this because of the type he enjoys it doesn't feel right - although it also makes sense. There are so many reasons. If we were seriously into 'training' then yes. He is already a loving and caring person with fabulous manners, but yes he does like to push things to the limits at times as he loves being punished. But that is stubborness, spirit, devilishness and taking things to extremes etc. I can't have him taking pleasure for days from physical pain/marks I would cause him for something this potentially serious. Plus I need to know that I wouldn't go overboard because of this. I hope this is making sense. I would rather offer him love. S/D S/M is not our whole relationship only part of it and it is part games and part real life. However, to me planned possible infidelity caused by a S/M S/D element is real life... it goes too far breaks boundaries and possibly a fantastic relationship.

Any punishment for this would have to take on a different element - like doing something for me (he may/may not like doing), or some control from abstaining or teasing. I'm still formulating :)

From what I can see he truly was just looking for ideas. scenarios and connections with what other people like/enjoy/do/plan for titillation, it's just he went around it in the wrong way. But we are both aware that there's little info available for straight sub male/CD/punishment afficionados (although the afficionados seem common enough) - LOL! perhaps we should write our own pieces for Literotica! :D Like I say, he loves role play and there's probably less of that in our relationship than there should be and I can see that is something for me to cultivate more for/with him:D

We are deeply in love and whatever is needed to grow and flourish (together and as individuals) will happen and especially if we communicate - you cannot act on what you do not know :)
 
Hi Miss,

Have you asked him why he did it? What the thrill for him to do behind your back, is he truly a sub or just pretending tp keep you happy?
Also what you have to ask yourself, do you do enough to keep him satisfied/interested or your dom/sub relationship?
What are his thoughts on you seeking advice here now? Or you not told him?
 
I'd do some relationship forensics, and that's not to put the blame on you. But my feeling is that by the time someone does cheat it's because the relationship is broken - cheating is not what breaks the relationship.

So maybe he feels he lacks personal space, maybe he doesn't have enough social network other than you, maybe he's feeling neglected and trying to get your attention - have you asked him WHY he did this? Are you able to ask him and be ready to not punish him for his honesty by freaking out?

Yes, of course.. :D We have :D We actually feel closer than ever...everything is natural and right :)

Yes, I think when people cheat the relationship can be broken, but also sometimes people feel the grass is greener for right or wrong or something is lacking whether they can put their finger on the problem or not and sometimes they seek solice with someone else rather than the person they are with. It is easier that way sometimes, especially if you don't know where to start or there are some serious imcompatabilites :)

He doesn't lack any of the things you have sensibly suggested - he is very well balanced, popular, amusing, charming and I love him very much! :D Yes "Why?" is the first question, plus "you have some explaining to do!" :) I am always able to ask anything (as he is with me) and honesty and openess are the most important things to me in this relationship, so they are always rewarded with love. :D Fortunately, I rarely get angry from something like this - just upset - just want to make it right as he does with me :)
 
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