Important things learned

[A Desert Rose]

This does not have to be restricted to your sexuality or to BDSM. It can be anything your heart desires to discuss.

One of the most important things I have learned recently, is to make amends with people who matter to you and tell them they do matter.

But I have learned other important things since coming to Lit. I won't bore you with them... yet. I would like to hear what others have to say first.

 

[SexyChele]

Rose, how ironic you brought this topic up at just this time. I have learned a very valuable lesson just last night. Unfortunately it is too raw and too painful for me to yet be able to truly put into words the exact lesson learned. I need time to heal a bit and get my brain and heart in order.

I will be back!

 

[A Desert Rose]

I will be back!

Thanks SC, I count on it! ~smile~

 

[A Desert Rose]

Since no one is posting to this but me... I will carry on. LOL

There is something I can't seem to learn. I cannot learn how not to be territorial. I am possessive and jealous. I try hard to control it and contain it but it is so much a part of me. It comes out and becomes quite ugly at times.

If I belong to a Dom, by his own admission and desire, then does he not too belong to me?

I don't share well.

 

[lovetoread]

I have learned that I trust too easily.

That one's words are not necessarily the truth.

 

[SexyChele]

I have learned that I trust too easily.

That one's words are not necessarily the truth.

Damn, I've been wrestling with my feelings all day, and LTR, you summed it up what is going on in my head in two sentences!

 

[Goddess Helena]

ADR, I think your Dom is yours just as much as you are His.

That is how things are with My boy. Of course, W/we are also a bit territorial.

I have been telling the people I love how much they mean to Me these last couple of days. A part of Me is surprised at how easy it is.

I learned that keeping friends close and enemies closer really does make sense. No matter how unpleasant it may be at times.


Helena

 

[A Desert Rose]

ADR, I think your Dom is yours just as much as you are His.

That is how things are with My boy. Of course, W/we are also a bit territorial.

I have been telling the people I love how much they mean to Me these last couple of days. A part of Me is surprised at how easy it is.

I learned that keeping friends close and enemies closer really does make sense. No matter how unpleasant it may be at times.


Helena

So, if He doesn't want to just be mine alone... then what? Should I move along? I am not one to deliver ulitimatums to people. If I make a decision, it is one I have to stick to and not back down from.

 

[lorddragonwolf]

the decision to leave has to be yours. is he willing just to be with you?

 

[Goddess Helena]

To Me, that is one of the things that must be discussed at the begining of a relationship. Part of limits and expections. You know your limits and what you need from a relationship. While not always easy, you are a woman and need to stand up for what you want and need.

Although, I have come to realize that I am not like most people. In D/s relationships or not.

* sigh *


Helena

 

[A Desert Rose]

the decision to leave has to be yours. is he willing just to be with you?

No sadly, he is not.

 

[A Desert Rose]

To Me, that is one of the things that must be discussed at the begining of a relationship. Part of limits and expections. You know your limits and what you need from a relationship. While not always easy, you are a woman and need to stand up for what you want and need.

Although, I have come to realize that I am not like most people. In D/s relationships or not.

* sigh *


Helena

At the beginning, I didn't know there was another woman. When I found out, I was able to ignore it. We had no contact with each other.

I can no longer ignore it. It makes me angry and nutty.

I think I know what I need to do. It will just not be an easy thing. I care about this man a great deal.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Hello rose

I refer now to the individual topic uppermost on your mind.
Sharing a Dominant.
If a potential partner of Mine cannot be content and feel secure, knowing that I will always have more than one submissive under My feet, then a relationship will not occur further than friendship.
It is a subject that MUST come up extremely early in the conversation as it is only fair not to waste the time and the emotions of a submissive. This is not a subject that should become a surprise for it tests the credibility of honesty.
My toy of over 3 years felt he could not be in a 24/7 relationship unless he was the only one. I accepted his feelings but not his submission. It would have been dishonest of Me to bend to his will when I am the type of Dominant that enjoys the multi relationship lifestyle.
he made the decision over many months that he could and would let go of jealousy and trust Me to fullfill his heart, his soul and submission lovingly and with sensitivity.
If this toy could not have let go of possessiveness and jealousy it is likely he would have still been looking to fullfill his dream today.
No he does not have the same luxury of having more than one Dominant but he is happy and knows how much he is loved.
Today I learned the depth of his patience as I slept through most of the day recovering from jet lag and each time I woke I awoke to his ~~smile~~ and words of love.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I guess I am lucky

I learned to let go of jealousy and possessiveness over 20 years ago.

I find that love has to be unconditional, meaning it has to have wings to fly.

Sometimes that means you have to let your loved one go. i have said goodbye to several loved ones in my life.

But I would not change a thing. One has to live to ones own code and not to society's expectations.

So, any man or sub who deals with me with have to learn not to be possessive or jealous.

 

[lark sparrow]

For what it's worth

I can very much empathize.

If it is truly not right for you, you will go and you will be better off for leaving even in as much as you care for him.

However, if you do belong to him, you just might stay. Perhaps with a consciously changed relationship, or perhaps time and circumstance will create unexpected change.

We all know the majority of romantic relationships are finite. Rarely, but occasionally, we find one in which we surrender further than ever before and in ways we thought we could not. The turn of events when this happens can be truly surprising.

I know this may seem cryptic, and certainly gives no easy answers, but sometimes these things come about in their own time, despite our desire for decisions and control.

This is one of the things I have learned recently in a possibly similar situation, at least on surface generalities.

 

[A Desert Rose]

This was not supposed to be a personal thread. But it sure did become one. And I thank you all for your words and understanding. Rarely do I post this kind of information about myself. But it has been weighing on my mind today.

If I understand you Shadows, and I want to keep this relationship then I need to accept that I am not the only one. Accept and let go of my possessiveness.

This is so not in my nature. And something I need to work out, one way or another.

Eb, I think you said almost the same thing as Shadows. (Wise dommes that you both are. ~smile~)

Lark is right, too. I know that I have not ever surrendered as much as I am capable of. And maybe that is why I am not the only one for Him. Something to think about, I guess.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I could be wrong about this but I think He kept her from me for a while because of the great distance between He and I and I think he never thought it would become a serious relationship between He and I. When He did tell me some about her, she appeared to me to be someone not really important to Him. He never flaunted her to me or compared me to her, which I am thankful for. But I knew about her.

It is now at a point where I know a lot about her and I would rather not. I would rather she not be part of this but her shadow is everywhere, for me at least.

He is not willing to give her up. I also don't think he is willing to let me go either. I am not sure where this will end up but I will think on all that you have posted here to me and thank you for your input. It's been a great help.

 

[cellis]

Rose, I can feel your pain and know the feelings all too well from past relationships.

When Himself and I made the decision to find a play partner, I had to work on those same feelings. Part of what I know is that I am most important to Himself and that He loves me very much... in fact, I had no idea of how much I meant to Him until we recently went through some very trying times.

Today, I know that whoever joins us, they are only a temporary fixture. I, on the other hand, am permanent.

I do not know your relationship with this man, but I do that I could never be a beta sub.... I need to be the alpha.

 

[hidden1]

Hi ~
Please excuse me for introducing myself abruptly like this - I normally just lurk - but I couldn't keep quiet for this one.

I am a completely non-possessive, non-jealous person. They don't come much less possessive and jealous than me. I've been called cold too many times than I want to remember - when that is actually far from the truth. (I have always just believed in the "if you love something, set it free" philosophy.) But ~

I also believe that if you want and/or have the need for a mutually exclusive relationship, then you have every right to have that. If the person you are with cannot fulfill your needs, well, then, hmmmmmm.

Once again, hope I wasn't rude for butting in like this. Just felt the need to put in my 2 cents for a change.

 

[Shadowsdream]

This was not supposed to be a personal thread. But it sure did become one. And I thank you all for your words and understanding. Rarely do I post this kind of information about myself. But it has been weighing on my mind today.

If I understand you Shadows, and I want to keep this relationship then I need to accept that I am not the only one. Accept and let go of my possessiveness.

This is so not in my nature. And something I need to work out, one way or another.

Eb, I think you said almost the same thing as Shadows. (Wise dommes that you both are. ~smile~)

Lark is right, too. I know that I have not ever surrendered as much as I am capable of. And maybe that is why I am not the only one for Him. Something to think about, I guess.

Actually what I am saying is that honesty up front from both parties saves heartache and misunderstandings down the road.

Be real with yourself and do not compromise who you are if it is really only going to be a temporary bandaid..especially if you and the Master really care this deeply for each other.

He is who He is..you are who you are...look deep within as you have been doing...you cannot change Him through guilt nor can *you* change you to compromise if the jealousy sits like a serpent beneath the surface.

No matter which decision you make I hope that you will eventually be able to get past jealousy and possessiveness for then you will truly be free.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Hi ~
Please excuse me for introducing myself abruptly like this - I normally just lurk - but I couldn't keep quiet for this one.

I am a completely non-possessive, non-jealous person. They don't come much less possessive and jealous than me. I've been called cold too many times than I want to remember - when that is actually far from the truth. (I have always just believed in the "if you love something, set it free" philosophy.) But ~

I also believe that if you want and/or have the need for a mutually exclusive relationship, then you have every right to have that. If the person you are with cannot fulfill your needs, well, then, hmmmmmm.

Once again, hope I wasn't rude for butting in like this. Just felt the need to put in my 2 cents for a change.

Thank you for your post. I wish I could be like you- non-possessive and not jealous. Those are traits I admire.

Please don't be a stranger to the forum. Your opinions are welcome here and it is nice meeting you, too.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Actually what I am saying is that honesty up front from both parties saves heartache and misunderstandings down the road.

Be real with yourself and do not compromise who you are if it is really only going to be a temporary bandaid..especially if you and the Master really care this deeply for each other.

He is who He is..you are who you are...look deep within as you have been doing...you cannot change Him through guilt nor can *you* change you to compromise if the jealousy sits like a serpent beneath the surface.

No matter which decision you make I hope that you will eventually be able to get past jealousy and possessiveness for then you will truly be free.

Boy, are you so right, Shadows. I do need to get past it and some days, in fact most days, I am able to push this aside. But it always creeps back to the surface - like you said "jealousy sits like a serpent beneath the surface." So very true.

I know I can't guilt him into changing, although I do try. ~smile~ It does not work. I think sometimes, that eventually he will make this decision for himself and know that it is best for him, because I know I am best for him. I know that he knows this, too. I realize how that must read, but it is true.

Thank you again for your wise words.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Rose, I can feel your pain and know the feelings all too well from past relationships.

When Himself and I made the decision to find a play partner, I had to work on those same feelings. Part of what I know is that I am most important to Himself and that He loves me very much... in fact, I had no idea of how much I meant to Him until we recently went through some very trying times.

Today, I know that whoever joins us, they are only a temporary fixture. I, on the other hand, am permanent.

I do not know your relationship with this man, but I do that I could never be a beta sub.... I need to be the alpha.

I need to be the alpha sub too!!! what a great description cellis.

I need to be reminded occassionally that I am that, too. And he is good about doing that. But she is still that pesky shadow between us.

You sure do know where I am coming from. Thank you for your input, doll.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Shadows? Your box is full, Ma'am. ~smile~

 

[Shadowsdream]

Shadows? Your box is full, Ma'am. ~smile~

I have emptied that pesky devil rose!
I have no idea how that happens so fast!