I was wondering I just submitted a story a few days ago and would like some feedback thanks Jmskitty. It's called champagne secrets. Hope you enjoy thanks bye
It's a nice playful story, and it seems that you were having fun writing it. A few points of suggestion:
1. You keep shifting tense. Some sentences are past tense: ("Tom heightened the atmosphere by having a few tricks up his sleeve,"). Some are present tense: ("She takes the ice cream from him. Melissa puts the blindfold on Tom.") This happens frequently throughout.
2. Some of the ideas seem out of order. In the third sentence of the first paragraph, Tom is blindfolded and bound. But two sentences later, he's squirting lotion on her (maybe he's using his feet or something, but the ideas don't seem to mesh).
3. You've omitted some details. By paragraph 5, Tom doing things to her, but when did he become unstrapped?
4. Phrases like "sweet moist wet softness" need editing. ('Moist' and 'wet' both convey the same idea).
5. While an omniscient narrator can speak from the perspective of any and all characters, I think it's 'safer' for new writers to stick to a more limited perspective that views the story from one character's viewpoint. In some sentences, you're reporting how Melissa feels; then quickly changing to Tom. As as a reader, I feel like I'm being bounced back and forth a bit too much, too quickly.
But, thanks for the contribution. I hope this is helpful.
yes thank you it does help. I have asked people to read my story but they have not really corrected it. So I couldn't get a good perspective if it was good or if it in the right format. thanks again jmskitty
