I'm new here (how cliched)

[hambone83]

G day,
I am a 22 year old fella from Australia- I just started writing for the adult genre and would love to oneday get published...I'd love any feedback on my first story 'Wanderlust', http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=241192 (erotic couplings).

I don't know if there are any major conventions to avoid or adhere to, but was curious as to your thoughts on my story.

Thanks for your time (and for making such a cool place exist)
Hambone

 

[kbate]

Many punctuation problems. Largely in hyphenated words and phrases.
Some misspelled words, again not bad, but they are there.
A few capitalisation errors and other grammar problems.
A lot of passive voice writing.

---

this line:
She felt herself shudder again as another orgasm took hold

why not "she shuddered as another orgasm....." We know she feels it, it's an orgasm after all.

---
She imagined his strong pecs, his smooth and toned ass, and his muscular arms, and his cock.

Too many "ands" -- 'She imagined his strong pec, his smoothe toned ass, his muscular arms, and his cock.'

---

Jackson quizzed sardonically, pointing at the blue sky lit up above them.'

He quizzed? Sardonically?

---

Overall, the story is a good first erotica. The initial setting was nice and I wish you had carried that through the story. The short chapters 3 and 4, cute but unnecessary, no real problem though. The ending was just flat and clichéd.

Well done, keep writing.

 

[CopyCarver]

G day,
I am a 22 year old fella from Australia- I just started writing for the adult genre and would love to oneday get published...I'd love any feedback on my first story 'Wanderlust', http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=241192 (erotic couplings).

I don't know if there are any major conventions to avoid or adhere to, but was curious as to your thoughts on my story.

Thanks for your time (and for making such a cool place exist)
Hambone

The minor punctuation and spelling glitches could be cured quickly but the passive voice would almost certainly doom your chances of being published commercially. Luckily, converting to action verbs is easy once you're aware of the weakness of passive voice.

 

[hambone83]

CopyCarver,
Firstly, thankyou for taking the time to read through my story!
Secondly- noted on the use of tense, I will remember that for next time.
Thirdly, your feedback on the use of punctuation is greatly appreciated. I am a bit slack with regard to that kind of thing and need to pay more attention to it.
Cheers for now,
Hamish