I'm new and could use some suggestions:)

[Subbymaybe]

First of all I was trying "not" to start a thread asking for help, but it looks like circumstances are not changing so here goes...

I have been married "off and on" to the same man for many years..(20), and we have had our ups and downs sexually (now in the downs).

I have always been very sexual but I can't seem to be all that I know I can be with him...So lately I have tried reading about new things, ie BDSM, D/s, kinks, menage', etc....I love erotica and I do write some. I am not that old and I def. have a dormant submissive side.
While for most of our married sex life we have had plain vanilla sex, I have tried and failed to get him, "hubby" to read into the different lifestyles I am very into. I have tried to talk to him about my likes and dislikes resulting in a couple of humilating tries (and painful) at domination. I think he is confusing domination with brutality. So I have almost given up my quest for making my (our) sex life prosper!!!

If anyone has advise I will gladly listen!!!

 

[eastern sun]

Have you tried finding out what he's into?

My husband and I still surprise each other after 20 years. A lot of fantasies lie dormant when you think they won't be acted on, or if they range into the taboo. Awakening his fantasies may lead into uncharted territory.

You might also find out that what he really wants is a foot rub, or something at the opposite end of what you're hoping for. Since you're interested in submission, experiment with submitting to him as he is without expectations that he'll turn into your fantasy. Focus on who he is rather than who he is not.

And let him have power.

 

[bakedbeams]

Eastern Sun, thats an excellent point about submitting in the basic things like a foot rub... I cant quiet explain it, but its a mental and emotional place for me, and thats where I get the satisfaction from.

Now OP ... a little game I play with the SO is 'surprise me'. He is coming over (or in your case hubby is coming home from work) and I sometimes ask what does he want to meet him at the door. Sometimes he'll say 'surprise me', other times he will put a preference in eg. I want to see your high boots, or nakedness .. whatever his mood is. For me supplying and meeting his needs the minute he comes to my door, helps in fulfilling my submissive side.

I will do/accessorise whatever it takes to fulfill his mood. It could mean cooking his favourite dinner, kneeling inside the door naked, or it could involve getting the corsets, collars, and rope out, because he's given me a challenge. This weeks challenge is getting him to cum, without touching him.

It helps meet the needs that I have and keeps our relationship fresh, as well as focus on each other and how to please each other. JMO

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I think he's assuming that by submission you mean masochism. If that's something you want to experiment with, you don't have to buy him a 3ft flogger. You could ask him to spank you during sex and encourage rougher lovemaking. Let him see what you can handle and build on it gradually.

I know it's not all that submissive to yell 'spank me!' but once he sees you like it he may get more confident with it and push things a little further of his own accord.

Unless you're specific, he won't know what you're after and so he'll be afraid to try things out in case he hurts you or damages your trust. Leading him by the hand to start with will give him confidence about what you want and what you're consenting to.

eastern sun's suggestion about being more service oriented is also a good one. If you'd like him to be more authoritative about decision making outside the bedroom, it's easy to become more passive and pliant if you put yourself in that mindset. Once the ball is rolling though, you'll need to think carefully about how much power you want to cede in the longer term.

Exploring his fantasies is always a very good idea. There's nothing like a sated and grateful man to open up sexual discussion.

 

[Subbymaybe]

Have you tried finding out what he's into?

My husband and I still surprise each other after 20 years. A lot of fantasies lie dormant when you think they won't be acted on, or if they range into the taboo. Awakening his fantasies may lead into uncharted territory.

You might also find out that what he really wants is a foot rub, or something at the opposite end of what you're hoping for. Since you're interested in submission, experiment with submitting to him as he is without expectations that he'll turn into your fantasy. Focus on who he is rather than who he is not.

And let him have power.

Thx Eastern Sun that gives me a lot to consider!

 

[Subbymaybe]

Eastern Sun, thats an excellent point about submitting in the basic things like a foot rub... I cant quiet explain it, but its a mental and emotional place for me, and thats where I get the satisfaction from.

Now OP ... a little game I play with the SO is 'surprise me'. He is coming over (or in your case hubby is coming home from work) and I sometimes ask what does he want to meet him at the door. Sometimes he'll say 'surprise me', other times he will put a preference in eg. I want to see your high boots, or nakedness .. whatever his mood is. For me supplying and meeting his needs the minute he comes to my door, helps in fulfilling my submissive side.

I will do/accessorise whatever it takes to fulfill his mood. It could mean cooking his favourite dinner, kneeling inside the door naked, or it could involve getting the corsets, collars, and rope out, because he's given me a challenge. This weeks challenge is getting him to cum, without touching him.

It helps meet the needs that I have and keeps our relationship fresh, as well as focus on each other and how to please each other. JMO

Thx bakedbeams for the info.....I wish I could do that but he won't play the fantasy game...He thinks if you have fantasies then you are wanting to cheat!!! I could meet him at the door and welcome him home, but if I asked him what he wanted to meet him he would say just you....I don't mean to sound negative but i know him!!

I guess I have been thinking of myself and my needs instead of his...not too submissive huh?! lol

 

[Subbymaybe]

I think he's assuming that by submission you mean masochism. If that's something you want to experiment with, you don't have to buy him a 3ft flogger. You could ask him to spank you during sex and encourage rougher lovemaking. Let him see what you can handle and build on it gradually.

I know it's not all that submissive to yell 'spank me!' but once he sees you like it he may get more confident with it and push things a little further of his own accord.

Unless you're specific, he won't know what you're after and so he'll be afraid to try things out in case he hurts you or damages your trust. Leading him by the hand to start with will give him confidence about what you want and what you're consenting to.

eastern sun's suggestion about being more service oriented is also a good one. If you'd like him to be more authoritative about decision making outside the bedroom, it's easy to become more passive and pliant if you put yourself in that mindset. Once the ball is rolling though, you'll need to think carefully about how much power you want to cede in the longer term.

Exploring his fantasies is always a very good idea. There's nothing like a sated and grateful man to open up sexual discussion.

Velvet,
I have actually told him I think I like to be spanked and I have given him articles to read and highlighted the parts I am into so I wouldn't be having to "tell" him. I have bought some toys among them are basic restraints to be tied around the headboard posts.....I have had them for many months now....never been used...He is not interested in it. He has gone through all the toys and he does think the vibs and dildo's are sexy, but he ends up telling me to do it myself..and he will not talk to me in the bedroom......complete silence there.
Those times I think he was trying to be Dominate he never said a word just pushed me down and tried but I wasn't ready......So I feel like giving up for good!

I did try to do it him what I wanted once. I thought if I do it to him then he might do it back to me...I told him to hold on to the headborad and not move while I gave him the blowjob of his life. I told him not to cum until I told him he could...and it worked he didn't until I said to do it.....it lasted well over an hour and that NEVER happens. I don't want to be Dome though!!! even though I am good at it LOL

 

[Adakgirl]

Those times I think he was trying to be Dominate he never said a word just pushed me down and tried but I wasn't ready......So I feel like giving up for good!

Why the hell weren't you ready? If you want to be dominated you have to be willing and ready to submit at all times...not just when you are ready too. He doesn't have to say a word, it's not required..you should have let him, should have givin it up and allowed him to feel the rush of his dominate power over you. If you don't submit when he's ready to dominate...how can he even know he likes it?

Giving him articles and highlighting things...leaving hints and toys around for him to discover is not going to get it. That is not what submitting is all about. That is trying to manipulate him into your way of thinking. It won't work. Thats challenging him about his manhood, like pushing him into a corner where he will only resist your efforts and fight you. Try meeting him at the door..naked, kneeling before him, a dog collar around your neck with a leash attached...his dinner ready and waiting on the table.

Try what eastern sun said too. But you can't hint or try to manipulate him into being something he's not. Just because you want him too You have to create the environment then let him get a hold of that powerful feeling himself if he has it in him. Dominance is not for everyone.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Velvet,
I have actually told him I think I like to be spanked and I have given him articles to read and highlighted the parts I am into so I wouldn't be having to "tell" him. I have bought some toys among them are basic restraints to be tied around the headboard posts.....I have had them for many months now....never been used...He is not interested in it. He has gone through all the toys and he does think the vibs and dildo's are sexy, but he ends up telling me to do it myself..and he will not talk to me in the bedroom......complete silence there.
Those times I think he was trying to be Dominate he never said a word just pushed me down and tried but I wasn't ready......So I feel like giving up for good!

Sorry to be negative but it sounds like you've given him enough info and encouragement and he's just not into it. He has every right not to be into it. It sounds like his silent attempt to dominate you was a reluctant and embarrassing thing for him to do. As it didn't work, it will have put him even further off the idea.

If he enjoys being dominated himself however, you have a little leverage for 'you scratch my back.' You are banging your head against a brick wall if he won't even discuss this though. It's a shame if you ask me. If you're mature enough to fuck you should be more than mature enough to discuss fucking.

He's also likely had a blow to his confidence because he probably doesn't feel able to satisfy you now, which can really knock a guy's sexdrive for six. Make it clear that you love him for who he is and still really enjoy more 'normal' lovemaking or he'll get disheartened and resentful, which is the last thing you need.

 

[Primalex]

Why the hell weren't you ready? If you want to be dominated you have to be willing and ready to submit at all times...not just when you are ready too. [...]

Try meeting him at the door..naked, kneeling before him, a dog collar around your neck with a leash attached...his dinner ready and waiting on the table.

Amen.

 

[wakinglife]

First post. Be gentle.

If someone broached this subject with me a few years ago, I'd have thought them deviant at least, and possibly disturbed. My impression of BDSM was from the type of material that has little to do with the subject. For years I've fantasized about various BDSM themes, but would not broach the subject with my wife. She has even told me that she doesn't have fantasies.

Recently, I became more serious about the matter and came across material that actually addressed the subject. This took the focus away from kink and overt sexual acts, and into an area of trust, emotions, and an open exchange of needs and desires.

I've not raised the topic directly with my wife, but have patiently begun to apply subtle aspects of what I have been reading. I would like to assure you that this slow, methodical approach has been extremely effective. The way we share our love emotionally and sexually has been positively impacted in a way I never expected. Putting my mind in control, well ahead of making love has greatly aided my ability to pleasure her. I'm taking it slow, but every suggestion I have made has been met with an immediate response. Very nice.

My suggestion to you is to change tactics. You have planted the seed and he is aware. Now take it back to a simmer, begin applying some of the more basic techniques, and show him this might take things down a very enjoyable path. This gives him time to process, and overcome any hangups he probably has.

As I've recently learned, the effort pays in huge dividends. And we are only beginning.

 

[Adakgirl]

patiently begun to apply subtle aspects of what I have been reading

Could you expand on this a it and tell me what kinds of aspects you are applying?

into an area of trust, emotions, and an open exchange of needs and desires.

You mean to say your sexual and emotional relationship with your wife never included these things before?

Putting my mind in control, well ahead of making love has greatly aided my ability to pleasure her.

This is the basis of all good lovemaking/sex, whether it be D/s sex or vanilla sex and whether it be in a committed sexual relationship or a casual one. If you have not in the past...attempted to understand and embrace your woman's sexuality in your mind first, how can you possibly expect her body to react sexually positively towards anything you do or suggest you want to do with her when you make love?

In other words

You can fuck a woman's body until the cows come home but if you haven't fucked her mind first the sex will feel empty and be a hollow, shallow experience for her. She will not be into it and she in all probability, won't be able to enjoy it. No wonder your wife doesn't have fantasies. Again I think this has noting to do with BDM or D/s relationship theory or your wife's lack of interest in sex or BDSM . It has all to do with your own previous lack of understanding of what sexual love and emotion are all about.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

... I have been married "off and on" to the same man for many years..(20), and we have had our ups and downs sexually (now in the downs).

I have always been very sexual but I can't seem to be all that I know I can be with him...So lately I have tried reading about new things, ie BDSM, D/s, kinks, menage', etc....I love erotica and I do write some. I am not that old and I def. have a dormant submissive side.

I won't try to pass any judgment here on how well you are separating erotica/fantasy from the reality of what can and can't be done in a existing relationship, whether you are trying to go from 0 - kinky in 1.4 nanolessons or taking a long term approach. I can say that if you are 20 years into a relationship and it's in a long term "down" period, BOTH of you need to do a long hard look at your communication styles, interest and commitment to one another, etc. This is NOT all on him, hon.

Breaking habits, patterns of thinking and behaving, takes WORK, lots of it, and lots and lots of re-inforcement and encouragement. You and he both have 20 years of habits to unlearn. If you are interested in bringing him into this, be patient. DEMONSTRATE your submission in non-sexual ways. Budgetting, household chores, parenting duties.. follow his lead, let him make the decisions, stop arguing for what YOU want, give him what he wants...

In other words, start submitting.

While for most of our married sex life we have had plain vanilla sex, I have tried and failed to get him, "hubby" to read into the different lifestyles I am very into. I have tried to talk to him about my likes and dislikes resulting in a couple of humilating tries (and painful) at domination. I think he is confusing domination with brutality. So I have almost given up my quest for making my (our) sex life prosper!!!

If anyone has advise I will gladly listen!!!

He may not have ANY interest in kink. For any number of reasons. He may not have a revved up sex drive. Again, for any number of reasons, including medical reasons like low testosterone production. He may simple not care because he's bored. Or stuck in a mental/emotional rut.

Here, the ONLY tool that will work is opening up the communication. TALK with him, and LISTEN to what he has to say. Many, many people are very uncomfortable talking about sex. Many religions and American society in particular, has conditioned most of it's subjects to believe sex is "dirty", fantasies are "sick", anything beyond missionary position sex for the purpose of procreation is "sinful", "immoral", "perverted" and/or "evil". His parents may have made sex (or the enjoyment of sex) a shameful thing to him. Getting someone to overcome that kind of conditioning is a slow process.

Make it okay for him to share HIS fantasies. You've told him yours, have you asked him what his are? Have you made it emotionally safe for him to talk about sex and HIS desires? Have you told him, repeatedly, you want to know what HE wants to do, so you can do it for him? Have you called yourself "his slut"? "his dirty little whore"? "his fuck-toy"? to see how he reacts?

What ARE his fantasies and desires? Does he look at Playboy? Hustler? Watch porn? Download it off the internet? If not, bring him a magazine or two... How does he react? Bring home "Secretary" or a porn movie and WATCH IT. With him! How does he react? What does it do for you? Does he get turned on? Does he respond with revulsion? How about you?

There is so much that needs to be done here. Are you up for the work involved?

Yours In Leather,
- Geoff

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Of course, there is always the possibility that HE is a submissive male, and will never, ever be comfortable in the Dominant role. In which case, hon, you are SOL.

Unless he's open to poly, or gets off on being cuckolded. In which case, rock on and get yourself a stud-Dom!

 

[satindesire]

Just to peek in and say, listen to Geoff, he knows his stuff.

 

[wakinglife]

You mean to say your sexual and emotional relationship with your wife never included these things before?.

No. I meant that coming to understand BDSM from a perspective other than depicted on many porn sites has changed the way I view the subject. So Subbymaybe's husband may potentially consider the matter if he's given the chance to see it in other than a preconceived notion.

This is the basis of all good lovemaking/sex

One hopes. Its more like comparing having a healthy meal, prepared quickly with minimal effort, to a dinner party with intimate details planned and executed, satisfying a wide array of interests and tastes.

No wonder your wife doesn't have fantasies.

I doubt this is true of her, or Subbymaybe's husband. I know I've not been willing to share some of my own fantasies. So I mention this to suggest the topic be broached again at a later time, and perhaps with a different approach. It's the way I plan on dealing with it at least.

wife's lack of interest in sex or BDSM

I'm blessed in that she has a healthy sexual appetite, and is a giving lover. So we are not as directly related to this situation as Subbymaybe. Until recently, we both shared a negative view of BDSM. I don't have a suggestion now as to how to re-introduce the idea, but I may be able to come back to this after a while.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

.... Until recently, we both shared a negative view of BDSM. I don't have a suggestion now as to how to re-introduce the idea, but I may be able to come back to this after a while.

Try having her read When Someone You Love Is Kinky by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt
Or The New Bottoming Book by Easton and Janet Hardy (both available through Greenery Press at http://www.greenerypress.com)
Or Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Miller and Devon at Mystic Rose Books (http://www.mysticrose.com/books.htm)

They are all easy to read, accessible, fun books that get to the heart of what BDSM is about - being yourself and having fun with your partner in an unconventional (to mainstream society) way.

Hope that helps!

 

[Subbymaybe]

I won't try to pass any judgment here on how well you are separating erotica/fantasy from the reality of what can and can't be done in a existing relationship, whether you are trying to go from 0 - kinky in 1.4 nanolessons or taking a long term approach. I can say that if you are 20 years into a relationship and it's in a long term "down" period, BOTH of you need to do a long hard look at your communication styles, interest and commitment to one another, etc. This is NOT all on him, hon.

To be quite honest, I was trying to save our dying lovelife and marriage. You are right that our relationship is in a "down time". Again to be honest there isn't and or there ever been much communication in our relationship. For everyone with advise, thanks so much but some of the things I have read are hard to swallow. I have had to be the more dominate person in our marriage/relationship/parenting for the most part due to his lack of interest(i guess). I starting reading about D/s relationships and really was interseted. It sounds so good to be able to give up control for awhile, I am not sure that I could be sooooo submissive outside of sex play/bedroom...EG, I know it's not all on him and I thought I was doing something to liven things up for us.

Breaking habits, patterns of thinking and behaving, takes WORK, lots of it, and lots and lots of re-inforcement and encouragement. You and he both have 20 years of habits to unlearn. If you are interested in bringing him into this, be patient. DEMONSTRATE your submission in non-sexual ways. Budgetting, household chores, parenting duties.. follow his lead, let him make the decisions, stop arguing for what YOU want, give him what he wants...

I do budget, do all the HH chores, take care of the kids, shop, pay bills, etc....I don't usually do much without telling him before I do it.

In other words, start submitting.

He may not have ANY interest in kink. For any number of reasons. He may not have a revved up sex drive. Again, for any number of reasons, including medical reasons like low testosterone production. He may simple not care because he's bored. Or stuck in a mental/emotional rut.

Here, the ONLY tool that will work is opening up the communication. TALK with him, and LISTEN to what he has to say. Many, many people are very uncomfortable talking about sex. Many religions and American society in particular, has conditioned most of it's subjects to believe sex is "dirty", fantasies are "sick", anything beyond missionary position sex for the purpose of procreation is "sinful", "immoral", "perverted" and/or "evil". His parents may have made sex (or the enjoyment of sex) a shameful thing to him. Getting someone to overcome that kind of conditioning is a slow process.

Make it okay for him to share HIS fantasies. You've told him yours, have you asked him what his are? Have you made it emotionally safe for him to talk about sex and HIS desires? Have you told him, repeatedly, you want to know what HE wants to do, so you can do it for him? Have you called yourself "his slut"? "his dirty little whore"? "his fuck-toy"? to see how he reacts?

What ARE his fantasies and desires? Does he look at Playboy? Hustler? Watch porn? Download it off the internet? If not, bring him a magazine or two... How does he react? Bring home "Secretary" or a porn movie and WATCH IT. With him! How does he react? What does it do for you? Does he get turned on? Does he respond with revulsion? How about you?

There is so much that needs to be done here. Are you up for the work involved?

Yours In Leather,
- Geoff

~~He is very uncomfortable talking "during"sex..He doesn't like dirty talk and he is so gentle and soft that it is almost femine. I know most women would like that. I have asked him on many occasions what his fantasies are and he either says he doesn't have any or they r of us having sex. He does have low T. and is receiving treatment for it. When he was younger he was into a lot of porn and back then it made me feel like I wasn't what he wanted. We don't have any adult video's or magazines now. It's almost like a chore to even have normal sex...with kids, work, $$$$ etc.....I just wanted to create something new and exciting and maybe give us both something to look forward to at the end of the day......