I'm just a girl that can't say no

[mernie99]

Well, OK, I can say "no." But I don't do it well.

Related to the thread "the dating game-bdsm style" ... I am starting to get out there myself. I just had a meeting with a potential partner that I found through CollarMe tonight, and within minutes I pretty much figured out that this wasn't going to work. I fairly bubbly; he was very droll. We have totally different interests. His replies seemed shallow. He didn't get my sense of humor. Etc.

Yet I could tell by the questions he was asking and by the way he was looking at me that he was interested in me.

So ... as we were wrapping things up (an hour later or so) he asked, "What do you think?"

My response was, "I dunno. I'm just not feeling it." He then started berating me, thinking of reasons why it wouldn't work for him. (He tried to tell me that I didn't know what the hell I wanted, that wasn't meant for the lifestyle ...) I just nodded in agreement, glad that he could justify it.

How could I have handled that better?

Also, these first meetings ... would you expect them to get into a lot of sexual detail? At one point he asked what kind of underwear I wore, and then said, "Would you go into the bathroom and take them off for me?" Well, I took that as a "would you do it now?" question, and came back with a "no." He claimed that it was just a theoretical question. But ... in first meetings ... would you expect to jump right into "What things have you tried? What do you like? How do you feel about humiliation?"

My expectations is that there would be some light conversation first, and perhaps if things started to click there could be more of those exploratory questions. But we had about 10-15 minutes of the light conversation, and then right into the BDSM discussion.

Where's the BDSM dating etiquette book?! HELP!

 

[HottieMama]

Also, these first meetings ... would you expect them to get into a lot of sexual detail? At one point he asked what kind of underwear I wore, and then said, "Would you go into the bathroom and take them off for me?" Well, I took that as a "would you do it now?" question, and came back with a "no." He claimed that it was just a theoretical question. But ... in first meetings ... would you expect to jump right into "What things have you tried? What do you like? How do you feel about humiliation?"

My expectations is that there would be some light conversation first, and perhaps if things started to click there could be more of those exploratory questions. But we had about 10-15 minutes of the light conversation, and then right into the BDSM discussion.

i wouldn't expect any of those questions/innuendos in a first meeting/conversation. To ME, it seems a bit presumptuous and pushy. Those "theoretical questions" can wait until there is an established interest by both parties.

 

[Betticus]

For a first meeting, that's just weird. At least you know what he's really interested in. Just the sex.

 

[mernie99]

i wouldn't expect any of those questions/innuendos in a first meeting/conversation. To ME, it seems a bit presumptuous and pushy. Those "theoretical questions" can wait until there is an established interest by both parties.

Whew! I kind of thought that the game was played that way, but I didn't know.

Now ... how do I say "no thanks"?

 

[mernie99]

For a first meeting, that's just weird. At least you know what he's really interested in. Just the sex.

I think he was looking for someone to cook for him, too. He complained about frozen food and the expense of eating out a lot.

Scratching my head here to see how I could improve things in the future. Perhaps it would be OK to say, "I thought this was just going to be a friendly conversation to get to know each other ..."

 

[Snoozebutton2]

Whew! I kind of thought that the game was played that way, but I didn't know.

Now ... how do I say "no thanks"?

Thats easy just say you are a sweet guy and think would be better as just friends. If that don't work you fed em to good and like pets once feed us we stay around. lol

 

[be_ignited]

Whew! I kind of thought that the game was played that way, but I didn't know.

Now ... how do I say "no thanks"?

I don't claim to be particularly experienced, but it sounds to me like you said it just fine. I'm for honesty. If you're not interested for whatever reason, you should be able to say so. It isn't as if you went through a laundry list of what you found unappealing about him.

 

[HottieMama]

I think he was looking for someone to cook for him, too. He complained about frozen food and the expense of eating out a lot.

Scratching my head here to see how I could improve things in the future. Perhaps it would be OK to say, "I thought this was just going to be a friendly conversation to get to know each other ..."

IMO, more than ok to say that. i see no problem with making it clear that you only wish to have a non-sexual conversation and politely sterring the conversation that way. It is just a "meet." This person does not own you (yet). The good ones will wait and again, IMO the "good ones" won't even have those topics on a first meet. (Then again, i'm not winning any "subbier than thou pageants" with my attitude. Ask me if i care.)

 

[unpredictablebijou]

I dunno, I don't see anything wrong with how you handled it. He routinely overstepped boundaries for a first conversation. You were polite and said, "no thank you." I don't care what world you're in, that should be a standard acceptable answer with a very standard response, which is polite acceptance and withdrawal. His response to that makes him sound to me like he might be, oh I don't know, an asshole. If I say no thank you to a dom and he decides to humiliate me in response, either he's an asshole or he doesn't understand that a scene is NOT currently in progress. Either way he's nobody worth playing with.

just my point of view.

bijou

 

[Lady_In_Black]

I think a big thing to remember is that if you are looking for an actual relationship, with this kinky stuff added to it, look for a person that you can actually have a relationship with. If you don't click with a guy or girl, that is perfectly fine. It seems you handed it within decent standards, but you have to remember, there is a sizable percentage of the BDSM population that are looking for mindless obedience/submission or a form of it.

If you are just looking for a partner, or some one for casual fun; maybe a one time thing, you still are looking for some one that is compatible. Before you meet in person, ask them what it is they want, as far as commitment. If it doesn't match up with what you want, just tell them you were looking for something different, so it wouldn't work, but maybe you could still be friends? You can never collect enough friends that have this particular...interest.

Just be polite and patient, which you seemed to do just fine, and don't blame yourself if they turn out to be jerks

 

[mernie99]

Thats easy just say you are a sweet guy and think would be better as just friends. If that don't work you fed em to good and like pets once feed us we stay around. lol

OK, must memorize that line ... "You're a sweet guy and I think it would be better just as friends ... You're a sweet guy ..."

 

[mernie99]

His response to that makes him sound to me like he might be, oh I don't know, an asshole. If I say no thank you to a dom and he decides to humiliate me in response, either he's an asshole or he doesn't understand that a scene is NOT currently in progress. Either way he's nobody worth playing with.

Very good points. Yes, scene was not in progress. And I'm not into 24x7 starting NOW.

I'm feeling much better.

Of course, said asshole will likely post something here talking about the horrible meeting he just had.

 

[mernie99]

It seems you handed it within decent standards, but you have to remember, there is a sizable percentage of the BDSM population that are looking for mindless obedience/submission or a form of it.

And that is supposed to start at the meeting/interview?

I remember chatting with this one a-hole before, and he told me he liked his subs subbier (than me.)

Don't get me wrong ... I can be a good little sub, but only when trust and respect are established.

If you are just looking for a partner, or some one for casual fun; maybe a one time thing, you still are looking for some one that is compatible. Before you meet in person, ask them what it is they want, as far as commitment.

Well, I'm not sure what I want. I guess I want a play partner with the potential for LTR. But I haven't had the experience, so I just have to get out there. And hopefully with some guys I can respect.

Thanks for the feedback, L-I-B.

 

[trysail]

"No" means exactly, precisely that. If someone doesn't understand that at the initial stage, you're far better off walking right away. You did the right thing and you shouldn't spend a minute fretting about it.

 

[WriterDom]

It seems like you could have weeded him out over the phone. Could at least sense the droll, the shallow, the different interests and the sense of humor.

 

[the captians wench]

Okay, unless you made it clear before you met that you would be playing tonight, then he crossed way over the line.

If he takes the conversation to sex quicker than what I would like, my first move is to change the subject...usually with a pretty smooth transaction, I'm just good like that. If it steers that way again, with out my consent, I make it a bit more obvious that I am intentionally changing the subject. If it veers again, the date is pretty much over as far as I'm conserned and I am upfront with the fact that I am not pleased in the way that things are going and I think it's best we just call it a night. (that's right I said I'm not pleased. as far as I'm concerned this is just like any other date and he's there to win me over, once he has, then he'll get a service oriented pet, until then, I'm just another chick).

Personally I think you ended the evening with a fair sentence. He was obviously looking to "rock your world" tonight and was just disapointed that he wasn't taping your ass. Might have hurt his ego just a tad as well.

I kind of like this net 'screning' for that very reason. I can figure out if we have enough in common to make an evening interesting before wasting the gas going out for a fucktard who just wants laid. *shrug*

 

[unpredictablebijou]

(that's right I said I'm not pleased. as far as I'm concerned this is just like any other date and he's there to win me over, once he has, then he'll get a service oriented pet, until then, I'm just another chick).

Very well said!

bijou

 

[mernie99]

Okay, unless you made it clear before you met that you would be playing tonight, then he crossed way over the line.

If he takes the conversation to sex quicker than what I would like, my first move is to change the subject...usually with a pretty smooth transaction, I'm just good like that. If it steers that way again, with out my consent, I make it a bit more obvious that I am intentionally changing the subject. If it veers again, the date is pretty much over as far as I'm conserned and I am upfront with the fact that I am not pleased in the way that things are going and I think it's best we just call it a night. (that's right I said I'm not pleased. as far as I'm concerned this is just like any other date and he's there to win me over, once he has, then he'll get a service oriented pet, until then, I'm just another chick).

Personally I think you ended the evening with a fair sentence. He was obviously looking to "rock your world" tonight and was just disapointed that he wasn't taping your ass. Might have hurt his ego just a tad as well.

Thanks. I'm learning. For the record, there was no expectation that this would be anything but talk tonight. I did try to steer the conversation back to "friendly" several times. I truly didn't know what was expected, and feel confident that I could handle things better in the future.

I kind of like this net 'screning' for that very reason. I can figure out if we have enough in common to make an evening interesting before wasting the gas going out for a fucktard who just wants laid. *shrug*

You've got a point. Sometimes I just go with my instincts and think "What do I have to lose but an hour?"

 

[the captians wench]

Thanks. I'm learning. For the record, there was no expectation that this would be anything but talk tonight. I did try to steer the conversation back to "friendly" several times. I truly didn't know what was expected, and feel confident that I could handle things better in the future.



You've got a point. Sometimes I just go with my instincts and think "What do I have to lose but an hour?"

To be fair, like I (think I) mentioned in the other thread, I wasn't really looking, just started chatting and then decided that I like what's on the menu and want to see how it looks on my plate. And he's hitting all the right buttons. (he didn't venture into the kink talk until I brought it up, and when I move on to a different subject, he moves with me and won't go back unless I do....MAJOR brownie points)

 

[kimbernee]

You've discovered one of the reasons that people who seem interested at the end of a first date never call again, which is that a lot of people act like jerks when told "no thanks." If it gets too much for you, you'll have to be less honest. I know it's not nice but it's a defensive move that you may need to learn. Good luck out there. Be careful.

 

[DeservingBitch]

Regarding the sexual questions, my take on it is that it depends on what you are looking for and whether you made that clear or not.

For instance, if I'm meeting with a potential play-partner, I will ask and expect very detailed questions regarding BDSM/sex experience, limits, interests, etc. Asking those questions and negociating a potential future scene is one of the main reason why I'm meeting them in the first place.

In most other circumstances, I would be as tolerant of inquiries about the details of my sex life from a potential D/s partner I meet for the first time as I would be of any other potential 'vanilla' person I would be meeting for the first time: ie, not very tolerant.

 

[Primalex]

Regarding the sexual questions, my take on it is that it depends on what you are looking for and whether you made that clear or not.

For instance, if I'm meeting with a potential play-partner, I will ask and expect very detailed questions regarding BDSM/sex experience, limits, interests, etc. Asking those questions and negociating a potential future scene is one of the main reason why I'm meeting them in the first place.

In most other circumstances, I would be as tolerant of inquiries about the details of my sex life from a potential D/s partner I meet for the first time as I would be of any other potential 'vanilla' person I would be meeting for the first time: ie, not very tolerant.

Signed.

I might add that I do also differ whether I'm approached or if I approach someone. If you approach me, I will deliberately cross the boundary you have, to see how you will react. If you can't handle this well that things might not go the way you expected them, then I see quite some problems in the long run.

 

[Primalex]

Related to the thread "the dating game-bdsm style" ... I am starting to get out there myself. I just had a meeting with a potential partner that I found through CollarMe tonight, and within minutes I pretty much figured out that this wasn't going to work.

I also think, the more explicit a site is a dating site, the more people you find there who are just there to reap girls.

 

[madetotakeit]

Before I would even think of meeting someone in person, I prefer to have frank conversations online. Not the first questions mind you, but within about three IM's I expect to cover the interests, etc. Someone can be fascinating, funny, all of those things I am am looking for; but, if we have different interests it's just not going to work out. I want to know we are wanting the same things before we meet face to face. I personally would rather get all of those details out of the way online. Maybe it's because I am so new to accepting this aspect of myself, but it seems it would be difficult to speak so freely face to face about my personal kinks and limits.

I found by doing that I eliminated many on interests, the others on connection or the fact that they were obviously looking for a kinky booty call. The person I met face to face and I did that. Not all conversations were about kinks, it came up and went. But the issues were already covered. When the meeting happened, I was already comfortable with him. I openly discussed what were to me my darkest secrets and he didn't bat an eye. He accepted, we discussed and it was very liberating. As a result, I had a phenomenal time and my world ended up being turned around 180-in a good way.

 

[myinnerslut]

i think you handled it very well. you said you wernt interested and even went as far as to let him justify himself and save a little face. he overstepped, you reacted accordingly. well done