I'm in love... buts hes vanilla

[eyreSN]

From the time I first started discovering me sexuality as a teenager I felt a draw to the "darker side of things". It wasnt untill I was 19 that I discovered the world of BDSM and my first sexual experience was with a Dom. I have now met someone and have fallen in love.

I feel he might be open to the BDSM conversation, but I have no idea how to approach it and I dont want to risk losing him. Nor do I want him to engage in play just to please me and him not enjoy it.

However, I pretty sure that I cant supress these desires forever, especially if this relationship leads to marriage, which is probable. Sigh.... I would love you hear your words of wisdom! Thanks!

 

[satindesire]

From the time I first started discovering me sexuality as a teenager I felt a draw to the "darker side of things". It wasnt untill I was 19 that I discovered the world of BDSM and my first sexual experience was with a Dom. I have now met someone and have fallen in love.

I feel he might be open to the BDSM conversation, but I have no idea how to approach it and I dont want to risk losing him. Nor do I want him to engage in play just to please me and him not enjoy it.

However, I pretty sure that I cant supress these desires forever, especially if this relationship leads to marriage, which is probable. Sigh.... I would love you hear your words of wisdom! Thanks!

This is actually the very same situation I was in just a few years ago, before my husband and I started dating seriously (and obviously before we got married).

My first serious relationship was with a Dom, and he not only introduced me to many aspects of a BDSM relationship but the lifestyle and activities within. When we broke up, I felt a strong "void" in my life and knew that I needed to be with a person who complimented me.

Hubs and I had been friends for quite some time and when we started dating, I was terrified to talk to him about my desires as a Submissive.

He was already a very naturally assertive person with a very Alpha-male personality, and that helped soothe my fears a lot. Someone who is born with a Dominant personality might sometimes understand the Dom aspect of a BDSM relationship a little more easily just because they already feel a pull towards being the "Top" in their relationships.

It took almost a year of gradually introducing little things and hinting at various activities involved in BDSM before I came out and talked to him. By slowly testing the waters, I was able to gently ease myself into a comfortable place before coming out and being "straight" with him about BDSM.

If he's not kinky at all, you run the risk of shocking the hell out of him if you just come right out, right away, and ask him to be your Dom. If you want to test the waters, stick your toe in and start talking to him about kinky things like restraints during sex, blindfolds, or anything else that you consider "kinky" that you enjoy.

If he reacts positively to most of these things, continue pushing yourself to be more and more open with him.

Gradually, you will feel comfortable talking to him straight about you being a submissive. And, it probably WON'T come as a shock to him because you've already exposed him to a lot of the kinky stuff you like.

Take your time. Move slowly and carefully, think about what you're going to talk about, and give him A LOT of positive feedback. I cannot stress this enough. When people get praised for doing good, they're so much more likely to continue doing that good thing. It'll create a positive feedback loop, and that's just my fascination with psychology talking but...who doesn't love those?

 

[alyssawesome29]

Also, relationships are based on having good, open lines of communication. Don't allow yourself to settle and be unhappy in the relationship, always wondering what it would have been like if you'd revealed your kinky side. You love him and if he loves you, he'll at least understand where you're coming from and should at least be willing to compromise somewhat to get both of your needs met in the bedroom ... You may have to coach him along to show him what you like, though

 

[audiodiva]

No guarantees

Some good points have already been made. Just wanted to point out that meeting someone who is in BDSM community is no guarantee either.

I met my DH 10 years ago at a play party. He still won't admit which one was the first one he saw me at, but I recall him leaving "owl eyes" on my ass well before we dated. However, once we started getting serious it was clear that he really was only interested in the social aspects and wasn't at all comfortable playing in public with me. It wasn't long before all BDSM play stopped, mainly because we had different styles that don't necessarily mesh.

Individually we were both Rocky Road, but together we are plain vanilla.

Can't say I don't miss it sometimes, but my life with him is worth the trade off - married 9 years and counting

Things evolve and change so don't count him out yet. Introduce him slowly and see where it goes.

 

[shy slave]

If he is not kinky them nothing can make him that way.

Without asking him you will never know.

You can't make someone something they are not.

You have big decisions ahead. If BDSM is bigger than how you feel about him, it would be unwise to lead him, and yourself, further down the relationship route.

Without talking to him you will never know.

Some people have relationships and have BDSM outside of that, it works for some people.

Talk, talk, talk.

 

[skittybelle]

i just want to expand a little on what satindesire said... i too am in this situation, and here's nearly exactly how i've been handling it:

First, paid a lot of attention to his body language, his reactions to light nips and scratches. Sometimes a person won't explicitly say or do what they want, but their body language will give them away (Beau got more aggressive).
Second, purposefully got a little on his nerves and teased him. Saying, "Ooh, whatcha gonna do about it? Spank me?", worked really well.
Third, asked him what kind of porn he had watched under the pretense of wanting to know what he likes so i could be better at "making him happy". Had to kind of pussyfoot around it, act innocent and whatnot. Got extremely lucky when he included BDSM in the list.
Fourth, gently asked if he would ever want to do something like that with me. A longwinded discussion followed.
And since then i've been sending him some of the milder stories hosted here to read and get his opinions about. So far i think i'm succeeding at thoroughly corrupting him - i got a very delicious response to Moxy Irish's "Boot Camp" and it's sequel yesterday. But i won't be telling him any of my, ah, more "hard" fantasies just yet. It's too soon, might scare him, yadda yadda. i suggest keeping it to the "lightly kinky" level most vanilla couples explore for a while, in your case.

As everyone keeps saying, this requires a lot of communication, especially making sure your mate knows you won't judge him.

i wish you luck!

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Talk, talk, talk.

This right here. I understand your fears, and feel free to tentatively test the waters first, but regardless you're going to have to have an actual conversation about this with him at some point. It's up to you how much testing the waters and various things you want to do first, but if the relationship is going to work out either way the conversation will have to happen eventually.

And if he isn't sure, don't make him decide RIGHT NOW. If he says "I'll think about it", let him, for as long as you're comfortable. If these are new ideas to him, it's not fair to make him absorb it, consider it and come to a decision all at once. Not saying you have to wait for years for him to make one, just give him some time if he needs it

I really think they should change the term "relationships" to "communicationships".

 

[xhardchick]

Let's see. I've been into such a situation, with my ex. It's not that easy to mention and enter the BDSM thing in your common life. However, everything has a start. One night, preferably in bed, tell him how much you'd love to be tied up and controled. He'd be a bit shocked at first, but it depends on his caracter. Then, if he agrees and you do it, tell him how much you enjoyed it. Day by day make the BDSM talk more intense, show him some bondage videos or propose him to read this kind of stories. He'd surely get that you have an attraction in this field. Also, all men hide a sadistic side, where they want to see their woman in her hands and knees serving their needs and commands. So, why not him? You'd probably never be able to guess. You have to talk to him after some time. There you can throw the "bomb". At first it will be akward but I'm sure and talking by personal experience, it'll work. Good luck in that!

From the time I first started discovering me sexuality as a teenager I felt a draw to the "darker side of things". It wasnt untill I was 19 that I discovered the world of BDSM and my first sexual experience was with a Dom. I have now met someone and have fallen in love.

I feel he might be open to the BDSM conversation, but I have no idea how to approach it and I dont want to risk losing him. Nor do I want him to engage in play just to please me and him not enjoy it.

However, I pretty sure that I cant supress these desires forever, especially if this relationship leads to marriage, which is probable. Sigh.... I would love you hear your words of wisdom! Thanks!

 

[subwannabe]

I just had to reply to this even though you have gotten some really outstanding advice. I don't really know what to say to top it all off but you do have to lead him down a road slowly at first and take it at a pace he is comfortable with. You may be surprised that his pace is fast, if he is willing to go down this road with you. All I can say is that you have to do this because in the end there will be a part of your inner self that will not be happy if you just accept a vanilla lifestyle, forever. If he is actually totally vanilla and unwilling to go down this road, even just a little, and you wind up losing him over it, that will suck but I guarantee that in the end you wouldn't have been happy anyway. I do have to say that I don't believe that is the likely outcome. I think there is a huge percentage of the population that is actually quite kinky and they all seem to have the fear that if the other knew how kinky they really were, they would surely run for cover - so - we are all afraid to talk to each other about it. From your post I get the feeling that the two of you are fairly young. My guess is that even if he is vanilla now (which may not be the case) he may be willing to travel down this road together with you, learning as you go.

 

[lilkiki]

I am currently in the same situation as the OP and just wanted to add my two cents. Sometimes even a very gradual introduction of BDSM play will not necessarily get him interested in it. I made the mistake of assuming that most men would be turned on by having a girl tied up and at their mercy for pleasure and ended up committing to a relationship in which this is just not going to happen. Sometimes they're just too vanilla.

Don't make the mistake I did, treat this just as you would any other aspect of a long-term relationship that you're considering. Take your time and get to know his tastes. As I matured in my sexuality I found myself getting kinkier and him less so. Sometimes you just can't flip his switch, no matter how gently you try.