I'm having a bit of an anxiety issue...

[HeatherKatt]

I had an amazing relationship with a man for almost two years. I'm a switch, in general, but I was very much his submissive. Then he started getting actually violent with me. After a year of living together, he almost hospitalized me, and he's now looking at serving thirty years in prison for the severity what he did to me. I haven't had an orgasm since then (nearly three months ago! AHH!). My issue is that I have always enjoyed a bit of threat and pain during sex, but since this happened, I get scared and have actually had panic attacks during sex lately. The guy I've been dating barely touched my throat and I burst into tears and locked myself in the bathroom. This isn't me! And my therapist doesn't understand the BDsM lifestyle at all, so I don't know who to talk to... Has anyone dealt with anything like this?!

 

[Loverskitten]

First of all, you need time to heal. Don't date for a while.

Second, find another therapist. There are free services for battered women, search where you live. At the very least they can recommend another therapist.

 

[Loverskitten]

Also have to add, good for you for getting out. I've heard of too many women putting up with abuse because "he's dominant and they're submissive"

One more thing, there are therapists who specialize in sex/abuse issues and have knowledge of BDSM. It may take some searching but be honest and upfront about what happened and your issues and you'll find one who can help you through this.

 

[DVS]

I had an amazing relationship with a man for almost two years. I'm a switch, in general, but I was very much his submissive. Then he started getting actually violent with me. After a year of living together, he almost hospitalized me, and he's now looking at serving thirty years in prison for the severity what he did to me. I haven't had an orgasm since then (nearly three months ago! AHH!). My issue is that I have always enjoyed a bit of threat and pain during sex, but since this happened, I get scared and have actually had panic attacks during sex lately. The guy I've been dating barely touched my throat and I burst into tears and locked myself in the bathroom. This isn't me! And my therapist doesn't understand the BDsM lifestyle at all, so I don't know who to talk to... Has anyone dealt with anything like this?!

First thing, get a new therapist. I'm not sure where on the forum they are, but there are at least a few threads that have mentioned how to find one. It just doesn't make sense to have a therapist who doesn't understand the mindset of someone who has such sexual desires.

I understand why you feel as you do and what's happened to you is not that unusual. Unfortunately, the man you were with either always wanted to inflict more pain than he revealed to you, or he slowly started changing and either enjoyed the change, couldn't stop it, or just didn't realize what was happening. This is sad, because we strive for consent in our lifestyle.

The human mind has ways of reacting to situations that we can't handle. Any time we experience serious anxiety or stress, our subconscious will set up walls. Those walls are there to save us from further pain, but they can also end up disrupting our lives.

If you are confronted by an armed man and robbed, that can cause you to stop trusting strangers. If your house is burgled, you can end up struggling with your personal security. Just experience an auto accident and you could be afraid to drive your car, hindering your very means of mobility.

So, at least for a while, any sexual relations could be hindered, too, because you still enjoy what you enjoy. What you experienced, wasn't your fault. It's a version of post traumatic stress disorder. I'd like to say it's minor, but only you can be the judge of that. Everybody reacts to these situations differently. Some can handle more stress than others, just because of their physical make up, or their mental mindset. But, others might not react as well to something like this. If they aren't physically strong, they might feel less able to defend themselves. Also, if they have lived a sheltered type of lifestyle, they can really feel the hurt.

Being the submissive in a relationship, you assume the dom is going to stick to the rules...your limits. Your trust has been seriously damaged. It will take some time before you are able to trust again. If you want to continue with the same kind of lifestyle, during your recovery period, I'd suggest finding a very understanding and sensitive man who is easy to trust. I know...I'm asking a lot, right now. But, the sooner you can trust someone to follow the rules again, the sooner you will be able to start healing.

But, your first job is to find a BDSM friendly therapist. Drop the one you have, because you really need someone who understands how you feel.

A couple of links to help you find a BDSM friendly therapist. It's where you start.

https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals-directory/kap-directory-homepage.html

http://sociopathsinthescene.com/links/kink-friendly-professionals/

 

[HeatherKatt]

The strange thing is that he was never "violent" sexually. That line was never ever crossed in the bedroom. He was always so loving and compassionate, regardless of what we were doing. I live in a very small town, which makes it almost impossible to find another therapist. I already drive 45 minutes to see the one I have. I doubt I could find one in driving distance that understands, so perhaps I'll have to work out phone sessions or something. I appreciate the feedback.

As far as "not dating until I heal," that is a difficult one for me. This guy was the first monogamous relationship I've had in a while... I'm a bit of a slut, to be honest. I'm ok with it. I have my morals and ethics, and I've accepted the fact that casual sex is one of my favorite activities. Luckily, the man I'm actually dating is VERY understanding of the situation, as I've known him for quite a while. He doesn't know about my more colorful sexual tendencies yet, but he enjoys being a bit... frisky. Which is usually fine.

I know I'll be ok. I mostly just wanted some reassurance that someone understands what that <insert long list of expletives> did to my head.

 

[Stella_Omega]

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

What DVS said.

Also, if you are dealing with PTSD, listen to your body and learn to be more conscious about what exactly "triggers" you is important from what I understand. For example, what was it about him touching your neck that set you off? Do you even know? Awareness is a really good place to start because even when you may not be able to control your reactions, understanding them will make them more predictable which can be a bit more stabilizing.

I also want to add that though I see your point about it happening while within a BDSM framed relationships, I am not sure that I agree that a BDSM friendly counselor is going to be life critical. It seems to me that what you are describing sounds like it was more abusive than it was under the healthy BDSM umbrella that includes/requires consent. Does that make sense? Maybe consider focusing your sessions on how to handle PTSD type reactions from the traumatic even that landed you in the hospital in a more general way so you can get some tools in place to break that down more and slowly support healing.

Big hug and my warmest wishes for you to find what ever it is that you need to heal and feel vibrant again.

 

[graceanne]

I agree with kitten about giving yourself more time to heal. It's only been three months, I think you're being too hard on yourself. Learning to trust takes time.

I also wanted to point you to other conversations we've had about this, in case you want to do some reading.

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=9347961&postcount=3

There's some great links, also.

*hugs*

 

[WhipLuvr]

I'd suggest listening to DVS. Take time off from serious relationships if you need it. Do whatever you need to do to distance yourself from that time.

Since a bit of what triggers these attacks seems to be touching around you face and neck ( very understandable, as the neck and throat are a real soft spot for most people) I'd suggest wearing a necklace regularly. Choose something a bit heavy, and work your way up to bigger and heavier things until it no longer bothers you to have something touching you there. Get a neck massage or have your partner lightly stroke your collarbones as you cuddle and relax.

All the best of luck and please tell how this works out.

 

[Lovetolisten]

In agreement with DVS...

(( HUGS))

It will get better...

 

[bhndblueyes88]

I don't have any advice for you (beyond to mention that the advice given has been excellent; listen to it!), but I wanted to send you some e-hugs and support. Hang in there, and may life only get better!

 

[HeatherKatt]

Thanks for the support, guys! I'm getting better, and you all helped quite a bit. So nice to know that someone understands