I'm Bored

[wanderer2704]

This one is a long read...
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Rules of Bedroom Golf

1 . Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.

2. Play must be permitted by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well-formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Angry course owners have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure that the match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match

I have actually seen that before but its still good.

I actually play golf badly....think I may be better at bedroom golf!

 

[RedHairedandFriendly]

I have actually seen that before but its still good.

I actually play golf badly....think I may be better at bedroom golf!

I play putt putt.. can't get a proper swing.. with ummmmm.... breast in the way.. <blush>.. anywho....
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Eye Exam

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

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You didn't try this at the dentist did you?

 

[geronimo_appleby]

Morning mate...just back from the dentist, everything's cool.

Haven't had time to decide whether I'm bored yet!

Also haven't had a chance to read your story yet but I will later.

don't rush. like i said, it's not even at the mucky stage yet.

 

[wanderer2704]

I play putt putt.. can't get a proper swing.. with ummmmm.... breast in the way.. <blush>.. anywho....
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Eye Exam

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

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You didn't try this at the dentist did you?

Lmao....no I didn't but I might add that my dentist is gorgeous.

 

[RedHairedandFriendly]

Lmao....no I didn't but I might add that my dentist is gorgeous.

Then maybe you should .. lol
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Serenity Under Pressure

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work: 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Friday.

And help me to remember: When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.

 

[wanderer2704]

Then maybe you should .. lol
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Serenity Under Pressure

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work: 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Friday.

And help me to remember: When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.

That is very good.

I don't think I should I could have made a mess of her nice clean surgery.

 

[RedHairedandFriendly]

That is very good.

I don't think I should I could have made a mess of her nice clean surgery.

Well I'm sure that you could have talked her into helping you out??
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A Husband's Moment of Realization

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

 

[wanderer2704]

Well I'm sure that you could have talked her into helping you out??
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A Husband's Moment of Realization

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

That's good too

I guess I could have done but being a dentist she would have been certain to charge me an extortionate fee for her time

 

[RedHairedandFriendly]

That's good too

I guess I could have done but being a dentist she would have been certain to charge me an extortionate fee for her time

Not if you made it worth her time.
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To have hot sex with the perverted farmer.

 

[wanderer2704]

Not if you made it worth her time.
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To have hot sex with the perverted farmer.

Yes but aren't all dentists after the money and also lets face it there has to be something weird about them wanting to spend all day peering into peoples mouths. So she may be gorgeous but I think must be odd.

Another oldie but goldie there.

 

[geronimo_appleby]

sorry to butt in here, Red. Wanderer, I just sent a link to one of my pieces. If you don't like the category, then please don't read it. Got to go out for half an hour. chat later, bloke.

 

[wanderer2704]

sorry to butt in here, Red. Wanderer, I just sent a link to one of my pieces. If you don't like the category, then please don't read it. Got to go out for half an hour. chat later, bloke.

Thanks GA...I'll check it out later. See you.

 

[RedHairedandFriendly]

Thanks GA...I'll check it out later. See you.

G-spot vs. a Golfball

What is the differnce between a golf ball and a G-spot?
A guy will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

 

[wanderer2704]

G-spot vs. a Golfball

What is the differnce between a golf ball and a G-spot?
A guy will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

Yeah so....golf balls can cost quite a bit of money, lol.

 

[RedHairedandFriendly]

Yeah so....golf balls can cost quite a bit of money, lol.

LOL!!! I guess you have no problem searching for the other thing???
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Blonde in a Car

A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, ''I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?''

''Why sure,'' said the manager, ''we have something that works especially well for that.''

A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice. ''No, no! A little to the left,'' said the other blonde inside the car.

 

[wanderer2704]

LOL!!! I guess you have no problem searching for the other thing???
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Blonde in a Car

A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, ''I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?''

''Why sure,'' said the manager, ''we have something that works especially well for that.''

A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice. ''No, no! A little to the left,'' said the other blonde inside the car.

Nope!!!

That joke I like.

 

[RedHairedandFriendly]

Nope!!!

That joke I like.

So you can find it in less then 20 min.... but do you do that or do you just take your time before you get there?
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Amputee Escaping

During WWII a fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and he was captured by the Nazis. He was hurt pretty bad so he the German doctor amputated his arm. He had a request that they would drop his arm over his base in England. So the Germans did.
Then next week they amputated his other arm and he asked for the same thing. So the Germans did.

The next week they amputated his leg and he again asked for them to drop it over his base in England.

The German doctor replied, “Nein, Ve do dis no more!” The pilot asked why not, and the German answered, “Ve tink you trying to escape!”

 

[wanderer2704]

So you can find it in less then 20 min.... but do you do that or do you just take your time before you get there?
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Amputee Escaping

During WWII a fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and he was captured by the Nazis. He was hurt pretty bad so he the German doctor amputated his arm. He had a request that they would drop his arm over his base in England. So the Germans did.
Then next week they amputated his other arm and he asked for the same thing. So the Germans did.

The next week they amputated his leg and he again asked for them to drop it over his base in England.

The German doctor replied, “Nein, Ve do dis no more!” The pilot asked why not, and the German answered, “Ve tink you trying to escape!”

There has to be little time taken to find it, a little playful teasing so to speak

Lol....that's funny.

 

[RedHairedandFriendly]

There has to be little time taken to find it, a little playful teasing so to speak

Lol....that's funny.

Well glad to know you take your time, many are a go for the prize and forget all the wrapping..
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Lighten It Up

Q: Why do fireflies light up while they are having sex?

A: Because they are so turned-on!

 

[wanderer2704]

Well glad to know you take your time, many are a go for the prize and forget all the wrapping..
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Lighten It Up

Q: Why do fireflies light up while they are having sex?

A: Because they are so turned-on!

Of course I find its always more fun to take your time.

Another oldie but still brings a smile

 

[RedHairedandFriendly]

Of course I find its always more fun to take your time.

Another oldie but still brings a smile

Yes it is more fun.. for both people.
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The Magician and the Parrot

There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.
He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's in his sleeve!''

The magician chased the bird away.

The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!''

The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.

The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.

They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ''I give up, what'd you do with the ship?''

 

[wanderer2704]

Yes it is more fun.. for both people.
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The Magician and the Parrot

There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.
He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's in his sleeve!''

The magician chased the bird away.

The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!''

The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.

The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.

They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ''I give up, what'd you do with the ship?''

At my age you have to take your time, too much excitement quickly could bring on a heart attack.

That was funny...haven't had time to feel bored today, so far thanks.

 

[RedHairedandFriendly]

At my age you have to take your time, too much excitement quickly could bring on a heart attack.

That was funny...haven't had time to feel bored today, so far thanks.

LOL!! How old are you??
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Benefits of Being Female

* We got off the Titanic first.

* We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

* When we buy a vibrator, it's sexy. When men buy a blow-up doll, it's pathetic.

* Our boyfriends' clothes look elfin and gorgeous on us -- guys look like complete idiots in ours.

* We can be groupies.

* Male groupies are stalkers.

* We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

* Taxis stop for us.

* Men die sooner, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

* We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

* Free drinks.

* Free dinners.

* We can hug our friends without wondering if they think we're gay.

* We know the truth about whether size matters.

* New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

* Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.

* It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower. *
We don't fart to amuse ourselves.

* If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

* We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.

* If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

* We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

* We have the ability to dress ourselves.

* We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

* We have an excuse to be totally cranky at least once a month.

* We can talk to people of the opposite sex without automatically picturing them naked.

* If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

* Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

* There are times when chocolate really can solve all our problems.

* Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.

* We'll never regret piercing our ears.

* We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

* We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.

 

[wanderer2704]

LOL!! How old are you??
_______________________________________________________


Benefits of Being Female

* We got off the Titanic first.

* We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

* When we buy a vibrator, it's sexy. When men buy a blow-up doll, it's pathetic.

* Our boyfriends' clothes look elfin and gorgeous on us -- guys look like complete idiots in ours.

* We can be groupies.

* Male groupies are stalkers.

* We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

* Taxis stop for us.

* Men die sooner, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

* We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

* Free drinks.

* Free dinners.

* We can hug our friends without wondering if they think we're gay.

* We know the truth about whether size matters.

* New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

* Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.

* It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower. *
We don't fart to amuse ourselves.

* If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

* We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.

* If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

* We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

* We have the ability to dress ourselves.

* We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

* We have an excuse to be totally cranky at least once a month.

* We can talk to people of the opposite sex without automatically picturing them naked.

* If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

* Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

* There are times when chocolate really can solve all our problems.

* Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.

* We'll never regret piercing our ears.

* We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

* We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.

Now that is good and the trouble is most of it is true!

Now there's a question...there's a thread somewhere here on Lit that will tell you.

 

[RedHairedandFriendly]

Now that is good and the trouble is most of it is true!

Now there's a question...there's a thread somewhere here on Lit that will tell you.

I dont think you'll have a heart attack any time soon.. lol!!
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Shoes

Never say anything about a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes - because then you are a mile away and you've got his shoes and you can say whatever the hell you want about him