I'm back again.....What do you think?

[mechocolate]

Well, I am here again looking for your honest although brutal thoughts of my poetry. I hope you guys enjoy but I do expect honest opinions. Please let me know what you liked and disliked so that I know what to work on. Thank you all in advance.






Proclamation of a Slut

 

[WickedEve]

For starters, I'd chop this poem in half. You have the sex finished half way through the poem, then you call a friend and start again. You could make this into two poems and I think that would help a little.

 

[Rybka]

Some of the poem almost reads with the metre of "The Night Before Christmas" Somehow that does not seem appropriate.
Also, you should try to at least keep the metre in each line of a couplet the same, and if you are going to rhyme in this format then you should be aware that rhymes that strain detract from the overall strength of the work.

Keep trying, Rybka

 

[JUDO]

Rhymes - I know that it's done is Rap music all the time, but words like "cock" and "hot" do not rhyme for me. Such vain attempts at rhyming always strike me as lazy - someone not willing to try harder at staying within the confines of the medium. I guess it might work if you pronounce them to rhyme like "Kah" and "Hah," but really, who will listen to those words?

I agree with WE. Too long for subject matter. Either cut it in half or put more content in the story.

And maybe some sluts like to cowtow to a guy who calls them such names, but not this one.

Thoughts.

- Judo