If you started out again, what would you tell yourself?

[emme8]

I would tell my early self not to be afraid to ask for more of what I needed.
I always played on the safe side and little did I know my amazingly perfect husband is so perfect he want to share me.

 

[SandraMaus]

Never giving my ok y agin to use ' Harder ' as safe word

 

[Dearelliot]

"Easy...nice and easy."

 

[F1rmHanded]

I would tell myself to think deeply about the difference between intuition and instinct.

 

[Pliantjoed]

don’t trade stability for your desires when you are young. Go experience life and figure out what you like before making lifelong commitments.

 

[HappyToBeAlive]

Its ok to be who you are… you don't owe anything to your parents, friends, society. You are like you are, and that is OK

 

[yaturtle]

To many things to list

 

[dct10538]

Dear younger self: Social issues are absolutely not the same for women and men in general. Women, particularly younger ones, are are under social pressures not to express themselves as sexual beings in public. This has lessened generally across society, but still reigns in some quarters. IOW, women have a sex drive that can be just as strong as men's but they must repress its expression. This is a strong synergy between cultural and (probably) biological factors, and it ranges from extremely overt to extremely subtle, but it is pervasive.

Online, sometimes in this group, but really in other forums, many of which sometime read like magnified miniature studies in specialized psychological pathology, you can see this pressure in a most extreme form. (I'm new, but have lurked for awhile, and Literotica does a pretty good job/attracts a decent-ish crowd.) I've found this is what is behind the fact that women's "approaches," when we feel comfortable enough, are so small and plausibly deniable. Men have the exact opposite problem, that they're actually supposed to be a little overtly sexual. So shyness is unfortunate for them. When you stop and analyze this social phenomenon, you see that men have an extreme amount to gain by being someone who can make a woman feel comfortable expressing a side that she normally has to put up an extreme guard against showing. I almost hate to say it, but establishing that comfort can lead to getting up to all kinds of interesting things later.

Being a blunt and, yes, grumpy woman has disadvantages, but it also has advantages. Outside personal safety, there is one advantage I am extremely glad I have. I can be more comfortable with myself, in all my eccentricity, and comfortable and calm about sexuality, in a direct way. Doing so, I find that this actually gives me much more power. Many women feel they do not have this option, because they face social pressures that can be much stronger. This is a force and a penalty that I don't think some people really understand.

 

[PaxNurgle]

It not worth it

I have thought long and hard about how to respond to this, and intially, this cynical, and somewhat bitter response was going to be my go-to. But what hindsight, age and experience has taught me is this:

Many newbies, specifically guys, get way too caught up in what people describe as "sub-frenzy." That is, the urge to experience and live out these powerful and intense erotic fantasies. I know, because I experienced this, too. Sometimes even now, I still have these feelings. They have subsided but maybe not entirely gone away.

But when you do, you can get inside your head way too much. So much so, that you lose the ability to connect with, or relate to a real person in real time. You are so caught up in your own fantasies that suddenly you have trouble relating to people in the real-world on their terms- even people who might be open to being dominants. You become vulnerable to scams: "Mistress seeking eager subs, blah blah Zangi, and send me $100 for your training fee, then $200 for your contract fee, then $800 for your sub training kit, then I need $500 for an event fee then... bye bye slave." Or if you are lucky, maybe you DO get to live out your fantasies in person with a professional, but by doing so, you miss out on any real, romantic connection, after the initial rush of satisfaction, you remain lonely, companionless, and broke.

So is it worth it? Short answer probably not, but long answer: If you are somehow able to find that lasting and meaningful connection built through BDSM and kink, then it is a true treasure and worth keeping. But it's all about finding that connection, and that means reaching out to connect with someone on a truly personal level, not simply being stuck in your own head with your own feelings.

 

[Erosfan]

When you look back at your journey in BDSM, is there anything you wish you could reach back and tell yourself at the start? To avoid mistakes which cost you time, money or emotional energy.

I would have been more open and expressive regarding my desires. I used to hint and be subtle, in hope that whoever I was with would pick up on what I wanted. It didn't work. I did date a lady that picked up on my exhibitionist tendencies. We almost went there, a couple of times, but she needed me to be a little more open. I always hoped that she would take the lead from my hints. It didn't work.
Much later in life, I met and married a woman that caught on to my hints, and she pushed me to open up and tell her about my desires and kinks. She was a good listener and was quite willing to talk with me and even made some of my fantasies come true.

 

[Oralexplorer]

I think basically the best advice is to listen to your heart and don't let stereotypes and society dictate how you live. Be true to yourself first and foremost and that ensure happiness.

Very sound advice

 

[FoxtrotJulietRomeo]

As someone who reached 60 before ‘finding’ a woman who almost gets me, I’d probably have to say “Don’t hold your breath…”!!

 

[Fingerfuxs]

When you look back at your journey in BDSM, is there anything you wish you could reach back and tell yourself at the start?

1. Specifically add the word *arts to the equation *BDSM-arts rather then just BDSM. It really does make a huge difference in the mind set of a novice or curious person.

Once that happens everything changes , pretty simple really.

 

[Ciceri]

I’d tell myself to trust him.

 

[TheIntrepidBoyager]

In a way, I've had this opportunity. That is to say that we took a many-years hiatus from active D/s activity and have delved full bore back into it. Like others, we're older now and things are different but what I told myself at the beginning this time around and I keep repeating are to basically just let it happen.

As the sub in the equation, I fought the bit too much and too often topped from the bottom, even if just through manipulation. I wanted what I wanted and when I wasn't getting it, I thought it was because she was disinterested.

I've stopped that, or at least almost completely and am continuing to work on it.

We also have committed to more open discussion about all aspect of D/s and that has really helped.

Lastly, and for me most importantly, I fully surrendered my orgasms to her. Full control. I don't masturbate or anything. I didn't make that commitment the first time and I think it has made a world of difference for us.

 

[peter252]

Do it all again but read between the lines