If you aren't Jewish, you won't get it

[miles]

An old Jewish man was dying in the hospital. His family -- wife,children,grandchildren -- came to see him but only one was allowed in the room at a time. Grandson Ben went in first. "Hello, Grampa Moishe. Can I do something for you?" "Yes," said Grampa Moishe. Go tell Gramma Sadie I want some of her chopped liver. Ben went out and told Gramma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe he can't have any chopped liver. It would kill him." Ben went back in and reported. "You tell Gramma Sadie I want the chopped liver. I'm dying anyway and it won't make any difference." Ben went and told Gramma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe he can't have any. The chopped liver is for the Shiva."

 

[BgMma]

I am not Jewish, but my mom is

 

[caraliza]

LOL

I get it, and I'm not even Jewish.

Reminds me of the one about the fiance who thought his Jewish girlfriend's family had accepted him. They'd even given him a special Indian name: Sitting Shiva.

 

[Spinaroonie]

Isn't Shiva a hindu god?

 

[roxanne69]

An old Jewish man was dying in the hospital. His family -- wife,children,grandchildren -- came to see him but only one was allowed in the room at a time. Grandson Ben went in first. "Hello, Grampa Moishe. Can I do something for you?" "Yes," said Grampa Moishe. Go tell Gramma Sadie I want some of her chopped liver. Ben went out and told Gramma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe he can't have any chopped liver. It would kill him." Ben went back in and reported. "You tell Gramma Sadie I want the chopped liver. I'm dying anyway and it won't make any difference." Ben went and told Gramma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe he can't have any. The chopped liver is for the Shiva."

You know, that one wouldn't be nearly as funny if it didn't come out of Clarke Gable's mouth. lol

Hey mama, you are Jewish if your mom is. Doesn't matter if your dad is an alien, Jewish law says you are if your mom is. Welcome to the family lol

ok I got this from my cousin the Lubavitcher this morning. It's cute:

HOW THE GRINCH STOLE SHABBAT
>>Ed Feinstein
>>
>>OH, THE JEWS UP IN JEWVILLE
>>THEY LOVED THEIR SHABBAT,
>>FROM THE OLDEST OF OLD FOLKS
>>TO THE YOUNGEST OF TOTS.
>>
>>WITH CANDLES AND WINE
>>AND CHOCOLATE CHIP HALLAH,
>>THEY FELT OH SO GOOD
>>TILL WAY PAST HAVDALLAH.
>>
>>THEY ALL WENT TO SHUL
>>TO HEAR RABBI SCHULWEIS
>>WHO TOLD THEM "IT'S IMPORTANT
>>TO TREAT EVERYONE NICE."
>>
>>AND AFTER THE SERVICE
>>THEY EACH TOOK THEIR TALLIS
>>AND RAN TO TABLES
>>FOR COOKIES AND CHALLAHS.
>>
>>BUT THERE WAS ONE AMONG THEM
>>THOUGH HE WAS BORN YIDDISH
>>WHO DIDN'T LIKE CANDLES OR HALLAH OR KIDDUSH.
>>IN FACT SHABBAT MADE HIM SO ANGRY AND BLUE-ISH,
>>YOU'D HARDLY HAVE GUESSED THAT HE WAS BORN JEWISH.
>>SINCE HIS BAR MITZVAH,
>>HE GREW NOT AN INCH.
>>HE WAS TINY, AND HAIRY,
>>AND THEY CALLED HIM,
>>THE GRINCH.
>>
>>HE LIVED ON A MOUNTAINTOP
>>FAR ABOVE TOWN
>>ON EACH SHABBAT EVENING
>>HE'D SAY WITH A FROWN:
>>"WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL,
>>WITH THEIR CANDLES AND BRACHAS,
>>TO ME, THE WHOLE THING IS A PAIN IN THE TUCHAS.
>>I DON'T FEEL ANY DIFFERENT FROM FRIDAY TILL SUNDAY.
>>I DON'T NEED YOUR SHABBAT - GIVE ME ANY OLD MONDAY!
>>I'LL SHOW THEM, I'LL SHOW THEM
>>I'LL STEAL THEIR SHABBAT!
>>I'LL TAKE ALL THE WINE AND THE CANDLES THEY'VE GOT!"
>>
>>SO HE SET ABOUT BUILDING
>>A SHABBAT-STEALING MACHINE.
>>IT WAS NUCLEAR POWERED
>>IT WAS NOISY AND MEAN.
>>
>>HE BUILT THE WORLD'S FIRST
>>SHABBAT CANDLE BLOWER-OUTER
>>THAT BLEW OUT THE CANDLES
>>WITH UCKY GREEN POWDER.
>>
>>THEN ONE FRIDAY NIGHT
>>WHILE THEY WELCOMED SHABBAT
>>THE GRINCH SAW HIS CHANCE
>>TO HATCH HIS UGLY PLOT.
>>
>>WHILE THEY ALL SAT IN SHUL,
>>SO POLISHED AND CLEAN,
>>THE GRINCH FROM HIS MOUNTAINTOP
>>BROUGHT DOWN HIS MACHINE.
>>
>>WHILE THE CANTOR SANG PRAYERS
>>AND THE RABBI TOLD FABLES,
>>THE GRINCH CAME DOWN CHIMNEYS
>>TO ATTACK SHABBAT TABLES.
>>
>>AS THE JEWS IN THE SHUL
>>DAVENED LOUDER AND LOUDER
>>THE GRINCH, HE REV'ED UP
>>HIS SHABBAT CANDLE BLOWER-OUTER.
>>
>>HE SNUFFED ALL THEIR CANDLES,
>>HE STOLE ALL THEIR CHALLAHS,
>>HE DUMPED OUT THEIR KIDDUSH WINE
>>ALL OVER THEIR TALLIS.
>>
>>THERE WAS NO ONE TO STOP HIM
>>THEY WERE ALL STILL IN SHUL
>>AS HE POUR ALL THEIR CHICKEN SOUP
>>RIGHT IN THE POOL.
>>
>>HE ATE ALL THEIR KUGEL
>>HE ATE UP THEIR HERRING
>>HE ATE ALL THEIR DESSERTS
>>WITHOUT EVEN SHARING!
>>
>>THAT GRINCH HE STOLE SHABBAS
>>FROM ALL THEIR MISHPOCHAS,
>>FROM SUCH TERRIBLE THINGS
>>SOME PEOPLE GET NACHAS.
>>
>>HE RUINED THEIR SHABBOS
>>HE DIDN'T THINK TWICE
>>HE EVEN STOLE SHABBAS
>>FROM RABBI SCHULWEIS.
>>
>>THE GRINCH STOLE THE SHABBOS
>>FROM JEWVILLE'S FINE JEWS
>>HE WENT UP ALL THEIR STREETS
>>AND DOWN AVENUES
>>UNTIL HE FINALLY ARRIVED
>>AT THE ROAD BY THE CREVICE
>>THE VERY LAST STREET
>>WHERE THEY DRINK MANISCHEVITZ.
>>
>>AT THE END OF THE BLOCK
>>LIVED LITTLE SUZIE LE'JEW
>>WHO COULDN'T MAKE IT TO SHUL
>>SHE WAS HOME WITH THE FLU.
>>
>>OF ALL JEWVILLE'S JEWS
>>LITTLE SUZIE WAS SMARTEST,
>>SHE STUDIED THE LONGEST
>>SHE STUDIED THE HARDEST
>>
>>SHE KNEW KIDDUSH AND MOTZEE
>>AND BIRKAT BY HEART
>>SHE KNEW SHEMA AND AMIDA
>>AND THE IMBETWEEN PARTS.
>>THAT ONLY THE CANTOR AND YOSSI COULD SAY
>>IF ONLY THE RABBI WOULD LET PEOPLE PRAY!
>>
>>NOW THIS LITTLE SUZIE
>>SLEPT SNUG IN HER BED
>>WHILE CANDLES AND CHALLAH
>>DANCED IN HER HEAD.
>>WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN SHE HEARD SUCH A CLATTER
>>AND IN THROUGH HER WINDOW CAME THE GRINCH ON A LADDER.
>>
>>NOW SUZIE IN DARKNESS
>>SHE JUST COULDN'T SEE
>>"WHO IS THIS VISITOR?
>>WHO COULD IT BE?
>>SHE THOUGHT MAYBE ZAIDA
>>HAD FORGETTEN HIS KEY
>>OR PERHAPS COUSIN HERSCHEL
>>HAD DROPPED IN FOR TEA.
>>
>>SO SHE JUMPED OUT OF BED
>>GAVE A KISS AND HUG
>>SHE WHISPERED, "GOOD SHABBOS"
>>INTO HIS HAIRY MUG.
>>
>>NOW THE GRINCH DIDN'T KNOW
>>WHAT HIT HIM THAT NIGHT
>>EVERYONE HE WOULD MEET
>>RAN AWAY IN GREAT FRIGHT.
>>
>>THIS WAS THE FIRST SHABBOS KISS HE HAD GOT
>>SINCE HE WAS A KID BACK IN RABBI JAY'S TOT SHABBAT.
>>
>>AT THAT VERY MOMENT
>>HIS HEART STARTED TO BEAT
>>HE FELT WARM AND TINGLY
>>FROM HIS HEAD TO HIS FEET.
>>
>>OUT OF HIS EYES
>>CAME FLOWING THE TEARS
>>FROM ALL OF THE HUGS
>>THAT HE'D MISSED ALL THESE YEARS.
>>
>>"I'VE DONE SOMETHING AWFUL,"
>>THE GRINCH STARTED TO CRY
>>"I'VE DONE SOMETHING AWFUL
>>AND I DON'T KNOW WHY."
>>
>>"WE BELIEVE IN TESHUVA,"
>>SUZIE WISELY EXPLAINED
>>WE BELIEVE THAT YOUR WAYS
>>CAN ALWAYS BE CHANGED!"
>>
>>"BUT WHAT CAN I DO
>>TO EARN LOVE IN YOUR EYES?
>>WHAT CAN I DO
>>TO APOLOGIZE?"
>>
>>"THE JEWS OF OUR TOWN ARE FORGIVING AND TRUE
>>THE JEWS OF OUR TOWN WILL LEARN TO LOVE YOU
>>
>>BUT FIRST YOU MUST SHOW
>>YOUR WORDS COME FROM THE HEART
>>CLEAN UP YOUR MESS,
>>THAT'S A GOOD START!
>>
>>PUT BACK THE CANDLES
>>AND PUT BACK THE CHALLAS
>>PUT BACK THE KIDDUSH WINE
>>PUT BACK THE TALLIS!
>>
>>BUT HURRY UP, MR GRINCH
>>IT'S TIME TO BE NERVOUS
>>'CAUSE HERE COME THE JEWS
>>HOME FROM THE SERVICE!"
>>
>>THE GRINCH HE MOVED FAST
>>LIKE A MIGHTY TORNADO
>>THE GRINCH HE MOVED FASTER
>>THAN EVEN SIGFREDO.
>>
>>HE PUT BACK THEIR CANDLES
>>HE PUT BACK THEIR CHALLAS
>>HE PUT BACK THE KIDDUSH WINE
>>HE CLEANED UP THE TALLIS.
>>HE SET ALL THE TABLES WITH GLEAMING WHITE DISHES.
>>HE FILLED ALL THEIR PLATES WITH BRISKET AND KNISHES.
>>
>>SO THE JEWS OF OLD JEWVILLE
>>CAME HOME SINGING SONGS
>>AND THEY NEVER FOUND OUT
>>THERE WAS ANYTHING WRONG.
>>
>>THE GRINCH DID TSHUVA
>>AND CHANGED ALL HIS WAYS
>>HE LEARNED TO LOVE SHABBOS
>>ALL OF HIS DAYS.
>>
>>ALL OF HIS MEANNESS AND ANGER AND STINK
>>HE GOT RID OF ALL
>>HE NEEDED NO SHRINK.
>>
>>INSTEAD HE HAD SUZIE
>>HIS WISE LITTLE TEACHER
>>WHO TAUGHT HIM THAT
>>INSIDE THE HEART OF EACH CREATURE
>>IS GOD'S SPECIAL LIGHT
>>'CAUSE IN GOD'S IMAGE WE'RE MADE
>>AND SO THERE'S NO REASON
>>TO EVER BE AFRAID.
>>
>>THE GRINCH LOVED THE TORAH
>>SO MUCH THAT ONE DAY
>>HE SIGNED UP TO BE A RABBI
>>UP AT THE UJ.
>>
>>AND SO MY DEAR FRIENDS
>>THIS SHABBOS, LET'S NOT MISS
>>TURN AROUND TO SOMEONE
>>GIVE A HUG AND A KISS.
>>
>>SUZIE HAS TAUGHT US
>>THAT EVEN A GRINCH
>>WITH ENOUGH HUGS AND KISSES
>>CAN TURN INTO A MENSCH.

 

[roxanne69]

Re: LOL

I get it, and I'm not even Jewish.

Reminds me of the one about the fiance who thought his Jewish girlfriend's family had accepted him. They'd even given him a special Indian name: Sitting Shiva.

Lol good one!

 

[sunstruck]

*sniff* That was buteeful! lol

Great joke to. Mom is going to plotz.

 

[BgMma]

Re: Re: If you aren't Jewish, you won't get it

Hey mama, you are Jewish if your mom is. Doesn't matter if your dad is an alien, Jewish law says you are if your mom is. Welcome to the family lol

------------------------------------------


It was a joke.....

 

[roxanne69]

*sniff* That was buteeful! lol

Great joke to. Mom is going to plotz.

It's a true story, Suzie was my mom

 

[miles]

Damn, those meshugge Lubavitcher

 

[caraliza]

Damn, those meshugge Lubavitcher

That's a lot easier to type than to say.

 

[sunstruck]

That's a lot easier to type than to say.

LMAO! No it's not!

 

[roxanne69]

Damn, those meshugge Lubavitcher

who knew (or nu?) those big hats had a sense of humour? *cackle*

 

[miles]

"A Jewish Mother's Answering Machine"
If you want varnishkas, press 1;
If you want knishes press 2;
If you want chicken soup, press 3;
If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4;
If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the wrong number since nobody ever asks me how I am feeling.

 

[roxanne69]

"A Jewish Mother's Answering Machine"
If you want varnishkas, press 1;
If you want knishes press 2;
If you want chicken soup, press 3;
If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4;
If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the wrong number since nobody ever asks me how I am feeling.

It's the AV Miles. Your jokes are 10 times funnier because of it...lol

 

[caraliza]

Bad spellers' heaven

Originally posted by caraliza
That's a lot easier to type than to say.

Originally posted by sunstruck
LMAO! No it's not!

Sure it is! Even for you. Nobody agrees on how to spell those transliterated Hebrew/Yiddish words. This is one time you can just wing it and try and defend yourself later. Good luck on the defense, though; your reputation precedes you. LOL

 

[miles]

It's the AV Miles. Your jokes are 10 times funnier because of it...lol

Scarlett~
"Sir, you are no gentleman..."
Rhett~
"En, you, shvithart, you is some shikse"

 

[roxanne69]

Scarlett~
"Sir, you are no gentleman..."
Rhett~
"En, you, shvithart, you is some shikse"

ROTFLMAO Stop already, I'm gonna pee!!

Hey miles, wanna come over and play hide the karnatzeleh?

 

[miles]

Now that I know there are other MOT's (Members of the Tribe) here, they will appreciate this......

http://www.theonion.com/onion3409/hamban.html

 

[roxanne69]

Now that I know there are other MOT's (Members of the Tribe) here, they will appreciate this......

http://www.theonion.com/onion3409/hamban.html

Thanks for the link, it's a scream. I just sent it to my Lubavitcher cousin, hope it goes over well.

What is a Jewish Dilemma?
Free Ham Buffet

 

[Risings]

A Jewish man is hit by a car. As the paramedics put him on the stretcher they ask, "Are you comfortable?" He says, "Eh...I make a living."

I've got busloads of the good jokes somewhere, but I have to find 'em...

 

[roxanne69]

A Jewish man is hit by a car. As the paramedics put him on the stretcher they ask, "Are you comfortable?" He says, "Eh...I make a living."

I've got busloads of the good jokes somewhere, but I have to find 'em...

Find em find 'em!!

 

[miles]

A Jewish man is hit by a car. As the paramedics put him on the stretcher they ask, "Are you comfortable?" He says, "Eh...I make a living."

I've got busloads of the good jokes somewhere, but I have to find 'em...

You may want to run carbon-dating tests on any more "new" jokes.

 

[miles]

Old Jewish couple are riding in the car when they see a huge sign on the First Baptist Church that says "WE'LL CONVERT YOU TO CHRISTIANITY IN 30 MINUTES OR PAY YOU $10,000.

Sadie turns to her husband. "Moishe, whattya got to lose? Go in there. Stay 30 minutes. He can't convert an old Yid like you. It's easy money. Ill wait here."

Moishe exits the car and walks into the church.

30 minutes go by. No Moishe.
45 minutes go by. No Moishe.
60 minutes - no Moishe.

After 90 minutes Sadie decides to go inside and find her husband. Just as she's locking the car, here comes Moishe down the steps with a big smile on his face.

"Moishe," Sadie screams. "Where the hell have you been? I was worried sick and about to call a cop. You were in there 1 1/2 hours. Where the hell is the $10,000?

Moishe's face turns beet red and he yells, "Is that all you goddamn people ever think about is money?"

 

[roxanne69]

The Law of Conservation of Jewish Behavior:

This Extremely Reform principle, adapted from Newtonian physics, provides that "for each and every Jewish act, there is an equal and opposite non-Jewish act." Thus, if you do a small kindness for someone less fortunate than you, you are permitted to eat a shrimp cocktail. If you visit a sick person in the hospital, you may spend the Sabbath at a restricted country club.