Ravenloft
Sweet Rogue
- Joined
- Jan 29, 2000
- Posts
- 18,844
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through
My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
The artifact that is the sorce of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Dispair, beyond the River of Fire, guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be. "No, just sensible."
When I have captured my adversary and he says. "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say. "No." and shoot him.
I will not include a self destruct mechanism unless absolutely neccessary. If it is neccessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do not push!"
The big red button labeled "Don't push." Will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it.
I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me - I'll do it myself.
I will not interrogate my enemies in my inner sanctum - a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
I will be secure in my superiourity, therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident - I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not to show them any.
One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implimentation.
All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff.
the announcment of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aformentioned disposal.
My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots, or adhere to any other dress codes.
The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
I will never employ any device with a digital countdown.
If I find that such a device is absolutely necessary, I will set it to activate when the counter has reached 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he’s caused.
I will never utter the sentence. “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”
When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father.
Despite its stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknessess.
Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line. “No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!” (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
I will never build only one of anything important. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
Even though I don’t care, because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won’t tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.
I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
I will not fly into a rage and kill the messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
I won’t require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero’s party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
I will not turn into a snake… It never helps…
My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
The artifact that is the sorce of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Dispair, beyond the River of Fire, guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be. "No, just sensible."
When I have captured my adversary and he says. "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say. "No." and shoot him.
I will not include a self destruct mechanism unless absolutely neccessary. If it is neccessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do not push!"
The big red button labeled "Don't push." Will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it.
I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me - I'll do it myself.
I will not interrogate my enemies in my inner sanctum - a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
I will be secure in my superiourity, therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident - I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not to show them any.
One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implimentation.
All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff.
the announcment of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aformentioned disposal.
My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots, or adhere to any other dress codes.
The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
I will never employ any device with a digital countdown.
If I find that such a device is absolutely necessary, I will set it to activate when the counter has reached 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he’s caused.
I will never utter the sentence. “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”
When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father.
Despite its stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknessess.
Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line. “No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!” (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
I will never build only one of anything important. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
Even though I don’t care, because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won’t tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.
I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
I will not fly into a rage and kill the messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
I won’t require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero’s party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
I will not turn into a snake… It never helps…
