I'd Rather Be Doing Something Else

[Misty_Morning]

I really don’t have a lot of paranoias. Really. I do have a very real paranoia concerning hypodermic needles. It is no joke.

About the only other paranoia I have concerns death. Sometimes I am afraid to go to sleep because I’m afraid that I will not wake up. Doesn’t happen that often but it still happens on occasion. I guess it stems from the fact that I have had multiple family members that have died in their sleep. I guess dying in your sleep would be the way most folks want to go, not me.

Now, I do get freaked out when I have to have surgery. You know how they give you a shot of versed before they wheel you into the OR to calm you down, and it actually makes most people pass out? Not me. The doctors are usually amazed that I am not only still conscious but also extremely alert. So they end up giving me more. Still nothing.

Then there was that time when I was in high school and woke up during a surgical procedure. That was totally mind fucking. I was awake and could hear and feel everything, but I could not move. That fucked with my head for quite some time.

Sixteen years ago my mother died while having surgery. This has not helped my anxiety concerning surgical procedures. ‘Nuff said.


So lets, recap.

Needles? My blood pressure is rising just writing about them.

Death and sleep? Very afraid of dying in my sleep.

Surgery? Well, I guess it’s like the “ultimate” dying in your sleep fear expressed in the above statement.

Combine them all, and you have one scared little camper.

So, my house is all clean, the bills are paid, I have written a couple of letters just in case and now I just am waiting for tomorrow.

I found out Monday that I have to have emergency oral surgery. Emergency meaning it has to be done within a couple of days and Friday was really pushing it. Its going to be performed at a surgical clinic so I don’t have to go into the hospital. It can’t be done at the oral surgeon’s office because it requires an anesthesiologist.

Needless to say I am on pins and needles today. So, I got the stereo cranked up, and am dancing around the house trying to amuse myself. My gf will be here around 6 or 7 tonight and she will take me in tomorrow.

I know it’s not a big deal to most folks and that the procedure is considered minor, but it does not help alleviate my fears.

I am trying not to think about the feeling I get and the last thought that I always have just before I go under…..”please don’t let me die…”

On the bight side I am planning a night of extensive “activities” with my gf. If I gotta go, then I’m gonna go sexually satisfied.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

About the only other paranoia I have concerns death. Sometimes I am afraid to go to sleep because I’m afraid that I will not wake up. Doesn’t happen that often but it still happens on occasion. I guess it stems from the fact that I have had multiple family members that have died in their sleep. I guess dying in your sleep would be the way most folks want to go, not me.

Well, here's my thoughts on death...it's a bit I wrote for Montana Summer...

“Are you afraid of dying?” Ryan looked at Charlie.

“No,” Charlie poked at the fire with a stick, and then looked at Ryan, “When the pale rider comes for me, I will welcome him with open arms, and embrace him like an old friend, I will kiss his cheeks. To fear your death, is to fear your life, death will come to everyone. It is as important as your birth, the beginning of your life, death is a part of your life; it is the end of your life. Worrying about your death that will surely come is wasting your life. I have had a good life, and I have danced in many Sun Dances, and I have tried to observe and keep the old ways alive. I am a lucky man, I have lived two lives, I have lived in the land of my father, and his father, I have a strong son, I am a respected man. I have loved, and been loved by many women,” Charlie paused for a moment and looked over at Walter, “Even my wife.”

 

[minsue]

 

[S-Des]

I have sleep apnea. There have been times I woke up in the middle of the night with my heart racing, head pounding and I truly believed I might die before morning. It's better now with my breathing machine, but still scary sometimes. I completely sympathize.