I Yust Go Nuts At Christmas

[Soron]

I YUST GO NUTS AT CHRISTMAS ~ Yogi Yorgeson

Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas
On that yolly holiday
I’ll go in the red like a knucklehead
Cuz I'll squander all my pay.

Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas
Shopping sure drives me berserk
On the day before, I rush in a store
Like a pure bewildered yerk.

I look at nightgowns for my wife
Those black ones trimmed in red
But I won’t know her size and so
She'll get a carpet sweeper instead.

Oh I yust go nuts at Christmas
When each kid hangs up his sock
It's a time for kids to flip their lids
While their papa goes in hock.

On the night before Christmas
It's still in the house
My family is sleeping
So I'm quiet like a mouse.

I look at my watch and midnight is near
I think I'll sneak off for a cold glass of beer
Down at the corner the crowd is so merry
I end up by drinking about 12 Tom & Yerry

I get to bed late and gee whiz how I'm sleeping
When on to my bed those darn kids they come leaping
They sit on my face and they yump on my belly
And I'm quivering all over like a bowl full of yelly.

They scream Merry Christmas, and my poor wife and me
We stumble downstairs and she lights up the tree
My head is exploding, my mouth tastes like a pickle
I step on a skate and fall on a tricycle.

Yust before Christmas dinner I relax to a point
Then relatives start swarming all over the yoint
On Christmas I hug and I kiss my wife's mother
The rest of the year we don't speak to each other.

After dinner my Aunt and my wife's Uncle Louie
Get into an argument; they're both awful screwy
Then all my wife's family say Louie is right
And my goofy relations, they yoin in the fight.

Back in the corner the radio is playing
And over the racket Gabriel Heater is saying
"Peace on earth everybody and good will toward men"
And yust at that moment someone slugs Uncle Ben.

They all run outside whooping so the neighbors will hear
Oh, I'm so glad Merry Christmas comes yust once a year.

Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas
But I still have lots of fun
Yust the same as you, I enyoy it too

Merry Christmas Everyone!

 

[Soron]

Got any more silly songs or poems or stories? Anything but, Grandma Got Run Over..."

Please not that one

 

[Dumpling]

Chuckle,chuckle.
Let me be the first to say " I LIKE IT "
and a Merry Xmas and happy Holidays~~ Hugsss~~~~~

 

[Missingmeds]

Silly man....

HAPPY HOLIDAYS !!!

To everyone...

 

[tonitits]

What about Osama got run over by a reindeer??

http://www.twistedradio.com/show/downloads/osamagot.asp

 

[tonitits]

Chipmunks Roasting On an Open Fire

(Parody of The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire) by Nat King Cole)


Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Hot sauce dripping from their toes
(“Oh! That tickles!”)
Yuletide squirrels fresh filleted by the choir
They poked hot skewers through their nose
(“Ow! Wrong end, ya cowboy!”)
Everybody knows some pepper and a garlic clove
Help to make them seasoned right
Tiny rats with a crisp golden coat
Will really hit the spot tonight

And now when Santa sees his tray
(“Ho ho ho ho ho ho”)
There’ll be some homemade chipmunk jerky for his sleigh
(“Mmmm…Hey, look at that!”)
And every hungry child is gonna spy
To see if chipmunks really sing when they fry
And so I’m brushing on some honey glaze
To keep them crisp and juicy too
Let’s hope they get served many times many ways
Tasty Chipmunks; good food

“On that, Mr. Cole, ”
“Yes, sir, Mr. Seville?”
“Would you mind handing me the barbeque sauce? I am starved!”
”Oh,no problem Dave. Hey listen, you best be havin’ two of those drumsticks, because they’re oh-so tiny and there ain’t much meat upon ‘em”
(“What about animal rights, Dave?”)
“Put a sock in it Melvin”
“You know, for years people said you over-rated hamsters were my meal ticket. Now I guess you could just say you’re my meal!”
“That’s a good one, Dave…I always knew you was the funny one in the group!”
“Damn straight!”

And so I'm offering some recipes
From chipmunk pie to chipmunk stew
I’m not really sad that it ended this way
Furry chipmunks screw you

“Did you hear that Melvin? Melvin? Mellllviiiiin?"
“Why, I’m sorry Dave, did you want Melvin? There’s plenty of Thagadore left though…”

 

[tonitits]

Yellow Snow! Yellow Snow! Yellow Snow!

(Parody of Let it Snow)


Oh, the weather outside was whitening
‘Til the dog did something frightening
He’s got no other place to go
Yellow snow, yellow snow, yellow snow

And he doesn’t show signs of stopping
As he sniffs around his dropping
You see him everywhere you go
In the snow, yellow snow, yellow snow

When he finally goes outside
He’ll be frolicking ‘round in the storm
He’ll be marking our yard with pride
You can tell by the steam that it’s warm

When the snow begins it’s thawing
It reveals those puppy drawings
He’s a frisky little pooch van Gogh
Yellow snow, yellow snow, yellow snow

Come here, Yeller. Come on boy. Good doggie.

Oh, not on Frosty.

He’ll be marking our yard with pride
You can tell by the steam that it’s warm

Well, he’s happy and his tail starts waggin’
But the snowman’s left side is saggin’
There’s a little puddle right below
Yellow snow, yellow snow, yellow snow
Yellow snow, yellow snow

Yellow snow
Little patches of yellow snow
Yellow snow
Little patches of where Fido goes

 

[tonitits]

http://www.twistedradio.com/show/downloads/whitetrash.asp

 

[Arden]

Got any more silly songs or poems or stories? Anything but, Grandma Got Run Over..."

Please not that one

*Snickering* I love being bad...


====================================
Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer
The Beatles
====================================

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

She'd been drinkin' too much egg nog,
And we'd begged her not to go.
But she'd left her medication,
So she stumbled out the door into the snow.

When they found her Christmas mornin',
At the scene of the attack.
There were hoof prints on her forehead,
And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
Walkin' home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Now were all so proud of Grandpa,
He's been takin' this so well.
See him in there watchin' football,
Drinkin' beer and playin' cards with cousin Belle.

It's not Christmas without Grandma.
All the family's dressed in black.
And we just can't help but wonder:
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
Walkin' home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of fig.
And a blue and silver candle,
That would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig.

I've warned all my friends and neighbours.
Better watch out for yourselves."
They should never give a license,
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
Walkin' home from our house, Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

 

[Arden]

Chipmunks Roasting On an Open Fire

(Parody of The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire) by Nat King Cole)


Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Hot sauce dripping from their toes
(“Oh! That tickles!”)
Yuletide squirrels fresh filleted by the choir
They poked hot skewers through their nose
(“Ow! Wrong end, ya cowboy!”)
Everybody knows some pepper and a garlic clove
Help to make them seasoned right
Tiny rats with a crisp golden coat
Will really hit the spot tonight

And now when Santa sees his tray
(“Ho ho ho ho ho ho”)
There’ll be some homemade chipmunk jerky for his sleigh
(“Mmmm…Hey, look at that!”)
And every hungry child is gonna spy
To see if chipmunks really sing when they fry
And so I’m brushing on some honey glaze
To keep them crisp and juicy too
Let’s hope they get served many times many ways
Tasty Chipmunks; good food

“On that, Mr. Cole, ”
“Yes, sir, Mr. Seville?”
“Would you mind handing me the barbeque sauce? I am starved!”
”Oh,no problem Dave. Hey listen, you best be havin’ two of those drumsticks, because they’re oh-so tiny and there ain’t much meat upon ‘em”
(“What about animal rights, Dave?”)
“Put a sock in it Melvin”
“You know, for years people said you over-rated hamsters were my meal ticket. Now I guess you could just say you’re my meal!”
“That’s a good one, Dave…I always knew you was the funny one in the group!”
“Damn straight!”

And so I'm offering some recipes
From chipmunk pie to chipmunk stew
I’m not really sad that it ended this way
Furry chipmunks screw you

“Did you hear that Melvin? Melvin? Mellllviiiiin?"
“Why, I’m sorry Dave, did you want Melvin? There’s plenty of Thagadore left though…”

LMAO!!! I love it, Toni!

 

[Arden]

O KRISPY KREME

(To the Tune of O Tannenbaum)

O Krispy Kreme, O Krispy Kreme
You’re lovely and enticing
O Krispy Kreme, O Krispy Kreme
How beautiful your icing
My palate you do satiate
I’ll order three…No make that eight!
O Krispy Kreme, O Krispy Kreme
You’re lovely and enticing.

O Krispy Kreme, O Krispy Kreme
It’s more than predilection
O Krispy Kreme, O Krispy Kreme
It’s physical addiction
I can’t control my appetite
I long for just another bite
O Krispy Kreme, O Krispy Kreme
You’re lovely and enticing.

O Krispy Kreme, O Krispy Kreme
You’re full of carbohydrates
O Krispy Kreme, O Krispy Kreme
I’ve lost control of my weight
I view the mirror with disgust
Look like a hippopotamus
O Krispy Kreme, O Krispy Kreme
You’re lovely and enticing.

O Krispy Kreme, O Krispy Kreme
I’ve grown beyond proportion
O Krispy Kreme, O Krispy Kreme
My shorts require contortion
Obesity’s my middle name
And I know where to pin the blame
O Krispy Kreme, O Krispy Kreme
You’re lovely and enticing.

 

[Arden]

The Twelve Days of a Redneck Christmas
.
On the first day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
Some parts to a Mustang GT.
.
On the second day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
.
On the third day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
.
On the forth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
.
On the fifth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
.
On the sixth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
.
On the seventh day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
.
On the eighth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
.
On the ninth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
.
On the tenth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
tin of Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
11 rasslin' tickets
tin of Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin' tickets
tin of Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

 

[Arden]

A Redneck Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin'
'Cept a redneck named Taylor.

His first name was Bubba,
Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chin
Was a trickle of spittle.

His socks, they were hung
By the chimney with care,
And therefore there was
A foul stench in the air.

From out in the yard
There came such a noise
That Bubba got scared
And rousted the boys.

There was Rufus, 12;
Jim Bob was 11;
Dud goin' on 10;
Otis was 7.

John, George and Chucky
Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls
So they let them be.

They jumped in their overalls,
No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head,
Then turned with a jerk.

They ran to the gun rack
That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns;
They grabbed them all.

Bubba said to the young'uns,
"Now hesh up y'all!
The last thing we wanna do
Is wake up yer Maw."

Maw was expecting
And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door
Without making a peep.

They all looked around,
And then they all spit.
The young'uns asked Bubba,
"Paw, what is it?"

Bubba just stared;
He could not say a word.
This was just like all of
The stories he'd heard.

It was Santy Claus on the roof,
Darn tootin'
But the boys didn't know;
They was about to start shootin'!

They aimed their shotguns
And nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted
In venison steak.

Bubba hollered out,
"Don't shoot, boys!"
That's Santy Claus
And he's brought us some toys.

The dogs were a-barkin'
And a-raisin' cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted,
And called them by name.

"Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet!
Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater
And Sam and old Joe!"

"Git down from that porch!
Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer,
Or you'll make Santy fall!"

The dogs kept a-barkin'
And wouldn't shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete
Who was only a pup.

Santy opened his bag,
And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most,
But left a few for the boys.

From up on the roof
Santa heaved a great sigh.
Since the guns had been dropped
He just might not die.

He jumped in his sleigh,
Told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble
Santa started to worry.

Just as the reindeer
Got into the air,
The trailer collapsed,
But Bubba didn't care.

He was busy lookin'
At all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him,
And he said to the boys:

"Go check on yer Maw,
Make sure she's all right.
That roof fallin' on her
Could-a hurt just a might."

But Maw was OK,
And the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer;
It looked good as new.

And as for Bubba,
He liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba
Was a pure-in-tee hick!

Bubba had a nice Christmas,
And the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish
A Merry Christmas to you!

 

[Missingmeds]

*Wonders if the redneck got the Mustang put together*

Thanks to everyone, I have really enjoyed these.

 

[alwaysawake]

This is one of my fave "spoof" songs...enjoy! Here is the part that he doesn't 'sing' before the lyrics...

One very familiar type of song is the Christmas carol. Although it is perhaps a bit out of season at this time. However, I'm informed by my "disk jockey" friends - of whom I have none, that in order to get a song popular by Christmas time, you have to start plugging it well in advance. So here goes. It has always seemed to me after all. That Christmas, with its spirit of giving, offers us all a wonderful opportunity each year to reflect on what we all most sincerely and deeply believe in. I refer, of course, to money. And yet none of the Christmas carols that you hear on the radio or in the street, even attempt to capture the true spirit of Christmas as we celebrate it in the United States. That is to say the commercial spirit. So I should like to offer the following Christmas carol for next year, as being perhaps a bit more appropriate.



A Christmas Carol--Tom Lehrer

Christmas time is here, by golly,
Disapproval would be folly,
Deck the halls with hunks of holly,
Fill the cup and don't say "when."
Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens,
Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens,
Even though the prospect sickens,
Brother, here we go again.

On Christmas Day you can't get sore,
Your fellow man you must adore,
There's time to rob him all the more
The other three hundred and sixty-four.

Relations, sparing no expense'll
Send some useless old utensil,
Or a matching pen and pencil.
"Just the thing I need! How nice!"
It doesn't matter how sincere it
Is, nor how heartfelt the spirit,
Sentiment will not endear it,
What's important is the price.

Hark the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
God rest ye merry, merchants,
May you make the Yuletide pay.
Angels we have heard on high
Tell us to go out and buy!

So let the raucous sleigh bells jingle,
Hail our dear old friend Kris Kringle,
Driving his reindeer across the sky.
Don't stand underneath when they fly by.
Actually I did rather well myself, this last Christmas. The nicest present I received was a gift certificate "good at any hospital for a lobotomy". (Rather thoughtful.)

 

[Soron]

What about Osama got run over by a reindeer??

http://www.twistedradio.com/show/downloads/osamagot.asp

LOL
I like the part about the broken antler up his a**, toni. Thank you.

 

[Soron]

Okay, I did this to myself. I can't stop laughing. Thank you all and keep 'em coming. I need to go find some.

Arden darlin'...ready for your Christmas spanking?

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer...indeed

 

[Arden]

http://jokes-humor.itgo.com/christmas/elf.jpg

 

[Arden]

Martha Stewart's Holiday Planning List

December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3 Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7 Debug WindowsNT.

December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11 Lay Faberge egg.

December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13 Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17 Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

 

[Soron]

http://jokes-humor.itgo.com/christmas/elf.jpg

ROFLMAO

 

[Arden]

WEB ADDICTION HOLIDAY SING ALONG!
(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy -- although
My boss let me go --
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter "No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!"
I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!

Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)

 

[Arden]

Southern Wise Men

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

 

[Arden]

How to Tell if You're a Grinch

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name. (5 points)

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply. (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out)

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points)

4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children. (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends. (5 points for each infraction).

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day. (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home. (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party)

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own [Southern California only, others ignore]. (5 points -- nobody but Angelenos are dumb enough to dress a car)

9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).

10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no. (20 points)

(scroll down)



















Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.

20-30: You are just a cheeseball.
30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.
50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.

 

[Arden]

http://jokes-humor.itgo.com/christmas/santa.gif

 

[SecretScribe]

I don't have anything to add ... but damn my sides are hurting from the laughter!