i wrote another poem tonight

[PAUL C]

Exorcising Demons again.

I'm not thinking anymore.

By Paul C.

I'm not thinking anymore.

Not thinking.
Not remembering.

Not planning.
Not giving.

Not hoping.
Not wishing.

Not searching.
Not wanting.

Not loving.

I'm not thinking anymore.

It does no good.
It gives you pain.

I'm not thinking anymore.

She's sitting over there.
With him.

Holding hands.
With him.

Laughing.
With him.

I'm not going to think anymore.

No thinking.
No remembering.

No planning.
No giving.

No hoping.
No wishing.

No searching.
No wanting.

No loving.

I'm not thinking anymore.

 

[Rybka]

Exorcising Demons again.

This seems obvious. The poem appears to be of the broken heart/lost love/spurned lover genre, probably the most common non-erotic topic posted on Lit., and very hard to do in a manner that is novel or has much appeal to anyone who is not also suffering (as we all have at some time) that malaise.

I'm not thinking anymore.
By Paul C.


I'm not thinking anymore.

Not thinking.
Not remembering.

Not planning.
Not giving.

Not hoping.
Not wishing.

Not searching.
Not wanting.

Not loving.

I'm not thinking anymore.

It is also very hard to write an entertaining poem of short lines that all start with the same word. In effect it is a list. (perhaps you could at least sneak a "nor" into a line or two?)

It does no good.
It gives you pain.

How about a rhymed couplet? Maybe something like:
"It gives you pain.
It has no gain."
-Just an example.

I'm not thinking anymore.

Repeating an opening line is very acceptable, but you have to make the following lines in the stanza interesting, related, yet different from the previous stanza(s).

She's sitting over there.
With him.

Holding hands.
With him.

Laughing.
With him.

I'm not going to think anymore.

Here you alter your basic refrain. Perhaps this version should be the theme line throughout the entire poem? I also (and it is personal style) would alter the spacing of the poem, and here I would do something like:
"She's sitting over there.
                                    With him.

Holding hands.
                      Laughing.
                                    With him."
(Spacing is not exact. It is very hard to do on this message board.)

No thinking.
No remembering.

No planning.
No giving.

No hoping.
No wishing.

No searching.
No wanting.

No loving.

I'm not thinking anymore.

Here you repeat the first part changing "Not" to "No" because of the tense change in your theme line, but then you revert to the original line in closing.

I do not want to say that this poem has no value, or that it cannot become of broader appeal to the reading public, but IMHO it would benefit from a major rewrite.
Something I like to do with a new poem is to put it aside for awhile, until the driving emotion of creation has passed, Then go read it objectively as if it were not your own work. If you still like it, and do not wish to change anything, then you are ready for others to read it.

All of the above are just my own thoughts and are offered in the spirit of constructive critique and comment. Please keep writing, and also read the comments of posting poets relating to other poems. That is the way to learn and improve your own skills, both in reading and in composition. - And always remember, that what you like is what is important! (De gustibus non desputandum.)


Regards,                       Rybka

 

[WickedEve]

Rybka, what an excellent and valuable critique.
Paul, I'm sorry for your pain. I too am in a similar boat. I'm going through custody and separation right now, but you won't see much of those painful feelings gutted and splattered in my poems. I just don't want to go there, and the couple of "I'm hurt" poems I attempted were little poetic fingers down my throat. When I have an urge to write a poem, I'll put my intensity into words about something other than "the dog left me and I'm crying bitter tears that are rolling down my..." oh, you get the picture. But this isn't to say you shouldn't write these kind of poems. When your emotions are raw try putting the poem aside until you can be as objective as possible about it. Then try a rewrite with the material you have. You may not use some or any of it, but you'll know where you're going and you'll be more successful getting there.

 

[PAUL C]

Thank you

what a detailed critque. I will take on board what both of you have said. I'm only an occasional dabler in poetry but i will bear all you have said in mind when i next write a poem.

Thanks again.

 

[Guest]

What was that?!!?

something other than "the dog left me and I'm crying bitter tears that are rolling down my..." oh, you get the picture.

Tears are rolling down your WHAT now?!!? Please tell, in detail Okay, okay. Sorry. Can't help it. I'm in a rare mood right now. I think I suddenly sympathize with animals in heat. I should probably been locked in or something.

--Xtaabay

 

[WickedEve]

Down my thighs -- I have a feeling that's the right answer for you right now. lol
I was in the same mood a few days ago. I was wild and insatiable and it was dangerous for me to be loose! I even dug a hole in the backyard and howled at the moon. The neighbors don't even call the police anymore.

 

[Guest]

really?

Down my thighs -- I have a feeling that's the right answer for you right now. lol
I was in the same mood a few days ago. I was wild and insatiable and it was dangerous for me to be loose! I even dug a hole in the backyard and howled at the moon. The neighbors don't even call the police anymore.

Glad I'm not the only one. Must be the time of the year or something.

Xtaabay

 

[karmadog]

Digging holes? Howling at the moon? Meh. Just a day in the life.