I would love some feedback...

[prissymiss]

I would love to get some feedback for my story. It is called To Visit a friend, by Prissymiss. It is a F/F erotic spanking story. Any feedback would be great. I don't mind bad feedback, but if that is what you give me please try to make it constructive. Thanks... prissymiss

Click here for the story

 

[English Lady]

Hi there!


I read your story and these are a few things that jumped out at me.


The words "spank,spanking,spankee, spanked" were over used, In the first paragraph alone there are 5 spank words.


I like the idea of the story and it had the potential to be very erotic, however it read rather like a list and I saw a lack of descriptive writing.



Lillie met me at the airport and we spent the day talking and laughing and just having fun getting to know one another. We talked about spanking and what we each liked, but we did not talk about if Lillie would spank me while I was there. I really enjoyed spending that first day with Lillie, she was allot of fun and she made me feel very comfortable around her.

This paragraph for example would merit from being bulked out with some actual dialogue it would act as a build up to the actualspanking act.


these are the major points i noticed, I didn't notice much in the way of spelling or grammar mistakes and generally i think it was a good effort *S*


I hope my comments help

 

[hiddenself]

Needs a lot of work is the best comment I can give on this one.

First-time meetings between on-line acquaintances have to have some kind of anticipation built-up, some kind of tension to be worth anything. There was no such element in your writeup. As EL pointed out, it read like a list. It was purely descriptive. There was no narrative that would flesh out the emotions and the excitement of the participants. The dialogue was primitive and stilted. All in all, there was nothing to grasp my senses.

The technical aspect was also a problem. I found the writing very sloppy.

Your use of commas instead of periods is quite a problem. For example:
My name is Melissa and my friend Lillie invited me to visit her, I didn't really know what to expect when I went there.
You need a period (or, at least, a semi-colon), not a comma, between those two sentences. There are numerous other instances like this throughout the story.

were onto spanking
I believe the expression is "into"

getting to know one another
is awkward -- "each other" would be better.

We talked about spanking and what we each liked, but we did not talk about if Lillie would spank me
Another awkward construction here.

allot of fun
?

And that's only in the first two paragraphs.

The convention for dialogue is to go to a different line when there's a change in speaker:

She asked me, "Do you want me to slip my finger inside you? Do you want me to play with your hot little clit some more?"

I moaned out, "Yes please Lillie."

But that would still leave the writing very rough. It would be better (but not by much) to write it as

"Do you want me to slip my finger inside you? Do you want me to play with your hot little clit some more?" she asked me.

"Yes please Lillie," I moaned out.

The point is that the exchange lacks color. You're using it as a descriptive tool rather than to give life to the characters and the story.

I tensed up as I felt it and then she lifted it and brought it down hard on my left cheek SSMMMMMAAAACCKKKKK, I yelped at the first swat.
This is one crazy and annoying sentence. Did she yell "smack?" Obviously not.
The consensus of prefessional writers and authors is that the extra letters in "SMACK" is a no-no. First of all, the sound of the spanking is not SMMMAACCKKKK -- it's a simple sharp SMACK. Second, there are only rare instances where such a shortcut is justified and can convey a better picture than a good description. Capitals are also a no-no -- they should be reserved for big emphasis, particularly screaming in dialogue.

Reading others' stories (particularly good ones) can help. Following comments on the boards is also very valuable. Lots of people here have great insights into writing, and writing erotica (or porn) in particular.

hs

 

[prissymiss]

English Lady, thank you very much for your comments. I thought the discription was a little lacking myself. I wrote the story as a very short story for a friend on a spanking site, I only planned to post it on a message board, but I was told I should post it here also. I like the idea of doing this because it should help me improve my writing skills.

I will keep all your ideas in mind the next time I am writing a story.

prissymiss

 

[prissymiss]

hiddenself

i will keep your ideas in mind also. Thanks.

prissymiss