I want to be submissive to my wife...

[Cardinal]

I am probably the stereotype; I am a corporate upper level manager in a large company that wants to be sexually submissive to my wife. I am not into BDSM (unless I am missing the meaning) but want to be sexually submissive to her. I want her to buy me panties and make me wear them while I do chores for her. I want her to tell me what to do in the bedroom and around the house and be rewarded with sexual favors when I complete them. I want to be spanked and teased.
How do I get her to go along with this?

 

[bobsgirl]

I am probably the stereotype; I am a corporate upper level manager in a large company that wants to be sexually submissive to my wife. I am not into BDSM (unless I am missing the meaning) but want to be sexually submissive to her. I want her to buy me panties and make me wear them while I do chores for her. I want her to tell me what to do in the bedroom and around the house and be rewarded with sexual favors when I complete them. I want to be spanked and teased.
How do I get her to go along with this?

Have you talked to her about it?

 

[M's girl]

You must have some sense already if she would go along with this or not. If you are uncertain you can make a joke one day "accidentely" taking underwear of hers from the drawer instead of yours and putting them on.... trying the waters so to speak. I guess if I were her I would have picked up on hints of your desire in this particular case and if I were here I would not find it one bit attractive I'm afraid. For me it would kill all sexual feelings I had about my man.

Hey, I'm being brutally honest here I guess and this is just my opinion and how I (would) feel. Basically I need a man to be a... well.... a man!

I'm not judging because I think if you both turn out to be in to this it's great, really! I'm just warning you to be careful about suggesting things like this. I started by saying I think you should already have some idea about how she would respond. There are other ways (make comments about other people doing this and then notice her reaction) to carefully bring the subject about.
The risk in this is once you've mentioned it you can't take it back. If she likes the idea it's great. If she thinks it's stupid or whatever it will probably change the way she looks at you sexually. It would with me....

Added: the submissive aspect apart from the underwear-stuff would be a different thing for me. There are so many degrees in that and is much easier to slowly implement in your sexlife.

 

[witch_baby]

I assume that she has some idea of what turns you on, what gets you off. What kind of sexual relationship do you have? I mean, do you experiment a lot? Start slowly is my advice (seems that's my advice every single time...). Depending on how open-minded she is/what she's into, this doesn't neccesarily have to be a big deal.

I think beginning by introducing the idea that you'd like to be submissive to her would be fine, if you are willing to 'risk' her dislikeit. Talking about your fantasies can only be a good thing - maybe there's something she's been itching to try out herself, but she's too shy to ask. "I would find it really hot if you'd ...." etc.

I will say this: don't 'confess', 'spring it on her', or tell her everything you want all at once. If she is fairly traditional or submissive herself (or even if she isn't), you don't want to overwhelm her.

I'm assuming from your hesitence that you're scared she'll reject your idea. Just be gentle in the introduction of it - and I think you should make it really clear that you don't want this all the time (unless you do...then it could be a problem). She will most likely feel inadequate and think she either hasn't been a good lover or that you get off on is submission, rather than enjoying sex with her.

I'm a little conflicted here. Your tone and some phrases like 'how do I get her to go along with this?' make me pretty sure you think she won't. Also consider- do you want her doing anything that makes her uncomfortable? This is totally different from her doing something she doesn't find to be much of a turn on (to please you).

PS What about her? What can you do for her?

 

[Bandit58]

I am probably the stereotype; I am a corporate upper level manager in a large company that wants to be sexually submissive to my wife. I am not into BDSM (unless I am missing the meaning) but want to be sexually submissive to her. I want her to buy me panties and make me wear them while I do chores for her. I want her to tell me what to do in the bedroom and around the house and be rewarded with sexual favors when I complete them. I want to be spanked and teased.
How do I get her to go along with this?

Sure sounds like BDSM to me It's about Dominance and submission as well as sadism and masochism - those don't all have to be present to be a BDSM relationship.

Communication is one of the core things in such relationships, as well as trust, honesty and respect. You can't "get" her to do anything she doesn't want to or isn't comfortable with, but you can bring up the idea to her and see what happens. Things like "It would really turn me on if we tried......" or "What do you think about......" might be the way to go.

What about her? What can you do for her?

I know I'd be more receptive to it if I was getting boring household chores done for me A foot massage, bubble bath or a manicure might make it more appealing.

 

[carverII]

You might not want to talk to her quite yet. Try actually being a bit more submissive first. The pedicure and manicure is a wonderful start. But be sure to have her above you, i.e., you kneeling in front of her while giving the manicure or pedicure. Compliment her and treat her as though she is the supreme presence.

Let her control the conversation as much as she will, but convey the idea that you would love for her to take control of this part of your relationship.

 

[Ravin the Poet]

I find it funny how many people run to the internet first before actually talking to their other half.

 

[bobsgirl]

I am probably the stereotype; I am a corporate upper level manager in a large company that wants to be sexually submissive to my wife. I am not into BDSM (unless I am missing the meaning) but want to be sexually submissive to her. I want her to buy me panties and make me wear them while I do chores for her. I want her to tell me what to do in the bedroom and around the house and be rewarded with sexual favors when I complete them. I want to be spanked and teased.
How do I get her to go along with this?

Cardinal, I apologize if I sounded snarky. That wasn't my intention at all.

I can't really add anything to what's been said, but just wanted add my voice to the others in saying talk, talk, talk, and take it slow.

 

[SweetErika]

I find it funny how many people run to the internet first before actually talking to their other half.

I find it funny how critical people can be.

Seriously, Ravin, we don't know if they've talked about it or not, and this is a great place to get ideas from people who generally understand and have been through similar themselves. I've certainly debated on how to bring up certain things to my partners, and often I've used or adapted the approaches and advice I've gotten here at Lit.

Perhaps Cardinal will get some other ideas or useful resources by asking here first. He might also get reinforcement that his kinks are okay and encouragement that will help him communicate with his wife.

It seems to me you've asked for advice here a time or three before going to the horse's mouth as well. Maybe it's not so funny to run to the Internet first after all, eh?

 

[Ravin the Poet]

I find it funny how critical people can be.

Seriously, Ravin, we don't know if they've talked about it or not, and this is a great place to get ideas from people who generally understand and have been through similar themselves. I've certainly debated on how to bring up certain things to my partners, and often I've used or adapted the approaches and advice I've gotten here at Lit.

Perhaps Cardinal will get some other ideas or useful resources by asking here first. He might also get reinforcement that his kinks are okay and encouragement that will help him communicate with his wife.

It seems to me you've asked for advice here a time or three before going to the horse's mouth as well. Maybe it's not so funny to run to the Internet first after all, eh?

Its fine to bounce idea's off people in a form. But really, what other answer is there besides talking to the wife? Just seems like one of those questions that the answer is already there. Plus my questions have not resulted in a simple "talk to her" answer. He wants his wife to command him. How will she know unless he tells her? My questions were about situations and what to do in them, not a simple talk to her.

And believe me, I don't run here. Check my post dates and you will see a nice long gap between my posts and how many times I ask advice. Last time I asked advice was over 8 months ago. I don't run here for anything that I know the answer to, or what it will be.

In sight, my reply was reassurance. Why would someone post a question were the only action is to talk to the wife? Maybe so people know what he does, or maybe to get reassurance. Either way, the answer was clear. And you're calling me critical.

 

[SweetErika]

Its fine to bounce idea's off people in a form. But really, what other answer is there besides talking to the wife? Just seems like one of those questions that the answer is already there.

Re-read the original post, Buddy. Cardinal didn't ask what he should do, he asked how he might talk to and persuade his wife to fulfill his fantasies.

And that makes all of this....

Plus my questions have not resulted in a simple "talk to her" answer. He wants his wife to command him. How will she know unless he tells her? My questions were about situations and what to do in them, not a simple talk to her.

And believe me, I don't run here. Check my post dates and you will see a nice long gap between my posts and how many times I ask advice. Last time I asked advice was over 8 months ago. I don't run here for anything that I know the answer to, or what it will be.

In sight, my reply was reassurance. Why would someone post a question were the only action is to talk to the wife? Maybe so people know what he does, or maybe to get reassurance. Either way, the answer was clear. And you're calling me critical.

... pretty irrelevant since I didn't comment on how frequently you post or what you ask for advice on. I simply pointed out that most of us, including you, ask for advice here at some point, just like Cardinal's done; therefore, there's no basis to criticize him for asking here first.

Changing/taking on new roles in and out of the bedroom can be scary, and as others have pointed out, he'll need to broach the suject delicately. He implied he knows he'll need to discuss it with his wife, and gave the impression he didn't know how exactly to go about that. An analogy would be you wanting to ask a girl out, but starting a thread seeking suggestions on how you might go about asking her. I seriously doubt you'd deem your reply to Cardinal "reassurance" if someone put it in your thread -- it's awfully tough to argue something's helpful or reassuring when it has nothing to do with the question and there's nothing (like a , , or ) to aid the reader in correctly interpreting your tone/intent.


Cardinal, I can't think of anything to add to the great advice you've already received. I'd like to thank you for starting this thread and sharing your fantasies, though; it prompted me to open a dialogue and learn some new things with my spouse last night (I used the "What do you think about...? Do you have any interest in...?" approach). I hope you find a way to talk to and explore at least some of your kinks with your wife.

 

[Chicklet]

I am not into BDSM (unless I am missing the meaning) but want to be sexually submissive to her.

BDSM stands for Bondage/Discipline Dominance/Submission Sado/Masochism.

Bondage is when you tie somebody up. Discipline is enforcing rules. (at least my definition... doesn't necessarily involve pain) Dominance is wanting control. Submission is giving over control. Sadism is enjoying causing another pain. Masochism is enjoying pain.

You're describing D/s. As in the D/s aspect of B/d D/s S/m.

Now, on to your questions

I want her to buy me panties and make me wear them while I do chores for her.

One of the walls I come up against in my relationship is that I want my partner to be the active person in making the decisions of what I wear and what toys we use, etc etc. In the beginning of our relationship I tried to hint this way and that that I wanted him to pick toys out. Everything from whips and paddles and restraints to butt plugs and dildos. You know what happened? Nothing. I got no toys, because he just didn't feel the desire to make those decisions. So, what I ended up doing, because I really truly did want some toys, was to go buy one or another, and bring it to him. He enjoyed using them, he just didn't really care to choose them FOR me. I buy things with him in mind, and he loves them, he just feels indifferent towards choosing them. I don't get the rush of knowing I picked something up he specifically wanted, but the end result of having the toys used on me is fantastic.

Instead of saying you want HER to buy the panties, maybe you need to make that step yourself. Instead of putting the pressure on your wife to go out and choose the things you secretly desire, you might try suggesting the two of you go together, and choose things *together.* If she doesn't want control over that part of your sex life, you're not going to be able to force her to.

Basically, don't pussyfoot around it, and don't try to shove the responsibility of it onto her, because if she wanted to go choose you panties, she probably would have already.

How do I get her to go along with this?

Something everyone is trying to stress is that nothing's going to happen until you discuss it with her. Yes, there's the chance that she's not going to want to do it. But here's a thought... She married you. She loves you. If this is a long term fantasy of yours, she probably has at least a tad bit of an idea that you'd like it.

In my experience, you never get what you want by waiting and hoping for the best. You have to jump off the cliff and hope for the best. There's a chance that she won't want it, but you won't know until you ask, will you?

 

[bobsgirl]

Did Cardinal get lost?

 

[Cardinal]

A lot of Frank advice here thank you. This remains a fantasy for me since I haven't found the right time or place to slowly bring it up.
Thank you to everyone.

 

[DAZZED48]

how to

I want a pair of those panties .Two Ill let my wife have one to.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hi there Cardinal, just thought I'd stop by and throw this link at you, think you might find it interesting.

Incidentally in the linked thread 'vanilla' = 'normal' (hate that word) or non-kinky, mainstream if you will.

Good luck in resolving this with your wife.

 

[jeninflorida]

I am probably the stereotype; I am a corporate upper level manager in a large company that wants to be sexually submissive to my wife. I am not into BDSM (unless I am missing the meaning) but want to be sexually submissive to her. I want her to buy me panties and make me wear them while I do chores for her. I want her to tell me what to do in the bedroom and around the house and be rewarded with sexual favors when I complete them. I want to be spanked and teased.
How do I get her to go along with this?

I think a lot of powerful men think about this, just afraid to admit it (even to himself). this in a way is part of bdsm (in my terms) as you crave a little humiliation and to be submissive. this goes against what most women view as 'man' so not knowing your wife your craving can be a little up hill battle.

the questions for you, how does your wife feel about sex play?
how often does she crave sex?
do you have kids?
do you take your wife out on dates?
how connected does your wife feel to you?

most people miss the basics and just want to jump to hot sex....but money and kids adds a lot of stress to a marriage....and if she works she might not have the time and or energy to do this.

again, i dont know your wife but if all is good between the two of you take an interest in her. take a shower with her, and dont push sex. make sure she knows that your taking her out to dinner that night (and to a nice place - a place she enjoys) and then dress her.

since you said upper managment, i'm going with money is not too tight.

purchase her a new classy dress, sexy and something she will feel comfortable in. if she likes stockings, get them. if she hates stockings (i.e. the elastic is too tight for her) then get her crotchless pantyhose). after your shower, show her your gift. then help her dress. some women love this, some not soo much....

show an interest in the clothing!

you have to go in baby steps or she will freak!