I never get laid. Feeling undesirable or something.

[dethklok666]

I don't get it really. I am not ugly. I wouldn't call myself a catch or anything, but I'm just incredibly unlucky or something. I've never had a girlfriend and I'm 25. I'm starting to feel unwanted. I don't know how to meet people, and I'm losing things to talk about.

I guess I'm rambling. Just looking for advice, or to share similar experiences.

 

[rosco rathbone]

You need to rebrand, man! "Dethklok666" sounds like the name of a killer Satanic alarm klock. If you were the average female, would you be attracted to such a device? Of course not.

 

[fgarvb1]

I don't get it really. I am not ugly. I wouldn't call myself a catch or anything, but I'm just incredibly unlucky or something. I've never had a girlfriend and I'm 25. I'm starting to feel unwanted. I don't know how to meet people, and I'm losing things to talk about.

I guess I'm rambling. Just looking for advice, or to share similar experiences.

Don't worry about it.

Very few of them there lady peoples ever gave me a second look. Then when I was about your age I found myself divorced so I decided to grow a mustache.

Ha!

Suddenly I was a lot more attractive and interesting to them.

I still don't know what that was all about.

 

[NeverWinterNite]

I don't get it really. I am not ugly. I wouldn't call myself a catch or anything, but I'm just incredibly unlucky or something. I've never had a girlfriend and I'm 25. I'm starting to feel unwanted. I don't know how to meet people, and I'm losing things to talk about.

I guess I'm rambling. Just looking for advice, or to share similar experiences.

I have to admit, I never had a boyfriend either and I still don't have one but I have been having fun.

I understand what you're going through because I used to go through it myself. I use the Internet to meet people. I have tried different websites to put myself out there and it seems to be working. Offline, I was real quiet but being on Lit and other sites have changed that in a good way.

I think you should try Meetup.com. There are a lot of great groups for singles in which you can do different activities. You could also try Okcupid, etc.

I think you need to put yourself out there. Don't give up and have faith.

 

[positivetension]

I'm sorry. I know it's hard. The best advice I can give is to just put youself in the situation to meet and interact with people, but try not to worry about it or feel any pressure. It comes to you when you're not looking, but you have to be in a position where it can find you.

There are almost 3.5 billion women in the planet! Make sure you're around some of them so they can get to know you and eventually you'll find a match...I promise a lot of them are single. Girls get lonely, too.

 

[SweetErika]

I don't get it really. I am not ugly. I wouldn't call myself a catch or anything, but I'm just incredibly unlucky or something. I've never had a girlfriend and I'm 25. I'm starting to feel unwanted. I don't know how to meet people, and I'm losing things to talk about.

I guess I'm rambling. Just looking for advice, or to share similar experiences.

If you think of yourself as unlucky and not a catch, you're going to be exactly that in the eyes of most desirable women. Your attitude will go a long way in attracting or repelling friends and lovers.

So, how can you make yourself an interesting, engaging, attractive person? One of your best bets is to do things you're passionate about, and find other activities you could be passionate about. What do you enjoy doing now? What would you like to learn? How could you get involved in your community? How about taking classes, joining some social and activity groups and volunteering for a cause you believe in? You may or may not meet good matches doing these things, but you'll become a more attractive person so you have a shot when the right people come along. You might even make some friends who have friends who would be interested in you.

Meeting people online can be a good avenue to explore, but there's really no substitute for practicing your social skills in person and self-enrichment.

Do you have any good female friends you could ask for advice on making yourself more of a catch? Most women are happy to give constructive feedback and tips.

 

[welkin]

Seconding Erika. Investing some time in a variety of interests will
- let you meet new people (depending on the interest)
- facilitate a conversation
- likely give you some new knowledge (e.g. interesting trivia) with which you can impress a girl
- allow you to come up with better date ideas than a dinner or a movie
- take your mind off girls so you are happier in general
- make you seem less desperate (can't stress this one enough. Sorry guys but my default assumption when I meet a guy who doesn't do anything in his free time other than drinking / movies / restaurants / some ambiguous form of "hanging out with friends" is that he's a loser.)

 

[dethklok666]

Well, I do try to go out, but obviously money is an issue with just about everyone these days. I usually go to a bar my friends go to on Thursdays for karaoke. I met a girl I really clicked with (or at least I thought) and she gave me her number. We exchanged a few texts, and then it just sort of stopped. I feel like I've been ignored completely. Or maybe she lost her phone - I don't know. But it's been like a month since we last had any contact. Perhaps I'm just lingering and should move on.

Just about every girl I'm interested in ends up either having a boyfriend, or is just not interested. When I hear my friends talking about all the girls they end up with - I'm wondering what makes me so bad. I see more character flaws in them than I do myself - and I like to think I'm pretty honest about my defects.

Thanks for the replies though! Maybe I'll try that meetup thing.

 

[positivetension]

I met a girl I really clicked with (or at least I thought) and she gave me her number. We exchanged a few texts, and then it just sort of stopped. I feel like I've been ignored completely. Or maybe she lost her phone - I don't know. But it's been like a month since we last had any contact. Perhaps I'm just lingering and should move on.

Move on, don't be discouraged...it's just part of the process. You met someone you clicked with, she just turned out to be a flake. Now find the ones like her that aren't flakes

 

[Eilan]

Just about every girl I'm interested in ends up either having a boyfriend, or is just not interested. When I hear my friends talking about all the girls they end up with - I'm wondering what makes me so bad. I see more character flaws in them than I do myself - and I like to think I'm pretty honest about my defects.

Maybe your friends are full of shit and blowing hot air to make themselves feel better.

 

[fire_breeze]

Well, I do try to go out, but obviously money is an issue with just about everyone these days. I usually go to a bar my friends go to on Thursdays for karaoke. I met a girl I really clicked with (or at least I thought) and she gave me her number. We exchanged a few texts, and then it just sort of stopped. I feel like I've been ignored completely. Or maybe she lost her phone - I don't know. But it's been like a month since we last had any contact. Perhaps I'm just lingering and should move on.

Just about every girl I'm interested in ends up either having a boyfriend, or is just not interested. When I hear my friends talking about all the girls they end up with - I'm wondering what makes me so bad. I see more character flaws in them than I do myself - and I like to think I'm pretty honest about my defects.

Thanks for the replies though! Maybe I'll try that meetup thing.

You can do fun and interesting stuff without spending a lot of money, especially if you live in or near a city of size. Festivals, for example. Go to the fair. Comic-con (and yes, plenty of XX chromosomes go there. I used to go to them all the time). Bookstores. The pool. Rollerblading at the park. Look in your local paper to see what's going on, and go. Or join a club/charity that peaks your interest. A friend of mine is a great calligrapher and had trouble attracting women until he figured out (okay, until a friend of mine and I banged his head) that when he talks and does calligraphy, he stands out. Now he has trouble finding time to go on all these dates.

What kind of girl are you hitting on? The ones you have something in common or the one who you think is hot but have a zero connection to?

If a girl gives you her number, it's a good indication that she is, on some level, interested. Maybe not in the romantic sense, but perhaps in getting to know you better. If you exchanged a few texts, and they flowed, then you could have asked her to meet up for a coffee or refreshing beverage.

If you focus on what's wrong with you, you'll come off as a pretty negative person. It's one thing to acknowledge your less than admirable qualities, and realise that sometimes they can creep up, and it's entirely another to fixate on them. What is your strongest quality? Maybe you can make people laugh better than Russell Peters. Maybe you have a killer memory. Whatever it is that YOU'RE good at, play it up and find confidence in that. Reeking of desperation and focusing on getting laid rarely works. Being interesting and interested, even if you and a potential partner are looking for a one night stand, will get you considerably farther.

And I'm there with Elaine. It sounds like your friends are full of shit.

 

[CWatson]

You're so down on yourself, man.

Here's a hint: we use cues and labels to make judgments on value. We look for information that tells us whether an object is worth anything (since, more often than not, we really can't make an objective judgment). For instance, it's a known heuristic that, in our age of currency, we use price tags to determine quality. A whiskey brand, Chivas Regal, was having enormous trouble turning a profit. They changed just one thing and their sales increased by 100%. The thing they changed? Doubled their price tag.

In the same way, men and women look at you and can tell that the price tag you carry around inside your head is low. In the absence of other information, they assume that you've priced yourself accurately and are not worth much. They turn away. Mistake? Yes... both theirs and yours. But you can't change them, only yourself. Sad fact, but true.

So change yourself. Double your mental price tag. It can't hurt.

(And once you've done it, tell me how you did it, 'cuz I'm in the same fucking boat. )

 

[dethklok666]

See that's the thing though - I'm pretty sure I go about with a relatively positive attitude. I don't think people get the impression that I'm really depressed or anything. I mean, I'm fun to be around. I can hold a conversation (usually).

I think I exaggerated the amount of girls my friends get, but compared to mine it's still more. My one friend is probably stretching the truth, but the other one I don't doubt. Either way, I just feel lonely a lot of the time and sometimes I wonder if there is that other person out there, and if they are - are they even anywhere close to here?

 

[Run19]

The question I would ask is: does “fun to be around” mean that you use self-deprecating humor? Because if you do, you must stop! No woman wants stroll along the avenue with Mr. Butt of Jokes.

“honest about my defects.” You don’t have defects anymore. From now on you have interesting quirks and sexy eccentricities.

Stop considering the encounters you have with woman failures if you don’t date and/or sleep with them. If you spend a few seconds flirting with a stranger, enjoy it for what it is and consider it a victory.

And I leave you with a quote. “If you dress the part, you can play the part.” – Sean Connery.

 

[positivetension]

Stop considering the encounters you have with woman failures if you don’t date and/or sleep with them. If you spend a few seconds flirting with a stranger, enjoy it for what it is and consider it a victory.

I completely agree with this

Take the pressure off, keep it casual, and you become infinitely more approachable.

 

[hatsoff]

Wow, you people are giving great advice. Not really sure if I can complete with with some of these posts. I'll try anyways.

I really think you need to re-evaluate your idea of having a positive attitude. I mean...just look at your last post and what Run19 said for proof of your negative attitude towards yourself. Also, after looking at your last posts, I came to a conclusion.

STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHER PEOPLE! Stop that shit.

Let's just say all of your friends get laid 24/7 by the most beautiful women in the world. Who fucking cares? Their private life is not your private life. So, don't worry about it. Ask yourself what your goal is and work for it. Exclude what other people are telling you about how many women you should have fucked by your age and instead just focus on what YOU want in life (Not what others think you want in life).

So, if your goal is to get laid soon, then you know what you have to do. Try, try, and try again to get laid. Use some advice from people in this thread, research on relationships by yourself, or go out there and try to find a woman you can have sex with right now. Once you start actually trying to achieve your goal, you'll finally be able to start making some progress. And the harder you try, the more progress you'll make. Then, before you know it, you'll be cock deep in vagina! Also, DON'T think of this goal as something shallow. If it is something that you want in your life and you aren't hurting anyone in the process, then their is no problem.

Think about something that you're already good at. Were you always good at it? Hell no. You sucked at it at first. But you were enthusiastic about trying to get better. So, you moved your frustrations aside and you got your ass in gear. Same thing with trying to get laid. Just work your ass off and get your goals out of your dreams and into reality.

Btw though, REALLY make sure you play it safe. Use a condom and make sure the woman you bed is STD free.

 

[subwannabe]

You have gotten some good advice. I think your problem is complex, meaning there are several different areas you need to address. Make some of the adjustments that others have already noted. As a second to their advice I would just like to say that you need to get in a different frame of mind, competition wise - meaning don't make getting laid a competition you are losing. I didn't really have your problems when I was younger but I didn't lose my virginity until I was 25. It is difficult when your hormones are flowing and your friends are all "scoring" and you aren't. It really bummed me out quite a bit but looking back on it I find my penis really missed out on a lot of fun I could have had but my brain tells me just how lucky I really was. Several of my friends had unwanted and unexpected babies, some got married and some didn't, all that did got divorced. I knew others who got STD's. I actually knew one guy who had 4 kids with 4 different women and had to pay child support to all four. You may be beating yourself up over your predicament but the positive side is that you may actually be better off in the long run.

 

[SpecialKay62]

Maybe your friends are full of shit and blowing hot air to make themselves feel better.

Totally agree with this statement!!

Elian...this has got to be the creepiest AV I've ever seen! LOL EEEEWWWWWWW!!!I

 

[shiny5437]

At risk of hijacking the thread but I find myself in a similar situation to the OP and whilst the advice is generally sound there is a certain area not really covered. I'm not sure what to call it, it's sort of like a 'sexual edge'.

On paper I think that I'm a decent catch and I've worked hard on overcoming shyness and developing a varied social life.

Recently I've started internet dating and have been out on about half a dozen dates. However I've never been able to get past the first date. In general things seem to go okay. The conversation flows okay, varying it between light hearted as well as trying to get to know each other better. People seem to feel at ease. The general feedback though is that the other person has had a nice time but not interested in meeting up again.

The impression I'm always left with is that whilst the date has been pleasant it has been dreadfully platonic. It oftens feels more like 2 friends having a chat rather than something that may go somewhere.

I'm not expecting to be leaping into bed with them after a first date but to get anywhere surely there has to be inkling of 'sexual tension'?

The best way to describe it is like being socially colour blind. Everything else works but there's just something missing.

Any ideas any one? Does that ring a bell Dethklok666 ?

 

[Eilan]

Elian...this has got to be the creepiest AV I've ever seen! LOL EEEEWWWWWWW!!!I

And it's not even the creepiest av in my collection!

 

[NippleMuncher]

And it's not even the creepiest av in my collection!

If that's you, that's fucking HOT!

 

[dethklok666]

I don't know, perhaps I'm working towards the wrong people. I'm not sure if it's just my awful taste in women, or my idiotic nervousness whenever I end up talking to someone I like. Or perhaps part of the problem is I seem to like just about any cute girl who is willing to talk to me (is that wrong though? )

Maybe I just need to meet someone I feel comfortable with. I guess I need someone who is willing to make the first move - because I have no idea when to. It sort of sucks that we live in a culture that still emphasizes "the man should ask first." Granted that's not always the way, but let's face it, we're still a masculine-minded society for the most part.

Shiny> Internet dating means what exactly? Are you chatting online, or actually meeting up in person? I mean, talking online can be a good start, I suppose, but, I can't see myself not actually "knowing" the person until I meet.

 

[Mac98]

Don't worry about it.

Very few of them there lady peoples ever gave me a second look. Then when I was about your age I found myself divorced so I decided to grow a mustache.

Ha!

Suddenly I was a lot more attractive and interesting to them.

I still don't know what that was all about.

That is SOOOOO badass!!!


OP: If I've learned ONE thing in this life, in regards to social networking, it's that A) The vibe people will get from you has EVERYTHING to do with your self-confidence (or lack thereof).

and B) Don't go out with the hopes of meeting someone. You'll meet people when you're not trying to or not necessarily looking to. And like someone has mentioned before, don't have a goal in mind. If you end up flirting with a girl and it doesn't go beyond that, then just nod your head, pat yourself on the back and move on. IMPORTANT: Keep having fun that night or day or whenever it is you go out.

It may sound supernatural and all, but I know this with certainty. Men will LOVE a girl with self confidence and girls will throw themselves at men with self-confidence (not to be confused with conceitedness or arrogance).

 

[welkin]

On paper I think that I'm a decent catch and I've worked hard on overcoming shyness and developing a varied social life.

Recently I've started internet dating and have been out on about half a dozen dates. However I've never been able to get past the first date. In general things seem to go okay. The conversation flows okay, varying it between light hearted as well as trying to get to know each other better. People seem to feel at ease. The general feedback though is that the other person has had a nice time but not interested in meeting up again.

That sounds a lot like the date I had last week, as you described, "things seem to go okay", but by the end of the date, I didn't want to see the guy again. Why? Because he kept committing minor faux-pas that aren't so serious that I would get upset right on the date, but serious enough that I kept deducting points the whole night that put him in the red so to speak in my book. In other words, "things seem to go okay" can be very deceptive.

Minor things that went wrong with my date that guys should keep in mind (though have to throw in the obligatory disclaimer that all girls are different):

- he talked too much. Yes normally you want to keep conversation going, but don't make it look like you're trying too hard. Know that you don't have to fill in every minute with words (especially true if the date is a meal, enjoy the food!). And chances are, under the pressure, you'll just end up grasping for straws and spewing out nonsense. Silence (even if you're just looking at the girl and smiling) is better than lame, forced conversation.

- the topics weren't interesting to me and he didn't realize it. For example, he started talking about sports, which I know nothing about. If we had recorded that part of the conversation, one'd notice that it's him talking 90% of the time with the occasional polite "ah I see" "oh really" thrown in by me. Be considerate and attentive to your date, know when to change the topic if she is not actively engaging in the conversation. (Note: knowing nothing about a topic doesn't necessarily equate not being interested, sometimes it's good to show off expertise in an area, so do not rule the topic out just because the girl said she doesn't know much about it. Paying close attention to your date's response will let you know which case it is.)

- cellphone usage. While he was talking about sports, he pulled out his cell phone and started checking latest scores! BAD! No matter how cool your date seems to be with it, DON'T DO THIS! Just for contrast, I was having dinner with a different guy, and he made a point to silence his cellphone as we sat down in the restaurant. He didn't have to do that and I did not expect that, but needless to say, I was impressed.

- too many compliments. I think this might depend on the girl... but nonetheless, in general too many compliments will make you look deliberate / desperate to make a good impression, which is almost always bad. And if it's the first date, you probably don't even know the girl very well, so how can your compliments be sincere? One or two heartfelt compliments regarding specifics about the girl can work great, but generic, overly eager compliments do more harm than good in my opinion.

- now here is the cardinal sin that alone would strike out the guy: speaking ill of his ex's. On a first date, DO NOT mention your ex's unless your date asks, and never say anything but kind words about them. You will NOT get any sympathy or understanding for how terribly your ex's have treated you and this is why you're still single. Talking smack about your ex's will only make you look immature, petty, and untrustworthy. It makes us question your taste / judgment of people if your ex's were truly that bad, as well as wonder if you'll be spreading malice about us should we have a fall out.

...

I'm sure there are other first-date crimes, perhaps others would like to add more? And while these seem like the obvious things to do or not to do, my date (30 yr old) violated all of them. So yyyyeah, keep these things in mind. (I guess this post turned into a personal rant...)

 

[subwannabe]

Great post Welkin. That may help some. That really was an outstanding point of view. I went out with a girl once through a dating service. That seemed to go ok but I really don't remember what happened after that. My main point there was that she had told me the last guy she had gone out with had pulled a gun out of the glove compartment of his car and had told her that that's how he kept his ex in line. That was their first and last date.