I need to talk frankly about my situation...

[Lizzie_Borden]

I'm not sure I understand why a woman's lack of orgasm would cause her partner to not enjoy the sex.... Unless the partner is the kind to feel all guilty and worried when the woman isn't enjoying it.... But it doesn't sound like that is the issue here.

It's less about feeling guilty he didn't make her cum, and more about his own prowess and ego, or just plain believing that everyone *must* orgasm to be enjoying themselves, I think.

That being said, I know not everyone is the same, and I'm probably being cynical, but that's what I've found.

 

[ataxia.girl]

As someone who very very seldom orgasms, I think I'd be devastated if my partner said that my lack of orgasming was leading to his sexual dissatisfaction.

your husband sounds like he has some major issues of his own going on. which is the nice way of saying I think he's acting like a prick.

Been there myself. Just divorced him

 

[Tyr51]

I'm sorry it's taken me a few days. I am so grateful for what has been posted here (and for the PMs). My work schedule is nuts, and I'm managing a large Convention in 5 days. My timing in asking for advice couldn't be worse when it comes to my actually having time to respond. Everyone who has posted or messaged me.. thank you for taking the time to do it. It truly means a lot, even when I am horrible with follow up.

I have no doubt that I put this thread in the correct forum. You have all given me measured and thoughtful responses. It means a great deal.



To answer some questions brought up...
Yes, I am on Zoloft. I first started recognizing depression symptoms around 12 years ago. I went to a GP. We tried Welbutrin, and Celexa, and one other that I honestly cannot remember. It did not work out well. It honestly may have been my age. At that time, there was no warning for young people taking this kind of medication, and it was given in high doses without a lot of thought. I just know I went from being desperately unhappy to having thoughts I knew were not mine and were definately not welcome. I stopped the meds immediately, called a good friend, stayed with him and waited until it passed. That kind of experience is very scary for many reasons. In and of itself, it is frightening. Having that experience because you are trying to avail yourself of drugs that change your brain chemistry (hopefully) for the better? It's unfortunate, and it is tough. Consequently, I did not look for professional assistance for a good 8 or 9 years after that. Feeling bad was better than feeling hopeless.

Skipping over the long story that interests no one, yes... I am currently taking zoloft. We worked up on it slowly. I have gone through cognative behavioral therapy. Honestly, as far as my own mental health is concerned, I have not felt as good since I was a teenager. I also take klonopin on (rare) occasion if I deal with anxiety..... but honestly, the power behind that pill is more knowing I have it if I need it than actually using it.

I have spoken to my doctor about the sexual issues. A lot.
But if I have to choose between feeling normal and feeling sexy? I'm going for normal. It doesn't matter how sexy I feel.... if I am crying all the time only because I feel bad, sex is kind of an impossibility anyways. This is the lesser choice of evils, I think.

Yes. So.

My husband is remarkable man. He is several years younger, but I forget this fact pretty much unless I am pointing it out in situations like this one. He is one year from getting his PhD. I was laid off recently (my job was moved to another country), and he is doing his damndest to support us while I try to find work. He is sensitive, and he is very open to discussing his thoughts and feelings. A lot. We talk about it a lot.

We had another talk last night.

I've insisted on a condom since we've been married (2 years, nearly). I mean, I know why. In the early 90's I was that rare breed of kid who was both a virgin and a peer AIDS educator (and whoa boy, yes.... information has changed a LOT since then). There is still a huge part of me that is kind of afraid of having sex without a condom. It doesn't help that my family history is full of babies born while the Mother was on the pill. But he made a point. He didn't expect to get married and have to have sex with his wife using a condom. Fair enough. So, as of last night, I started trusting in my pill. I wish I were not so nervous. I feel silly. I wish I didn't, but it is a stressor.

It's 5:30 in the morning, which means my post here is pretty much worthless. I shouldn't bother posting and just get my very sleepy behind to bed. Our talks..... He still feels that sex once a day is not only ok, but necessary to his happiness. I feel strange because I find myself hovering, waiting for him to have a break in his studies. I feel like I can't settle down to do anything for a length of time until we have sex. And, damnit, I'm sore (he has a lot of staying power and needs vigorous stimulation).

I would like to post that I don't know what to do. But that isn't true. I do. I Just don't know how I can integrate that functionally into my life, or how I can best accomidate it. And I, fundamentally, hate the idea of having to "accomidate" sex. But not meeting his needs for sex apparently equates not meeting his emotional needs for intimacy. I am confused, more than anything, as to why this makes me sad.

Anyhow.... thank you. It means a lot to know that I am not asking for an unreasonable amount of sex. I think that was what concerned me the most at this point. We'll work through our deals, but I needed to know if I was ok or in far Left Field. I feel better now. Thank you for giving me validation.

*hugs*

 

[seela]

He still feels that sex once a day is not only ok, but necessary to his happiness. I feel strange because I find myself hovering, waiting for him to have a break in his studies. I feel like I can't settle down to do anything for a length of time until we have sex. And, damnit, I'm sore (he has a lot of staying power and needs vigorous stimulation).

I would like to post that I don't know what to do. But that isn't true. I do. I Just don't know how I can integrate that functionally into my life, or how I can best accomidate it. And I, fundamentally, hate the idea of having to "accomidate" sex. But not meeting his needs for sex apparently equates not meeting his emotional needs for intimacy. I am confused, more than anything, as to why this makes me sad.

Intimacy doesn't necessarily have to equate sex. Even if your husband is on the less experienced side, I think it's important that he learns to differentiate between the two. Does he want intimacy every day or preferably many times a day or does he want sex? Is sex the only way of feeling intimacy for him? If it is, it might be time to learn some new tricks.

A frank question: does he masturbate? My experience has been, that some guys expect a relationship to end their need to ever masturbate again and instead want their partner to get them off three times a day. If it's just a sexual release he's after, masturbation is definitely an option and I hope he knows that as well. And if you're often merely accommodating sex, giving your body to his use and not really enjoying what you two do, is it really an intimate connection?

I'm sorry, but he doesn't seem to be caring a lot about how you feel about sex and sexuality. Have you considered showing your husband what you have written here? Not necessarily what other people have responded, but your own words, because I think you have written very eloquently and clearly about your thoughts and feelings. Maybe your husband will understand your situation better, if he sees it in writing. Sometimes writing can seem more tangible than hearing words.

And him forcing to ditch the condoms... I understand where he's coming from, but it's clearly making you uncomfortable. You're already accommodating his sexual needs, so I think it's not reasonable to add that extra level of stress for you.

I'm really sorry for your situation! *hugs*

 

[Primalex]

I would like to post that I don't know what to do. But that isn't true. I do.

Are you sure?


I'll quote yourself now from another thread:

No relationship should make you feel like crap.

Relationships are hard and will not always be sunshine and roses. But if you have to ask "should I feel like crap?" than it might be time to re-examine things, don't you think?

 

[Netzach]

" But not meeting his needs for sex apparently equates not meeting his emotional needs for intimacy. I am confused, more than anything, as to why this makes me sad. "

That's called an issue. HIS issue. I know because I've been the partner with the sexual desire the other one couldn't/wouldn't meet. Know what? It was MY issue, not his. It was MY bag of shit to "work on" as they say. If he has to be re-assured of your emotional connection by daily condomless PIV sex, maybe you aren't the one with "issues."

Maybe he needs to learn how to masturbate and hear your ways of letting him know you are on his side.

I'm in agreement with Primalex. You're going to twist yourself in every possible contortion and blame yourself and shoulder every problem as your own if you proceed like this. You already decided to go unwrapped because it's stressing HIM and so your stress is less important. You've made that clear, and you actually are convincing yourself of that too.

 

[Sir Victor]

You know that I noticed you some time ago on here and I have to say that you are such a lovely young lady - I really hope this all works out for the two of you. But let me ask is he on here, has he read your "Short and Sweet" story? If not why not spice things up with some play similar to your story and perhaps the eroticism will bring him closer to the edge faster so that you can bring him over more quickly in your mouth, between your breasts, or whatever as an alternative to the usual. It might be a good distraction from it all and satisfy his daily need with something that is also enjoyable for you.

I had a gf that tried and needed an SSRI so I read a book about them and at least according to that book there were times where 1-2 years was enough on the SSRI to relieve the depression and they did not need them anymore. Not sure how true this is has your Doc said anything like it? Also, some have a very long half life so that if you skip one daily dose, especially after you're feeling in a good state of mind, there is enough in your system to get you through one day where you can orgasm freely, but then of course go right back on the next day. Obviously, ask your doctor if this is possible and advised with what you are taking since I'm not a doctor.

There is a lot on the web about it: http://www.depressionny.com/q&a-sexualse.htm

 

[IrisAlthea]

It's 5:30 in the morning, which means my post here is pretty much worthless. I shouldn't bother posting and just get my very sleepy behind to bed. Our talks..... He still feels that sex once a day is not only ok, but necessary to his happiness. I feel strange because I find myself hovering, waiting for him to have a break in his studies. I feel like I can't settle down to do anything for a length of time until we have sex. And, damnit, I'm sore (he has a lot of staying power and needs vigorous stimulation).

I would like to post that I don't know what to do. But that isn't true. I do. I Just don't know how I can integrate that functionally into my life, or how I can best accomidate it. And I, fundamentally, hate the idea of having to "accomidate" sex. But not meeting his needs for sex apparently equates not meeting his emotional needs for intimacy. I am confused, more than anything, as to why this makes me sad.

Having read your second post and especially the part I quoted, I can only agree with Primalex and Netzach.
The part i bolded makes me wonder where your happiness comes in to this?

 

[catalina_francisco]

My husband is remarkable man. He is several years younger, but I forget this fact pretty much unless I am pointing it out in situations like this one.

I get the feeling from this you see your age as a negative and possible problem and his as a positive and reason why you should be trying harder. Don't. F is 9 years younger than I am, and regardless the hurdles we have had to face together due to life was not what we thought he signed up for, he has never failed to be there and aso do his best to understand and be supportive in the less than wonderful life moments. His age, as well as his lack of sexual experience could very well be a huge factor in why he is not getting how serious and stressful this issue is and also why he doesn't see it as something he needs to compromise on and be supportive as opposed to critical and demanding.

Catalina

 

[thkdck4u]

Yeah, I dated a girl who occasionally experimented with some anti-depressants, or mood altering medication. I don't recall what it was. If made her super horny, but not able to cum. I know because she was with me when she started, and warned me. I told her, "Fine with me it takes all the pressure off, as soon as I'm done, we are done." (that was a funny joke). Anyway, we did try everything over and over, and I think she came once, but apparently it's pretty normal for some medication to have this side affect.

 

[slavebitch]

I just thought I'd add, I'm on Effexor XR and have been for almost three years now and it definitely has not lowered my sexual appetite at all. If anything, I think it might have helped it, but that might just be because I was not sexually active before I started taking it. Effexor is an SNRI, and for the most part I love it. The only down side to me is it is nearly impossible to stop taking in the future. Also, I'd agree that your husband is ridiculous to expect sex every day. In my opinion, that would take everything out of it that makes it special and amazing. It would become a daily routine, a habit, and I think both of y'all would tire of it, though I could be wrong. It just seems like it could become a bore. And as for anal, I think even once a week is too much. It takes me probably a week to recover from it, and though yes, you would become more accustomed to it and it would hurt less, if you aren't a fan of it but rarely, then you shouldn't do it that often.

It seems like you are trying to do a lot and compromise for your husband and he is not willing to budge on his views, sexually at least. I think bringing in a therapist would be useful as it would give a third party to sit down with y'all and possibly help him see how he is being unrealistic.

 

[marieR19]

It seems like you are trying to do a lot and compromise for your husband and he is not willing to budge on his views, sexually at least. I think bringing in a therapist would be useful as it would give a third party to sit down with y'all and possibly help him see how he is being unrealistic.

Oh yes. Very much.

I'm sure your husband is a wonderful man, and it's obvious you love him and probably feel the need to stick up for him. But the fact of the matter is, no one, not one human being on this earth, *needs* sex once a day (or more!). He wants it and expects it, and seems to think that his wants should be put before your needs. The condom thing is just another example of that. If he knows that you are going through hard times, depressed, etc etc, and his focus is still on sex sex sex... That's an issue. As Netzach pointed out, that's *his* issue. Not something you have to twist yourself and pressure yourself about... Something *he* needs to realize and do something about.

At this point, I think therapy would be a wonderful idea.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I just thought I'd add, I'm on Effexor XR and have been for almost three years now and it definitely has not lowered my sexual appetite at all. If anything, I think it might have helped it, but that might just be because I was not sexually active before I started taking it. Effexor is an SNRI, and for the most part I love it. The only down side to me is it is nearly impossible to stop taking in the future.

I helped my ex when he was coming off Effexor to switch to something else. God, those were cunty times. Far worse than the opiates and alcohol detoxes.

 

[Cattypuss]

A word of caution re. Effexor. I have at some time or other over the last 25 years been on most of the reasonably well-known anti-depressants.

Some have helped with the depression, some haven't, some have affected my ability to orgasm, some haven't, and most of them have had unpleasant initial side effects and very unpleasant withdrawal effects.

But of all of them, Effexor stands alone as -

(a) the drug that made my depression worse so rapidly that I felt like someone else within days and

(b) gave me such bad balance/orientation problems that I couldn't even walk over a paved surface without the patterns formed by the edges of the paving making me fall over and

(c) when I came off it, very gradually, was like coming off any anti-depressant only x100 with devil horns.

I couldn't tell you what it did to my sex drive or orgasmic ability - I was too busy being in hell to even think about sex.

I know several people who will say the same about Effexor - that it stands alone for them amongst anti-depressants as something truly hellish. It is great for some but it seems if it's not great for you then it's likely to be REALLY not great for you.

 

[Netzach]

Having been on zoloft for a short term, but having been around people on other things in the longer term, I'd say that paxil and effexor are some seriously intense meds that I'd be reluctant to hop on (and believe me I'm not an anti med Tom Cruise dildo) - what about lexapro or cymbalta or some of the newer kids on the block? The inserts scared me less, personally - YMMV of course.

Cattypuss just pointed out why it's really important to notice your moods with complete unsparing honesty when you're changing anything or starting anything. Chantix (smoking cessation) almost put M off an overpass in a week. For most people it works perfectly without doing anything like that.

 

[slavebitch]

Having been on zoloft for a short term, but having been around people on other things in the longer term, I'd say that paxil and effexor are some seriously intense meds that I'd be reluctant to hop on (and believe me I'm not an anti med Tom Cruise dildo) - what about lexapro or cymbalta or some of the newer kids on the block? The inserts scared me less, personally - YMMV of course.

Cattypuss just pointed out why it's really important to notice your moods with complete unsparing honesty when you're changing anything or starting anything. Chantix (smoking cessation) almost put M off an overpass in a week. For most people it works perfectly without doing anything like that.

I probably should have added that I'd only recommend Effexor as a last resort choice. But I think my point in mentioning it is that maybe an SNRI would do better, but I'm not sure what other SNRIs there are.

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

what

Stella did a FINE job. The only thing I'd add is to re-emphasize the negotiation, give-and-take, it's-not-a-zero-sum-game deal. Not everybody gets everything they want all the time and if one or both can't deal with that, don't have children.

 

[ataxia.girl]

Lamictal can counteract the SSRI btw as far as orgasm is concerned but only do it for yourself, not for him. Its a mood stabilizer and i swear buy it. i absolutely LOVE it but i take my meds for me and MY mental health.

my orgasms are for me by me. i cannot orgasm being stimulated by someone else. It just aint happening. Daddy is okay with that and after a year of being together i was able to finally masturbate in front of him. i now do it whenever i feel like it and there is absolutely no pressure from him. Sometimes he helps and gets involved and sometimes he just rolls over and goes to sleep.

RE: your partner, His sex issues are HIS.

As far as frequency goes i feel very fortunate Daddy is into rape\reluctance play because if he wasn't we'd probably never have sex