I need to talk frankly about my situation...

[ownedsubgal]

ETA: Not to say that therapy won't help. I just think it's simplistic to say all depression is caused by outside factors, low self-esteem, etc.

i agree with you here completely. i do believe some quality individual and couples therapy is called for in this situation, however primarily for relationship/communication issues, not as a balm for major depression.

 

[Cattypuss]

Agreed that she doesn't need to try birth control. I would like to add that not all depression is caused by outside factors. The very fact that her depression is responding to her medication implies that it's at least partially biochemical. It could be entirely biochemical as far as anyone knows, and therapy might not help that at all.

ETA: Not to say that therapy won't help. I just think it's simplistic to say all depression is caused by outside factors, low self-esteem, etc.

Don't want to hijack the thread but after 30 years of repeated bouts of very severe clinical depression, and being told mine is endogenous, biological and inherited (from my father), I have lately been reading around and trying non-drug routes... and some research indicates that fucked brain chemistry is the result, rather than the cause, of depression.

 

[Netzach]

Don't want to hijack the thread but after 30 years of repeated bouts of very severe clinical depression, and being told mine is endogenous, biological and inherited (from my father), I have lately been reading around and trying non-drug routes... and some research indicates that fucked brain chemistry is the result, rather than the cause, of depression.

There's totally some interesting data on this every minute, it seems. No one quite gets how this works. One of the findings that intrigues me the most is that people with sleep problems may have depression whereas most people think of the depression causing the sleep problems. Not to derail. Sounds like there's a component being covered here with meds - it's easiest to figure out the details when stable, whatever the situation is.

 

[Cattypuss]

it's easiest to figure out the details when stable, whatever the situation is.

I couldn't agree more

 

[BiBunny]

i agree with you here completely. i do believe some quality individual and couples therapy is called for in this situation, however primarily for relationship/communication issues, not as a balm for major depression.

Agreed.

Don't want to hijack the thread but after 30 years of repeated bouts of very severe clinical depression, and being told mine is endogenous, biological and inherited (from my father), I have lately been reading around and trying non-drug routes... and some research indicates that fucked brain chemistry is the result, rather than the cause, of depression.

Yep. It's chicken vs. egg. But the assumption that therapy is going to "cure" the problem while medication only helps the symptoms is erroneous. If there are no underlying self-esteem, stress, coping, etc. issues, there's nothing for therapy to "cure."

/psych major

 

[YourCaptor]

Ok so have you considered the drugs may have given you the ability to realize he’s a jerk and not for you?

Otherwise, from my perspective. (Kinky guy that things sex is pretty important)

As for oral and anal, practice makes perfect. It’s like any new activity, at first it hurts, then your body adapts. Honestly, I think for a sub you’re being a bit too standoffish. Also the way it feels at first is nothing like how it will be with proficiency.

I’m surprised you’re not on the pill already. They work a lot better than condoms, and frankly as a guy (and yes we are concerned with pregnancy issues too, some of us are responsible) I probably wouldn’t do a girl that’s not on the pill. Condoms are a serious gamble, be glad it's worked so far. Pill works better and I still use a condom, layers you know. Are you 100% sure he’s trying to ditch the condom or may he be concerned? Oh and he can cum in your ass too, that's 100% safe.

I do find it weird that his experience is ruined by your lack of orgasm. In my head that does not compute. Are you an active participant in the sex? If your orgasm is so important to him why not fake it. Could even be fun for you.

As for kids. You need to take time to sit down and thoroughly discuss this one directly. It's not something you leave to intuition or potential misinterpretations.

 

[fuckmeat]

Agreed that she doesn't need to try birth control. I would like to add that not all depression is caused by outside factors. The very fact that her depression is responding to her medication implies that it's at least partially biochemical. It could be entirely biochemical as far as anyone knows, and therapy might not help that at all.

ETA: Not to say that therapy won't help. I just think it's simplistic to say all depression is caused by outside factors, low self-esteem, etc.

I get what you're saying here but depression's never purely biochemical in pathology or purely environmental. Both go together like hand in glove. Even if the problem started out as biochemical, it will have had a negative impact on her life that therapy may be able to help Tyr to address and be proactive about managing. If nothing else I think it's always preferable to see whether depression can be managed by therapy rather than meds in the longer term.

 

[subish2009]

I get what you're saying here but depression's never purely biochemical in pathology or purely environmental. Both go together like hand in glove. Even if the problem started out as biochemical, it will have had a negative impact on her life that therapy may be able to help Tyr to address and be proactive about managing. If nothing else I think it's always preferable to see whether depression can be managed by therapy rather than meds in the longer term.

I think that's a fair point. In many cases, it seems as though the person is biochemically predisposed to depression, but environmental factors trigger it. Thus, one often sees "functioning depression" in a person who doesn't ever feel compelled to seek treatment, but a stressful or dysfunctional environmental change can push the person over the edge to a full-blown depression in need of treatment.

I think cognitive therapy can help the person learn to cope with the symptoms of depression, but it's not going to manage the depression alone in MANY cases (not all...I'm sure there are individuals for whom that words very effectively). Talk to a physician. It's a chemical imbalance. Talk therapy can certainly improve life in MANY ways, and it is possible (per research I don't have handy to cite right now) to change brain chemistry to some degree through talk therapy, meditation, diet and exercise, alternative medicines...but there's no conclusive evidence on how much, except that it seems to be not enough for most people without SOME pharmaceutical intervention, which may only be needed short-term.

Where I think talk therapy comes more into play as a GOOD idea is in terms of some sort of couple's therapy. OP, you guys need to get in a room together and talk all this out. You need to tell him what you're feeling and he needs to clarify a whole lotta things.

I agree wholeheartedly with everyone who said TALK TO YOUR PHYSICIAN! Please, give him/her a chance to work with you to try different meds, different dosages. It might be an easy fix. It might take months, though. Every time you try a new med, it needs time to work, to fully take effect, for your body to adjust to it. I started Pristiq when I had PPD. I was very lucky in that it was successful for me immediately, and my sex drive increased as well. A full year later, still on Pristiq, my sex drive went through a second reformation, increasing again to the levels it's at now...levels that sound very similar to your baseline.

I share that not to imply that you'll have the same course if you try Pristiq (that's an SNRI, by the way) or necessarily any antidepressant, but to reinforce the idea that everyone reacts differently to antidepressants, and that it can take TIME. I feel like there are ways I wish your husband were handling this differently, but I don't want to get too judgy about that without knowing his side. I'm not sure you want to hear strangers bashing the man you love. But no, girl, there's NOTHING wrong with you. Your sex drive sounds plenty high to me and his expectations possibly unrealistic. As someone else said, life isn't a porn movie, however much we may sometimes wish it were.

 

[BiBunny]

Therapy is good for what it is, but it is not a substitute for medication.

 

[Cattypuss]

Therapy is good for what it is, but it is not a substitute for medication.

I've been saying that for at least 20 years, based on my own experience.

I'm changing my tune now, again based on my own (recent) experience. For me it was finding the right therapy.

Each to his own, I suppose.

 

[subwannabe]

I'm curious about your past. What was your life like before getting married? You say you have been sexually active for 15 years but got married 2 years ago, about the same time you began taking antidepressants. Sometimes I think doctors and everyone else are too quick to say, "O.K. you're depressed - take some antidepressants!". Were you O.K. before but then all of a sudden you were depressed? Was there an event or events in your life which caused you to be depressed? I wonder if there is some kind of connection somewhere to you being depressed and married at about the same time. I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe if there was some kind of an event that depressed you and you got counseling for it, that maybe the counseling could eventually lead to you getting off antidepressants and then you could have your cake and eat it too!

 

[Etoile]

I will say that SSRIs are notorious for sexual side effects. There are drugs for depression that don't interfere with your sex drive and/or orgasmic ability. (I'm on Wellbutrin, for example; it's not an SSRI, so no problems here.)

Holy shit, seriously? All this time I thought it WAS an SSRI and I was just lucky that it didn't affect my sex drive!! I've been on Wellbutrin for almost 10 years I think. Unfortunately, I've been on Celexa almost that long, because of my severe anxiety disorder. Like it does for many, Celexa kills my ability to orgasm. So the Wellbutrin leaves it alone, but then the Celexa kills it...ah well. I had a good couple of years of non-depression-still-orgasming. The anxiety was just too bad though - needed to get it under control.

My wife and I had to learn that I won't necessarily have an orgasm every time I have sex. We've also learned to do whatever is necessary to make it happen. Most of the time, if I absolutely CANNOT get off, then the Hitachi comes out and that does the trick. Before we figured this out, though, there were a lot of tears from both of us. Me for not "proving" that I loved what she was doing to me, and her for "failing" to make me come. We were both wrong though. Orgasm isn't the required end of sex. Now we just have fun, and if I get to orgasm, great - if not, well, we had fun. (Although like I said, I usually get sexually frustrated that way, so we finish with the vibrator.)

 

[BiBunny]

Holy shit, seriously? All this time I thought it WAS an SSRI and I was just lucky that it didn't affect my sex drive!! I've been on Wellbutrin for almost 10 years I think. Unfortunately, I've been on Celexa almost that long, because of my severe anxiety disorder. Like it does for many, Celexa kills my ability to orgasm. So the Wellbutrin leaves it alone, but then the Celexa kills it...ah well. I had a good couple of years of non-depression-still-orgasming. The anxiety was just too bad though - needed to get it under control.

Yes'm. It's an NDRI, works on norepinephrine and dopamine. It's the only NDRI approved for use in the US. I mine.

 

[ashley2011]

Not to repeat the many good points that others have already made, but I want to stress to the OP that before you even talk to your doctor, you should ask yourself (and I mean yourself, not your husband) whether it is worth switching meds simply for the sake of orgasm. You've found a treatment that works for you, and any kind of change to that can carry risks for your health. If you choose to find out more about non-SSRI options, once again, please be sure to inform yourself on the potential side effects. You may also want to seek a second medical opinion. I used to be on a diabetic medication that killed my orgasms, and my doctor pretty much didn't care and probably also didn't have in-depth knowledge about how the pills affected sex. But it didn't matter anyway because my husband and I saw the situation as an opportunity to create a filthy sex life that wasn't orgasm-centric.

Above all, your well-being takes precedence over your husband's fantasies.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Yes'm. It's an NDRI, works on norepinephrine and dopamine. It's the only NDRI approved for use in the US. I mine.

I love it! It cleared up my chronic fatigue (which had no medical causes that any tests could find) I asked my doctor; "Are sure this isn't just speed?"

Not to repeat the many good points that others have already made, but I want to stress to the OP that before you even talk to your doctor, you should ask yourself (and I mean yourself, not your husband) whether it is worth switching meds simply for the sake of orgasm......


But it didn't matter anyway because my husband and I saw the situation as an opportunity to create a filthy sex life that wasn't orgasm-centric.

For the first, my sex life is pretty central to my identity, so for me-- orgasms is important.

For the second, i am so impressed and interested in your solution! would you be willing to talk about it? Start a new thread, or via PM?

Above all, your well-being takes precedence over your husband's fantasies.

WORD.

 

[rida]

I'm not on any medication and I rarely (ok, never in the last several years) orgasm during sex. I have no problem reaching orgasm on my own or with the help of a vibe, or at time even a dildo, but during sex (intercourse, oral, anal) it has mostly eluded me.

I still enjoy sex a lot, and none of my partner ever accused me of not satisfying them because of it. Nor they have never felt as if they did not satisfy me because of it, and not because they are selfish.

With some of the newer partners (especially younger ones) I let them know in advance so that they do not get frustrated if their mad oral skillz or their never ending stamina do not do the trick. I think I do show enough enjoyment of the whole and nobody ever doubted my word when I said I had fun and was satisfied (and I bet some of the less tuned guys might even believe I did orgasm).

I honestly would not be compatible with someone whose measure of their sexual prowess is causing my orgasm and would want me to feel bad for the way my body is wired.

Now if my lack of orgasm was caused by medication that makes my life better, I would hope that my partner would be not only supporting and understanding, but also reassuring me that I'm not "broken" rather than expressing dissatisfaction.

 

[rktktvi]

A few random thoughts..
** Consult your doctor. I am no physician, but it seems to me that not every medication is going to fit every person the same way. Perhaps there is a different one that can help you feel level without having such an extreme effect on your libido.
** Birth control pills can also stifle your libido. If you're on the pill now, then the combination of meds you're on may be adding up to your orgasm difficulties.
** 4 times a week, with occasional anal and frequent blowjobs... er, and this guy is complaining? You're not a sex toy to be used and tossed under the bed... you're his partner. How often is he willing to let you put it in his ass, I wonder? He needs to be brought down to reality and appreciate you for who you are and what you're willing to do. If you were to compare what you're willing to do to what the wives of his buddies are willing to do... I'm willing to bet that you're giving out quite a bit more.
** Have you found anything that completely turns you on, that he can do? You described well what he's looking for out of you... what might you be looking for out of him, that he can do? While it's easy to criticize him for admitting his thoughts about sex with you... are you hiding your thoughts about sex with him? Communication is a two way street... maybe if he were to read your post, he'd better understand your struggles and help you with them.

Anyway... I really hope you find your way...

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

For the second, i am so impressed and interested in your solution! would you be willing to talk about it? Start a new thread, or via PM?

WORD.

Oh, start a thread please.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Beautiful you! I just had to pop my head in and say... without grinding my teeth too much as I talk... that it simply sounds like you two are just not compatible. Please, claim you body and your life back from someone being very careless with it. If you have found health and vitality then keep doing what you are doing... If you can't meet his needs and they are that critical to HIS health and vitality then set him free to seek it out. Love sometimes comes in odd colors, but it is love just the same.


Rest easy love, that there is not a damn thing wrong with you. HUGE hugs and love to you and to him as you walk through whatever is coming next.

 

[Lady_In_Black]

I've got something to add, hopefully it's valid. I would love for a man to chime in here on this:

I'm 23 (a Pan sexual woman) I've had sex with 9 people, and 5 of those people were virgins (out of the remaining four, 3 had only one partner before me).

Mind you, I cared very deeply for all of them, and still am incredibly fond of several of them, though we are no longer involved. Those 5 gentlemen, with whom things ended amicably with, all had this same way of looking at sex. Lem'me describe it for you, to see if your husband is similar.

Everyone one of them had seen porn, watched x-rated movies, been through high school, had friends that had way more sex then them and were all misguided virgins.

When we were sexualy active with each other, they expressed desires to have constant sex, I'm talking several times a day. Wanted me to engage in three-somes with other women (and them), expected tons of blow jobs. Referred to my "girl parts" by all the terms you hear in porn: "cunt" "hairy twat" all those, not so endearing terms that they thought were "dirty talk".

They expected anal sex, they expected deep throating, they expected me to want to wear insane shoes that hurt my feet (which I do for no man, or woman), that porn stars could wear while running a marathon, wanted me to wear all sorts of costumes, do things in public, expected even more blow jobs, and made any excuse not to go down on me.

Now, each of these boys/men were actually incredibly good boyfriends. Serious. And I will fight people who say other wise. Out of the sex department they were amazing, and none of them pushed anything on me. Ever.

All of these juvenile traits were not because they thought they deserved it, and that I should be giving it to them, willingly and enthusiastically, but because that is just what they thought having a sex life was. Because of all the stupid TV shows where the girl can't wait to drop to her knees. All the porn with huge breasts, foolish shoes and mini-skirt wearing blond pig tails.

I think that the biggest issue with virgins is they have some bizarr-o idea of what sex, and what a sex life consist of. Now, I actually did most of those things I've listed above, and happily so (I cut down on the twat speak and did not let the lack of oral slide (and no threesomes)). I'm not submissive, and even in all of those vanilla relationships, I was "the man" so to speak.

All these silly people just didn't know better. I vowed that if I have sex with another person, they wont be a virgin. The expectations are insane. Maybe if your husband had more partners he would know that he's actually doing better then most married people out there. He just has no experience in a real sex life, beside from you, and no way of knowing this his virgin delusions are just that, delusions.

All perpetrated by 'the man'. 'The man' we call the TV and Porn Industry.

Any way, I don't know if your husband is an ass, or just an idiot like the above, only you can know that. Just do well by yourself, or neither of you will be happy.

And yea, don't go onto birth control with out a long talk with a profesional, of some description. And take him with you. The first time. So he doesn't think it's some conspiracy brought about by you and your doctor working against him.

Cheers!

 

[rekane]

It may not be the OP's circumstance, I think Lady_In_Black has some valid points.

I know there can be unrealistic expectations because of porn. Especially some bdsm stuff.

Slightly off topic, I have found that porn made by women (hetero and lesbian porn, not "girl on girl" but lesbian porn) to have some more realistic, and oh so fucking hot, sex.
I am a big fan.

 

[DVS]

I love it! It cleared up my chronic fatigue (which had no medical causes that any tests could find) I asked my doctor; "Are sure this isn't just speed?"

For the first, my sex life is pretty central to my identity, so for me-- orgasms is important.

For the second, i am so impressed and interested in your solution! would you be willing to talk about it? Start a new thread, or via PM?


WORD.

That's how it affected me. Many anti-depressants had that side effect for me, and it wasn't fun. Paxil was the worst. It was like drinking 15 cups of coffee, and I couldn't counter it with anything. It was nasty stuff. Wellbutrin wasn't as bad, but nearly so. Even Buspar, when I was taking that for years, caused a speedy feeling. Call me strange, but they were very much like speed, and too much of it.

 

[Cattypuss]

I cut down on the twat speak

A little comic gem in the middle of a truly excellent post.

OP - listen to this Lady.

 

[Lady_In_Black]

A little comic gem in the middle of a truly excellent post.

OP - listen to this Lady.

*blushes crimson* Thanks!

Honestly, I just don't like a lot of words that people call vulvas/vaginas. They don't sound really nice. I don't even like pussy, deep down. I've always used what ever term my current partner uses when referring to their genitals. They say dick/cock/penis/jackhammer, I'll use it too. Well, maybe not the latter, as I think you need a special license to use one of those.

But no one will ever say vulva?! I just don't get it.


As to my original post, my main point is that people with limited to no previous sexual experience have no idea about what the reality of sex is. Whether is is your PYL, you pyl or you bone on the side, having only you as a partner means he will have expectations untempered by practical experience. If he is with 7 women who all give him 10 minutes worth of head, he isn't going to be (I hope) as pissy about it by the 7th, or 8th partner.

Sadly there my be no way for him to come to this conclusion at this stage.

 

[marieR19]

I'm reading all of these replies with great interest.... I guess because this is all so different for me.

I'm not sure I understand why a woman's lack of orgasm would cause her partner to not enjoy the sex.... Unless the partner is the kind to feel all guilty and worried when the woman isn't enjoying it.... But it doesn't sound like that is the issue here.

I also am trying to comprehend the "sex every day" thing. I'm well aware that some couples do that... It's just hard for me to wrap my mind around, I guess. I was with my most recent ex for 3 years, and it was going well if we had sex once a week.

I've been on anti-depressants for almost half my life, now, so I definitely understand how they can change things. (Personally, Wellbutrin was horrible for me, but Depakote, Effexor, Lithium, and Prozac have all helped at one point or another). I've always been very straight-forward with potential partners about needing them to be patient and understanding about my bipolar, so it's kind of flabbergasting to me that the OP's husband is reacting this way, in such a seemingly selfish manner.

.... Okay, I don't really have any good advice, but yeah. These responses here are wonderful and spot-on.