i need this to be perfect.

[dmetria]

I want my first to be my last so he has to be perfect for me. I want it to never end. I want to never want anyone else. I want to satisfy him like no one else can, and I want him to do and be everything I need. I fantasize about this everyday.. I read and read and it only gets worse. I feel like I'm going insane. Is this ridiculous to want? Is it unrealistic? Impossible to find, even? If any of you have found that perfect someone, the one who satisfies all of your cravings, please tell me so I can hope.

 

[CutieMouse]

Long list of rhetorical things to think about?

Perfect compared to what? Erotic fiction? Discussions on web forums? A list of personal criteria you've decided on? If the goal is one forever, perfectly perfect relationship, what are you currently doing to enable that dream? What will you bring to the table (so to speak)? Do you have the skills to communicate what "everything I want and need means? How will you adapt if/when those wants and needs change over time?

In my 40s, I have a partner who means the world to me. Not perfect, but comfortably right. But what I need and want in my 40s is nothing like what I thought I needed (or wanted) in my 20s or 30s. Neither of us expect to be "everything" to the other. Neither of us expect "forever". So I'd say yes, it can happen, but what's right (for your own happiness) may not take the path you expect it to.

 

[KoPilot]

I want to say "this is pretty unhealthy and unrealistic", but sometimes first relationships do wind up life-long. I'm in my first, we're married, I'm young, and I'd be lying if I said that I didn't hope one of us will be there at the other's death bed.

But I didn't go looking for this relationship, or any relationship: I didn't care for them. This was a happy accident.

Sounds to me like you have no idea what your perfect man is, or what a healthy, functional relationship even looks like though. If you're not willing to put in work, if you're not willing to suffer being hurt every once in a while, if you can't stand the idea of him not knowing what you want and when you want it so you never have to talk about your feelings, you're going to be sorely disappointed. The first thing you have to learn in a real, working relationship is that neither of you will ever be 100% everything to the other person. Them's the breaks.

The question I would ask you is this: why are you so afraid of a relationship failing that you refuse to acknowledge that it probably will be part of your life at some point?

 

[dmetria]

wow

Long list of rhetorical things to think about?

Perfect compared to what? Erotic fiction? Discussions on web forums? A list of personal criteria you've decided on? If the goal is one forever, perfectly perfect relationship, what are you currently doing to enable that dream? What will you bring to the table (so to speak)? Do you have the skills to communicate what "everything I want and need means? How will you adapt if/when those wants and needs change over time?

In my 40s, I have a partner who means the world to me. Not perfect, but comfortably right. But what I need and want in my 40s is nothing like what I thought I needed (or wanted) in my 20s or 30s. Neither of us expect to be "everything" to the other. Neither of us expect "forever". So I'd say yes, it can happen, but what's right (for your own happiness) may not take the path you expect it to.

Thank you. You have given me a lot to think about.

 

[dmetria]

kopilot

You are wrong about me. Everyone has there own version of perfect, mistakes and the lot are a part of that perfect this is real life. I do know what i want. I'm not afraid of the pain. I just don't want to settle for less than what i want just to have my fantasies realized.
However, thank you for your feed back it is appreciated.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Practice makes perfect, for you as well as him. Practice on a few toads, is my advice.

 

[Netzach]

I want my first to be my last so he has to be perfect for me. I want it to never end. I want to never want anyone else. I want to satisfy him like no one else can, and I want him to do and be everything I need. I fantasize about this everyday.. I read and read and it only gets worse. I feel like I'm going insane. Is this ridiculous to want? Is it unrealistic? Impossible to find, even? If any of you have found that perfect someone, the one who satisfies all of your cravings, please tell me so I can hope.

I found the perfect person for me to go through life with. If you think that means that person will be everything you need, satisfy your every craving, and lead you to never so much as look at another person and daydream, you are setting up a normal mortal man to totally fail and be miserable.

Would you be comfortable if someone expected this of you? Looked at you with such amazingly him-colored glasses that demand "perfect?" You have no idea what's going to happen, how people are going to change and what you're going to need from one day to the next. Why not chill out and wonder more about whether you can find a travel partner for life that you can stand for more than a week?

When one week turns into ten years and you don't really feel like it's been ten years, you're doing good.

 

[dmetria]

I found the perfect person for me to go through life with. If you think that means that person will be everything you need, satisfy your every craving, and lead you to never so much as look at another person and daydream, you are setting up a normal mortal man to totally fail and be miserable.

Would you be comfortable if someone expected this of you? Looked at you with such amazingly him-colored glasses that demand "perfect?" You have no idea what's going to happen, how people are going to change and what you're going to need from one day to the next. Why not chill out and wonder more about whether you can find a travel partner for life that you can stand for more than a week?

When one week turns into ten years and you don't really feel like it's been ten years, you're doing good.

I am a very loyal person. If I found him it would not occur to me to look elsewhere.

 

[dmetria]

Practice makes perfect, for you as well as him. Practice on a few toads, is my advice.

Hahahaa. I'm a little worried the toads might ruin me.

 

[eviledna]

its not that you will never find the perfect one, its more that when you find the right one for you the little imperfections just won't matter anymore. mistakes won't be problems they will become learning experiences. that kind of relationship does exist. i have it with my hubbie soul mate and sometimes master
we have been together 18 years, its not all been laughs and plain sailing but its always been worth it xx

 

[Netzach]

I am a very loyal person. If I found him it would not occur to me to look elsewhere.

That's not loyalty, that's delusional. Loyalty is what you do and they arrangements you make. If you repress your thoughts, if you think "I can't even THINK that" then when you find yourself thinking it you're liable to go and do something stupid instead of saying "ok, people think that, now what?"

 

[dmetria]

its not that you will never find the perfect one, its more that when you find the right one for you the little imperfections just won't matter anymore. mistakes won't be problems they will become learning experiences. that kind of relationship does exist. i have it with my hubbie soul mate and sometimes master
we have been together 18 years, its not all been laughs and plain sailing but its always been worth it xx

that is what it means to me.. just having a hard time finding someone into the same things as me

 

[dmetria]

That's not loyalty, that's delusional. Loyalty is what you do and they arrangements you make. If you repress your thoughts, if you think "I can't even THINK that" then when you find yourself thinking it you're liable to go and do something stupid instead of saying "ok, people think that, now what?"

hmm.. idk i have never thought that before in any relationship.. another person has never been the cause of it ending..

 

[dmetria]

its not that you will never find the perfect one, its more that when you find the right one for you the little imperfections just won't matter anymore. mistakes won't be problems they will become learning experiences. that kind of relationship does exist. i have it with my hubbie soul mate and sometimes master
we have been together 18 years, its not all been laughs and plain sailing but its always been worth it xx

thank you so much. : )

 

[Ropebunny]

Is this ridiculous to want? Is it unrealistic? Impossible to find, even? If any of you have found that perfect someone, the one who satisfies all of your cravings, please tell me so I can hope.

Not ridiculous. Yes, unrealistic. Totally impossible.

I've found a someone, who is nowhere near perfect - but neither am I. I think being with someone that was perfect would probably irreparably shatter my self-esteem...

He doesn't satisfy all my cravings - but he does satisfy enough. Still a work in progress though, with no foreseeable end date.

Perfection in anything is unsustainable. Seeing as though you want a long-lasting relationship maybe perfection isn't what you should be gunning for. Maybe try make a list of what you want in a mate/relationship, then pick out 3/4 and put it in a 'compromise' column. Might make it bit easier to see what qualities are really important must-haves and what are kinda-nice-but-not-deal-breakers.

 

[Stella_Omega]

My marriage lasted 33 years. During that time, we both screwed other people, brought lovers home for each other and broke up two punk bands.
The musical arguments were worst.

Neither of us ever expected us to be all and everything for each other.

 

[dmetria]

Well..i thought people would undstand that perfect is relative. It is an opinion not a fact. basically.. I'm not questioning perfections' reality.. Anyhow it doesn't matter anymore thank you for your lovely posts.. I'm sure they'd be more helpful if I could open up and say what I really mean but I just don't have the courage for that so i talk a big circle.

 

[dmetria]

I know myself and what i want.. Trust me when i say the way i think of perfection is not the way you all think of it.. I guess my mind just works different.

 

[bambikiller]

Having read the comments and your answers before this.
I'm guessing that you are a virgin wanting your love of your life first time to be the best and that you intend to spend the the rest of your life with him.

Hate to break it to you but spending the rest of your life with him might not happen, although it did happen with my parents who have been married for 59 years. It's not the norm in this day and age.
Me I fucked the world before I got married although I thought I would spend eternity with my first love (I thank god that didn't happen).

My first time I came all over her pussy before I even got a chance to put it in.
As Rodney Dangerfield said " I was terrified ther first time I had sex, I was all alone". I can gaurantee you it will not be perfect.
You're in love enjoy it.
If he's a vergin hell he might not even make it in too.
Don't worry about it even if he is more exsperienced than you.
You'll do fine.

 

[LadiLucki7]

For me I constantly state I just want my 1st enter action into the world of bdsm if I ever chose to fully commit to someone to be perfect. Wanting perfection from myself as well as my partner yet knowing its not ideally realistic and I would be waiting forever... maybe one day at least perfection in my eyes.

 

[Oubliette123]

Do you mean your first BDSM session or first time of having sex?

I can only speak for myself, as many people here are involved with people who have more or less experience than themselves.

My partner (D) and myself (S) grew into the BDSM lifestyle together, many years ago. We both had limited experience and the level we are at now, is due to experimenting, communicating, giving and receiving. Our 'to do' list started off as a blank page and has grown, some bits crossed out and bits added all the time.

Its a continuing journey, as any relationship should be. If time and life experience has taught me anything its that those small niggly things that piss you off in life, when compared to the bigger picture, really don't mean diddly squat. Once you learn to see the important things in a relationship, and let go of the unimportant things, then yes...that's a kind of perfection

 

[dmetria]

Amen

yes. bdsm.

 

[CutieMouse]

It *might* be possible to get "BDSM perfection" on the first (and only try), but as I alluded to earlier... Sometimes things aren't how or what you imagine they will be.

My first ever "official BDSM experience" happened after my divorce, with someone who self-ID'd as dominant. He passed muster in every way, I followed all the "rules" for safety, etc, and his philosophy of BDSM was the same as mine.

Awesome, right?

Yes. Except that my only concept of BDSM was from Lit, some books (The New Bottoming Book, etc), and erotica. I *thought* I understood and knew exactly what my first "perfect BDSM experience" would look like...

I discovered that every single thing I swore I wanted, made me snort with derision or roll my eyes. It felt fake. Staged. Pretend. The activities that should have resulted in X... Resulted in Y. I tried a few more times, just to make sure, but the relationship ended.

After that "failure" I let myself stagnate in a long distance/online thing for far longer than was good for me. I was hiding from the challenges of a relationship in the real world. I (again) discovered some of the things I thought I wanted, weren't as rewarding in practice as they were in fantasy.

I tried meeting people at munches, but... Meh. I ignored dating and kink in real life for a while.

And I eventually ended up in a place that feels right. Not perfect, but right. There isn't a single thing from my "perfect BDSM" list (from almost 10 years ago) in my current relationship. The dynamic is subtle (and fluid) enough that a lot of people would probably argue it isn't even D/s; thankfully those people don't matter.

I'm not suggesting you hop into D/s with every Tom, Dick or Jane. I am (gently, I hope) suggesting that there is often a world of difference between education and experience...

 

[Keroin]

I want my first to be my last so he has to be perfect for me. I want it to never end. I want to never want anyone else. I want to satisfy him like no one else can, and I want him to do and be everything I need. I fantasize about this everyday.. I read and read and it only gets worse. I feel like I'm going insane. Is this ridiculous to want? Is it unrealistic? Impossible to find, even? If any of you have found that perfect someone, the one who satisfies all of your cravings, please tell me so I can hope.

What are you reading?

How old are you?

What is your past relationship experience?

What do you specifically want from a BDSM partner in order for things to be perfect? What would that look in real life?

 

[Netzach]

yes. bdsm.

I did too. It was magical and completely less than perfect. I wanted to own him forever and ever, and thank God I don't!

I don't get this. I feel like I bring all of my experiences, from that one to having my ass thrashed a few times by girlfriends and it didn't mean a thing other than some fun, from temp piercing my own arm and almost passing out, to having a grown-ass man pass out on me and I had to get him down off a St. Andrews (I hate those things, they pass people out like crazy) - I feel like ALL of these wild and imperfect experiences enrich my relationship, enrich who I am, and enrich what I bring.

I guess being the Dominant party, you're supposed to be experienced and when you're the submissive everyone wants wide-eyed innocence. They usually want it when they don't have any skill.