I need some advive...

[SweetAngel21]

A little backround on me and my boyfriend.....
I've known him since Elementary school.. (Though I really didnt like him at all back then).. And through friends we started hanging out again and one thing lead to another and now we just celebrated our one year anniversary a few weeks ago. Everything is great between us and I really feel hes "the one". Theres only one thing im really not satisfied with when it comes to our relationship.. Our sex life. I am someone who absolutely loves sex. I'd have sex multiple times a day/ every day if I could. Only problem with that is... Hes not into it that much. Our average the last 4 months has been.. Once a month! Though that one time is amazing.. I cant do this once a month b.s.
I've brought it up to him a few times before but it only leads to arguements. He says its because he just started his new job (He's a mechanic) and hes just beat when he gets home. I totally understand that, really I do, but that still leaves two nights a week that he isn't working right?
I know im not the only one who's ever had to deal with this but I really dont know what to do anymore. Any advice would be really appreciated. With the economy in the toilet... I just cant afford to spend as much on batteries anymore..

 

[SweetErika]

Invest in rechargeable batteries. They're not that much more expensive, and they're cheaper and better for the environment in the long run.

But that's beside the point. Have you asked your bf about being intimate on his days/nights off instead of when he's so tired at the end of a long day of work? And/or did you ask if you could come up with some solutions together? If so, what did he say?

If he is "the one," can you be happy with sex once a month or less for the rest of your life, or will continuing with this plan for decades on end lead to a lot of anger, resentment and two very unhappily partnered people?

 

[subwannabe]

Maybe for now you need to be the one making all the moves. I know what's it like to be tired and not want to have sex but if a gorgeous babe were to seduce the shit out of man, wearing sexy clothes and talking dirty, etc it's hard for any man to resist, no matter how tired you are. You need to be that gorgeous babe seductress wearing a sexy outfit and rape him.

 

[Eritz]

You haven't really detailed what your living arrangements with him are which makes it kind of hard to provide advice in this situation.

 

[elleanor]

How I have taken care of a situation like this in the past was to wake him up with a blow job on weekend mornings.
I wait until about a hour before he gets up (assuming he sleeps in) and scoot down and start with a hand job. He was normally hard from morning wood anyways. It made my job easier and I haven't met a man yet who doesn't like to wake up with his cock in a girl's mouth.
The only downside to this method was he came pretty quick so I 'refined' my skill so I was usually in a 69 position and able to get my morning treat too.

 

[BertrandRussell]

... Everything is great between us and I really feel hes "the one"...

...Our average the last 4 months has been.. Once a month! ...

...I've brought it up to him a few times before but it only leads to arguements...

You say that everything is great between you two, but you can't talk and you can't fuck. It seems there is a lot of info missing here.

As Eritz suggests, tell us about the living arangements. Just you two? Who pays? Is he supporting you? If so, does he resent it?
While you you're at it, a few other possibly relevant questions:
Are you both in good health?
Any kids in the picture?
Drug/drink problems?
Legal problems?
How is the communication otherwise? Is this the only issue that you can't resolve?
You appear to be 21/22. How old is he?
First anniversary of what? Marriage? Exclusive relationship?

 

[scotsmitch2001]

looks like he just wants a fuck buddy

 

[SweetErika]

looks like he just wants a fuck buddy

Are you sure you posted this response in the right thread?

Because this thread is about a woman wanting a lot of sex and her boyfriend only wanting sex once a month. Sex once a month does not a fuckbuddy make in the vast majority of cases.

 

[satindesire]

looks like he just wants a fuck buddy

Are you sure you posted this response in the right thread?

Because this thread is about a woman wanting a lot of sex and her boyfriend only wanting sex once a month. Sex once a month does not a fuckbuddy make in the vast majority of cases.

Yeeaaaahhh...I'm gonna agree with SE here. That was random.

ETA:

I am in the same boat as the OP. My sex drive would be better suited to daily intercourse, but my husband is more suited to...monthly. So, I've made a choice. Do I value our love and close relationship more than I value his penis? I miss having sex frequently, I really, really do. However, I have taken my satisfaction into my own hands (literally) and invested in several very good sex toys. It helps a lot, trust me.

 

[silverwhisper]

sweet angel, if he's tired, that's a pretty serious problem, esp considering you guys are (i'm assuming) young.

you've been together for a year, and it's only the last 4 months that've been like this? how often were you guys intimate prior to that point? does he work a "normal" amount of hours or does he put in overtime? do you guys get a healthy amount of sleep in the evenings?

i'm assuming from your post that you're living together. for how long has that been the case?

ed

 

[GameOnPB]

Yeah i would have to agree with a couple of the other people, just try to seduce him and i think you will be good. Just try to do that on his days off if he gets upset. Both me and my wife work a full time job and have a 4 months old son and we manage to have fun at least twice a week still

 

[SweetAngel21]

Have you asked your bf about being intimate on his days/nights off instead of when he's so tired at the end of a long day of work? And/or did you ask if you could come up with some solutions together? If so, what did he say?

If he is "the one," can you be happy with sex once a month or less for the rest of your life, or will continuing with this plan for decades on end lead to a lot of anger, resentment and two very unhappily partnered people?

Yeah, I brought it up to him a few times in the past.. and it just ends up in arguements for atleast an hour about how tired he is with this new job and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me so sex just isn't as important to him.

And you're 100% right, I dont want to end up resenting him in the long run or worse, end up with us both being unhappy...
Im just hoping things will change I guess, after he gets used to this new job.

 

[SweetAngel21]

You say that everything is great between you two, but you can't talk and you can't fuck. It seems there is a lot of info missing here.

As Eritz suggests, tell us about the living arangements. Just you two? Who pays? Is he supporting you? If so, does he resent it?
While you you're at it, a few other possibly relevant questions:
Are you both in good health?
Any kids in the picture?
Drug/drink problems?
Legal problems?
How is the communication otherwise? Is this the only issue that you can't resolve?
You appear to be 21/22. How old is he?
First anniversary of what? Marriage? Exclusive relationship?

Sorry, I guess I should have elaborated a bit more..
Yeah, we live together renting out a house alone together. We both pay the bills equally, right down the middle.
Yes we are both in good health
No kids in the picture
No drugs or drink problems at all, nor legal problems.
Otherwise the communication is fine. We talk to eachother about everything. He's the one I go to if anything is bothering me and hes the same way with me. This is the only issue we have that we just cant seem to resolve together.
He's 20.
And our first anniversary or an exclusive relationship.

 

[unregistered]

 

[kimbernee]

I suggest you go to ivillage.com and look for the Mismatched Libidos board. This is a common problem and serious (to the person with the higher libido). It's not likely to be temporary and you need to talk to some people who'll give you something other than the stereotypical "put on a negligee" answer.

 

[Windflower]

If you are not satifued with the sex in this relationship right now, based on what you have posted here.... you never will be.
Why settle for less? I'd be out of that relationship faster than I could pack my batteries.
Been there. Done this whole thing. With more than one guy.
He's just not that into sex, or you.
You stay with him, and marry him ... and you'll always want more.
End it so you can find someone who is REALLY that into you and the sex.... and be happy.

 

[SweetErika]

Yeah, I brought it up to him a few times in the past.. and it just ends up in arguements for atleast an hour about how tired he is with this new job and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me so sex just isn't as important to him.

RED FLAG!

And you're 100% right, I dont want to end up resenting him in the long run or worse, end up with us both being unhappy...
Im just hoping things will change I guess, after he gets used to this new job.

Go ahead and wait and see if that happens (and, if it does, if it stays that way long-term).

But in the meantime, don't make a further commitment because there are several big red flags here that don't bode well for engagement, marriage, having a child together, etc. If your values of sex are different (and it sounds like they are - he told you flat-out that it's not so important to him), you're likely going to have major problems. His unwillingness to communicate and seek compromise on this issue is a big concern, too, and may indicate he'll shut down on other large issues in the future.

See how it goes in the next few months to a year, but don't assume he'll change or it'll get better at all.

 

[littlebitshe]

I don't want to make you paranoid.... but is there a chance that he is cheating and getting it somewhere else? Just a thought as this would cause a lack of interest in sex with you.

I would also have to agree with JtohisPB. There are some subjects that when you start discussing them.... your partner automatically gets defensive and the conversation goes no where and results in an argument. Try to approach it differently because it's VERY important that you two discuss this as it's hurting your relationship. If he truly loves you, he won't want that and he will want to do whatever he can to fix this problem.

If you try to approach it differently and get no where, I would suggest that you look at possibly ending the relationship. A relationship needs sex as it's a way to show each other physically your love for one another. It's a very important part of a relationship! Once a month would just not do it for me...

Good Luck, Sweetie!

 

[SweetAngel21]

I don't want to make you paranoid.... but is there a chance that he is cheating and getting it somewhere else?

Im 100% positive that he isn't cheating on me.

 

[guardiaknight]

Ugh.

I'm dealing with a similar situation at the moment. I'm with my old high school sweetheart now, after years of being apart, and although the things we do together are great, once a month is not great.

There are a few different things to consider. If he's not interested, despite knowing that you are, then it's likely something serious. Sometimes it's not enough to have a comfortable life. Everyone wants to get ahead. If he thinks that for all the work he does that he isn't being payed enough/as much as he expected, or if you're making more than him at your job... That can be an issue.
I don't know what type of guy he is, but it can be frustrating when you're struggling so hard to carry your end of things, and your partner seems to handle their end almost effortlessly. Add social stress at work or at home, and you've got yourself a recipe for a libido-less significant other.

There are other possibilities, but those are more serious in a "MOVE ON", sort of fashion. With what I mentioned above, the best thing you can do is get him to talk to you about his work, and find out if there's anything bothering him in general.


If it's not the above, or some sort of chemical imbalance, then there's a small possibility that he's not as attracted to you as he used to be. You're best bet is to concentrate on other possibilities, but keep your eyes open and pay close attention to his body language. It may tell you something that his mouth won't or can't.

 

[quietwoman187]

I have to agree with LB's post. I'm slightly concerned that he's telling you sex isn't that important and using work as an excuse. While that's true, but if you haven't been together that long and you think he isn't cheating on you, perhaps he's having issues with his own sexuality. Also, you guys seem to have gotten into the advanced stages of a relationship (living together, sharing bills) which puts stress on everyone, particularly those at your age. Quick question, do you know how was sexually in past relationships? Again, as you guys are both young, there are flags that are intimating that he just might not be the one -

 

[Cathleen]

If it's possible, perhaps you could give him some time when he gets home to just be -- to relax, shower to feel refreshed and then maybe you could both make some dinner and enjoy each other. Whether that leads to sex then great but creating intimacy in a relationship is far more important and keeps the life in it.

 

[SweetAngel21]

There are a few different things to consider. If he's not interested, despite knowing that you are, then it's likely something serious. Sometimes it's not enough to have a comfortable life. Everyone wants to get ahead. If he thinks that for all the work he does that he isn't being payed enough/as much as he expected, or if you're making more than him at your job... That can be an issue.
I don't know what type of guy he is, but it can be frustrating when you're struggling so hard to carry your end of things, and your partner seems to handle their end almost effortlessly. Add social stress at work or at home, and you've got yourself a recipe for a libido-less significant other.

This pretty much is our situation. He works 40+ hours a week as a mechanic and I work 35-40 as a retail manager and bring home atleast $150 more home a week than he does. We talked about it and he says hes okay with it but im not really sure if thats the case...

 

[SweetAngel21]

Quick question, do you know how was sexually in past relationships? -

He had sex 2 times with one other girl before me.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Yeah, I brought it up to him a few times in the past.. and it just ends up in arguements for atleast an hour about how tired he is with this new job and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me so sex just isn't as important to him.

And you're 100% right, I dont want to end up resenting him in the long run or worse, end up with us both being unhappy...
Im just hoping things will change I guess, after he gets used to this new job.

Hoping things will change is the first step to settling for less than you want, need and deserve. What if things do not change? What timeframe do you have in mind for change? If I had £1 for everyone who comes here saying 'I was hoping things would change' or 'I thought I could change him/her.' I'd be rich by now.

If this is what he said I think he's avoiding the issue. I don't get what wanting to spend his life with you has to do with not having sex. Surely, if he loves you and believes you're the one for him he should find you desirable?

Questions I would ask in your shoes are...

Is there any possibility of a medical problem or emotional issue causing sexual problems? Men who have problems with erections, ejaculation, premature ejaculation or whatever will often swear off sex forever and wish themselves dead before they'll consider dropping their pants in front of a medical professional.

What are his parents or closest parental figures like? Seriously, people learn their earliest lessons about sex and relationships from their parents and these can sometimes cause issues in adulthood. If they're still together, are they affectionate, tactile, loving etc? Are they religious and/or negative about sex in general? Having parents who don't get on well or who are rarely intimate can affect how someone is with their own partner, just as parenting skills are passed through generations.

Is he happy in himself? Depression is the most common cause of loss of libido and cohabiting for the first time is bound to be stressful even if everything's going as well as can be expected. Men sometimes have unrealistic expectations of themselves and get stressed and angry with themselves if they feel their full potential is not being achieved. Only you can know what his worries are likely to be.

Does he have a big fear of pregnancy? Some men just cannot have sex without worrying that the contraception in place might fail. No sex is 100% risk free and sometimes men can get so worried about it that they avoid sex as a result.

The lack of sex in your relationship is probably a symptom of something else, not an issue in and of itself, unrelated to everything else. Try and see if there's anything on his mind that can be resolved. You shouldn't drop your desire for sex or allow him to think it's unimportant but taking the pressure off and focusing on other things for a while may benefit you both.