I need some advice........

[lesliecannon]

Just to give some background... I come from a household that NEVER spoke about sex or sexuality, NEVER showed any public affection etc.
My boyfriend and I have been going out for a little over a year this time, we went out when we were younger, broke up and went our separate ways but he called me every so often over the thirteen yrs. he was married, I never married just went out with one guy. Now we are back together again, more mature about what we want in life.
I am very shy in bed and I do not know how to get out of this rut. I feel like sometimes he wants more but I don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable giving bj's but for him I do, he used to eat me but not lately. I am very consious of my body, I have had 3 kids and have never been able to loose the weight no matter what I have tried, I don't feel sexy ..... you see where I am going? I need help!!

 

[qrayze]

watch a lot of kinky BBW porn *by yourself*

BBW= Big Beautiful Women

I suggest you watch porn to help you get over your sexless past. It can seem shocking at first to see all those naked people...just keep watching it till it seems normal.

I suggest kinky porn to help you get over your sexual shyness. True, porn is not the norm for couples, but the reason it's porn is because it IS men's fantasies. It'll help to have an idea of what your man could be fantasizing about. BTW: the more your mind is on sex, the better!

I suggest BBW porn to help you get over your weight hangups. Every woman is shaped differently and there are LOTS of men who love the boddies of overweight women. Seriously, there are lots of them.

Also what helps if you really aren't into watching porn (even educationally ) is if you read books on the subject. But seriously, porn is faster and much more fun!

sexless past; look for this book, "The Woman's Book of Orgasm" (this book is not illustrated; it is very informational and makes sex and masturbation out to be very normal)

sexual shyness; just about any book detailing (and illustrating!) the "how to" for felatio and various sex positions would work.

weight hanups; really, i don't know if i can recommend a book for this...maybe read the Craigslist personals for Casual Encounters and see how many guys request BBW's?

hope this helps

 

[Lust Engine]

This might sound kind of odd, but if you portray that sense of sexiness and confidence- it'll come forth. If you want to linger on your imperfections (and who doesn't have any?), that's what will be noticed. Be confident. Take charge. Know who you are and know that he's still with you. Confidence is way way sexy- so run with it!

 

[welkin]

If you're worried about not knowing what to do, tell him you're shy but you want him to teach you and corrupt you... Some guys might like that.

But... if I'm reading this correctly, it sounds like you're having some misgivings that he's no longer eating you, and you're afraid this is because of your body? If he's no longer showing interest, there may be some issue (though it's not your body, particularly if you haven't suddenly gained a lot of weight lately). Look outside the bedroom. How is the relationship going in general?

 

[lesliecannon]

I have watched porn and read books. We are both 38 so I know I am going into my "prime" but he works ALL the time and we don't live together(unfortunately). I have sex on my mind ALL the time(works online) but even when I say that I want sex he just says "ok let me get this done." I guess I feel like I am second or third on his list. He is starting a new business online so he has to spend alot of time but lately I have been thinking of having a fling just to get sex. Once or twice a week is not enough!

 

[Maverick_Man]

I have watched porn and read books. We are both 38 so I know I am going into my "prime" but he works ALL the time and we don't live together(unfortunately). I have sex on my mind ALL the time(works online) but even when I say that I want sex he just says "ok let me get this done." I guess I feel like I am second or third on his list. He is starting a new business online so he has to spend alot of time but lately I have been thinking of having a fling just to get sex. Once or twice a week is not enough!

Watch out for those signs, that is what made me end up on here....and its not fun desiring affection that wont come your way...they are dangerous crossroads ! go to a counsellor?

 

[Eilan]

Have you talked to him about any of this?

 

[lesliecannon]

I don't have the money to pay for a counselor, wish I did. I just feel neglected in the sex area. We go eat out just about every day but he always has the phone with him. For instance he came over and spent the night, we laid in bed and watched tv. It was nice but I just finished my "time of the month" so no sex for a week so far and I have told him that I masturbate, I went without any sex for about 10 years between my current man and the last one(he was murdered). But I also told him that it doesn't let him off.

 

[NippleMuncher]

You need to have an open and honest talk with him. You both need to figure out what you BOTH need from the relationship and whether or not you can provide that for each other.

My suspicion is that he's over worked, which is stressing him out and occupying his mind and time. I'm sure there are other issues at play there as well.

On your side of the table there's most certainly lots of baggage (past and present ) that you'll have to decide whether you want to continue to carry or get rid of it and live a happier, healthier life.

 

[subwannabe]

The best thing for you is to talk to a counselor. The next best thing would be to have an open, honest discussion with your boyfriend. This would include confessing to him that you are wanting more out of sex but are too shy and too "inexperienced" to even know exactly what it is you want. Hopefully he will want to take the ball and run with it.

 

[lesliecannon]

The best thing for you is to talk to a counselor. The next best thing would be to have an open, honest discussion with your boyfriend. This would include confessing to him that you are wanting more out of sex but are too shy and too "inexperienced" to even know exactly what it is you want. Hopefully he will want to take the ball and run with it.

I wish I could talk to a counselor but I cant afford one. Unemployed raising 3 boys in a 4 bedroom house by myself..... very financially stretched. I have tried to have that type of conversation but I get so stressed... I am not very comfortable sharing things face to face and I have even tried talking to him over the phone and thru text messages and email.... he paid better attention on email than anything though. It didn't last I think maybe I am so stressed that it is affecting our relationship??? I have no idea.

 

[jmarx20102012]

You might try sending each other some naughty texts or emails. Who knows what it might lead to? It might help your discover fantasies he has and vice versa. Also, feel confident about your body. BBWs are wonderful and make the best lovers.

 

[lesliecannon]

You might try sending each other some naughty texts or emails. Who knows what it might lead to? It might help your discover fantasies he has and vice versa. Also, feel confident about your body. BBWs are wonderful and make the best lovers.

Well, I have sexted him numerous times and he plays along but it never goes anywhere because his phone rings or there is a problem with the server(s) or somebody has a problem and he has to fix it etc.... I have also sent him a pic of my breasts(first time ever doing that) and nothing .... Thank you and I hope one day I will be able to be his BEST ever!!ONE DAY.....It's just frustrating.... I have even taken off my clothes and laid on the bed and he looked at me and asked me what I was doing... I said I wanted him to come spank me because I had been bad. Nothing happened until 6 am.... when he had to wake me up, when HE was ready. It's always when he wants it, not me.

 

[jmarx20102012]

Well, I have sexted him numerous times and he plays along but it never goes anywhere because his phone rings or there is a problem with the server(s) or somebody has a problem and he has to fix it etc.... I have also sent him a pic of my breasts(first time ever doing that) and nothing .... Thank you and I hope one day I will be able to be his BEST ever!!ONE DAY.....It's just frustrating.... I have even taken off my clothes and laid on the bed and he looked at me and asked me what I was doing... I said I wanted him to come spank me because I had been bad. Nothing happened until 6 am.... when he had to wake me up, when HE was ready. It's always when he wants it, not me.

Something sounds wrong here. I probably know less about relationships than anybody, but he seems like he has some issues. Have you asked him if he is cheating or gay?

All my wife has to do is give me a nod and I am jumping her. Actually she is usually the one who is too tired in our relationship. We recently went several weeks with no sex and I was getting really frustrated. I had a naughty dream about her and told her about it. That actually did the trick.

 

[lesliecannon]

Something sounds wrong here. I probably know less about relationships than anybody, but he seems like he has some issues. Have you asked him if he is cheating or gay?

All my wife has to do is give me a nod and I am jumping her. Actually she is usually the one who is too tired in our relationship. We recently went several weeks with no sex and I was getting really frustrated. I had a naughty dream about her and told her about it. That actually did the trick.

I know he is not gay, I went through his phone(BAD on ME!) I found some pics that were NOT me and some girl had texted him, I asked him about him cheating and all he said was " Have I ever cheated on you?"
We went out for about 3 yrs. when we were younger.... no he never cheated on me then.... BUT since then he was married and lived with a girlfriend at the same time...wife was bi.
He keeps asking me to do a 3some with another girl- if it was with another guy ok.. but I don't look at other women like that.

 

[jmarx20102012]

I know he is not gay, I went through his phone(BAD on ME!) I found some pics that were NOT me and some girl had texted him, I asked him about him cheating and all he said was " Have I ever cheated on you?"
We went out for about 3 yrs. when we were younger.... no he never cheated on me then.... BUT since then he was married and lived with a girlfriend at the same time...wife was bi.
He keeps asking me to do a 3some with another girl- if it was with another guy ok.. but I don't look at other women like that.

I bet he is cheating. Maybe with his ex and someone who will do a threesome.

I have even taken off my clothes and laid on the bed and he looked at me and asked me what I was doing... I said I wanted him to come spank me because I had been bad.

Damn that is f-ing sexy. I dont know any red blooded male who would shrug off a sexy naked woman laying across his bed.

 

[lesliecannon]

His ex is in Florida.

 

[jmarx20102012]

His ex is in Florida.

He found someone.

 

[lesliecannon]

He found someone.

I hope not. It's hard enough to go out and find someone when you have 3 kids. I am actually on the phone with him right now!

 

[jmarx20102012]

I hope not. It's hard enough to go out and find someone when you have 3 kids. I am actually on the phone with him right now!

You should tell him the gig is up. He needs to tell you about the other woman.

 

[lesliecannon]

You should tell him the gig is up. He needs to tell you about the other woman.

I think I will go over there one morning and suprise him, I have a key to his house. That way if he does have another woman I will have hard evidence that it is true. I can't always go with my gut, it is wrong sometimes. I guess I am one of those people that has to see it to believe it.

 

[lesliecannon]

You need to have an open and honest talk with him. You both need to figure out what you BOTH need from the relationship and whether or not you can provide that for each other.

My suspicion is that he's over worked, which is stressing him out and occupying his mind and time. I'm sure there are other issues at play there as well.

On your side of the table there's most certainly lots of baggage (past and present ) that you'll have to decide whether you want to continue to carry or get rid of it and live a happier, healthier life.

That would make alot of sense because he works ALL the damn time.... he even dreams about it!!
We both have baggage... my three kids(who are with me).....his three kids(who are with his ex in another state).
Now his situation is VERY complicated, when I think to much on it I get stressed.
I give him massages all over, neck, back, shoulders, legs, feet and his head... he never has to take anything for headaches!
But I have feelings for him.

 

[unlurking]

I know he is not gay, I went through his phone(BAD on ME!) I found some pics that were NOT me and some girl had texted him, I asked him about him cheating and all he said was " Have I ever cheated on you?"
We went out for about 3 yrs. when we were younger.... no he never cheated on me then.... BUT since then he was married and lived with a girlfriend at the same time...wife was bi.
He keeps asking me to do a 3some with another girl- if it was with another guy ok.. but I don't look at other women like that.

He never really gave you a direct answer, he kinda dodged it. When a question like that is answered with another question, then usually something is up.

The pic, guess it kinda depends on what kind of picture it was but it still begs the question of why he is getting pictures from other women.

I know you said you couldn't afford counseling but I know some mental health places will let you pay on a sliding scale according to your income and that is relatively cheap. Their are other ways to seek counseling as well.

 

[erotiquegirl]

He's cheating, honey. When my ex didn't want to touch me for several months, he was cheating. He found someone a little younger. Usually when a man doesn't want any sex, he's cheating. Can be physical but pics from other girls. You're probably looking at his new babe. Lay it on the line. Marriage counseling or divorce. No sense being in a really unhappy marriage. Or, you could have someone on the side. I did to my ex when I could prove he was fucking around on me. Then, it was divorce. His cellphone was a goldmine to my divorce lawyer.

 

[Plainly_Jane]

I'm not sure if your guy is cheating on you or not, but at this point, it's almost irrelevant. He is not treating you as an important part of his daily life. That's the real problem. He is also behaving in a way that makes you question yourself, instead of questioning him. What the hell does he think you are doing if you get naked and lay in the bed waiting for him? What kind of guy asks a stupid question like that? One who either has some sexual problems (maybe he's having trouble in that dept but is too embarrassed to day), or is getting his needs met elsewhere, or just has an extremely low libido.

Your gut is speaking true to you -- but you don't want to believe what it's saying. It's saying - this guy isn't treating me right and I should probably take some big steps back and re-evaluate this whole relationship.

I've been with a guy who put work and everything else before me, and it was extremely frustrating. One day I finally woke up and asked myself why I was willing to be 90% unhappy and only 10% satisfied. Didn't I deserve more than that? Of course I did. I tried to talk to him about it and he got defensive and put the blame on me. Fortunately, I'd had just about enough of that and ended the relationship. It was much better to be alone than it was to be in that relationship feeling so frustrated, unhappy and unsatisfied. If I'm going to have to get myself off, why was I staying with him? If he was always putting me last, why stay with him and accept that? That's what you need to ask yourself. Don't you believe you deserve more than the crumbs he's giving you? (Answer - of course you do).

If you love the guy, then sit him down and tell him that the relationship is on the line and he needs to make some big time changes if he wants to stay with you. You don't need to yell. In fact, calmly telling him like it is will make a greater impact. Tell him you are very unhappy and if the situation doesn't improve, you're willing to try moving on. DO NOT CHEAT ON THE SIDE. Just break up and look for someone new who might make you so much happier.