i need some advice

[AvaAdore]

i'm not sure where to start...

my bf has been sexually abused when he was younger. if you want details, look in the abuse thread in the "how to" forum. i just spent over an hour writing the post and i cant write it all over again. here's the link:

http:/https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=119289&perpage=25&pagenumber=38

he is a very "face your fears" type person. we have always been into bdsm, but not really seriously (though we want to)...we are just beginners at it.

he wants me to take him by force, physically overpower him and restrain and gag him so he cant protest. i said that would be really hard without hurting him, but he says he doesnt mind being hurt. i asked him what he wanted out of it, and he wants to give all control to me. no safe word. he wants to be entirely in my hands.

this is something i've always wanted to do and it turns me on immensely, but i dont know if he wants it for the right reasons. it's such a huge responsibility on my part. if i go through with it i will have to be very careful. ideally i'd like to build up to it.

i would really appreciate any feedback you might have. has anyone gone through anything similar?

 

[catalina_francisco]

All I can offer is it is a form of therapy for some who need to feel a return of their power in some form, or to rewrite the incident in a way which has a safe ending to over rule the memories of their former lived reality. That being said, it is risky and I don't blame you for having questions and overwhelming feelings of responsibility. I would suggest at the lest a lot of talking and exploring until you feel comfortable he is sure of what he wants and you of your ability to control the situation to the best of his interests. That will require an ability to read deeply into his reactions, and feel confident you can handle any issues which may arise during or afterwards. Ideally, it would be great to have professional advice and guidance from someone familiar with this area of abuse, and this type therapy, and also comfortable with your fulfilling his needs.

Catalina

 

[James G 5]

i'm not sure where to start...

my bf has been sexually abused when he was younger

he wants me to take him by force, physically overpower him and restrain and gag him so he cant protest. i said that would be really hard without hurting him, but he says he doesnt mind being hurt. i asked him what he wanted out of it, and he wants to give all control to me. no safe word. he wants to be entirely in my hands.

this is something i've always wanted to do and it turns me on immensely, but i dont know if he wants it for the right reasons. it's such a huge responsibility on my part. if i go through with it i will have to be very careful. ideally i'd like to build up to it.

i would really appreciate any feedback you might have. has anyone gone through anything similar?

Ok....I was with a girl who'd been seriously sexually abused
She flashed back one night during sex and THREW me off her and in to a wall
I am 6' tall and at the time weighed 179 lbs
She was 5'4" and went about 120
In her blind hysteria she summoned up that much hysterical strength and wasn't even close to cogently recognizing me
BDSM (as posters have mentioned here before) is NOT therapy
It can have therapeutic value sometimes, but should NOT be used as the main source for someone with these kind of deep-seated issues.
Trying this kind of scene with someone could have serious risks of harm for you...HE might not be afraid of you hurting him, but have you considered the possibility of him snapping & hurting YOU without meaning to?
I would say he needs to have gone thru some serious therapy & dealt with a lot of this before you even consider such a scene.

James~

 

[Pure]

I tend to agree with James. You just can't tell what you're dealing with. While the re-anactment of abuse in a controlled way, might be empowering, you can't assume that.

To which I would add, as in several threads, including the currect rape fantasy thread, realize you're dealing with a fantasy.

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=207229

When push comes to shove, you don't know how 'real' force, 'real' ball gag, 'real' bruising or pain will go down. It might not be so erotic as he imagines. My view would be to approach his _actual_ limits through graded experiments, not just--in accord with his fantasy-- throw him into the deep end.

J.

 

[NCShin]

Here is my thing on this entire thing...

First, we'll talk about what he did to you. In my mind he's now raped you twice.

The first time when you said you didn't want to have sex yet he entered you. "A few thrusts" and stopping is rape just as much as if he'd done it until he orgasmed.

The second time was when he had permission to enter you, but then you told him to stop. (by safewording) A woman has the right to stop sex at any time during the encounter. (as does the guy, but I figure it's pretty rare a guy wants to stop)

So, he's been abused, he's raped you twice. If this doesn't set off a few red flags for you, then let me throw them up for you.

This guy needs help. The type of help that you cannot give him. Even if you were trained to do so, being personally involved prohibits it. Demand that he gets professional help.

If I was you, I'd likely never see him again. Surely not until he got help and even then only to support him in his efforts to recover from the damage that was done to him as a child. I would never engage in any form of BDSM with him, especially as a bottom, but even as a top since there are some real issues that he needs to deal with.

The short of it is, make sure he sees a professional. Don't see him again until he does.

 

[sifer]

In total agreement

You are not in a safe place!!

Your BF needs serios help. He needs to deal with the past constructively before he trys to play games in the present.

The mind can do some real fuck jobs on a person.

I know I have some isuse from the past some sexual and non violent, some violent and non sexual. My mind will go places from boath at varios times. I have to be aware of wich is haunting me to keep my wife safe. Your boy freind has to be able to distinctly keep the pressent and the past divided.

Sometimes I feel I need the kinks from my past to be satisfied.

Sometimes I need to step back and keep my distance so a combative reaction will not cause harm to the ones I care about. I have come close to hurting them because my mind was back in harms way.

I can not emagine reenacting a violent / abuseve encounter and being able to keep them sepparated.

I am not shure that if it were me I would partisipate in a scene with him ever because of this. Violation off SSC rules is a bad thing.

I hope for you the best, be careful.
Sifer

 

[hurtme]

I was violently raped when i was 16...for years I had random flashbacks...there were certian things sexually i couldn't do...or have done to me because I had built up this wall where even the though of it would send me into a panic.
I realized that i had serious issues that needed to be dealt with concerning that experience...and the for me personally, therepy doesn't work, it never has...I can't open up enough to a stranger...I need to fix the problem myself. So anyways, I realized that i started having intense rape fantasies...as in the no safeword kind of way...I think the reason is...if i can change the way I look at the incident, if I can somehow connect it with something pleasureable, something that doesn't end with me in an emergency room but instead in his arms with lots of aftercare feeling safe and secure...then it won't haunt me, i will be able to move on...*shrug* I didn't read any of the links....so as far as the abuse he may or may not be inflicting on you i really can't comment...if he is a complete nut then disregard what i just wrote and take my advice...don't play games with crazy people...you never know where they are hiding the butcher knife...

 

[AvaAdore]

I realized that i had serious issues that needed to be dealt with concerning that experience...and the for me personally, therepy doesn't work, it never has...I can't open up enough to a stranger...I need to fix the problem myself. So anyways, I realized that i started having intense rape fantasies...as in the no safeword kind of way...I think the reason is...if i can change the way I look at the incident, if I can somehow connect it with something pleasureable, something that doesn't end with me in an emergency room but instead in his arms with lots of aftercare feeling safe and secure...then it won't haunt me, i will be able to move on...*shrug* I didn't read any of the links....so as far as the abuse he may or may not be inflicting on you i really can't comment...if he is a complete nut then disregard what i just wrote and take my advice...don't play games with crazy people...you never know where they are hiding the butcher knife...

that is exactly what he said he wants to get out of it, and what catalina said. he also finds it hard to open up to random strangers that are therapists. he knows it's risky and he is willing to take the risk. i certainly wont do it until i am sure enough of myself to make it a good experience.

he is not a psycho, but he has problems. we have been together for over a year, and the relationship is overall a happy one. sometimes i wonder why, but i really think that keeping the relationship together is worth it.

yes, in effect he has raped me twice. it was not physically forced. i could have very easily gotten myself out of the situation. in the second instance i was not physically restrained. i do not feel intimidated by him in the slightest. we are of pretty much the same height and build. he is a bit stronger than i am, but i do taekwon do and could very easily kick his ass, so to speak.

NCshin, he is one of my best friends. we do nearly everything together. i dont feel threatened by him in any way. i think the last thing he needs is to be ditched. i have considered a number of times breaking it off until he sorts himself out, but i dont want to. partially because i dont think it will help, and partially because i want to be with him!

btw, what are SCC rules?

 

[Kajira Callista]

Im seeing it as he trusts you to help him through whatever he needs to work thru, he knows you can help. Maybe a suggestion that he seek therapy and a promise that you will go with him and stay by his side while he releases whatver is eating away at him. And then keep your promise. Once its dealt with (just a suggestion) use the rape fantasy as a reward for him being strong and seeking the help he needs?

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: Re: i need some advice

... I would say he needs to have gone thru some serious therapy & dealt with a lot of this before you even consider such a scene.

James~

James is right. I am not sure there is anyone here who is equipped or capable of giving you advice regarding your/his situation.

A professional therapist might do you both some good.

 

[Pure]

Now Kajira, that's downright clever!

J.

 

[sifer]

AvaAdore

That is SSC

Safe
#1 rule: for some people this includes some things that are on the edge (blood play, branding, etc) but they did not start there.

Sane:
Dont do scenes with people that do not have controle of themselves

Consentual
Play acting is one thing real rape is another.

___

If you continue with him go slow, test waters, have a safe word for you!!!! Baby steps. Stop if you feel uncomfortable. Make sure he can and will stop (test it).

I still dont like the Idea but I have not met him or you.

Sifer

 

[Kajira Callista]

Now Kajira, that's downright clever!

J.

Thanks

 

[Netzach]

If you aren't ready to do it, if you aren't comfortable doing it, you are in no way in a position to do it.

To pull off this kind of scenario, you can't have a single doubt left in your mind. You have to be ready for anything, and personally...

if I don't know. KNOW for a fact, know without a shadow of a doubt that the person has been working on this in some way, if the person can't articulate what may and may not happen what kinds of things are triggers, and what they expect to happen, if I can't get a sense of reassurance that they have a handle on their motives and have a logical reasoning behind expectations of anything positive coming out of it, we don't go there.

I have had people convince me that their interest in something I found problematic or taboo or potientally unhealthy was OK. But they had done a lot of thinking, growth, development and work, often with therapy sometimes without, but still were taking care of themselves.

Using a person as your catharsis without any regard for them and what they might get out of the situation is not right.

 

[sifer]

Kajira

Please understand that those of us that have responded do not intend to tell you how to live your life. Most simply want to help you continue living a happy healthy life.

Be certain that you are ready for each step and that he is as well.

Sifer

 

[AvaAdore]

thank you all for your advice.

i think that he thinks that doing this will be some sort of magic quick-fix. i dont think it can ever be.

i have to agree with all of you who said that therapy is needed...he just needs to find some form of it that is effective. that i can help him with. the more i think about it, the more i realize that i alone cant help him.

 

[sifer]

(with a big sigh of releif)

AvaAdor

You must have a good head on your sholders.

I am sure many of us would continue to try and help with any requested advice or atleast tell you we don't know.

There are a variaty of types counsuling services availible in most areas. Also a Psychologist in my opinion is a lot better than a Psochiatrist to work with. Ther is a definate differance. He may just have to look a little harder to find the help he requires. A strong supportive friend/lover is always a godsend.

I do hope for you and your lover the best.

Sifer

 

[AvaAdore]

(with a big sigh of releif)

AvaAdor

You must have a good head on your sholders.

I am sure many of us would continue to try and help with any requested advice or atleast tell you we don't know.

There are a variaty of types counsuling services availible in most areas. Also a Psychologist in my opinion is a lot better than a Psochiatrist to work with. Ther is a definate differance. He may just have to look a little harder to find the help he requires. A strong supportive friend/lover is always a godsend.

I do hope for you and your lover the best.

Sifer

thanks

 

[Pure]

Sifer: //Also a Psychologist in my opinion is a lot better than a Psychiatrist to work with. Ther is a definite differance. //

And you Ava might consider someone who is neither, but experienced in rape/abuse cases, or 'alternate lifestyles'. Someone who talks (many psychiatrists are just prescribing drugs and monitoring). Papers on the wall do not a good counsellor make. (Though there may be insurance advantages.)

J.