I need help learning to dominate

[Mistress_Sheli]

I think it's nonsense.

Everything we humans do is "fake" from the urethane sponge soles of our shoes to the glossy dyed, permed, extension'd hair on our head.

We eat with forks, we learn foreign languages, we change our careers during our midlife crisises, we wear pink polyester if we feel like it.

Some of us even change our sex.

Of course someone can learn to dominate, if they want to learn that.

Mostly, its a matter of giving oneself permission.

Though I do see your point, I do disagree with it. The key here is "if they want to learn that" Unless the desire to dominateis innate, why would anyone "want to learn that" (to dominate)--except for the obvious--a sub being pressured into "learning it."

Speaking for myself, I was born with it. I do not even remember my first thoughts of domination; they have always been part of me. And I have joyfully tormented cocks since I was old enough to get them hard!

 

[Mistress_Sheli]

Again... Totally disagree.

I can actually be a rather kick ass Domme; unfortunately, it leaves me cold. The fact that it doesn't really do anything for me sexually doesn't negate the fact that I understand the motivations, needs and desires of the person who chooses to submit [to me], and craft a situation to meet those needs. In a detached sort of way it's kinda cool... Like I said though- doesn't do anything for me. Does a more clinical than erotic motivation make me any less "real"?

It makes you a very skilled actress.

I have red hair. I was born with it. Would dying my hair make me any less a redhead?

I stand by my theory. If it were so easy, everyone could do it. I do agree that a new dominatrix has to learn things, but the DESIRE to learn, the DESIRE to be a domme is innate.

 

[Mistress_Sheli]

Again... Totally disagree.

I can actually be a rather kick ass Domme; unfortunately, it leaves me cold. The fact that it doesn't really do anything for me sexually doesn't negate the fact that I understand the motivations, needs and desires of the person who chooses to submit [to me], and craft a situation to meet those needs. In a detached sort of way it's kinda cool... Like I said though- doesn't do anything for me. Does a more clinical than erotic motivation make me any less "real"?

Hey everyone, thanks for the replies and for the book recommendations. I appreciate all comments, both good and bad, though I must admit I'm a little disheartened by the several that say "once a slave always a slave". I very much want to be a good mistress and please him (yes I realize that's such a sub thing to say, like I said it's ingrained pretty far), so I'm hoping to find some way to at least pretend to be one. Also, he has read some of these posts and was wondering if there was any advice anyone can give him about how to deal with a mistress who isn't aggressive enough, like any way for him to perhaps bring that out. If you can help that would be greatly appreciated as well please. And thanks again everyone for your comments.

Don't be discouraged. Although I believe being a Domme is innate and therefore some people will never be a TRUE Domme, I also believe that you can learn to act if you want to. In the interest of protecting your own conscience and feelings, it should be discussed between the two of you and acknowledged that during a scene YOU ARE AN ACTRESS and do not mean any harm. That should free YOU from your fears of hurting him and make you much less likely to ask him if he is ok.

That said, I would like to readdress your earlier post. You said something to the effect that you felt bad hitting or slapping him. For some reason, I assumed you meant in the face (my memory fails me) Well, might I suggest tying his legs apart and using a whip on his balls and asshole instead? This is a much more erotic punishment, it still stings and it is less personal than hitting in the face, or even a body slap or hit. Hitting or slapping with one's hands is very personal. One thing I like to do is make my sub shave all pubic hair from his ass, balls and ball sac as I do not like anything to interfere with the sting of my whip. CAUTION!!! If you use this idea, take care to use a short flogger or something (I have even used a leather shoe string) that you can control easily. Do not hit the balls too hard.

The most important thing is this: DO NOT EVER SACRIFICE WHO YOU ARE! If you are uncomfortable with this to the point it makes you feel guilty or bad or wrong, do not do it.

I hope this helps you

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

ohgod, you said Twue Domme.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

... some people will never be a TRUE Domme....

ohgod, you said Twue Domme.

Worse... she all-capped Twue.

 

[Mistress_Sheli]

ohgod, you said Twue Domme.

Why yes, yes I did. A TRUE Domme, not the "toy store variety" that is so common nowadays that She could be found anywhere. Look beyond Barbie
And your point is?

 

[CutieMouse]

Though I do see your point, I do disagree with it. The key here is "if they want to learn that" Unless the desire to dominateis innate, why would anyone "want to learn that" (to dominate)--except for the obvious--a sub being pressured into "learning it."

Speaking for myself, I was born with it. I do not even remember my first thoughts of domination; they have always been part of me. And I have joyfully tormented cocks since I was old enough to get them hard!

Maybe someone wants to learn out of curiosity. Maybe they want to learn to better understand a dominant mindset. Maybe they want to learn out of love for their partner.

Question - do you believe the same re: submission? As in "Why would anyone want to learn that [submission] -- except for the obvious-- they were pressured into learning it."?

It makes you a very skilled actress.

I have red hair. I was born with it. Would dying my hair make me any less a redhead?

I stand by my theory. If it were so easy, everyone could do it. I do agree that a new dominatrix has to learn things, but the DESIRE to learn, the DESIRE to be a domme is innate.

Funny, I have red hair; I wasn't born with it. Even though I'm always honest about the fact that I wasn't born with red hair, everyone who's ever met me describes me as the redheaded librarian chick - just as they would if it were natural.

And being a PYL* isn't all that dammed difficult, really. I suppose it is [from a technical/safety aspect] if one desires to do suspension work, sounding, etc, but there's a mountains worth of stuff one can do with a willing pyl* partner that takes little more than an attentive and creative mind.... and an attentive and creative mind is not the exclusive property of the PYL Universe. LOL

*PYL - Pick Your Label (Dominant, Top, Master)
*pyl - pick your label (submissive, bottom, slave)

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

And your point is?

That you're being pretentious?

But hey, if it works for you, kudos.

 

[Duncan1981]

Don't be discouraged. Although I believe being a Domme is innate and therefore some people will never be a TRUE Domme, I also believe that you can learn to act if you want to. In the interest of protecting your own conscience and feelings, it should be discussed between the two of you and acknowledged that during a scene YOU ARE AN ACTRESS and do not mean any harm. That should free YOU from your fears of hurting him and make you much less likely to ask him if he is ok.

That said, I would like to readdress your earlier post. You said something to the effect that you felt bad hitting or slapping him. For some reason, I assumed you meant in the face (my memory fails me) Well, might I suggest tying his legs apart and using a whip on his balls and asshole instead? This is a much more erotic punishment, it still stings and it is less personal than hitting in the face, or even a body slap or hit. Hitting or slapping with one's hands is very personal. One thing I like to do is make my sub shave all pubic hair from his ass, balls and ball sac as I do not like anything to interfere with the sting of my whip. CAUTION!!! If you use this idea, take care to use a short flogger or something (I have even used a leather shoe string) that you can control easily. Do not hit the balls too hard.

The most important thing is this: DO NOT EVER SACRIFICE WHO YOU ARE! If you are uncomfortable with this to the point it makes you feel guilty or bad or wrong, do not do it.

I hope this helps you

Beautiful post... you spoke the words I could not.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Why yes, yes I did. A TRUE Domme, not the "toy store variety" that is so common nowadays that She could be found anywhere. Look beyond Barbie
And your point is?

Given your number of posts and join date, you aren't aware of the bias here toward "true" Dom/me, sub, whatever. It is the consensus of the majority of the long-term denizens of the forum that people using that particular adjective in regard to dominance, submission, etc., mostly consider themselves to have and know the one and only right way to do WIITWD, and that all other people's performance is "untrue" and therefore beneath them. On the other hand, those same denizens generally feel that each person's or couple's or triad's dynamic is - or should be - what is best for them, and therefore "true whatever-hood" for them.

It's just a trigger word, but one that folks new to *this* community might want to beware of.

 

[Duncan1981]

Given your number of posts and join date, you aren't aware of the bias here toward "true" Dom/me, sub, whatever. It is the consensus of the majority of the long-term denizens of the forum that people using that particular adjective in regard to dominance, submission, etc., mostly consider themselves to have and know the one and only right way to do WIITWD, and that all other people's performance is "untrue" and therefore beneath them. On the other hand, those same denizens generally feel that each person's or couple's or triad's dynamic is - or should be - what is best for them, and therefore "true whatever-hood" for them.

It's just a trigger word, but one that folks new to *this* community might want to beware of.

I would like to thank you for this as I am new and I myself did not catch this. However it is my understanding that bdsm is different for each person and how they understand it will not match other's views. I have been Domming/Master since the age of 12... True these early years had no experience and even then I did not understand what I was doing at nsethe time but hey again my view.

The older members here may wish to cut us "newbies" some slack if they do indeed wish the site to grow. I know from experience that we are very much set in our ways and when new one's come and start rambling on our territory its an automatic move for defense. But remember you may have time to change their views or help them see a better way, but only if they stick around.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I would like to thank you for this as I am new and I myself did not catch this. However it is my understanding that bdsm is different for each person and how they understand it will not match other's views. I have been Domming/Master since the age of 12... True these early years had no experience and even then I did not understand what I was doing at nsethe time but hey again my view.

The older members here may wish to cut us "newbies" some slack if they do indeed wish the site to grow. I know from experience that we are very much set in our ways and when new one's come and start rambling on our territory its an automatic move for defense. But remember you may have time to change their views or help them see a better way, but only if they stick around.

Would you go to a munch, walk up to a group of people and immediately start sprouting off about your own awesomeness?

No, you'd watch, observe the group, the lay of the land, how things function, and then you'd join in.

It's the same here. Cos we're still a group of people. If you storm in and start acting like a twat, you'll get shot down. If you take the time to get to know the group you're trying to be a part of, you'll get along much better.

And yes, bdsm is different for everyone. But if you're offering advice and opinions, you need to cleary state that they are such, or use a tone that makes it obvious. If you go *telling* people things, and acting like it's your way or the highway, and getting defensive when people disagree with you, then you're not going to be very happy.

 

[Duncan1981]

Would you go to a munch, walk up to a group of people and immediately start sprouting off about your own awesomeness?

No, you'd watch, observe the group, the lay of the land, how things function, and then you'd join in.

It's the same here. Cos we're still a group of people. If you storm in and start acting like a twat, you'll get shot down. If you take the time to get to know the group you're trying to be a part of, you'll get along much better.

And yes, bdsm is different for everyone. But if you're offering advice and opinions, you need to cleary state that they are such, or use a tone that makes it obvious. If you go *telling* people things, and acting like it's your way or the highway, and getting defensive when people disagree with you, then you're not going to be very happy.

A tone in txt I would need to see this done to understand. And yes when I walk into a group of people I make it clear that I am the lead. It is how I am and what I do, in my view it is better to lead your life then sit back and pick who is the greater threat to you. "I hope I made it clear that is my view. I am checking to try and learn how to do this tone thing." If I come off as to strong in my words I am sorry but I am here to write with like minded people. If this is not you then please view my work and move on.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

A tone in txt I would need to see this done to understand. And yes when I walk into a group of people I make it clear that I am the lead. It is how I am and what I do, in my view it is better to lead your life then sit back and pick who is the greater threat to you. "I hope I made it clear that is my view. I am checking to try and learn how to do this tone thing." If I come off as to strong in my words I am sorry but I am here to write with like minded people. If this is not you then please view my work and move on.

Good luck with that, young padawan.

However, I didn't mean that you should sit back and pick out threats. It's about getting along with people.

Different kettle of fish.

 

[Duncan1981]

The force is strong with this one.

I know what you ment and I understand what you really look for when sitting back. However I agree we should all get along since we share the same space.

 

[rekane]

Good thread on an interesting subject. I have wondered if someone can learn to enhance a different facet of who they are. I am a sub, but I have some tendencies with certain people to be more in control.

@duncan - re: your profile pic.
Are you a big 30 seconds to Mars fan or did you like the way Jared Leto was cut up in American Psycho? I love that movie.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

The force is strong with this one.

I know what you ment and I understand what you really look for when sitting back. However I agree we should all get along since we share the same space.

It doesn't seem like you agree, but alright.

 

[switchbitch]

Though I do see your point, I do disagree with it. The key here is "if they want to learn that" Unless the desire to dominateis innate, why would anyone "want to learn that" (to dominate)--except for the obvious--a sub being pressured into "learning it."

Speaking for myself, I was born with it. I do not even remember my first thoughts of domination; they have always been part of me. And I have joyfully tormented cocks since I was old enough to get them hard!

perhaps their terminology was incorrect but their desire appeared honest. as I have said before none of us was born with a whip in hand but had to learn to use them. When someone expresses the wishto learn to dominate perhaps they are merely asking for help in developing hands on skillsrather than asking you to help them learn that mindset. I agree that mindset cannot be taught however that it can be encouraged by a relaxing of the behavioural modes that many have been indoctrinated with. This does not negate the desire, merely the tools to achieve that desire.it if someone asks in all honesty for help developing tools I can only say welcome, ask me anything you want in a pm.

 

[BiBunny]

God, you leave for a day, and there's pretentious fuckery everywhere when you come back.

*Sigh*

 

[Stella_Omega]

Why yes, yes I did. A TRUE Domme, not the "toy store variety" that is so common nowadays that She could be found anywhere. Look beyond Barbie
And your point is?

its part of the BDSM talk drinking game; We all have to chug a beer every time someone says it.


And one shot for every dude who claims innate Domness and Mastery since preadolescence so thanks, Duncan, I'm well on the way to relaxation this evening.

 

[Mistress_Sheli]

That you're being pretentious?

But hey, if it works for you, kudos.

ooohhhh gotcha! LMAO

 

[Stella_Omega]

Good thread on an interesting subject. I have wondered if someone can learn to enhance a different facet of who they are. I am a sub, but I have some tendencies with certain people to be more in control.

Yes, most of us can learn to enhance a different facet of their personality.

You may be more of a switch then you think.

 

[Mistress_Sheli]

its part of the BDSM talk drinking game; We all have to chug a beer every time someone says it.


And one shot for every dude who claims innate Domness and Mastery since preadolescence so thanks, Duncan, I'm well on the way to relaxation this evening.

well awesome, Stella, have a drink on me Glad I could be part of your relaxation this evening

 

[krissive69]

God, you leave for a day, and there's pretentious fuckery everywhere when you come back.

"pretentious fuckery"... now that's one for the quote log.....

 

[Mistress_Sheli]

Maybe someone wants to learn out of curiosity. Maybe they want to learn to better understand a dominant mindset. Maybe they want to learn out of love for their partner.

Question - do you believe the same re: submission? As in "Why would anyone want to learn that [submission] -- except for the obvious-- they were pressured into learning it."?

Maybe curiosity does drove SOME people. But this person stated she was "naturally passive" and "constantly afraid she is hurting him" and "constantly asking if he were ok" and "constantly worried". My common sense dictated to me that she was not acting voluntarily, but had been pressured into this act. No I believe being a Dom/me, a sub, gay, straight...is innate, so I do not believe All dominant people or ALL submissive people are pressured into learning it. I never said that. I said that in this case, I believe this person is being pressured into doing something she is not comfortable with.

As far as your dyed red hair making you a redhead, that is not up to me to decide.