"I love you."

[Eilan]

Do you find it easy or difficult to say these three little words? Why/why not?

Is it important for you to hear these words from your loved ones?

What's your time frame for using them when you're in a new relationship?

My husband and I say "I love you" to each other several times a day, usually when he's leaving for work or we're talking to each other on the phone. We tend to say it a lot, both to each other and the kids, but I wouldn't say we overuse it, if there is such a thing. (Though I suppose it's possible to say the words automatically when the actual feelings are long gone, but I've never had that experience.)

I was wondering if saying (or not) "I love you" to your SO and/or other family members depends on when you were raised. I don't know that some of my older family members have ever said this to each other, even if they do, in fact, love each other and show it in other ways.

For example, my grandfather was born in the early 20's. When he died a few years back, I started feeling really guilty about the fact that we never said "I love you" to each other. I whispered it to him at the funeral, but I never said it to him when he was alive.

Some time after his funeral, when my emotions were a little less raw, I was thinking about this, and I started feeling less guilty. We both knew that we loved each other, even if we didn't say it; it was evident in our actions. I don't know that he told my grandma that he loved her in all their 50+ years of marriage, but I could tell by the little things he did for her that he loved her very much.

I believe that, as the saying goes, actions speak louder than words. However, that doesn't mean that I don't want to hear the words once in a while.

Thoughts?

 

[EJFan]

i have a quick thought on this...

many years ago i dated a girl who put a great concept in my head. she distinguished between the phrase "love you" and the phrase "i love you." she felt that "love you" was not so romantic... more of a friendly expression of love. "i love you," on the other hand, was strictly for someone you were in love with.

i also think it's very important to say... AND MEAN... on a regular basis. i believe it should be the last thing you say before going to bed at night. it might be a romantic ideal that's not too pracitical over the long term but not in my world. i love hearing older couples who have been married for years say this to each other... and when older couples DON'T say it i can usually find some other phrase or action in their lives that accomplishes the same thing.

i think the bottom line is that they're words. just like anything else in language, the important thing is the meaning conveyed by those words. if you mean it, or if you convey the same thought in another way, that's all that really matters.

how's that for a "quick thought?"

 

[Eilan]

many years ago i dated a girl who put a great concept in my head. she distinguished between the phrase "love you" and the phrase "i love you."

Or "luv ya."

 

[EJFan]

Or "luv ya."

exactly. i'm glad i finally conveyed a thought that someone understood.

along the same lines, i sometimes have trouble interpreting the phrase, "get the fuck outta my face, fucktard." when a woman says that in a bar, is it good or bad?

 

[Seduce]

In romantic relationships those words have deep and serious meaning to me.
I dont say them or want to hear them if they are not truly meant. I only said it to two men in my life, my ex and my present husband.

In fact, I dont trust people who say it very easily to anyone. And I dont use them much in everyday life, and prefere not to hear them unless I know there is really deep emotion behind them.

Same goes for my family, I was raised not to show too much affection, something that my ex used to complain very much about. But I feel that if I scattered "I love you" around very easily, I would lesser the value those words have for me.

 

[rcuhljr]

along the same lines, i sometimes have trouble interpreting the phrase, "get the fuck outta my face, fucktard." when a woman says that in a bar, is it good or bad?

As near I have been able to translate, it means "Duck, incoming slap."

 

[SweetErika]

Yet another excellent topic, Eilan!

I find it easy to say 'I love you' to people I love. I was raised in a family where verbal and physical expression of love and affection was very important and frequent. Even when I was disciplined, the words were, "I love you unconditionally, but I'm very disappointed in your behavior." (That was usually punishment enough in itself). I almost never go to sleep, leave, or hang up the phone without saying it to my husband (or mom for the last two)...if something were to happen, I want those to be my last words to them.

It's also incredibly important for me to hear it from loved ones. This has been a challenge with my husband...he was raised in a home where it was basically only said as a closing in greeting cards, and didn't understand how important it was to me for a long time. Over the years, he's become more comfortable with hearing and saying it to me and others, though a lot of times he "just doesn't think about saying it." I agree that actions speak louder than words, but the words represent the actions for me.

In a new relationship, I'll say it when I genuinely feel it. With the last one, I was just recognizing the feeling when the other person said it. That was after talking almost daily for 4-5 months. I can't recall if my husband or I said it first, but I know it was after we were seeing eachother everyday for a few months.

 

[SweetErika]

In romantic relationships those words have deep and serious meaning to me.
I dont say them or want to hear them if they are not truly meant. I only said it to two men in my life, my ex and my present husband.

In fact, I dont trust people who say it very easily to anyone.

You probably wouldn't trust me a bit then.

Actually I was watching some reality show and was shocked by how often the people on it were throwing around 'love.' They were talking about how they loved people they'd only known for a couple of days and weeks and often didn't like, and it struck me as completely ridiculous. While I use those words freely with people I genuinely love, I would never consider saying it about people I hardly knew or just liked. People who do that often get put in the 'Big Phony' category in my mind.

Same goes for my family, I was raised not to show too much affection, something that my ex used to complain very much about. But I feel that if I scattered "I love you" around very easily, I would lesser the value those words have for me.

One of my friends also believes expressing love and being affectionate infrequently makes them more valuable. I understand the idea, but it's sometimes difficult for me to be in a relationship with someone thinks that way. I forget they use it sparingly and sometimes it hurts when I don't hear it for a long time, and/or I feel like I have to censor myself to avoid making them uncomfortable.

 

[silverwhisper]

i find it easy to say to my wife and family. i mistrust people who use the word casually, b/c while i understand that love means many things to many people, it doesn't to me. i recognize that's my problem however. :>

ed

 

[Lynxie]

Like Erika's hubby, I was raised in a family that didn't do well with expressing emotions or feelings, especially love. My husband is the first guy I said "I love you" to, and that took over a year of dating. It was very serious business for me. Now, we say it to each other several times daily. Even after being together for more than nine years, it still means a lot for us to say it to each other. I don't feel we overuse the phrase, nor have we become desensitized to it at all.

Things are still funky with my family though. I tell my mom "love you" everytime we talk or see each other, but it doesn't have quite the same punch as "I love you." I rarely exchange even "love you"s with my dad.... maybe a few times a year or so. I've never said it to my brother. I do love my family with all my heart, and I know they love me, but we have a horrible time letting each other know it.

 

[Râleclins]

In my family, saying "I love you" was quite common when we were kids, and my mother still says it a lot to us, now that her kids are turning into adults one by one. But I don't really tell my family that I love them. I haven't in a while. It's probably because I want to feel that I've grown up.

Maybe it's a pity, because I know that saying to your kids that you love them is über important. My greatgrandmother thought that if you told compliments to your kids, they would become proud and arrogant. So she never really told my grandfather she loved him. After she died, we found the words "My son, I love you" on a small note in a cupboard. So... Yes, it's really important.

Now, with girlfriends... I think it's very important too, and I usually say it a lot... But it's hard to say it for the first time. You have to be sure the person will answer "I love you" too. And you have to be sure of your feelings, which can take some time.

 

[bisexplicit]

Recently, "I love you" has been really important during all the difficulties my boyfriend and I have been having. Saying it at the end of the conversation feels like it helps to calm things down, and is sortof like "even though we've been fighting alot, I still care about you."
As for with my family, we don't tend to say "I love you" very frequently at all. But, on the other hand, my family is big into hugs - and that feels just about the same to me. I don't think a day goes by when I'm at home where I'm not hugging at least someone in my family - if not all of them.

 

[Poker Player]

I was also brought up in an environment where although I knew I was loved it was never expressed. This caused me to wait for my girlfriend to say it for that first time dispite the fact I had wanted to say it for ages. She went through a phaze of telling me all the time and I mean literally every 5 minutes and although I knew she ment it, it lost some of its meaning to me and I got a bit tired of always being the one to have to reply instead of saying it first.
Things are not so good now between us and I have started to say it again and mean it, oh how I long to hear her say it back. Did not realise how much those 3 words really ment to me.

 

[DarkMuse]

I have a hard time saying "I love you" in a relationship--well, in the beginning, anyways.

My ex was the first one to say "I love you" (although he said "je t'adore"), and it still took me a few months to say it back (even though I felt it). We STILL tell each other "love you" BUT it's in that friendship level now (like "luv ya"), the same with all my girlfriends. We all say "luv ya" fairly easily, and are all very touchy with one another (and my ex boyfriend is included in that category).

My boyfriend now, I don't know. I THINK I'm falling in love with him--it's only been a month though. I worry about falling in love too quickly, so I hold back. I think he understands that, though. He tells me "I like you a lot"...LOL. It's very cute. I don't know--maybe after six months or so (which was when I said "I love you" to my ex) I'll be able to say it.

I'm just not good at opening up verbally. I'm also the most un-mushy chick ever.

 

[LeahLo519]

It's very easy when you're actually in love.

 

[DarkMuse]

It's very easy when you're actually in love.

I don't know if that's true.

What is "actually in love"? My ex and I thought we were hopelessly, desperately in love--but were we? Or did we simply love each other, and mistake loneliness and neediness for "being in love"? If we WERE "in love" wouldn't we still be together?

I have a feeling I might be in love with the current.....BUT.....how do I know for sure? It's not the same "in love" feeling I've had in the past....so then is it? Or maybe it is because it's NOT the same feeling....

So......how can you tell you're actually in love?

 

[AppleBiter]

For me, saying and hearing "I love you" every single day is SO important. I have no problem saying it 10,000 times/day. It's easy for me because when I say "I love you," I mean it and I don't feel like those words should ever be held back, especially with what short time we have on this earth.

I had no specific timeframe for telling my husband that I loved him. I told him as soon as I knew that I was head over heels in love with him. This was about 2 weeks after we first started seeing each other. He confessed that he was in love with me as well. A lot of people that we knew told us that we couldn't possibly be in love, we didn't know each other well enough, we hadn't been together long enough, we didn't have enough experience to know . . . . . . those people were all wrong. Love is wonderful and random and it doesn't make any sense to anybody but the people who have fallen hopelessly into it.

Nearly 10 years later, we're happily and passionately living our lives in love. Those people . . . the ones who said that it wasn't possible . . . most of them were couples and NONE of those couples are still together now.


AppleBiter

 

[LeahLo519]

I don't know if that's true.

What is "actually in love"? My ex and I thought we were hopelessly, desperately in love--but were we? Or did we simply love each other, and mistake loneliness and neediness for "being in love"? If we WERE "in love" wouldn't we still be together?

I have a feeling I might be in love with the current.....BUT.....how do I know for sure? It's not the same "in love" feeling I've had in the past....so then is it? Or maybe it is because it's NOT the same feeling....

So......how can you tell you're actually in love?

I've been in love twice and each time I realized that I was in a different way. Allow me to explain...

My first love was when I was only 15 years old. He was a foreign exchange student from Germany. Blonde hair, blue eyes, adorable accent, great sense of humor. I liked all of those things about him to begin with but it was HIM I fell in love with. We were together for 7 months and he had to go back to his home...I was heartbroken and I remained so for about a year after he left. Anyway, when I realized that I was in love with him, it hit me like a ton of bricks. We were in the backseat of a friends car driving home from the a double date (sounds like a bad movie, I know) and I just looked at him and it was like fireworks. It took my breath away. Looking back on it, I now realize that it was merely puppy love. Irrational, immature, ridiculous and ignorant. But still love.

The relationship I am currently in is completely different. I'm older and wiser (not by much though) and the love I feel for him is...just different. Falling in love with him happened in a completely different way. We were friends, and then we were a couple...I felt tenderness towards him, he made me smile all the time, I couldn't wait to hear from him, I missed him when he was away, it broke my heart when we fought and then I realized that I love him more than anything in the world.

I really hope some of that made sense and didn't just sound like a bunch of bilge...my point is that love happens in different ways and people perceive it different as well. But when and however it happens, you'll just know.

 

[Eilan]

I guess I didn't answer one of my own questions, did I?

My ex told me he loved me about two months into our relationship. He was home from college for Thanksgiving, and when he kissed me goodbye one evening, he just blurted it out. THEN he said he was sorry.

I got a letter of apology a few days later. He wasn't sorry that he'd said it; he was sorry about the WAY he said it.

My husband and I knew each other for a couple of months before we had sex. It was obvious that we were falling for each other, but we'd never used those words. After we'd had sex, he said, "Call me old-fashioned, but I can't do that with someone unless I'm in love with them." No, it wasn't exactly a declaration of love, but it was close.

I've always felt awkward saying "I love you" the first few times I say it to someone. (Kind of like when my kids were born and I had to get used to using their names in conversation.)

 

[Munachi]

well, in the case of me and my ex there was a conversation about two months into the relationship about how people say "i love you" too easily and about how we disagree with that and think it is too early to say that. now, a year or so into hte relationship my opinion somewhat changed, i was quite sure i did love him, but when i told him he either did not reply or said "you know what i think of that..." well it quite hurt and i guess i should have drawn some conclusions of that, as in the over three years we ended up being together he never told me he loved me - at the time i was sure he did and could just not say it, but remembering his behaviour during the breakup and everything i guess i was wrong.