I like girls, but I need some advice...

[Bi_Licious]

Ok, the following story is long, but it explains everything, and, well, here we go:



I have always loved girls. I love the way they smell, the way they talk, the way they kiss, the way they feel in my arms, and the way they understand each other, to name a few reasons. Up until I came to college, I was painfully straight, I had had a few serious boyfriends, and I had always pushed aside my same sex feelings.

When I got to college, I realized that it was completely ok to like girls, and to be vocal about it. I began to make out with girls at parties, and I began to look at predominantly lesbian porn. I saw that girls are beautiful, and it was ok to have feeling for them. December of freshmen year of college, my boyfriend and I began dating, and we've been together for 3 1/2 years now. I love him very much, and we plan on getting married. I have told him on many occasions about my feelings towards girls, and he is very open to it. We even had our first 3some with our friend Jenny during the second semester of sophomore year, and it was great. She was a little rough, but we all had fun, and I discovered that I love to watch my boyfriend make out with and be touched by other girls.

The summer after my sophomore year of college, my boyfriend had his friend Michele come visit us at the house that we were renting with some friends. It was just the 3 of us there that night, and we decided to have a 3some even before she came down. Now, this was the first time I had ever met Michele, and I must say I pretty much fell in love with her that night. She is so soft and beautiful, and she showed me an incredible amount of affection. The 3 of us started by taking a shower in our underwear (but no bras). It was very hot. Michele is THE BEST kisser I have ever encountered, and it was soooo hot to kiss her in the shower, with the warm water running over our wiggling bodies. We then moved into our bedroom and onto my bed. Michele and I were locked in each other's arms, kissing, and touching. Then we stripped my boyfriend, and gave him head at the same time. Our tongues were running up and down his penis, and stopping to kissing each other as well. Michele fingered me for a bit, and then my boyfriend and I had sex, while Michele was touching and making out with us. It was a wonderful evening, and because it was my first incredibly intimate girl on girl experience, I pretty much fell in love with her. I couldn't stop thinking about her at work, at home, in my dreams. After that evening, every time we got together, we ended up making out, and she always tried to get me naked and alone with her--which I would have LOVED--but we always ran into obstacles and whatnot. Anyway, since we first met for our 3some, which was almost 3 years ago, she has fallen in love with a boy, who I know, and they are set to be married next year. I'm ok with it, and I wish them all the best of luck. We are still friends, and we still hang out, but I have to credit Michele with introducing me to the wonderfulness that is girl-girl love.

I love my boyfriend with all my heart, and I want to grow old and have children with him, but I kinda wish that we had gotten together later in life, because I never really had a chance to explore my sexuality with girls. He likes the fact that I like girls, but he says that if I want to do anything with a girl, he has to be there to join in. I've never been a cheater, but I really want to have some lesbian encounters, just me and another girl, to broaden my horizons and release the sexual tension that I have for girls.


Thank you for reading, and please leave me some comments, thoughts, ideas, offers, whatever!

 

[Chicklet]

I kinda wish that we had gotten together later in life, because I never really had a chance to explore my sexuality with girls.

I know exactly how you feel.

hrm sigh.

Personally, I'd have an issue if my SO (which I don't have right now, so this is completely theoretical and based on past experience) wanted to go off and explore sexually without me. I've had good and bad experiences with threesomes, but found that the only real strain on my relationship came if play was initiated without my partner and I both there together.

His feelings on the matter are totally valid, and so are yours.

The only thing I can suggest is that you stick with his conditions, if you're wanting to stay with him. 'cause it's going to be cheating if you go exploring without him after he's expressly voiced discomfort in the thought. One possibility is that the more time you spend together, the stronger your trust in each other will become, and eventually maybe he'll be comfortable letting you explore on your own. But don't stay in the relationship if you're counting on that.

Keep in mind that you haven't reached your sexual peak yet, and if you have to wait a few years to explore safely and comfortably, that's not going to be a terrible thing.

 

[sunandshadow]

I've never known having sex with men or women to actually release the sexual tension one feels towards that gender on a long-term basis.

 

[gingermango]

I don't know how your boyfriend feels about it as a long-term solution, but there are MANY happily-married people who enjoy open or semi-open marriages, within defined parameters, and many more who are active in the swinging/swapping communities. The keys, as always, are total honesty, openness and clarity about what level of sexual and/or emotional involvement with sexual partners is okay with one another. The genders and sexual orientations of those involved really don't matter - people are people and behave in predictable ways regardless of those characteristics.

I have to add, cautiously, that you do sound rather young. I don't say that to be demeaning or condescending - everyone was young once. What I mean by my comment is that your remark about how hard you fell for Michele after your first time together is very similar to the powerful depth of feelings that many people have after a first milestone-type experience like that. Time does wonders for one's ability to step back from really powerful experiences and gain some perspective and meaning.

That said, as you get older you begin to realize that sex CAN be as purely physical, as purely intellectual or as purely emotional as you WANT it to be. My wife is my Domme - she is my Goddess, the center of my existence and my soulmate (to the extent that one believes in such a thing, of course). That said, she has sexual and certain emotional needs that I as a submissive can't meet - or at least, can't meet well. Similarly, given our emotional connection, there are certain sexual and emotional needs I have that she is reluctant to meet, for fear of impeding our emotional bonds.

Therefore, about 2-1/2 years ago we began experimenting with swapping and openness in our marriage. In our case, it has worked out wonderfully. On the other hand, we know of several couples whose marriages have NOT survived such experimentation. It's risky to let yourself get physically intimate with someone NOT your permanent, long-term partner if you are not TOTALLY secure with one another, and if you really don't have a handle on your own emotional reactions to sexual relations.

Good luck figuring this out. It's not always easy.

 

[Bi_Licious]

Thank you to Chicklet, Sun, and Ginger for their responses Your words are very much appreciated.

And, yes, I am young. I'm only 22, and I think I've seen it all, but more and more each day I realized that I've only barely hit the tip of the iceberg. I'm optimistic for the future


Thank you, and if anyone else has a comment, though, or idea, please don't hesitate to reply!

 

[gingermango]

I'm only 22, and I think I've seen it all, but more and more each day I realized that I've only barely hit the tip of the iceberg.

I got married to my first wife when I was 22. I got divorced 10 years later - I guess I'm stubborn and stuck it out longer than either of us should have. But I realized after we'd split up and after I'd met my Goddess, that if I'd stayed with my first wife, I'd never have had the opportunity to be with a dominant woman, I'd never have been able to explore my bisexuality or my submissive nature, and I'd be even more profoundly unhappy than I was already. I learned a LOT about myself between 22 and 32. I tell people that I wish it was against the law to get married until people are over 30! Most of us bear little resemblance to our former selves when we hit 30, let alone when we start looking 40 straight in the eye.

But I think you're asking all the right questions of yourself and your relationship now - questions many of us don't ask until we're nose-deep in our relationships and unable to easily get out - it's amazing what a mortgage and kids do to your ability to quickly break out of a relationship you belatedly realize isn't meeting your needs.

 

[MsWet]

My advice....

Thank you to Chicklet, Sun, and Ginger for their responses Your words are very much appreciated.

And, yes, I am young. I'm only 22, and I think I've seen it all, but more and more each day I realized that I've only barely hit the tip of the iceberg. I'm optimistic for the future


Thank you, and if anyone else has a comment, though, or idea, please don't hesitate to reply!

Please don't be offended because I really do mean well with my advice. I'm 35 & looking back, at the age of 22 you don't want to rush into marriage because you & he will change. I am a completely different person now from when I was 22. Take the time to really get to know yourself, introspection is very important. You have plenty of time to have children. Take life one day at a time. Best of luck to you

 

[licentiousangel]

I think maybe you should try to talk to him and explain that you want to try just you and another girl a few times. I might be wrong but I would think maybe he would be understanding.

I first came out while I was with my boyfriend and I wanted to explore it but didn't because of him. But he fully encourages it. He isn't much into the threesome thing but doesn't mind if I have a girlfriend. As long as my relationship with my girlfriend doesn't interfere with my relationship with him. so maybe if you talk to him and explain it he might understand. Or maybe you could compromise. You can have a one on one with a girl while he watches? Just a suggestion. <3

 

[Peg_Bundy]

Please don't be offended by this:


Just going by some of the things you said in your post, it sounds like your boyfriend wants to have his cake and eat it too.

You said that before you even met Michelle (his friend) that you both had already decided to have a 3some together. How do you decide your going to have sex with someone even before you meet them?

The fact that he likes that your into girls but has to be there anytime you are with one to "join-in".


If he really wanted you to experience your sexuality to no limit he would be happy with just being there and watching YOU enjoy yourself.

 

[AZLovelyLady]

Hmmm...

Good luck....
That's all I can say to you, although I wish I could offer you some awesome advice. I have a similar situation with my SO and have even gone to counseling because of it but it hasn't helped....the counselor told me that I would have to suppress my bisexuality in order to be in a monogamous (whether straight or gay) relationship. How's that for advice She was an idiot and we haven't seen her since, but that doesn't mean that we've gotten any closer to some kind of resolution.

If you find one, PLEASE PM me cuz enquiring minds want to know!

 

[gingermango]

....the counselor told me that I would have to suppress my bisexuality in order to be in a monogamous (whether straight or gay) relationship. How's that for advice

Well it's true isn't it? Unless you can get enough of whatever "it" is that you seek in bi-sex by getting your SO to cross-dress or play gender games with you or something. I mean, by definition "monogamy" means sexual and romantic attraction to one person - hence the "mono" prefix.

So what did you expect to hear? That the counselor would give you "permission" to swing or play around with girls to let out your bisexual urges? If both you and your SO are okay with that, fine, but it's not monogamy by anyone's definition.

 

[AZLovelyLady]

Well it's true isn't it? Unless you can get enough of whatever "it" is that you seek in bi-sex by getting your SO to cross-dress or play gender games with you or something. I mean, by definition "monogamy" means sexual and romantic attraction to one person - hence the "mono" prefix.

So what did you expect to hear? That the counselor would give you "permission" to swing or play around with girls to let out your bisexual urges? If both you and your SO are okay with that, fine, but it's not monogamy by anyone's definition.

Ahhhh...I see your point--I did use the word monogamous so yes that does imply an exclusive relationship between 2 people. My take on it is that there are many different applications of monogamy as there is with marriage, as in no two couple marry and/or stay married for the same reason, nor do they have the same belief and/or practice of marriage....in my little head that also extends to monogamy....it could mean only being emotionally exclusive, it could mean only being sexually exclusive--heck, some people might even see it as only have sex with one person at any given moment.
My beef with the counselor is the whole suppression issue. To me it's like telling someone who's gay to suppress their sexuality in order to fit society's norms. In my experience, anytime one tries to suppress something that is a part of them it only comes out in other ways that might not be as healthy or pushing that part of a person aside could lead to some serious negative emotional consequences....suppression seems too Puritanical to me.
It's like my friend who converted to a fundamentalist Christian and was told that masturbating (which I believe is fine and normal) was self-abuse and was bad because it made one weak and hence more suseptible to sin and the devil, so he stopped masturbating for almost 3 months...towards the end of that time he became almost obseessed with sex and what he couldn't have was that release so he just started acting kooky--he eventually broke down and masturbated on our mutual friend's bed, which caused a lot more problems than if he just had been thinking straight and whacked off in his own bed!
Anyway, that's besides the point. I think the mainstream worldview (if you believe there is one) does not allow for much grey area, especially in matters involving sex & marriage. Which makes it hard for some people who are by nature stuck in that grey area, which for me personally includes my bisexuality (although I know that there are many bi pple. that are completely capable of monogamy). That counselor was definitely thinking in black and white terms and in her book there wasn't even the option of grey!

 

[gingermango]

AZLovelyLady - I see what you mean now. Yes, the "suppression" part is nonsense. I tried for years to suppress my kinks and bisexuality to please and accommodate a very inflexible wife - it didn't work, obviously. But eventually I ended up with a much better marriage to a much more compatible woman who shares the same kinks and interests I do (including being bi herself and being turned on by bi-guys ).

So yes, I agree with your premise - the counselor is off-base with telling anyone to suppress who or what they are. At the same time, as between you and your SO, it will be very tough to work out a compromise unless he or she is willing to do so. In my case, both my wife and I are very sexual people but emotionally very connected to one another - we swing together with a few like-minded people that we've met as an outlet for our sexual needs, but remain emotionally monogamous, so to speak.