I just needed to vent

[ffreak]

I like it.

D, when you can't sleep, you sure do rhyme sweet.

-FF (learning from the best)

 

[destinie21]

The following is a sensitive and (for me heart wrenching) poem
I've never been able to quite express before. Now that I have someone who's finally made me feel like I'm good enough I can write what I feel. I've already shared the experience with her years ago and she saw inside of me and still stayed by my side.
If you're interested read on.



See I always thought it was my fault.
That's how I felt no matter what they said.

I thought it was my fault all of it and none of it at all.
Maybe if my skirt hadn't been so short,
or if my legs weren't quite so long.
Or if I hadn't gone into that room.
Up those stairs
past all those stares

If I was stronger or pushed harder.
Or screamed louder
than the music that he played.

Maybe he wouldn't have broken me
and torn me up like a secret note between friends
Ripping all my little girl parts
and shoving me to early
into an unnatural womanhood

Maybe the tears wouldn't have come
and showed him I was weak

He laughed and pushed harder
into my body and into my mind
I couldn't deny the horrors he showed me

I was being torn in half
that's what it felt like
and I thought my soul was trying to escape

Maybe that's what I felt on my thighs
when he pulled away from me

He laughed again
as he left me there like an old toy he'd grown bored with

"I love you baby" that's the words he used when
he shut the door sealing my childhood in that cluttered room

I lay in the bed trying to understand
I sat up my thighs hurt and felt sticky

I had never seen a soul before
Was it supposed to be this red, this wet
Soaking through light blue sheets?
Was it love that made the side of my face throb
from where he punched slapped and dragged me down?
Was it love that made my insides hot and cold all at once?
And made my insides feel like they were trying to be outsides?

My eyes were blurry with tears
What had I done?

I walked down the stairs
past all those stares
and out the door
shivering in the night air
as I made my way home.

 

[destinie21]

The Day I Thought I Was Dead

I run my fingers
over the scar hidden beneath my hairline.
A slight pucker
A reminder of dangers kiss

I still remember the day I thought I was dead.
I was swinging higher and higher
on the big girl swing.

My legs pumping furiously
I swear if I'd gone just a little higher
my toes could have touched heaven.

I let go
Just for a moment.
I was trying to grab the cotton candy clouds.

In that moment I was a bird
I was flying

Then BAM

My reality hit
hard as the cement where my head bounced
and my neck snapped back

I felt the pain
an unbearable heat rolling through my body.
And before the darkness
tears came

Big girls weren't supposed to cry,
but maybe just this once it would be okay
because I could hear your voice and you were crying too.

I didn't know until much later, that the coppery smell in the air, the one that smelled like wet pennies was my blood.

Since that day I've always wanted to fly
but I could never let go.

See I still remember the day thought I was dead
All I wanted to do was touch the sky.

 

[destinie21]

you're the only one who knows my secrets
The one who has read me from cover to cover.
seen my backpages and still wants to read what hasn't been written.

See I took for granted
The miracle of the sunrise
So god let me see the miracle in your eyes

And to early I lost the innoccence of my youth
So you showed me the innoccence of our love hidden in your heart.

How could this mind
this body
and this soul
contain all the miracles I could never see
and still have room for our love

 

[ffreak]

This is a good book, Mrs. D.

Keep it going.

-FF

 

[destinie21]

thanks eff,
I encourage all those prone to poetic expression to post here if they'd like. Apparently no one vents as much as I do

 

[Jenny _S]

thanks eff,
I encourage all those prone to poetic expression to post here if they'd like. Apparently no one vents as much as I do

Des,
I just wish I had 1% of your talent with words. I love your writing. I love you poetry. I love you as a friend

 

[destinie21]

Des,
I just wish I had 1% of your talent with words. I love your writing. I love you poetry. I love you as a friend

Oh thanks warm fuzzies to you too babe.
BTW you do have talent and lots of it.
THe mrs.

 

[destinie21]

Am I to old to lose control?
sometimes I want to kneel before her and beg
her to abuse my soul.
And lie on the ground in front of her
and worship at the alter of her feet.
and drink each tear drop by drop
tasting her essence
I want to meditate and get high
just to extend the pleasure that I get
When I'm in her ...

presence.

The mrs

 

[destinie21]

I can't fathom forever
but I know it's not long enough
Yes that's right baby another love poem

Where words can't carry the weight
of emotion


I want to tell you all the things that you never thought you'd hear...

although I don't know why you never thought you'd hear them.
But that doesn't really matter.
I'll show you every day why you deserve this hommage of love paid to you.

I can't not

I want to show you how to fly standing still.
how music can ravish your body from the inside
and leave you standing there naked and trembling with goosebumps.

I want to show you exploding, red, sky engulfing sunsets
with your eyes closed.
And let you know
we don't ever have to wait until the fourth of july
For our fireworks

yeah that's right baby another love poem
from your jaded cynic
turned hopless romantic.
Words to you
that can never do you justice.

 

[destinie21]

Sometime's I sit and think
I think about whether
you're about you thinking about me,
Thinking about you
Thinking about me
and if we're both thinking about
who loves who more
and I say it's me
just like you say it's you
and when we talk on the phone for like two hours
even though we don't have shit to say because
we just spent the whole day together
But still niether one of us wants to be the first to say goodbye
So we agree to both say goodbye
then hangup on the count of three
and ten minutes later we're still on the phone
even when we've run out of the sweet nothings we started with
We're both content to just
listen to the rythym of the other's breath
and somewhere in the back of my mind I'm wondering how
I'm making it
when just the thought of you leaves me breathless

 

[destinie21]

Titled:9/16/1996


14 didn't mean anything before that day.
An unremarkable number.
On an autumn evening.

The sky was natures jewlry box and the leaves sparkled like heavenly adorments.
Reds oranges and yellows setting the sky ablaze.
The smell of a nearby bonfire hung in the air like the tangible
scent of comfort.

I walked a bit unsteady in shoes that were a little to high,
but still there was a spring in my step because I wore a new sweater beneath my new jacket.

My mother had let me use just a drop of her favorite perfume Eternity.

I felt so grown up like maybe I was almost a woman.
When I look back now I could weep for the child I was.
The niaevity that I had then and the reason it was torn away in just a few short hours.

I walked up the drive and rang the doorbell
Her mother opened the door with a smile
and greeted me with a hug.

My parents had said the party would be "safe."
Since there would be a chaporone there.

After that night we all had to redefine what safety was.


I was drinking a pepsi when he came up to me.
The brother of my best friend.
He was home from university,
he always came home on the weekends for hot meals and laundry service.

"Aren't you pretty as a blossoming Rose?"
He knew I hated my middle name and so he always made little jokes. It embarassed me, but at the same time the sound of his voice and the way he looked at me made butterflies flutter in my belly.

He was 23 and until the past 6 months he had treated me like a kid sister. Now somehow in a way I could never fully explain our dynamics were different.

When he would touch me under the guise of a tickle war it didn't seem quite appropriate.
There were a million warning that I just didn't see.

So when he asked if I wanted to see his new stereo I said "sure."
As we walked up the stairs I could feel the boys and girls there looking at us. I was nervous wanting to turn back.
He whispered some forgotten joke under his breath and I laughed. I could feel his fingertips pressing into my back as we hit the final stair.

His room was cluttered and posters of topless woman on beaches appeared glossy under the low lamp light.

There on his desk next to his computer was a shiny metallic gray stereo. It seemed to have more knobs and buttons than necessary.

I sat on the bed since he was in the desk chair flipping the knobs and switches.

Very soon the room was filled with the sound of electric gutairs.
It was too loud.

When he sat on the bed next to me the butterflies in my stomach disappeared and in their place was a feeling I would later recognize as fear.

He kissed me then, draping his hand around my shoulder. I tried to push him away as he pushed me back. He was stronger than me and held me easily with one hand as he straddled my hips.

Pushing the thin cotton barrier that seperated us aside he burst through my innoccence in less than an instant.

I was screaming then,
and he slapped me hard enough to shatter my cheek bone and make my eye swell shut.

I was crying
and still he pushed, laughing
as pain burned up my insides.
I pushed him again hoping that the pain had made me stronger.
It hadn't.

When he was spent he pulled away and arranged his clothes,
then as he was leaving he told me he loved me.

I lay in that room crying
praying that the tears could wash away the pain.

As I lay there my blood soaked the the light blue sheets from the middle to the edges of the bed like a sunburst.

When I could I stood,
and walked out of that room and down the stairs and out of my childhood

There were more stares and everyone was hysterical except for me. Blood soaked my legs from the inside of my thighs to the insides of my to high shoes. I could still smell the scent of the bonfire smoke as I shivered in the night air.

I had forgotten my new jacket

I made it all the way to my front steps before I passed out.

Before that night 14 didn't mean anything
I just didn't know it was everything.

 

[destinie21]

My flow is something that comes more than every 28 days.
Like the woman before me I take this legacy seriously.
I can only write what I know to be the truth in all I see.

See I know the truth hurts.
Especially when it’s all that you don’t want to hear.
But as long as freedom rings I’m going to sing.
Like a caged bird my only joy comes from song.

And it’s hard when the things that you most fear are so near

so to protect myself I’ll
get a breastplate
to protect the place where love gestates
And my pen will lactate to attack hate.

Like lyrical Lasik
I’ll clear your chakra’s
Then your third eye can foucus.
because
Like the woman before me I take this legacy .

I take this legacy seriously.

 

[destinie21]

You are my crazy love
baby love
the one I love to love

The night holds a new sort of comfort
and you balance the world on you shoulders
as the wind bears witness to volumes of secrets whispered between us.

Victoria’s secret’s
cradling the secrets I know so well.

The lips I would kiss
the scent of being spent...

Extravagant.

The progression of my obsession
to have you in my possession is endless.

Insatiable

Irreplaceable

my crazy love
for my baby love

The one I can’t help but love.

Your lips will frame the words that
would touch my heart as your fingers
make wet trails down my sweaty back

Gripping
and slipping
as you get closer.

Breathless I want to breathe in your essence
and in your presence
I am humbled

Overboard
over the top
I won’t stop

My baby love who I love to love

 

[destinie21]

Sell out
Yeah I sell out.
and at a sold out arena,
I spit my verses without rehearsal
and when I spit
I feel my queer spirit thrusting out from jutting hips.

And it’s like a deep breath
When I inhale everything I see
and exhale slowly from my lips.

And the words would circulate through my heart
and out through my fingertips
when I put pen to paper.

Sometimes my life will flash before my eyes
uninvited memories raping my mind.
And the truth in myself I am forced to see .
Before I can spit for you
I have to spit for me.
Before I can show you the truth
I’ve got to get rid of my lies.
open my eyes
and realize, the woman
I have to be.
While I try to live up to my legacy
I’ve got to push that much harder to fulfill this lyrical prophecy.

 

[RenzaJones]

Blowing baby's breath across your breasts,
as I kiss your heart.
Nothing amazes me more than the feel of your skin
and I want to make you sweat.
My fingertips would trace a path over your belly,
and my head would dip between your legs.
as I kneel to worship at your alter.
Fervent prayers through parted lips
perfumed essence
and deep kisses.

I want to make you forget everything but my name.
For a moment we're connected on more than just a spiritual level.
hot and wet like a flash flood on an august night.

Our rhythm would pulse, beat, and pound
but the only sound
I hear is your breathing,
beneath the tips of my fingers I can feel your thighs sweat.
And as I push you over the edge I smile
I hear you call my name and you grip my hair a little to hard.
This is our love song.
As you come
down
all I want to do is wind you back up again

 

[ffreak]

Beautiful images - you two are as well matched in voice as in body.

-FF' (no wonder you're in love)

 

[RenzaJones]

Morning was my mentor
creeping every day through the witching hours
to raise her head.

after the moon witnessed my tears
reflecting in the glow of the sun .

Morning was my mentor
rising inevitably from the darkness
each day a sort of rebirth
and each night the sun would retire but
the morning was my mentor
I knew she would come again.
Tommorrow and the next day.

 

[ffreak]

Simply beautiful. A wonderful refrain. I won't forget it.

-FF

 

[destinie21]

Have you ever wanted someone so bad
you could taste it on the tip of your tongue
like sour apple bubble gum?

And it's as exciting as that fist crush
when you like that one person so much
you're hot and cold
shy and bold
tongue tied
with bonafide fear?


I mean you need that want so bad
it's like the smell of a thunder storm.
Fresh and dangerous
and you can feel the longing in the tips of your toes.

That's the kind of want that knows no bounds
and I can't tell if it's my heart pounding
or if that throbbing is coming from
the wet place between my thighs.

A simple smile can set off a symphony of sensual sensations
in the pit of my stomach.
Is this how head over heels feels?

You sweep me off my feet
and keep me perpetually
seated because I'm weak in the knees.
And I'm begging like a country singer with the blues
Just to get a taste of you.

Nothing smells so sweet as the scent of you
and I'm baptized in submisson
like never before.
and what I mean is
that no one
ever made me want to submit before.

I would do anything to see smile.

I need a support group
a 12 step program
because I addicted to you.
and it's not that I want to quit
It's that I need to learn how to live
without an every sixty second fix.

Okay that last thing was denial
I think about you every other second
and on the other second I daydream
about you and me
and the we that we are.

and I thank god for showing me
love.

 

[destinie21]

I guess I'm the only one who needs to vent, at least like this


If I were a poet
I’d pen something prolific
enough to stop this pathos
of life

it would be named as the newest testament
as a testimony to all I’ve known
I’m off and on
usually more off than on
and I have been singing this song for
too many years
too many sunrises
and sunsets
the pain is so familiar
I almost forget it exists
I am the piece in a jigsaw puzzle
that never fit
hate begets rage
and I’m in a rage
enraged with the
hand I’ve been dealt
I don’t remember joining the game

But I’m going to play as if my life depended on it
and I’m gonna spit
these rhymes until
these mother fuckers stop
coughing up bullshit
what can they know about
who I am and what I do

upon my arrival they called me a disciple
and I drank from king James cup
and spat verses from the bible
these marks on me are tribal
weaving the tapestry of my survival
and I may not be who I was

So no Langston I don’t shrivel like

a raisin in sun

and I may be broken but I’m still amazing

and I won’t be a caged bird

not anymore

I’m going to fly with these words

and before long I’m going to soar

I was drifting from the way
I got turned out that day
nothing more than a whore
but I’m so much more than that
and my grandmother used to say the same thing
but I spit a verse and she used word s to sing

So I’ll rewrite and reverse and rewind
just to spill the words on this page one more time
for to long I wanted to hide
but I can’t abide the lie inside

and it hurts like hell
but I have to be who I am
and who I was meant to be
because this is my birthright
and I won’t be denied
so I must deride
and decide to write these rhymes
with a vengeance
and I’ve penchant
to purge the perpetrators
purposely perpetuating this propaganda

see the way I used alliteration?
maybe it’s because I’m clever
or maybe it’s just because I’m never
too afraid to bring it
I’m unstoppable now.

 

[destinie21]

Rainmaker
I’m the rainmaker
the muckraker
trying to bring a message
to the masses
and it’s out of my hands
as I receive the command from my neurological land
to the fingers that span this writing implement
and I’m gonna make implications
just for interpretation


weapons of mass destruction
sure whatever
what is this Armageddon

with no penance
I pen this

I wont leave my descendants living in a world
of hopeless doubt
I’ll write these lines
and spit these rhymes
until I don’t have anything left to say
freedom of speech
freedom to teach
freedom to preach
of the breach of justice
morally armed to do bodily harm
because he had made it a priority to deceive the majority
how can we expect a system made for the elect
to possibly judge correct
or serve and protect
what a prospect
in the face of neglect
a concept is born .

 

[NoJo]

Wow, a real spitter on lit! Are you UK, US or what?

 

[destinie21]

I’m kneeling before you in complete submission
my heart is broken
but I’ve found strength in you
and I can pour this pain on you like
oil from Mary’s alabaster box
what I need is more love than peace
and right now I need to find that at your feet
all I can do is pray
I never understood the plan
but I’m leaving it in your hands now
maybe this was all to humble me
because I couldn’t be humble all on my own
and I still have this strength but the pride is gone
and I had to be knocked down to learn to stand up
so I can’t give up
and I won’t stop
or be silent anymore
let the circle be unbroken
and words once held fast
will be spoken
because I need to purge this rage
I hurts like hell
to tell
what I went through
but if I can’t
I’ll be forgotten
a statistic
and I can’t be that
I’ll be almost anything but that
sometimes I think nothing matters
but her eyes show me different
I can’t love myself not now
but I swear she still does
and I need that
I’m broken
but my heart is open
and I can finally admit
that I need to submit
and these tears don’t need to be shame
although sometimes the are
but they’re also pain cried in the name
of the woman who fought in vain.
and finally their just emotion that I denied to hard
and to long
I’m reaching out and crying out
to avoid dying
because as I live and breathe
I’m not alive
until I can fall in love with me
so here I am my heart is broken but I’m kneeling at your feet
I’m kneeling before you in complete submission
my heart is broken
but I’ve found strength in you
and I can pour this pain on you like
oil from Mary’s alabaster box
what I need is more love than peace
and right now I need to find that at your feet
all I can do is pray
I never understood the plan
but I’m leaving it in your hands now
maybe this was all to humble me
because I couldn’t be humble all on my own
and I still have this strength but the pride is gone
and I had to be knocked down to learn to stand up
so I can’t give up
and I won’t stop
or be silent anymore
let the circle be unbroken
and words once held fast
will be spoken
because I need to purge this rage
I hurts like hell
to tell
what I went through
but if I can’t
I’ll be forgotten
a statistic
and I can’t be that
I’ll be almost anything but that
sometimes I think nothing matters
but her eyes show me different
I can’t love myself not now
but I swear she still does
and I need that
I’m broken
but my heart is open
and I can finally admit
that I need to submit
and these tears don’t need to be shame
although sometimes the are
but they’re also pain cried in the name
of the woman who fought in vain.
and finally their just emotion that I denied to hard
and to long
I’m reaching out and crying out
to avoid dying
because as I live and breathe
I’m not alive
until I can fall in love with me
so here I am my heart is broken but I’m kneeling at your feet

 

[destinie21]

I gotta spit a verse
just for the hell of it
just to tell the shit
that goes on in my head

I'm more than a stacked chick
with a lot of junk in the trunk
but truth be told I can drop it like it's hot
a little harlem shake and the crip walk
a little puff puff pass and some junk talk

a little bit of chaos
that borders on disorder
I'll spit on replay
like an old school tape recorder
and just for kicks I'll
bring the remix
and break it down
like you're under construction
and it'll be mass destruction
by my instruction
and I'll produce this
and you'll just be my reproduction
*******************