I just don't understand why women stay with men who beat them

[lilminx]

I just read part of Freya's thread about her upstairs neighbors, and from her post along with several others, it appears that men who beat their girlfriends and wives are pretty common.

Why do men feel the need to do it, and why do the women stay with them?

I honestly can't fathom it. I'm not the most secure person, but I'll be damned if I have such little self-respect to EVER stay with someone who lays a hand on me out of anger.

*Edited: I just want to add that lack of self-respect is the only real reason I could think of for a woman to stay with a man who beats her, hence my previous statement.

 

[bknight2602]

I don't understand it either. Being a non violent person, it is difficult to comprehend the action. It may have to do with control, maybe.

 

[Tyrael]

I have to agree with the lack of self respect.

They might have gotten a terrible look of what the world is from having a very abusive father.

She feels she needs a man by her side (ANY man).

 

[Spinaroonie]

I think it's because the woman thinks that he'll really kick her ass if they break up.

 

[Guest]

Psychiatric issues.

It can be "learned" so to speak.

 

[cybergirly]

I feel the same way lilminx. It's just not in me to allow myself to be in that situation. One of us would be dead, it's really that simple for me.

 

[paganangel]

if they would just do what they're fucking told!


put mayo on both sides of the bread and don't eat spaghetti out of the pot.

 

[Lancecastor]

In a co-dependant relationship, the idea of what constitues "loving" behavior is often skewed in both parties by their training in their first family (parents/siblings)

So, a woman who learned to interpret the abusive parent as loving will find an abusive partner.

The man who learned to intepret abuse as showing love will find someone to abuse as a partner.

That's why that sort of couple will often swear up and down that they love each other between bouts.

They are often equally as guilty for the relationship being abusive. The woman often suffers physical pain, then the man winds up in jail. Both suffer.

Fucked up stuff.

 

[HeavyStick]

In ............... Both suffer.

Fucked up stuff.

True.

I was in a bar one night watching the crowd. Husband and wife get into an an argument. Actually she was doing all the bitching he was just nodding his head.
They get up to leave, I'd better follow. She's calling him every name in the book. Ol' boy is doing a good job of taking a verbal ass beating.

Then she did it, she said the one thing that pushed his last button. "That's why I take it up the ass.... I can't feel it anywhere else." I was 10 feet behind the couple. In ultra-slow ABC sports vision motion he turned toward her and threw a punch that started in another state. I thought I saw a *KAPAW* from Batman reruns. She was on the ground crying. I threw off of a mustang and was in the process of handcuffing him, when she started hitting me.

Her immortal words. "You can't arrest him, he loves me."

 

[lilminx]

if they would just do what they're fucking told!


put mayo on both sides of the bread and don't eat spaghetti out of the pot.

LMAO- when posting this thread, I forgot about that conversation tonight.

 

[Debbie]

I just posted to freya's thread addressing this.

My ex came from a very abusive family, I didn't know that when I met him and he didn't show that side of himself till we had been dating and moved in together. The process was slow at first, controlling behaviour.
"When you wear that you look like a slut. Don't let me see you wearing it again."
Went downhill from there. The first time he slapped me? I was shocked, numb. The pain hit me. I just stared at him. He looked at my face and crumbled, telling me again and again for the next few hours how it would never happen again, I had made him mad and he had over reacted, he loved me, I can still hear his droning voice in my head saying the same stuff over and over again. Following me to the loo, not leaving me alone for a minute for a few days.
The only feelings my ex seems to have is anger. In his own way I was a possession.

I came from a loving family. Very religious and we had been sheltered from the big bad world. I was very niiave, low self esteem, very little life experience etc. I thought I loved him and that he would change.

I remember calling a family memeber, sobbing and telling them that I couldn't stand what he was doing to me. I was calmly told to respect my partner as the head of my household. I will never forget that. The first time I reached out and that came from a family member.

 

[lilminx]

Debbie, thank you for sharing. What made you decide to get out of it? Obviously you summoned up some courage and self-respect, hon. You're stronger than many women who stay in relationships like that.

 

[erosman]

Deb, I think your 'slow' description is accurate. If the abuse was sudden, then I think women would be quicker to react properly in most cases. It is sad.

 

[Shaq]

Fear
Children
Lack of money
Love
Shame



^^^^ Those are some...plus most abusive husbands on average only commit 2 abusive acts a year. Not counting battered wife syndrome (or something I forgot) when the husband systematically and rountinely terroizes his wife most abusive husbands only have infrequent outbursts and then they are apologetic and promise to get better and good for a period then they explode again. Cycle...

 

[k_girl23]

I have a hard time with this as well. I don't understand it, although one of my best friends has started to put a light on. Her relationship is shaky to say the least. It will be good for a long time then her bf that she lives with freaks on her. He grew up in an abusive household and thats what he knows. They are trying to work on it, I don't understand after she calls me up crying and tells me what he has done and said(emotional abuse) why a few days later they are working on it. I try to be supportive while letting her know she deserves better. I've been in a similar situation and will never again allow it to happen to me, first time anything happened I would be out the door, thats just the type of person I am. Love is a powerful thing as is the mind telling the person that he/she will change and it will get better. Thats just my opinion.

 

[Debbie]

Debbie, thank you for sharing. What made you decide to get out of it? Obviously you summoned up some courage and self-respect, hon. You're stronger than many women who stay in relationships like that.

At the time? I was scared, more scared than I have ever been in my life. Including the time I nearly drowned.

What made me decide to get out? My boys. When my youngest was born I looked into his innocent eyes and knew that I could not/would not stay and watch them repeat their father's cycle.
Also my oldest was too well behaved, around his father he was almost mute in case he made him angry. I was allowing my children to grow up in an abusive situation.

My kids gave me a reason to get out, they gave me strength and hope when I thought there was none. I imagined them laughing, making a mess with their toys and not hiding in corners or watching their father beat their mother for almost no reason.

I had to leave for my kids sake, for their happiness, well being and to have a chance to grow into young men who would not repeat the cycle.

Yes erosman, it was a slow process, gradual, starting with small things and slowly escalating. Insults, putdowns, controlling behaviour, threatening me and mine, raising his fist, throowing things. Soon I learnt to guage what mood he was in, warning signs and body language.Knowing what the result would be if I did not do things as he wanted them to be. But at the time I didn't see it. I just performed like a puppet. I did his bidding.

I was meek, very quiet like a little scared mouse.

I look back now and think? Who was that sad woman? Knowing that I have grown and healed, knowing how lucky I am that he didn't kill me. Knowing I stayed and I should not have done.
I accept the responsibility that I stayed after the first time he hit me and have forgiven myself and him for what was done. But I will never forget what he did.