I hope I have learned, would love to know what you say.

[CelticsHeart]

The second chapter of A Dark Welcome has gone up now, the link is:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=15030

Please excuse the VERY lengthy first paragraph, when it was submitted it was infact two!, but for some reason they seem to have amalgumated.

I tried to take on all the good advice when I asked for feedback on my first submission, and I do hope I learned a little.

If you can let me know what you think I`ll be on my knees in seconds, begging thanks!

Hugs,

CH xx

PS: Special thanks go to Max Sebastian for his help in editing ( The Vol.Ed. programme is a godsend)

 

[CelticsHeart]

? Wot no feedback

Was it any good? Since no one has left any feedback I am not too sure now, I really would be interested to know.

 

[JUDO]

Feedback

I read your story. Sorry, definitely not my cup of tea, CH. I've got some feedback for you. I would have sent this by email, but you don't offer one.

The Prose:

Some adverbs seem distracting:
------
"It felt almost like my body was remembering..."

why not:

"It felt like my body was remembering..."

This seems clearer.

------

"...his strong embrace made me feel so safe."

why not:

"...his strong embrace made me feel safe."

Again, stated plainly, it seems clearer.

------

In the beginning, you seem to be trying to use the older grammatical structure for dramatic literature, but you don't stick with it throughout in the prose.

Ex.

"At first I knew not where i was..."

"Just as this day broke I was as a child..."

So, those phrases 'stick out' from your regular prose.

------

At times, your prose feels forced as though you are trying to say something very powerful, but not quite getting there.

"His heart beat a strong slow rhythm that almost seemed like music, or the chants of the holy men in prayer."

How about:

'The rythmic beating of his heart reminded me of the strong, slow chants from the holy men in prayer.'

------

Work on your metaphors, some of them are trite.

"...blood flows like a river"
"...pierced my heart like an arrow"
"...glistened like the morning dew"

------

I think that you are attempting to write in a very difficult manner. Are you trying to make the prose sound more like it's from another era as though this had been written a century ago or more? It seems that way.

When you got to the 'gift' of the ring section, that seemed to flow a little better. Many of the earlier sections where the girl is anticipating what her Master might want were getting hung up by some of the items mentioned above.

BDSM is not my cup of tea normally. I have read only one other story on it. I didn't give you a rating, it wouldn't have been fair to you. I think you see the images clearly in your mind and that's great.

If you really want to write prose and convince us it's from another era, you will have to study, copy, etc. I can't imagine attempting it myself. It would take me months of research to get it right. And dozens upon dozens of authors read to immerse my mind. It would be like writing in another language. Then perhaps the trite metaphors might work, but it would be difficult.

Could you perhaps set the story in a more modern setting, but still convey the girls embarrassment and rejection of the other women in town? And still get her feelings of darkness, subservience and domination to feel as though she were in a dungeon like atmosphere? Perhaps a modern tale where the Master tries to emulate an eariler era?

Sorry, if this seems like a bad review. I think the sex in the story is the best part, but I believe what you are attempting to pull off with the prose is very difficult.

- Judo




[Edited by JUDO on 05-19-2001 at 09:27 AM]

 

[CelticsHeart]

Thank you!

Judo,
Thaknk you. I sometimes feel that you get a better review from someone for whom the subject does nothing for. What I wanted was comment on the writing, and that was what you gave me! It is my task to put into practice then look for improvement. It was good of you to take the time to write a reply, and I do appreciate it.

Hugs,

CH xx

 

[Laurel]

Wow, Judo! I think every author should read your critique and apply your advice to their work. Excellent breakdown!

CelticsHeart - great story.

 

[CelticsHeart]

You know...

Laurel,

Thanks for your post. You know I would never have had enough guts to post let alone come on to these boards and ask for feed back if it had not been for reading all the other posts here. Even criticism that, at first glance, seems negative provides me with a goal. My stories were meant as titilation (thinks she may have spelling error on that word, but too much wine too seek out the dictionary)for my baby, but when you see it in words and than some say to you "mmmm..I loved it, or GAWD it sucks", well it makes me want to go back and make perfection in print! I value the comments of others, and in particular those who write themselves.

Literotica was a means to an end, (if you get my meaning) and now it is so much more. It has given what were just whispers in the darkness to a lovers ear a sense of purpose.
I just wanted to take a moment to say thanks to you, and all the others, who give myself and all the other newbies so much inspiration,

Hugs,

CelticsHeart xxxxxxx

 

[JUDO]

Aw, Heck!

Your very welcome, CH. I hope it helps. I couldn't just leave you 'thread bare' for another day.

Thanks L! Coming from you, I consider that high praise indeed.

And as far as applying it to everyone's work. I should start with my own. (blushing)

- Judo