I hereby ban...

[TheEarl]

Ahh glad to see you're thinking laterally here and really examining the problem.

Perhaps you could stand the mantlepiece on the battleship and then sit Mo Mowlam on the mantlepiece.

And balance the fish in the bowl on top of it.

Nobody expects the Spanish Cat in the Hat!

The Earl

 

[Guest]

Only if your quarter has some guns though!

Good point. Hold on...

...

...

...

Ok, yep, I checked. It has big guns. TFFT, eh? I would've sent it back as faulty goods and demanded a replacement WITH full refund otherwise. Bloody MOD cheapskates.

 

[wanderer2704]

No! Of course not.

.
.
.

Mantlepieces can't swim! I want them to rest on the sea. Or maybe 3 milimetres above it, I haven't decided yet.

The Earl

Wooden ones can float though, and if they had flippers they might learn to swim

 

[wanderer2704]

And balance the fish in the bowl on top of it.

Nobody expects the Spanish Cat in the Hat!

The Earl

If its big enough for Mo Mowlam should be big enough for a fish bowl or two. And the fish might be able to see the battleship...might make them feel at home.

 

[Guest]

--- The enemy have deciphered our codes, sir
--- Damn, that was our last plan. Operation Aquatic Invasion aborted.
--- But sir, what are we going to do with 30 waterproof vibrators that sing 'You are my Sunshine'?

The Earl

I'm sure they could find a use. All those months at sea and all. Especially if Anne Widdecombe or Mo Mowlem don't happen to be floating by on the mantlepiece at the time.

 

[TheEarl]

Wooden ones can float though, and if they had flippers they might learn to swim

Ah, that's where the confusion arises. My mantlepieces aren't made from wood. They're made from teapots.

The Earl

 

[Guest]

No! Of course not.

.
.
.

Mantlepieces can't swim! I want them to rest on the sea. Or maybe 3 milimetres above it, I haven't decided yet.

The Earl

Oh well, that's all right then!

Don't forget your spirit level, I'd hate to think Mo or Anne might slide off.

 

[TheEarl]

Breaking News:

Bournemouth has been invaded by the Independent Republic of Earlbonia. The populace flee in terror as scantily clad penguin stormtroopers march the streets, decorating with extreme prejudice. Quarters of battleships hang everywhere and the scenes of devastation and Mo Mowlam are horrifying. If you have small children, we recommend that you move them from the room before continuing to watch.

John Simpson reports live from a local Litizen's house...


The Earl

 

[Guest]

Ah, that's where the confusion arises. My mantlepieces aren't made from wood. They're made from teapots.

The Earl

Teapots!? Mo and Anne have copulated!?

"I'm a little teapot, short and stout..."

 

[Guest]

Breaking News:

Bournemouth has been invaded by the Independent Republic of Earlbonia. The populace flee in terror as scantily clad penguin stormtroopers march the streets, decorating with extreme prejudice. Quarters of battleships hang everywhere and the scenes of devastation and Mo Mowlam are horrifying. If you have small children, we recommend that you move them from the room before continuing to watch.

John Simpson reports live from a local Litizen's house...


The Earl

Oi, John! Piss off out of it, I'm trying to exfoliate here!

 

[neonlyte]

Ah, that's where the confusion arises. My mantlepieces aren't made from wood. They're made from teapots.

The Earl

Shouldn't that be Mantlepisces?

 

[TheEarl]

Oh well, that's all right then!

Don't forget your spirit level, I'd hate to think Mo or Anne might slide off.

I don't like working with spirits. Once you get the occult involved, you usually need to employ a lady to contact them and she's usually horrifically cheerful. Not what you want to see on a Wednesday morning.

I'll have to restrain my temper though. The last thing I want to do is strike a happy medium.

The Earl

 

[Guest]

Shouldn't that be Mantlepisces?

You're thinking too literally.

(Yo, Neon! Good to see you adding to the general mayhem that us Brits love so much. )

 

[TheEarl]

Oi, John! Piss off out of it, I'm trying to exfoliate here!

I don't think you can exfoliate with a battleship. Certainly not that quarter at least.

Can anyone else hear a muffled rendition of "You are my Sunshine"?

The Earl

 

[TheEarl]

Teapots!? Mo and Anne have copulated!?

"I'm a little teapot, short and stout..."

No, no. The teapots are from John Major and Edwina Currie.

The Earl

 

[Guest]

I don't like working with spirits. Once you get the occult involved, you usually need to employ a lady to contact them and she's usually horrifically cheerful. Not what you want to see on a Wednesday morning.

I'll have to restrain my temper though. The last thing I want to do is strike a happy medium.

The Earl

And now you've got me groaning.

(I was wondering when that might kick in. You usually have me emitting such sounds much sooner.)

 

[Guest]

I don't think you can exfoliate with a battleship. Certainly not that quarter at least.

Can anyone else hear a muffled rendition of "You are my Sunshine"?

The Earl

Good point. I wondered why it chafed so much. Anyone got any WD-40?

 

[Guest]

No, no. The teapots are from John Major and Edwina Currie.

The Earl

HA HA HA!!!!!!!!

 

[TheEarl]

And now you've got me groaning.

(I was wondering when that might kick in. You usually have me emitting such sounds much sooner.)

Are you looking for a low-rate, unsecured groan? Then call Lombard Direct!

The Earl

 

[neonlyte]

Good point. I wondered why it chafed so much. Anyone got any WD-40?

Squirting away. Any better?

 

[TheEarl]

Good point. I wondered why it chafed so much. Anyone got any WD-40?

Lou was at home, when an unexpected quarter of a battleship failed to bounce off her arse. She suffered severe chafing and was off work for 3 minutes. She recieved £4,000 compensation.

If you've been chafed by a battlehip, at home, or at work, then call Accidents Direct and see what you can claim.

The Earl

 

[Guest]

Are you looking for a low-rate, unsecured groan? Then call Lombard Direct!

The Earl

No, they don't groan nearly enough for my needs. Up to 25,000, what's that all about?

 

[Guest]

Squirting away. Any better?

Getting there. Keep it coming.

 

[TheEarl]

Squirting away. Any better?

I think the squirting is due to the singing dildo.

The Earl

 

[TheEarl]

No, they don't groan nearly enough for my needs. Up to 25,000, what's that all about?

But you could condense all of your groans into one compact monthly outburst.

Have you got more coming out than you've got coming in?

Not our Tatelou!

The Earl