I Have Issues

[BiBunny]

I need to ramble. Humor me please? (Mods, move this to the Cafe if you deem it necessary. I wasn't sure where to put it.)

I've been doing some serious, hardcore introspection lately. I have not spoken to B. in over a week, and when (if) we do speak again, it will probably be to end our relationship. I'm tired of his excuses and his bullshit, and I've realized it's time to do something for me for a change.

I didn't post the above paragraph for pity or hugs or anything. I just wanted to say why I've studying myself so much recently.

Anyhow, I've really been looking at myself and the way I handle my BDSM-oriented relationships. There are so many submissives on this board whom I admire very much--Cat, Shy, ADR, the Mouse, KC, and many others. (There are also dominants and switches I admire very much, too, lest anyone feel left out!) I wish I could be like these subs I admire. They have their shit together, and they're strong enough that they don't NEED anyone to take care of them.

I've realized that I'm probably not like that. I believe I'm a masochist, a sensation junkie, who hides behind the umbrella term "submissive" because I need someone to hold me up. I don't know if I'm "really" submissive or not (and, yes, I know it really doesn't matter because "real" submission is just a matter of semantics, anyway), or if I'm just another one of those dumb-ass bitches who's looking for her white knight.

I don't know if my self-assessment is accurate or not. It's certainly colored by my experiences of late. I've known for a long time that I don't have a strong personality, and I guess I expect my partner to make up for it. I just want to be one of those strong subs who doesn't NEED anyone and who doesn't get her submission wrapped up in her NEED for another person.

On the other hand, I'm not one of those girls who drops to her knees for much of anyone, so I don't know.

Yeah, I'm rambling and not making sense. I don't even think there's a point to this thread. I'm sorry, y'all.

 

[CutieMouse]

Anyhow, I've really been looking at myself and the way I handle my BDSM-oriented relationships. There are so many submissives on this board whom I admire very much--Cat, Shy, ADR, the Mouse, KC, and many others. (There are also dominants and switches I admire very much, too, lest anyone feel left out!) I wish I could be like these subs I admire. They have their shit together, and they're strong enough that they don't NEED anyone to take care of them.

Yeah, I'm rambling and not making sense. I don't even think there's a point to this thread. I'm sorry, y'all.

No need to apologize... rambles are sometimes the best way to work through all the jumble in your head. : And dear goddess do I so totally NOT have my shit together in any way shape of form. Really. I am so good at the faking it thing, I occasionally convince even myself I have my shit together, but for the most part, I am a mess in the relationship department just like every other human being on the planet.

Taking care of yourself first is the #1 order of business. Even if you suck at it. Even if you screw it up.

Lather, rinse, repeat.
(espeically if you aren't very good at it)

 

[myinnerslut]

i am sorry for the potential/probable end of relationship. and im not sure if i ever told you this, but your one of the people on lit that i admire. so dont be too hard on yourself. {{hugs}}

 

[graceanne]

My mother once told me not to judge your insides by other people's outsides. There is nothing wrong with being who you are. You are just fine, and one of the people on lit I'll look at a thread just to see what you said. I think you are probably stronger than you think you are, but even if you aren't, who cares? You are just fine the way you are. *hugs*

*leaves cookie for bb*

 

[AngelicAssassin]

I believe I'm a masochist, a sensation junkie, who hides behind the umbrella term "submissive" because I need someone to hold me up. I don't know if I'm "really" submissive or not (and, yes, I know it really doesn't matter because "real" submission is just a matter of semantics, anyway), or if I'm just another one of those dumb-ass bitches who's looking for her white knight.

I don't know if my self-assessment is accurate or not. It's certainly colored by my experiences of late. I've known for a long time that I don't have a strong personality, and I guess I expect my partner to make up for it. I just want to be one of those strong subs who doesn't NEED anyone and who doesn't get her submission wrapped up in her NEED for another person.

i don't know you well enough to comment on your "need someone to hold me up," but i'm pretty sure the mentioned identities don't look for a white knight, so we can eliminate dumb ass bitch. i also wouldn't be so sure about lack of strong personality.

Not one of those girls who drops to her knees for much of anyone

doesn't equate to doormat in my book, nor many others i'd imagine. i'm getting a little confused with the last two lines, but that may be my own bias concerning want and need.

and who doesn't get her submission wrapped up in her NEED for another person

is a fine line many walk, but again only me opining. Based on the opening concerning B. and your "frustration" if you will, i'll withhold comment save the following. We've all been, or will be in a relationship where the other person(s) do(es)n't do exactly as we dreamed/wished they would. Only you can decide what you're getting ain't close enough to what you're needing. For the record, what you're wanting isn't necessarily a bad place to start withdrawing either.

Lastly, and not for vexation purposes, but in all honesty, when did want of kink become exclusive of need for another person?

 

[BiBunny]

CutieMouse, I don't know that I buy that. I'm the one who does a good imitation of having my shit together. I think you really do have it together. Either way, thank you for your kind words.

Myinnerslut, I admire you as well. (Don't you just love the mutual lovefest we've got going on here?) You made me tear up a little.

 

[BiBunny]

My mother once told me not to judge your insides by other people's outsides. There is nothing wrong with being who you are. You are just fine, and one of the people on lit I'll look at a thread just to see what you said. I think you are probably stronger than you think you are, but even if you aren't, who cares? You are just fine the way you are. *hugs*

*leaves cookie for bb*

Thank you, gracie ('specially for the cookie). You, too, are one of the folks I look up to.

Lastly, and not for vexation purposes, but in all honesty, when did want of kink become exclusive of need for another person?

I appreciate all your comments, AA. I'd really like to address this sentence, but I'm not sure I'm able to wrap my head around it at the moment. I'll come back to it.

 

[graceanne]

Thank you, gracie ('specially for the cookie). You, too, are one of the folks I look up to.

LOL Thank you, but I think that just shows maybe I should take my own advice. I can't, for the life of me, figure out why you'd look up to me. lol

 

[Marquis]

This is a great topic, I'll be back with my comments later.

 

[BiBunny]

This is a great topic, I'll be back with my comments later.

Thank you. While I risk turning this thread into a mushy lovefest, you, too, are one of those people whom I look up to.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Thank you, gracie ('specially for the cookie). You, too, are one of the folks I look up to.

I can't, for the life of me, figure out why you'd look up to me. lol

Considering you're short, she'd have to kneel. Wait, you'd be one of the lucky few then, huh? http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-8/363868/FastLick.gif

I appreciate all your comments, AA. I'd really like to address this sentence,

Lastly, and not for vexation purposes, but in all honesty, when did want of kink become exclusive of need for another person?

but I'm not sure I'm able to wrap my head around it at the moment. I'll come back to it.

And therein lies the deep water. You've time, oodles of it. If i'm not mistaken, you've another interest. Hell woman, be picky. If you need a sensation fix, find a safe group of folks in the lifestyle that wouldn't mind a practice dummy, no insult intended, to work on their technique, and all with no strings attached.

 

[shy slave]

BB, I hope writing it down has helped you sort some of the things that are going on in your life.

Making decisions about relationships is never easy.

I am flattered that you have said you admire me, but really I am not someone who should be in that category.

Most days I do not have my head together, not even close to it.

I struggle alot with much of what is in my head, and then expect Andante to help me figure it out.

I agree with everything others have said here about you.

Whatever you are coping with, you are a strong person and will get through it.

Winston Churchill said: "When walking through hell, keep walking"

As long as you are focusing on doing something, which includes writing on Lit, throwing things and crying; you will be ok.

 

[neonflux]

I need to ramble. Humor me please? (Mods, move this to the Cafe if you deem it necessary. I wasn't sure where to put it.)

I've been doing some serious, hardcore introspection lately. I have not spoken to B. in over a week, and when (if) we do speak again, it will probably be to end our relationship. I'm tired of his excuses and his bullshit, and I've realized it's time to do something for me for a change.

I didn't post the above paragraph for pity or hugs or anything. I just wanted to say why I've studying myself so much recently.

My heart goes out to you right now - and there is NO! pitty here. To know someone is not good for you and still love them at the same time - I have certainly been there. To recognize that so quickly and to be willing to act on that understanding - well, let's just say that I'm joining the "Bunny Admiration Club." (It took me over 4 years to break up with my ex after realizing same, so maybe you should sign me up as the club's new president, LOL...)

Anyhow, I've really been looking at myself and the way I handle my BDSM-oriented relationships. There are so many submissives on this board whom I admire very much--Cat, Shy, ADR, the Mouse, KC, and many others. (There are also dominants and switches I admire very much, too, lest anyone feel left out!) I wish I could be like these subs I admire. They have their shit together, and they're strong enough that they don't NEED anyone to take care of them.

I've realized that I'm probably not like that. I believe I'm a masochist, a sensation junkie, who hides behind the umbrella term "submissive" because I need someone to hold me up. I don't know if I'm "really" submissive or not (and, yes, I know it really doesn't matter because "real" submission is just a matter of semantics, anyway), or if I'm just another one of those dumb-ass bitches who's looking for her white knight.

IS wanting intimacy, love, someone to lean on, to call home a sign of not having one's shit together? Or a sign of "fake" submission? Or just a part of being human... BTW, when I was going through my break-up last year, the Dom who gave me my cleansing (which is where my formal exploration started) was also going through a break-up with a woman he'd hoped to marry. I cannot tell you the times he called just to talk about how sad he was, how much he missed her...

I don't know if my self-assessment is accurate or not. It's certainly colored by my experiences of late. I've known for a long time that I don't have a strong personality, and I guess I expect my partner to make up for it. I just want to be one of those strong subs who doesn't NEED anyone and who doesn't get her submission wrapped up in her NEED for another person.

On the other hand, I'm not one of those girls who drops to her knees for much of anyone, so I don't know.

Yeah, I'm rambling and not making sense. I don't even think there's a point to this thread. I'm sorry, y'all.

Is having strength at odds with making oneself vulnerable and open to love? Or admitting one's hurt? Or having a desire for human intimacy? (whether vanilla, kinky, submissive, dominant, switch...) I have a friend and mentor, someone who I admire greatly, who once told me that those of us in "the scene" are actually all incurable romantics. It's been my experience that hurting makes one feel vulnerable and needy and also that it takes strength to acknowledge one's hurt...

With lots of 's
~ Neon

 

[A Desert Rose]

I need to ramble. Humor me please? (Mods, move this to the Cafe if you deem it necessary. I wasn't sure where to put it.)

I've been doing some serious, hardcore introspection lately. I have not spoken to B. in over a week, and when (if) we do speak again, it will probably be to end our relationship. I'm tired of his excuses and his bullshit, and I've realized it's time to do something for me for a change.

I didn't post the above paragraph for pity or hugs or anything. I just wanted to say why I've studying myself so much recently.

Good, because I’m not so good with the huggy-kissy stuff. LOL

Anyhow, I've really been looking at myself and the way I handle my BDSM-oriented relationships. There are so many submissives on this board whom I admire very much--Cat, Shy, ADR, the Mouse, KC, and many others. (There are also dominants and switches I admire very much, too, lest anyone feel left out!) I wish I could be like these subs I admire. They have their shit together, and they're strong enough that they don't NEED anyone to take care of them.

Color me surprised!!! Or in this case, red... I made a list of sorts and a good one, at that.
I do have my shit together about most of my life. Add about 20 years and you will, too. ;-) Regardless of what anyone says, life experiences are what make people who and what they become. The more you have, the more character you develop, the stronger you become, the more self reliant you are, the more self actualized you become and the more discerning you are in the partners you have. (The less patience you have for nitwits too, but that’s another thread...)

Do I need someone to take care of me? I guess, no, not technically. Do I want to feel cared for and about? Yes, just like you and everyone else.

I've realized that I'm probably not like that. I believe I'm a masochist, a sensation junkie, who hides behind the umbrella term "submissive" because I need someone to hold me up. I don't know if I'm "really" submissive or not (and, yes, I know it really doesn't matter because "real" submission is just a matter of semantics, anyway), or if I'm just another one of those dumb-ass bitches who's looking for her white knight.

I don't know if my self-assessment is accurate or not. It's certainly colored by my experiences of late. I've known for a long time that I don't have a strong personality, and I guess I expect my partner to make up for it. I just want to be one of those strong subs who doesn't NEED anyone and who doesn't get her submission wrapped up in her NEED for another person.

I disagree with you assessment that you don’t have a strong personality. I’ve not seen anything of the sort, in your postings. But partners do enhance each other or they should. They should compliment each other. They should not be props, or crutches for the other’s short falls. They should be nets for disaster and hard times, though.

And who knows... maybe you’re not as much a submissive as you are more of a switch. And all this hand wringing and stuff is for nothing. It makes you something I wish I could be. It certainly does not make you less valuable or less worthy or less anything. It means you are multi-faceted ;-) like everyone else. I’m not one to tell you what/who you are. But I will tell you to experience and enjoy the learning on your road to finding the place you feel comfortable in.

Soul searching is good. Reflection is good. The more people you meet, the more friends you make, the more experiences you have, the more rounded a person you will be. The more you learn. And your experience with B. is another of those rungs on the learning ladder. Whether your relationship continues or not, you will have taken away from it lots of things that you aren’t even aware of and might never be consciously aware of. But B. will always be part of any future relationships you have, in one way or another. (You’ve heard that old saw: You’re not just sleeping with X but everyone X has ever slept with before you? lol There’s a lot of truth to that.)

On the other hand, I'm not one of those girls who drops to her knees for much of anyone, so I don't know.

All the submissives you named (including yourself) and others we both know, don’t drop to their knees for just anyone. Being discerning does not make anyone less of a submissive. It makes her/him a smart(er) submissive. Not only is that something to be proud of but it’s something for a good, prospective Dom/me to be looking for in a submissive. Any Dom/me who isn’t looking for that in a sub, is looking for a whipping post or a doormat, but most definitely not a long term, serious relationship.

Yeah, I'm rambling and not making sense. I don't even think there's a point to this thread. I'm sorry, y'all.

I think there’s a point and I think you’re on your way to finding it. It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it and most of the time, it’s a helluva lot of fun!!! Just stop worrying so much and enjoy your life and the choices you make. You don't need to fit into some imaginary peg board.

For God’s sake, bunny life is short and you’re still so young and pretty and smart... HAVE FUN!!! ;-)

 

[CutieMouse]

CutieMouse, I don't know that I buy that. I'm the one who does a good imitation of having my shit together. I think you really do have it together. Either way, thank you for your kind words.

Pfft! I could so run circles around your imitation of being on top of things. I've had about 10 or 12 years longer than you to practice, ya know.

Bunny you are slowly getting it together. You are questioning the good and bad, assessing the risk/benifit stuff, and making hard decisions. You're doing good. I wish I had the strength to questions my thoughts and decisions out loud, where anyone and everyone could grant input. You've been wandering towards that "Mmmm... yeah I'm out." place for a while now; it doesnt' make you less desireable, less kinky, less submissive, less bunny-ish, or less anything. It makes you you- a young woman who deserves to be loved and cherished, respected and understood regardless of how many partners it takes to believe it.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Yeah!

Ditto!

What they said!

In spades!

*crosses his arms and looks smug*

But if you want to practice that on your knees thing, I'm available...

 

[BiBunny]

Yeah!

Ditto!

What they said!

In spades!

*crosses his arms and looks smug*

But if you want to practice that on your knees thing, I'm available...

*Giggle* Your responses always make me happy.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Firstly, I am sorry for your pain right now, but you have been wise and waited until it felt right for you to make this decision, and go with it...that is not always easy to do, but you have. ADR just about said it all for me...it was a great post. I am able to cope with most things life throws at me, sometimes I allow myself the luxury to fall for a moment to gather the strength to get up and fight back, but in no way do I think I am that together that I always make the right decision, do the right thing, and don't spend endless hours beating up on myself for one thing or another, nor have I always been this way. LOL, ask F, I am a basket case more times than I care to admit!! Add to that my greatest disappointment in that I am nowhere near being the slave I want and wanted to be, am nowhere near being a good slave, and most days I feel I really am not worthy of the title 'slave' at all....we all have our insecurities and disappointments...what counts is continuing to work toward the ultimate goal.

You can only be you, and that alone is unique and special. If you spend time wanting to be like someone else, you lose precious time living your own truth by chasing what is usually an illusion. Lit is a great forum which is one reason why I stick around even on those days when it doesn't seem that great, but one of the things I do know about it is there are some things which don't get talked about by some, some illusions created to hide a maybe harsher or unpleasant reality, which creates this view that some of us are near perfect and are living the dream. Pffftt...there are days I am living the dream, but there are days I am living a nightmare...it is life and reality, it is hard work, and it is real. You are already well on your way on your journey and are able to be open and honest about it, recognise the things you need to change for you, know the things you need, and go out for them....that is not weak, nor is it easy. As ADR said, life is a great teacher nad what you have to look forward to is in another 20-30 years looking back and realising what once was a mountain to climb has become so much easier, perhaps even insignificant. That is one of my greatest joys in getting older...that which I call freedom.

Catalina

 

[intothewoods]

Just wanted to say, BiBunny, that I'm sorry you're feeling down on yourself, but you're a smart cookie, and you ARE figuring your shit out.

 

[missofdarkness]

a wonderfull post bi bunny

 

[Evil_Geoff]

*Giggle* Your responses always make me happy.

That, BiBunny, is my purpose and intent. *waggles his eyebrows and dusts his hands off* My job here is done!

 

[Ice2000]

BB



I have read enough of your posts to know you do have a good head on your shoulders. We all face situations that challenge. Don't beat yourself up because you think others have managed success in relationships. Odds are things arent perfect there either.

The sun will come up tomorrow and you will land on your feet to play another day.

 

[BiBunny]

Hey, y'all, I'm sorry I haven't responded to my own thread lately. I'm just feeling sort of overwhelmed by the whole thing, but I really, really appreciate all the lovely responses I've gotten. I'll probably come back to this thread when I've got my head more together.

 

[Perfect_Trust]

Like it or not your post shows you DO have strength of character. Possibly you are just looking for someone else with a stronger character than your own? I quite often feel like I haven't got my shit together, but the men I meet tend to have it 'less together' than myself which means I cannot be with them, at least not for long.