I have a conundrum.

[Jada59]

In a nutshell: My divorce wss final not quite 8 years ago.

I’m not really actively looking for a new man. But if I did find one, it would be great!

What I seem to have is 3 different guys who keep trying to come back.

I got a message from one earlier. HE broke up with ME 3 times. He was one that I gave a second chance to. But… 2nd time around, things got bad. I won’t get into that unless you specifically ask me to. I don’t like to bad mouth people. I will just say that I caught him in a series of lies. I even gave him a chance to come clean. But he continued to lie. So now I feel like not only can I not trust him, but I never really knew him.

The other two are almost interchangeable in terms of what they do. They come on hot and heavy. But then after I see them, they kind of disappear. Then they at some future time, expect me to take them back as if nothing had happened!

The one guy texted me pretty much every day for like 7-8 months! But it seemed he was always busy or sick or his dad needed him or…. Mind you we’ve been together off and on for probably 6-7 years.

We had long talks. I flat out told him what I wanted. And if he couldn’t give me that, then to find someone else. He promised me he had changed. Um… Apparently not.

Same with the other guy. Together off and on for 6-7 years. The last time I saw him, he wanted me to marry him. I don’t know that I want marriage. But we had made some future plans.

And then? He disappeared. I got one half hearted message since. I just told him I didn’t believe he wanted to see me.

So I guess where I’m going with all of this is: I want a man. A local (Seattle area) man who isn’t going to keep disappearing or lying. Preferably long term. And someone who likes sex. I don’t want a relationship that is sex based only. But for some reason, I keep finding men who either hate sex or have no interest in it. They are not for me.

I will add that the second man I mentioned, does have some sex issues. I can deal with that! But maybe he can’t. And maybe that’s why he disappears. Idk. I would talk about it with him but I don’t want to be the one to bring it up. That might be awkward.

Anyhoo… I realize that I probably won’t find my guy here on Lit. I don’t think there are very many local to me. I have spoken to some and have met two IRL. We just didn’t have much in common but they seemed like great guys.

I’m to the point now that if any of these guys contact me again, I will tell them that I won’t see them. I did block the guy who contacted me earlier. But I doubt that will be his last attempt.

So… What can I do? Any suggestions? My trust level is down. I feel I am grasping at straws.

You can PM me if you want.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

 

[Marcax]

Sounds like you’ve had a rough time with several assholes. I hope you find what you’re looking for. But just remember that you can be happy without them too.

 

[Samdesu]

As a fellow western Washington person, I'm always down for more friends!

 

[Jada59]

As a fellow western Washington person, I'm always down for more friends!

Well hello there!

 

[Jada59]

Sounds like you’ve had a rough time with several assholes. I hope you find what you’re looking for. But just remember that you can be happy without them too.

I wouldn’t go as far as to call them names.

I am happy. But sometimes a snuggle would be nice.

 

[Papi34]

In a nutshell: My divorce wss final not quite 8 years ago.

I’m not really actively looking for a new man. But if I did find one, it would be great!

What I seem to have is 3 different guys who keep trying to come back.

I got a message from one earlier. HE broke up with ME 3 times. He was one that I gave a second chance to. But… 2nd time around, things got bad. I won’t get into that unless you specifically ask me to. I don’t like to bad mouth people. I will just say that I caught him in a series of lies. I even gave him a chance to come clean. But he continued to lie. So now I feel like not only can I not trust him, but I never really knew him.

The other two are almost interchangeable in terms of what they do. They come on hot and heavy. But then after I see them, they kind of disappear. Then they at some future time, expect me to take them back as if nothing had happened!

The one guy texted me pretty much every day for like 7-8 months! But it seemed he was always busy or sick or his dad needed him or…. Mind you we’ve been together off and on for probably 6-7 years.

We had long talks. I flat out told him what I wanted. And if he couldn’t give me that, then to find someone else. He promised me he had changed. Um… Apparently not.

Same with the other guy. Together off and on for 6-7 years. The last time I saw him, he wanted me to marry him. I don’t know that I want marriage. But we had made some future plans.

And then? He disappeared. I got one half hearted message since. I just told him I didn’t believe he wanted to see me.

So I guess where I’m going with all of this is: I want a man. A local (Seattle area) man who isn’t going to keep disappearing or lying. Preferably long term. And someone who likes sex. I don’t want a relationship that is sex based only. But for some reason, I keep finding men who either hate sex or have no interest in it. They are not for me.

I will add that the second man I mentioned, does have some sex issues. I can deal with that! But maybe he can’t. And maybe that’s why he disappears. Idk. I would talk about it with him but I don’t want to be the one to bring it up. That might be awkward.

Anyhoo… I realize that I probably won’t find my guy here on Lit. I don’t think there are very many local to me. I have spoken to some and have met two IRL. We just didn’t have much in common but they seemed like great guys.

I’m to the point now that if any of these guys contact me again, I will tell them that I won’t see them. I did block the guy who contacted me earlier. But I doubt that will be his last attempt.

So… What can I do? Any suggestions? My trust level is down. I feel I am grasping at straws.

You can PM me if you want.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

You definitely do not need any of those 3 in your life in any capacity. Especially the liar, he will never change. In my experience, don't force anything, and try to make it happen. When you least expect it, boom, it will hit you

 

[Jada59]

You definitely do not need any of those 3 in your life in any capacity. Especially the liar, he will never change. In my experience, don't force anything, and try to make it happen. When you least expect it, boom, it will hit you

That’s what I think too. Thanks!

 

[Papi34]

That’s what I think too. Thanks!

You're welcome. You seem like a nice person and very sensible, but after getting let down and screwed over by those 3 guys, sometimes your mind convinces you that you need someone else and you try to force it. It always happens when you are not thinking about it. I'm sure you already knew that, but each and every one of us has to be reminded every now and then

 

[Jada59]

You are right of course! Thanks!

 

[Pad_Foot]

You deserve stress free snuggles !!

 

[Jada59]

You deserve stress free snuggles !!

Thank you!

 

[NippleMuncher]

I'm going to go out on a limb here and offer some honest feedback.

You really aren't any different from any other single person here wishing for a significant other. What you are finding has much less to do about THEM and more to do about YOU. What you are finding is a reflection of what you are putting out. Refine your parameters and you will attract different people. Trust me, I know this is very hard to understand, but when you do, you will literally see a night and day difference in those who are attracted to you, further, YOU will see them for who they are and not enter into a relationship to begin with.

We all tend to get caught up in the packaging (physical attributes we find attractive) and ignore all the red flags that we'd normally say F-off to. I am no different, I've succumbed to this same thing multiple times. The thing is, when you define the characteristics that you find attractive AND you define the characteristics that you'd want as a significant other, you THEN must also prioritize what is best for you. Spoiler alert, you can have both!

I will also say that the older we get, the less shit we're willing to put up with from a prospective partner. Nobody is expecting perfection, but, again, honesty, we just want to be who we are and have somebody accept us for who we are without the drama and bullshit that society/media/TV says we have to put up with just to have a companion in life. It all starts with you, and until you recognize that, you will continue down the path of pathetic suitors.

 

[Jada59]

Thank you. This is true. It is all us pushed out. Neville Goddard.

 

[MasterDarcy]

It's not a conundrum.

Sounds like an easy decision.

You spent a cumulative 12-14 years (on and off) with two of them? This is why it's so difficult for you to break the chains. Familiarity breeds contempt. It also breeds habitual behaviour.

The best thing you can do with the three stooges is break off all contact with them and stop the cycle.

As far as moving forward goes, the best thing you can do is cast the net as far and wide as you can. Meaning you should download and join aa many dating apps, etc, as you can.

Personally, I never rule out long distance dynamics. It's hard enough finding a compatible person as it is without throwing in distance as a stumbling block.

Good luck.

 

[DinglyDangly]

In a nutshell: My divorce wss final not quite 8 years ago.

I’m not really actively looking for a new man. But if I did find one, it would be great!

What I seem to have is 3 different guys who keep trying to come back.

I got a message from one earlier. HE broke up with ME 3 times. He was one that I gave a second chance to. But… 2nd time around, things got bad. I won’t get into that unless you specifically ask me to. I don’t like to bad mouth people. I will just say that I caught him in a series of lies. I even gave him a chance to come clean. But he continued to lie. So now I feel like not only can I not trust him, but I never really knew him.

The other two are almost interchangeable in terms of what they do. They come on hot and heavy. But then after I see them, they kind of disappear. Then they at some future time, expect me to take them back as if nothing had happened!

The one guy texted me pretty much every day for like 7-8 months! But it seemed he was always busy or sick or his dad needed him or…. Mind you we’ve been together off and on for probably 6-7 years.

We had long talks. I flat out told him what I wanted. And if he couldn’t give me that, then to find someone else. He promised me he had changed. Um… Apparently not.

Same with the other guy. Together off and on for 6-7 years. The last time I saw him, he wanted me to marry him. I don’t know that I want marriage. But we had made some future plans.

And then? He disappeared. I got one half hearted message since. I just told him I didn’t believe he wanted to see me.

So I guess where I’m going with all of this is: I want a man. A local (Seattle area) man who isn’t going to keep disappearing or lying. Preferably long term. And someone who likes sex. I don’t want a relationship that is sex based only. But for some reason, I keep finding men who either hate sex or have no interest in it. They are not for me.

I will add that the second man I mentioned, does have some sex issues. I can deal with that! But maybe he can’t. And maybe that’s why he disappears. Idk. I would talk about it with him but I don’t want to be the one to bring it up. That might be awkward.

Anyhoo… I realize that I probably won’t find my guy here on Lit. I don’t think there are very many local to me. I have spoken to some and have met two IRL. We just didn’t have much in common but they seemed like great guys.

I’m to the point now that if any of these guys contact me again, I will tell them that I won’t see them. I did block the guy who contacted me earlier. But I doubt that will be his last attempt.

So… What can I do? Any suggestions? My trust level is down. I feel I am grasping at straws.

You can PM me if you want.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

You say you'll not find a guy on here I thought that to, but a year ago, I got chatting to a lass, then spoke on the phone, finally met and it went from strength to strength. We celebrated our first year together in September, so anything is possible.

 

[TheLateNightFantasy]

I think your a little older than I and at the point your looking for stability, a companion, Someone you know no matter what will catch you if you fall. If that brings the added warmth of nakie cuddles under a blanket with raunchy film along with any perks you may still desire then who am I to argue.

I think the 3 listed above fall short of what your looking for. It's great you have given 2nd, or even 3rd chances and we do tend to revert to familiarity. I think I would drown in the modern dating world. I think you should decline any probably all contact because if you don't you will wake up every day thinking is today the next hurdle where you should be planning little houses with white picket fences.

Go out into the world, you never know who may bump into you queuing for coffee.

 

[Jada59]

Thank you!

 

[Jada59]

You say you'll not find a guy on here I thought that to, but a year ago, I got chatting to a lass, then spoke on the phone, finally met and it went from strength to strength. We celebrated our first year together in September, so anything is possible.

Oooh. Very cool!

 

[Jada59]

It's not a conundrum.

Sounds like an easy decision.

You spent a cumulative 12-14 years (on and off) with two of them? This is why it's so difficult for you to break the chains. Familiarity breeds contempt. It also breeds habitual behaviour.

The best thing you can do with the three stooges is break off all contact with them and stop the cycle.

As far as moving forward goes, the best thing you can do is cast the net as far and wide as you can. Meaning you should download and join aa many dating apps, etc, as you can.

Personally, I never rule out long distance dynamics. It's hard enough finding a compatible person as it is without throwing in distance as a stumbling block.

Good luck.

It wasn’t that long. I’ve been divorced not quite 8 years.

Yes, familiarity is one thing. However, I guess I have to admit that all were essentially liars. I had long talks with two of them. In the one case, we talked pretty much daily for hours! For seven months!

I was like… Why? If you have that much time, then why are we not physically together? He kept saying he was busy. Oh yeah? You contact me the minute you get home. We chat through making dinner. You take a shower, then you contact me again before bed!

His excuse was that he was afraid that my adult daughter would like him. She thought she wouldn’t like him. But they chatted. Dude! She wouldn’t be chatting with you if she didn’t like you! And then they met. And it wad good.

Idk about him. Maybe he’s an avoidant? Could be. But there's nothing I can do about that. I wasn’t put on this earth to change people. Certainly I can help them find direction. If that's what they want. But I fint force stuff on people.

Maybe the other one wanted a sugar mama? I’m leaning towards that. I am sort of mama to all because I love to cook for people. Whatever they want. And when they are at my house I want them to feel free and comfortable. But I don’t “keep” people.

I think I need to remove my rose colored glasses. I do know a man who changed. Very much for the better. His decision. It was all good.

I myself always seek to do better. To improve myself.

But reality can bite. Not everyone thinks like this or is capable of change. Or being truthful.

Thanks for your insight!

 

[OralAllOver]

In a nutshell: My divorce wss final not quite 8 years ago.

I’m not really actively looking for a new man. But if I did find one, it would be great!

What I seem to have is 3 different guys who keep trying to come back.

I got a message from one earlier. HE broke up with ME 3 times. He was one that I gave a second chance to. But… 2nd time around, things got bad. I won’t get into that unless you specifically ask me to. I don’t like to bad mouth people. I will just say that I caught him in a series of lies. I even gave him a chance to come clean. But he continued to lie. So now I feel like not only can I not trust him, but I never really knew him.

The other two are almost interchangeable in terms of what they do. They come on hot and heavy. But then after I see them, they kind of disappear. Then they at some future time, expect me to take them back as if nothing had happened!

The one guy texted me pretty much every day for like 7-8 months! But it seemed he was always busy or sick or his dad needed him or…. Mind you we’ve been together off and on for probably 6-7 years.

We had long talks. I flat out told him what I wanted. And if he couldn’t give me that, then to find someone else. He promised me he had changed. Um… Apparently not.

Same with the other guy. Together off and on for 6-7 years. The last time I saw him, he wanted me to marry him. I don’t know that I want marriage. But we had made some future plans.

And then? He disappeared. I got one half hearted message since. I just told him I didn’t believe he wanted to see me.

So I guess where I’m going with all of this is: I want a man. A local (Seattle area) man who isn’t going to keep disappearing or lying. Preferably long term. And someone who likes sex. I don’t want a relationship that is sex based only. But for some reason, I keep finding men who either hate sex or have no interest in it. They are not for me.

I will add that the second man I mentioned, does have some sex issues. I can deal with that! But maybe he can’t. And maybe that’s why he disappears. Idk. I would talk about it with him but I don’t want to be the one to bring it up. That might be awkward.

Anyhoo… I realize that I probably won’t find my guy here on Lit. I don’t think there are very many local to me. I have spoken to some and have met two IRL. We just didn’t have much in common but they seemed like great guys.

I’m to the point now that if any of these guys contact me again, I will tell them that I won’t see them. I did block the guy who contacted me earlier. But I doubt that will be his last attempt.

So… What can I do? Any suggestions? My trust level is down. I feel I am grasping at straws.

You can PM me if you want.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

1) This all well intentioned. And I could be wrong
2) Bad news is that it kinda, sorta, really sounds like you are attracted to avoident men. Pain inducing, sorry
3) Good news is that tomorrow is a new day and that progress is right there to be achieved. Without a new man for now ...

https://psychcentral.com/blog/love-matters/2018/07/16-signs-of-an-avoidant-or-unavailable-partner#3

 

[Jada59]

1) This all well intentioned. And I could be wrong
2) Bad news is that it kinda, sorta, really sounds like you are attracted to avoident men. Pain inducing, sorry
3) Good news is that tomorrow is a new day and that progress is right there to be achieved. Without a new man for now ...

https://psychcentral.com/blog/love-matters/2018/07/16-signs-of-an-avoidant-or-unavailable-partner#3

Thank you. The third one isn’t avoidant at all. Just a liar.

 

[TheLateNightFantasy]

I was like… Why? If you have that much time, then why are we not physically together? He kept saying he was busy. Oh yeah? You contact me the minute you get home. We chat through making dinner. You take a shower, then you contact me again before bed!

I remember the days of early relationship calls. The anticipation of hearing a voice though the words were generally meaningless 'What are you doing?', 'Making the bed, shame I'll be sharing it with the pussy (cat)'.

When I was young, I was impatient. I knew what I wanted. I didn't appreciate a 26yr old nurse, 12hr hard shift, 8hrs (or more) sleep actually had little time. She did however, phone me for the 10 minutes it took to walk from the hospital to her door. The odd occasion she was in the bath. I do still wonder what happened to her.

Today's WhatsApp makes it easier but less personal, enjoyable. I think I would struggle with someone who never had time for a pointless chat in the early stages. Even now, 25yrs on, if Im in a hotel my wife and I still phone to say goodnight.

 

[Scotchlander]

Jada, i think you need to avoid all three of these guys to break out the vicious circle you appear to be in.

If you do not have any luck finding a nice man that likes sex, then change where you are looking, i would have thought Lit personals would be ideal.

 

[TheLateNightFantasy]

Jada, i think you need to avoid all three of these guys to break out the vicious circle you appear to be in.

If you do not have any luck finding a nice man that likes sex, then change where you are looking, i would have thought Lit personals would be ideal.

I find it interesting to find we each have different ideas on what @Jada59 is looking for. Our interpretations slightly diffrent. Would it be inpolite to hold a vote?

The advise is unanimous.

 

[Solid_wave]

I think it's good to go for just yourself. You've told the guys what you need, and if they're not fit for that, leave them. It's wise not to respond to any messages, even though getting the attention of them is giving some dopamine rushes too off course. It's tough Jada. But you'll manage it.
Do fun stuff, and by not reacting to those men, you'll be building more and more self-esteem to find that decent guy!
Too bad I'm on the other side of the water.