I fucked up...

[Nabä]

{yeah, this is probably an Alt, but hey - sometimes you need one}

About three months ago I cocked up rather badly. I was having problems with work, with my gf, with the meaning of life - in short I didn't know what the fuck to do, I didn't know if I was doing what I wanted to be doing at that point in my life, I felt trapped in a life that wasn't really all that I had expected it would be.

Then I met a girl I hadn't seen for about a year. When we'd met on a trip there had been sparks and hormones in the air, but my relationship had been doing quite well then and I'd let her know as much. This time round I wasn't doing so well, and one thing led to another... and I found myself at her place, sharing a couple of beers (lying to my gf on the phone that I was somewhere else) and ended up kissing and groping with her.

It didn't go any further because I finally managed to summon up enough resolve and get out of there, cycling home with my head spinning. I resolved to tell my gf what had happened the next day, but the words wouldn't come out. So ti goes, I guess - lies happen because we fear the truth. I don't know now what emotions I had for the other girl, probably lust and probably infatuation.

The next day a car hit my gf on a bicycle crossing, breaking her leg and collarbone. Suddenly my whole world collapsed, because every resolution I had made of telling her what a fuck I'd been suddenly flew out the window. To add insult to injury I was still infatuated with the other girl.

I visited my gf at the hospital every day - was it out of duty or because I loved her? Both, I think. But the problem was that I was at the same time *in* love with the other girl. I met the other girl twice while my gf was in hospital, both times ostenebly to make an end of things and both times we ended up making out. Obviously, I was wading deeper and deeper into shit, I knew I was wading into shit and my knowledge wasn't helping at all.

When my gf got out of hospital she went home and we didn't see each other for about ten days. During this time I decided to break things off with her, because I was being a total asshole to all involved and I wanted to salvage at least my reputation if not my conscience. I couldn't do it, but I did manage to make out with the other girl one more time. At about this time, convinced that I obviously didn't have myself under any kind of control I fled to the countryside for a week.

My relations with my gf were obviously rather turbulent by this time. I still loved her, ostenably we had broken up because "I was having trouble with being in a relationship" - which was something of an understatement - and when we met we tended to have sex. Messy, in short. I went to see the other girl again, to finish things once and for all - and we ended up making out again. No sex, but close enough that this detail doesn't matter much. It was there and then that I realised I couldn't do this. Even if I broke up, I wouldn't stay with this girl - conscience or whatever it was had obviously doused the spark, and whatever would remain would be only physical. I left again. I heard the other girl on the phone one more time, more or less by accident (you might call it a Freudian slip that I dialled her number).

 

[Nabä]

{damn forum - keeps throwing me out}

OK - this is the second time I'm writing the second part of the post.

To make a long story short, my (more or less) ex gf read my diary, found out some of what I had done and confronted me with it. I broke down finally and confessed pretty much everything. I thought she'd walk out on me, but she didn't, and I spent a night in hell.

Somehow we kept seeing each other and things sort of settled down, but then she confronted me again, demanding to know all the details. When precisely did I see the other girl, what did we do, what did we talk about... I kept telling her that the details were unimportant, that I had fucked up pretty much as badly as possible, but that she wasn't helping either of us by picking at these details. She kept at it, cutting me to the bone every time she wanted to, because I of course had no defence against here accusations. They were true, simple as that.

Finally I couldn't take it anymore, she was turning me into an emotional and intellectual wreck, while I was trying hard to get my act together and to somehow, with my actions from this point on prove that what I had done had been wrong and that I wanted things to be better. So I asked her to stop picking at the details, at whether "I had loved the other girl" or "how often did you kiss her" or "what did you see in her." We both already knew that I had been a royal prick, would things be any better or worse if she knew precisely how I nuzzled the other girl's ear, or whether I said "I love you" or not to the other girl?

I told my ex-gf I loved her and that I wanted to be with her if she would have me, that I regretted what I had done and that the only way I could make any kind of amends would be in the present, because I had done what I had done. She agreed to this, more or less. But today on the phone she told me she can't get over what I did, how I could be such a liar, such an asshole, how I could be in love with another girl and love her at the same time. I asked her to stop, but she didn't, and she pretty much broke me down again. So here I am, wretched and feeling like shit, no work done this morning, the deadline approaching and I have no idea what to do.

Damnit. I love her, but I can't set right what I did. I can only work now to make myself a better person, to not lie to either myself or to her, to deal with my problems before they get out of hand... and I can't bloody do that if I'm constantly being whipped bloody with what I did.

*groan*

 

[Nabä]

So yeah, this long post is mostly a means for me to clear my mind a bit. To let other people know what a prick I've been. Fuck... I don't know what I could do to prove to her I feel sorry for what I've done. When she wrecks me like she did again today, I don't know if I even want to.

It hurts, is all.

 

[Willing and Unsure]

To many different people, one of the few things that you can do that is completely unforgiveable in a relationship is cheating. That's what you did here. You didn't just go out with a friend and drink and then do something stupid. You were out looking for some other emotional/physical outlet and you found it.

Your girlfriend/ex-girlfriend is extremely upset and bothered by this. Think of it from her point of view for a minute. You decided at one point that she wasn't enough for you, that you needed more and that you couldn't get it from her and went somewhere else, that you didn't feel that you could talk to her about what all was going on with you, and then all of a sudden, you feel guilty now and that she's supposed to just pat you on the head and say "oh, it's okay, just don't do it again." She should be angry. She should be having a difficult time looking past what you did. You betrayed her trust by going to this other women and making out with her. You went too far. Just because you feel guilty does not mean she has to forgive you or let you make it right.

My suggestion to you, start moving yourself on, because it sounds pretty obvious that you weren't very happy wtih this girl and she is not going to be moving past this easily, if at all.

 

[LadyJeanne]

You clearly regret what you did, but you've been with your girlfriend for a long time, so she's feeling a lot more than regret.

All those questions she wants answers to that you keep telling her not to ask, are all questions that are running through her mind constantly, making her miserable ever second. All those questions pop into her head the moment she wakes up and are the last thing she thinks about before sleep.

Telling her to stop asking you questions about it, belittles the depth of her feelings. She's not asking you about the details to make you feel bad. She's doing it because she feels bad.

She wishes she could turn them off. She wishes that she didn't have to think about those questions. She wishes you hadn't betrayed her trust. She wants to know the extent of what happened so that she might feel better by reassuring herself it wasn't a big deal, but of course, knowing the details just gives her more to feel bad about because the truth is, you lied to her.

It's hard for her to deal with betrayal and the realization that the man she believed in, trusted, loved, was in love with, had given herself to, had opened up to, had committed to, could so easily set all that aside, could set her aside.

Either you commit yourself to trying to move past it by dealing with it in whatever way she needs, or you step back and stop seeing her.

 

[Cathleen]

LadyJ, your words were clearly from the heart. So very well said.

Naba, forgiveness is a gift, please respect her feelings and most importantly respect that gift if she gives it to you.

 

[Nabä]

and then all of a sudden, you feel guilty now and that she's supposed to just pat you on the head and say "oh, it's okay, just don't do it again." She should be angry. She should be having a difficult time looking past what you did. You betrayed her trust by going to this other women and making out with her. You went too far. Just because you feel guilty does not mean she has to forgive you or let you make it right.

I am not asking her forgiveness, I am not asking for a pat on the head.

I am asking her to either decide to let me "make it right" or to decide to let me go.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Quit grovelling and beating yourself up. Take responsibility and don't dictate to others how they ought to feel. Everyone fucks up. Repeatedly.

 

[Nabä]

Either you commit yourself to trying to move past it by dealing with it in whatever way she needs, or you step back and stop seeing her.

I don't *know* what she needs or wants, but I know that I feel like putting a fucking bullet through my head.

I wish I knew what I could do, what she wanted, what she needed... but right now, I don't think either of us knows.

 

[Nabä]

Naba, forgiveness is a gift, please respect her feelings and most importantly respect that gift if she gives it to you.

If she gave me that gift I would - but she gives me torture, not forgiveness.

 

[Cathleen]

I am not asking her forgiveness, I am not asking for a pat on the head.

I am asking her to either decide to let me "make it right" or to decide to let me go.

But you don't get a say in how to make it right for her! That's her decision. Trust will be hard won.

 

[Nabä]

But you don't get a say in how to make it right for her! That's her decision. Trust will be hard won.

Don't I know it! The question is - will I still love her when this is all over?

 

[Nabä]

Quit grovelling and beating yourself up. Take responsibility and don't dictate to others how they ought to feel. Everyone fucks up. Repeatedly.

Your point being? I have taken responsibility, I am not dictating how others ought to feel... I'm feeling wiped out because I don't know how this fucking thing will end.

 

[Cathleen]

If she gave me that gift I would - but she gives me torture, not forgiveness.

Tough luck - she has been hurt, you are the one that hurt her. Do you think the robber gets to tell the victim what consequence he will face?

You will feel more. If you really love her, you will accept that she is setting the tone here. It will hurt a lot longer for both of you. Take some time and be gentle.

 

[Nabä]

Tough luck - she has been hurt, you are the one that hurt her.

Luck has nothing to do with it. *shrug*

It's not a situation of "Oops, I fucked up, clumsy me."

I just don't know how to make the suffering end - but end it must...

 

[Cathleen]

Don't I know it! The question is - will I still love her when this is all over?

You know my first reaction to this is you think this is about YOU - it isn't! You already had you time in the sun so to speak.

If you will still love her when it's over? I want to scream you will love her more, far more. The question is will she still want to love you. Do you love her enough to sit through this pain?

 

[Munachi]

I agree with everything the others said BUT I also kind of stumbled over the fact that she read your diary. Now of course, your cheating probably is the bigger fuck-up, but I wonder a bit how much trust there was in the first place... Or is it that she suspected something? Sorry I know this is a bit beside the topic...

Anyway, yes, in the rest I agree with what the others said...

 

[Nabä]

Do you love her enough to sit through this pain?

I don't know.

 

[Cathleen]

Luck has nothing to do with it. *shrug*

It's not a situation of "Oops, I fucked up, clumsy me."

I just don't know how to make the suffering end - but end it must...

It was 'tough luck' as it tough shit pal you made your bed and now you have to lie in it.

I just can't say it enough - it isn't your time table, it is hers. You can make it end by leaving, but you will still feel it if you do.

 

[Nabä]

I agree with everything the others said BUT I also kind of stumbled over the fact that she read your diary. Now of course, your cheating probably is the bigger fuck-up, but I wonder a bit how much trust there was in the first place... Or is it that she suspected something? Sorry I know this is a bit beside the topic...

Anyway, yes, in the rest I agree with what the others said...

If you know somebody, you suspect, I guess. *shrug*

*shakes head*

 

[Nabä]

I just can't say it enough - it isn't your time table, it is hers. You can make it end by leaving, but you will still feel it if you do.

I fucking know it's all my fucking fault, I don't fucking know if I have to have my face constantly rubbed in that fact by her! I rub it in myself, dammit.

 

[Cathleen]

I don't know.

I hope you can find out. I know it's hard - try to be patient a little while and see what happens. It is going to be rough for sure but be tough and stick it out for a while. You're both raw with emotion right now. Let things settle and calm before making rash decisions.

 

[LadyJeanne]

I don't *know* what she needs or wants, but I know that I feel like putting a fucking bullet through my head.

I wish I knew what I could do, what she wanted, what she needed... but right now, I don't think either of us knows.

She's telling you what she needs - she needs to talk to you about this and she needs to ask you questions and she needs to hear how sorry you are and she needs you to listen to her pain. That's what she needs right now to get over it. Eventually, she'll get to a point where she's not in anguish every second of the day and will consider whether the relationship you had together is worth going through the hard work that acceptance requires. Eventually, she'll get to the point where she realizes that forgiving you is something she does for herself, not for you.

If this is the first time her illusions have been shattered, it will take her a long time to fully forgive you. There is no quick fix to make things better.

 

[Cathleen]

I fucking know it's all my fucking fault, I don't fucking know if I have to have my face constantly rubbed in that fact by her! I rub it in myself, dammit.

I know, you are kicking yourself harder, I know. I think many times that is easier then knowing your hurt someone else. It hurts deeper.

 

[Nabä]

If this is the first time her illusions have been shattered, it will take her a long time to fully forgive you. There is no quick fix to make things better.

*hangs head*

It is her first time. She's so damn innocent of human beings sometimes. I wish she'd talk with her friends about what a bastard I am or whatever. But she doesn't talk to anybody else about it, just me.

*sigh*

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