I finially tried this 'bdsm' stuff and dotn want to do ti anymore....

[Nusance]

I still think about it alot and fantasize about it but i really dont want to go though it again for real...

I met this girl who is dominate.... I thought i would sorta like getting tied up and spanked but holy crap did it HURT.... I had total control of what was dished out with one catch, whatever i agreed to do i had to finish what agreed to wether i wanted to or not... What i agreed to was 55 whacks with a belt..... OMG, she wore my ass out. That sh1t HURT. After #20 i was holding it in, but if i wasent tied down i would have body slammed her or something..... A few more whacks later i thought i was gonna die and was thinking what on earth did i get myself into..... She asked if i wanted to get hit easy, medium or hard, i chose medium level but i would hate to find otu what hard is like.... After 55, she said i have to stay tied down for a few more minutes. In which time she talked me into taking some with a razor strap, which is a think pieve of leather... She kept asking so i finialy said 'suuuure' My butt was getting cooled down until i had to take it again.... Dureing these licks if i hadent been tied down i would have been buckign everywhere... When i finialyl got untied i was kinda shakeing and mad but i played it cool... It was my 1st tiem doing this with someone i met at a bar thats into this. Im sort of th preppy type and she was more gothic so the people i hang out with are more into the tradional forms of arousing...... She still calls me alot wanting to talk,she likes me but i dont think my butt will hold up much longer if i keep this up... I mean, D@mn....

 

[Bondagebunni]

babe...you got yourself into a shitty ass situation. First of all...please tell me you didn't go home with her the first day you met her? that's just not safe. And from what you said...it sounds like you'd do better with a Domme who is more into D/s than s&m. I suggest having a safe word instead of "i agree so i follow through" That way you can stop at ANY time it gets too much...because you really don't know what you can handle untill you're there...and make sure you know the chick first...that situation seems kinda dangerous.

goodluck in the future...and don't give up just cause of one bad experience, but be more careful next time.

 

[Nusance]

Im not giving up, im just more into 'love taps' i guess.

 

[Bondagebunni]

Im not giving up, im just more into 'love taps' i guess.

yay! good for you!

 

[slvjenn]

What i agreed to was 55 whacks with a belt.....

Why would you agree to 55 whacks with a belt if you'd never done even one before?

being hit 55 times with almost anything would start to get a bit painful after a while....

 

[kayte]

I still think about it alot and fantasize about it but i really dont want to go though it again for real...

I met this girl who is dominate.... I thought i would sorta like getting tied up and spanked but holy crap did it HURT.... I had total control of what was dished out with one catch, whatever i agreed to do i had to finish what agreed to wether i wanted to or not... What i agreed to was 55 whacks with a belt..... OMG, she wore my ass out. That sh1t HURT. After #20 i was holding it in, but if i wasent tied down i would have body slammed her or something..... A few more whacks later i thought i was gonna die and was thinking what on earth did i get myself into..... She asked if i wanted to get hit easy, medium or hard, i chose medium level but i would hate to find otu what hard is like.... After 55, she said i have to stay tied down for a few more minutes. In which time she talked me into taking some with a razor strap, which is a think pieve of leather... She kept asking so i finialy said 'suuuure' My butt was getting cooled down until i had to take it again.... Dureing these licks if i hadent been tied down i would have been buckign everywhere... When i finialyl got untied i was kinda shakeing and mad but i played it cool... It was my 1st tiem doing this with someone i met at a bar thats into this. Im sort of th preppy type and she was more gothic so the people i hang out with are more into the tradional forms of arousing...... She still calls me alot wanting to talk,she likes me but i dont think my butt will hold up much longer if i keep this up... I mean, D@mn....

Nusance ~ That was abuse!!! You need to make sure you are in a scene with someone you trust and you need a safe word. I think you need to do a little study, and make sure you have limits set and that they are respected. Good luck.

 

[Hecate]

Nusance,

as you may have noticed by now, quite a few people have expressed - to put it mildly - surprise about your "adventure". Let me add to this... and as I write picture me shaking my head in amazement and sad acceptance.

How much did you know about hands on BDSM before you got involved with a woman with ropes and a belt? Beatings HURT! They always do! And they do specially if the one distributing them is a) either not knowing what they do or b) a sadist!

55 blows with a belt is A LOT and nothing I would want to get or consider giving, specially to a novice sub! To "top that off" with another set of smacks with a razor strap is rather ... questionable to say the least!

But...

Excuse me - you were "dying" after the 55 first ones - what on earth made you agree to the next ones?

I want to make a point here LOUD AND CLEAR: YOU and only you are responsible for what happens! It sounds odd but hell, a submissive is not only entitled but is liable to say No when his/her limit is reached! There is no reason to leave your brains at the door when entering into a scene! (It doesn't mean I I don't consider the woman in question to possibly be a power-crazed nutter without much (if any) real life experience herself - that behaviour is not excusable in any Dominant)

I could go on about this for ever but that won't help you or anyone trying to get to grips with the reality of the BDSM concept.

Fact is that you experienced the "reality" of it in a rater unfortunate and unlucky way... BDSM is about the submissive taking what the Dominant is giving. Fullstop! As long as that happens within agreed limits (and heck, you did agree after all!) this is the dynamics of power exchange. Your example makes it flaringly clear that you as a sub MUST KNOW WHAT YOU WANT! And STICK TO IT!

You can not expect a Dominant you have hardly been involved with to know (ok - I would say in your example it was quite obvious you got more than you bargained for) that what you say are your limits are not your limits!

Guessing now:
You" played it cool" ... so I assume no safewords were used and you never asked the torment to stop? Sorry buddy, but how should the Lady in question have known you didn't want it? Ypu see, struggling in bonds and ties is "part of the game" for many of us and unless you are well in tune and know your partner (which was obviously not the case with the two of you) how would you know whether it was "for fun" or you really had issues unless it was voiced clearly?

Nusance, I admie your guts to follow through with discovering the reality of something you found to be great as a fantasy ... and I am sorry to see you were unlucky in your approach to wet your toes so to speak. But your case again shows plainly that you need to be well informed and aware of your desires before surrendering that amount of power to someone else over your body! Same goes for novice Dominants - educate yourself and face your reality and personality before you take a whip (or belt or other toy) onto someones skin!

Do not feel discouraged though by this one time - just draw your conclusions from it and in the future set your limits accordingly! And stick to them - any good Dominant will respect them for a start and try to only slowly push them if they think it would be within the limit of safe, sane and consensual.

Last but not least: just because someone isn't a full-blown masochist doesn't mean he/she can enjoy BDSM and submission in a large variety of forms, shapes and shades - so go and just pick the bits that appeal to you and discard the rest - you are no lesser person for it! After all it is about JOY and ENJOYING!

 

[WynEternal]

Hecate put it in such better words than I would have.

If you ever want to try it again, make sure that you take it slow. Set limits and talk first about how much you can take. Don't be macho and go with the "no pain no gain" approach. Doing what you did with the 55 and the razor strap can really inflict serious damage.

Remember, start of slowly, gently. If you've never done it before, your body needs to build up to the really hard smacks, not go straight into it gung-ho.

Will write more later when my brain works.


edited to correct Hecate's name. My apologies for the misspelling.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Bravo Hecate!

You said all I had on my mind and more.

Ebony

 

[Ebonyfire]

The Rush to Play

THe rush to play is an urge that must be curbed in new submissives and dominants.

I refused a sub yesterday for that very same reason. To me speed is not of the essense. It takes knowledge and trust built over time, as well as technique, to make a scene go well, particularly if the submissive is new to BDSM.

Why would you put your life, health, and well-being in the hands of a stranger? And why would a dominant want a sub who is an unknown equation? Dommes have been known to be beaten up by frightened subs.

When a sub says to me he must meet me immediately, red flags come up. Why? What is the rush? If he does not have the patience to find out who and I am and to find out what he is about as submissive, he is an accident waiting to happen in my book.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

When someone hands you a cup of freshly made coffee, do you sip it until it becomes a little cooler, and then take bigger gulps, or do you just start chugging it right away, and burn the hell out of your mouth and throat?

I'm guessing you sip. And if you didn't sip the first time, I'm guessing you do now.

It's the same with anything unfamiliar. You tried the bdsm scene. You didn't do it wisely... why would you want to trust your body to someone you don't know? How CAN you trust someone you don't know? I don't understand that, but it's how you went about it. So. You got hurt. You didn't much like it. That's because you dove right in, you gulped the coffee. You gave up complete control, with no safewords, with no safeTY, to someone you'd never LEARNED. I believe BDSM partners must be learned. I learned that the hard way. And so this woman... who wasn't a very good Domme, because she didn't ask for your input, your feedback, because she pestered you until you gave in for more pain, and who didn't know you from a hole in the wall... she hurt you.

I hate to say it, but most of the fault in this is yours. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. Because now you can learn. You have the opportunity to decide that maybe you're not into pain, but are into being tied up and teased? Maybe you're into humiliation? Maybe you're into service, rather than masochism. You have a miriad of choices in front of you now that you've decided you're not into something. And I understand not being into the amount of pain you described.... but from there, I would get back on that horse (so to speak), and begin slowly. With someone you trust. Get to know someone, learn their attitudes, their limits. Set your own. Make a checklist of things you do and don't like, of things you absolutely won't do. Have safewords. And always make it understood that the safeword is GOSPEL. You say it, and something must stop.

Now all of this comes from a rather inexperienced sub, so you can take it or leave it. I do hope that you choose to explore other areas of BDSM, rather than walking away from it, because there are some truly wonderful parts to it all.

Best wishes and be well,
Vixie

 

[Ricckk]

Re: The Rush to Play

I would agree with all of the responses, Nusance. You made the mistake of getting involved with a dominant instead of a "Master/Mistress". Yes, it is a matter of semantics, but this is the difference:

I refused a sub yesterday for that very same reason. To me speed is not of the essense. It takes knowledge and trust built over time, as well as technique, to make a scene go well, particularly if the submissive is new to BDSM.

Why would you put your life, health, and well-being in the hands of a stranger? And why would a dominant want a sub who is an unknown equation? Dommes have been known to be beaten up by frightened subs.

When a sub says to me he must meet me immediately, red flags come up. Why? What is the rush? If he does not have the patience to find out who and I am and to find out what he is about as submissive, he is an accident waiting to happen in my book.

Any abuser can be dominant; it takes self control and self respect to be a "master/mistress".

 

[Nusance]

Ok, i messed up and will take it as a learning experience... I never told her to stop, although i wanted to VERY much. I did swear a little though. I 'thought' i knew this person, i talked to her on the phone.. She also liked to 'phone cyber' which i dont care for and i talked to her online a little.... I talked to her off and on for 3 or so weeks after i 1st met her with and once in that time frame in person... I havent tried other things im intrested in, i know i would liek service, humiliation, ect... Mabey some 'lighter' spanking of course.... I dont know why i jumped into it so fast, mabey i was just anxious, its hard to find people attractive and normal acting into this stuff... All the rest of the people ive spoken to thought i was to young (im 22) or were 'pro doms' and wanted me to pay them... Im not about to pay someone, lol.... Im looking for more of a relationship or friendship type thing to go along with the person im involved with in this..

But i would like to thank you all for the advice, its been a great help.... I will continue to find someone decent and take it slow as i would a normal relationship..

 

[kayte]

Ok, i messed up and will take it as a learning experience... I never told her to stop, although i wanted to VERY much. I did swear a little though. I 'thought' i knew this person, i talked to her on the phone.. She also liked to 'phone cyber' which i dont care for and i talked to her online a little.... I talked to her off and on for 3 or so weeks after i 1st met her with and once in that time frame in person... I havent tried other things im intrested in, i know i would liek service, humiliation, ect... Mabey some 'lighter' spanking of course.... I dont know why i jumped into it so fast, mabey i was just anxious, its hard to find people attractive and normal acting into this stuff... All the rest of the people ive spoken to thought i was to young (im 22) or were 'pro doms' and wanted me to pay them... Im not about to pay someone, lol.... Im looking for more of a relationship or friendship type thing to go along with the person im involved with in this..

But i would like to thank you all for the advice, its been a great help.... I will continue to find someone decent and take it slow as i would a normal relationship..

Nusance ~ Please to take it slow, and at your own pace. I you want to find the same type of joy and completeness that I have found with my Master.

 

[WynEternal]

I'm glad you're deciding to take it slow. And don't worry about your age. I discovered bdsm at a fairly young age myself, and found a lot of acceptance.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Ahem,

its hard to find people attractive and normal acting into this stuff...

Oh really? are you suggesting that people who are into BDSM are butt ugly and abnormal?

That kind of thinking will not help you in your quest for reality.

 

[Nusance]

Re: Ahem,

Oh really? are you suggesting that people who are into BDSM are butt ugly and abnormal?

.

nope. but im sorry if your not so good looking and i offended you.

I didnt mean that at all, im just saying that its not a big thing around here and that i havent ran into many quality people.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Ahem,

nope. but im sorry if your not so good looking and i offended you.

If you are being an ass, go ahead. There is no need to be disrespectful young man.

You do not know me, therefore, if you think I give a shit about what you think, think again.

Insults will get you nowhere.

You are the one who almost got his clock cleaned. Perhaps you need to learn somethings.

 

[MissTaken]

I will continue to find someone decent and take it slow as i would a normal relationship..

This sums it up.

As with any time you jump into sex too soon, it can really suck rocks.

Add safety and pain to the equation, and being careless and too anxious in a BDSM relationship becomes risky.

A BDSM relationship isn't defined by BDSM, rather by the relationship between two individuals. Building that relationship on affection, trust, honesty and communication is necessary.

And these components are necessary in any healthy relationship, with or without belts and ropes.

Good luck!

 

[Rocket88]

Re: Ahem,

Oh really? are you suggesting that people who are into BDSM are butt ugly and abnormal?...

I'm not sure what reality you exist in, but he's dead-on straight. I'm very lucky to have a beautiful little sub. I don't know how ytou girls survive; the men who are into BDSM are not exactly the creme de la creme.

Nuisance, man you gotta be cool about the Domme thing. It sounds like this girl was not much more experienced than you were. She didn't suggest a yellow word? She didn't start slow? Sometimes you'll run into a woman who just likes to hurt a man. She sounds like trouble.

And next time, make sure you can get out of your ropes if you need to. Remember, you have power as a sub; you GIVE her control. She doesn't get anything you don't give her.

Personally, I think it's so cute when chicks try to be tough. It's just adorable. I laugh and laugh.

 

[Nusance]

Re: Re: Ahem,

I'm not sure what reality you exist in, but he's dead-on straight. I'm very lucky to have a beautiful little sub. I don't know how ytou girls survive; the men who are into BDSM are not exactly the creme de la creme.

Nuisance, man you gotta be cool about the Domme thing. It sounds like this girl was not much more experienced than you were. She didn't suggest a yellow word? She didn't start slow? Sometimes you'll run into a woman who just likes to hurt a man. She sounds like trouble.

And next time, make sure you can get out of your ropes if you need to. Remember, you have power as a sub; you GIVE her control. She doesn't get anything you don't give her.

Personally, I think it's so cute when chicks try to be tough. It's just adorable. I laugh and laugh.

ebony just took me the wrong way i guess, im just saying its hard to find a quality person into bdsm, in not suggesting that there arent any. Otherwise i would have said so straight up.... Its true, not that i like it. But its a a fact and an alternative life style which only a small minority of people are intrested in, and within that minority lots of them are more of the wild side into drugs, freak stuff, ect ect.. And those people arent always the cream of the crop. I know its bad news, but dont shoot the messanger.

This girl seems pretty nice when talkign to her, i stopped calling her becaus i was mad... But she IMed me over the computer askign how i liked it, i told her it was to hard... she said she enjoyed seeing me struggle, i told her im glad one of us enjoyed it... Then she said she can be lighter next time and she wants to do some 'other' stuff other then just spank becaus it wil get old.... I think if i get back with her i will suggest a 'saftey word'... I just dont want to puss out by useing the safe word becaus thats what it would feel like im doing.

 

[AvaAdore]

Re: Re: Re: Ahem,

ebony just took me the wrong way i guess, im just saying its hard to find a quality person into bdsm, in not suggesting that there arent any. Otherwise i would have said so straight up.... Its true, not that i like it. But its a a fact and an alternative life style which only a small minority of people are intrested in, and within that minority lots of them are more of the wild side into drugs, freak stuff, ect ect.. And those people arent always the cream of the crop. I know its bad news, but dont shoot the messanger.

This girl seems pretty nice when talkign to her, i stopped calling her becaus i was mad... But she IMed me over the computer askign how i liked it, i told her it was to hard... she said she enjoyed seeing me struggle, i told her im glad one of us enjoyed it... Then she said she can be lighter next time and she wants to do some 'other' stuff other then just spank becaus it wil get old.... I think if i get back with her i will suggest a 'saftey word'... I just dont want to puss out by useing the safe word becaus thats what it would feel like im doing.

freak stuff??? that offends me. just because people have different tastes doesnt make them "freaks". the drug thing is a valid concern, however, i dont think people in BDSM are any more likely to be into drugs than vanillas.

if you are serious about this, i suggest before you do anything more in real life, educate yourself more! saying the safe word is not "pussing out". everyone has limits, and everyone can tolerate only so much pain. limits are not statinary, but they are there. calling out the safe word is ok.

that brings me to another point. you have known this girl for too short of a time. trust between a Dom/me and his/her sub are very important. you need to know the person well enough that you know theyre not some random person who's going to make fun of you and tell everyone that you're a wuss because you said the safe word.

my bf and i are pretty new to all this, and when i flog him i enjoy seeing him squirm and struggle against his bonds. if he said the safe word, i would stop right away and not think anything less of him (i also wouldnt just go for 55 hard strokes out of the blue, not at this stage anyway).

and dont call people freaks

 

[MissTaken]

Just a few random thoughts:

Nusance, I can only agree with those that are suggesting you may need to know this gal a bit better before trusting her to that degree. Safe words are great to have, but only if they are respected. Can you trust her to stop when you need her too?

Getting into BDSM is progressive. Who knows? Maybe someday, 55 lashes will be a walk in the park for you. However, and she should understand this, starting smaller and gentler is the better way to build up tolerance and experience.

As for freaks and drugs? Well, they are everywhere. Now, my suggestion is that you re read your posts before clicking submit as you may find yourself offending someone who you really want in your corner someday.

Generalizing any group of people is in bad taste and no more so in the local grocery store or bar than here.

I do think you will find that many of us here are very serious abotu the lifestyle and are responsible and open about how we incorporate it.

As with any group of people, it is always best to get to know each person on their own merit, without preconcieved notions. Then, you can weed out the freaks from the pearls.

Just my thoughts...carry on all!

 

[Nusance]

Well, if your not a tree loving drug addict hippy taking X, meth or whatever then those comments dont apply to you and if it does i dont care if your offended nore do i want your advice becaus i dont think much of the people im refering to....

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Nusance

1) You picked a fitting name

2) Pick up a dictionary

3) Use it.

4) If you're going to be venturing into the lifestyle, you're going to have to open your mind a little.. which means you can't stereotype all BDSM livers as freaks or weirdos. Why? Cus you're doing it too! That would make you a hypocrite. Am I right? Mais oui. Now then. As far as drug users go and such.. I have a lot of friends, none of which are into BDSM at all. Some are heavy drug users. I'm into BDSM... I've smoked pot 3 times in my entire life. I don't drink often. I don't have a zillion piercings or tattoos, or anything. You wouldn't be able to pick me out as a BDSM participator from a crowd of a thousand.

Oh, and.. if most BDSM livers are ugly... what's that say about you? If you're going to generalize, you're going to have to include yourself in that generalization... because you're participating in the lifestyle.