I figured this was the right place to ask this

[unusuallyconfused]

I am a very attractive wife and I also have provided all the financial support to the family. I have been married over 10 years. The first 8 years my husband would only do quickies. I would not wear any panties, no luck. I would wear lingerie, he didn't like it. He wont kiss me, dosn't like for me to kiss him except on his cock, and prefers either a dildo or anal sex which I don't like that much. He gets off, cleans up, and won't let me touch him afterwards. I have been told I am beautiful by a lot of men, I am clean, I brush my teeth, does anyone have any advice?

 

[rambling man]

You have to decide if that is how you want to continue to live, if that is how you want to go the rest of the way through. If not, your husband would have to change or you may have to find other arrangements if it is too intolerable

 

[lavender]

 

[lavender]

 

[lavender]

 

[scylis]

prefers dildo or anal sex? doesn't like to kiss you?
*scratches head*
don't take this the wrong way, but find out if he's gay..

 

[CreamyLady]

Why are you supporting him? Why do you put up with it?

Why are you asking a bunch of total strangers -- many of whom couldn't find their own asses with both hands -- for advice?

 

[unusuallyconfused]

I have no one else to talk to about it, thats why i am asking a bunch of strangers. I don't have the kind of friends I can tell my husband likes anal sex. I am wondering about the gay issue myself. He has always been Mr. Macho into cars and what not and really is uncomfortable around gays. Who knows. I have already talked to him about changing, he won't. I have kids. I have always done whatever he asks every time, but he won't compromise for me, so I guess it just depends on whether I want a be a two time divorcee.

 

[rambling man]

You have to be happy. He has his own hangups and they are no fault of yours. I wish you all kinds of luck dealing with this.

 

[rambling man]

P.S. Sometimes the only time a person can really be themselves is when they are around people who don't know them and will never really know them.

 

[CW]

P.S. Sometimes the only time a person can really be themselves is when they are around people who don't know them and will never really know them.

EXACTLY SO!!!!

Again, your decision is whether to be reasonably happy or disgruntled. It does sound as if there are some rather serious hang ups with the gent. If you two can't talk about it, then I'd have to say that there is little hope or reason for the marriage.

The macho man and uncomfortable around gay men attitude is not necessarily proof that he is not in denial of being gay.



Being a two time divorcee is not the end of the world by the way. Being unhappy in a relationship can make you wish for the end of the world though.

 

[Weird Harold]

...I also have provided all the financial support to the family. ...He wont kiss me, dosn't like for me to kiss him except on his cock, and prefers either a dildo or anal sex which I don't like that much. He gets off, cleans up, and won't let me touch him afterwards. ...

What you describe is a selfish leech who has taken advantage of you for over ten years. There has to be more to him than what you describe.

Whatever it is that has kept you with him for ten years apparently isn't enough any more. Being a "two-time loser" isn't the end of the world, at least it wasn't for me. Staying in a relationship where your partner makes you unhappy and won't compromise is a recipe for misery.

Perhaps a trial separation might shock him into re-thinking his attitude?

 

[p_p_man]

After 10 years of marriage...

...I would have thought that you would have come to terms with your husband's behaviour by now. Being totally confused does not necessarily mean that you are unhappy. Are you? And being unable to express his feeling in a more loving way does not necessarily mean your husband is gay.

Some people, women as well as men, just cannot bring themselves to show any emotional attraction to the one they have chosen to partner.

Yet at the same time they use that partner to satisfy their own sexual needs the way they want to have them satisfied without giving any thought to reciprocation. In a way it can be interpreted as a form of revenge against some hurt they received in their past.

SCRUB ALL THAT IT'S A LOAD OF CRAP...

I started off trying to write a balanced reply to your post but re-reading it - he makes you carry out sexual activity you're not happy with, you support the family financially, he shows you no emotional love whatsoever, he is sexually selfish...

What would be your reply to a post like that?

 

[unusuallyconfused]

hell, I want more, he never forces me to have anal sex, but if I didn't he would do more quickies.......I've re-read it and would say I should of.....
appreciate the advice, I'm going to end up paying alimony. I hate conflict. Maybe a separation would work, but I am really thinking he has an aversion to the things I want.

 

[jcgirl]

Ummmm. Is he gay?

 

[Merelan]

Want a hug? They already offered the good advice.
My 2 cents? Who cares if he is gay or not. It seems to me that you do the supporting, maybe he feels, subconciously, unworthy of more.
That anal sex or "dirty" sex as some people are raised to believe, is all he is good for.
Don't jump all over me, unless sex is intended,
but..
when a man feels he is supported by his wife, he feels "less" a man. So he acts less a man.
Since you do the financial supporting, are you in control of finances? And the household, and everything? Maybe he feels threatened? Maybe I need a glass of wine? Maybe you do?
God, does any of that make sense?

Hugs are here anytime you want.
See the email at the bottom? it's free and I always respond. Sometimes even make sense.
Wish I could figure a way to send you a plate of homeade brownies. They make everything better.

 

[unusuallyconfused]

He is in control of the finances and everything else including when I go out for anything. (am I that submissive?)Just moments ago after he asked what am I going to do to him, I said no, what are you going to do to me? I asked him if he would kiss me passionately, kiss my body, (I didn't get to go any further) and he replied that he does what I like.I said no we do what you like. I then asked, Is that a no, you won't do that for me and he wouldn't answer. Here we go again. He is very much in charge , so theres no problem there. I started my own business and he even tells people that he did some of my contract negotiations and he didn't. He did get the start up loan from his dad. So, his manly image is not hindered.
I just want more and I'm going to ask for for one week every day if he'll do what I want and if I am routinely denied (I'm not holding my breath) I'm outta here.

 

[Budman]

Unusually, sounds to me that you know there's not gonna be a change. As difficult as it may be for you, move on with your life. Just remember one thing, ya only gotta be happy in the end. Good Luck to you, whatever you decide.

 

[teresafannin]

I really think you need to kick him to the curb because after 10 years, I doubt he will change. Therapy can help, even if he won't go, it could be beneficial for you to find out why you put up with this kind of life. If you make the money, what does he do all day, sit on his ass being Mr. Macho? In my opinion, he is a user. Who takes care of the house & the kids? I wish you well, divorce isn't easy, but can you honestly say you want to live like this for another 10 years? Get a good lawyer, why you should you continue to support him? Take care & think of yourself & your children before you worry about him.

 

[batter]

you sound like a very caring person who will do anything to please your lover...his actions do raise some serious questions...i wonder if he is having an affair and doesnt know how to admit to it and this is his way of just doing his husbandly duty to please you.
10 years of marriage yet....my first marriage ended after 16 1/2 yrs when she found someone else and fell out of love with me.
not wanting to cuddle after making love is not natural with married couples.
good luck and keep us posted please.

 

[Celestiale]

Everyone's given wonderful advice, but I'll add in my 2 cents anyway.

You sound like a strong woman with a soft heart. Is it that you are afraid to live life alone? I can't even begin to imagine what the last 10 years of your life has been like, but you owe it to yourself to move forward, you deserve to be happy. You're already able to support yourself and your children...you're stronger than you might believe!

If your husband refuses to change, refuses to get help through counseling (or whatever) with you, then things will not improve. He sounds quite selfish.

I'm sorry that you're going through all this!

*hugs you!*

 

[unusuallyconfused]

Well in all honesty he works hard, takes care of the kids, cooks, laundry, groceries, I take care of the kids nights and weekends but I don't have too many chores to do. He tells me he is going to do what I ask, so I am waiting. I told him this time we had to do what I wanted to do, so hopefully he understands the importance.

Thanks for the advice everyone, it really was better than Dr. Joyce! So is it cheating to have phone sex?

 

[WordSlinger]

Cheating? Phone sex? God I hope not!

If it is, i'm in DEEP. I've also been cheating on my wife for some time. Your predicament sounds unusually familiar, except that i am the male half, who can't get much sex. Our relationship is not nearly what it was, meaning not only do we not have the passionate sex, but we sometimes go days without real conversation. A large part of that is due to our working opposite shifts and another part goes to our three kids. But i confess, there are many days when i'd just as soon dump her and look for a woman who wants what i want!
I'm sorry, i started this to give you some advice, but the more i think about it, the less i have. Maybe we should hook up?
Otherwise, all i could suggest would be a marriage counselor, preferably one in the sex field. I would talk with them first, w/out hubby, to make sure your values are compatable (meaning that the shrink won't say in front of your husband, "Woman, do what your man wants!"). But let him know you are contemplating ending the marriage. If that doesn't get him working on it, than the marriage is already over.
My wife and i had a very serious talk and, though we cannot afford the sex therapy we need, we agreed to each work on things the other wanted. So far, things seem to be getting better, but it is VERY slow!
As far as cheating on the phone or computer goes, i feel that as long as your body doesn't go anywhere it shouldn't your mind is free to wander (the window shopping theory). However, my wife feels that any transgression OUTSIDE the marriage is cheating. Maybe you should bring another man or woman into the bedroom and see what happens?
As to his being gay, my guess would be possibly, but more likely he has a girlfriend. A cheap PI can find out either way.

Hope i'm not too late to help you out,
Slinger

 

[WordSlinger]

Good Luck!

And if it doesn't turn out well, maybe we should get together and commiserate (I'm going through quite a bout with my wife). If it does, let me know how you worked it out, will you?

Take Care,
Slinger

 

[registered "^^"]

Good Luck

UC. all you can do is be happy for yourself and for the kids. if your not happy the kids know it, and it will eventually affect them. best wishes.