I dont understand

[Azathoth'sPet]

I have a friend (sure) who went and stayed a week with her Master and everything went extremely well. A couple days after she got home they were on the phone and she asked him if they could see each other in a couple weeks (they live about 100 miles apart, its not too far). He said no. She asked why because she was curious. He proceeded to scream and yell at her for an hour, putting her down and cussing her out. Since then, two days later, he wont talk to her on the phone (or tell her why) and he wont email her (or tell her why). He hasnt said its punishment, he just wont talk to her. Now he says he will call her tomorrow because he's having problems with something and he wont call her pet like he used to and she cant call him Master. He also wont just get it over with. He's playing with her emotions and this is her first D/s relationship so she doesnt know what to do. To me he's not acting like a true Dom because a Dom wouldnt be playing with her and hurting her like this after she gave him everything she had for his happiness. What advice would you give her since she doesnt know what she can or should do in this situation? Is this normal for this sort of relationship? Thank you.

 

[Ricckk]

Azathoth'sPet,
This is probably just what you don't want to hear. This person is being dominant. He is controlling your friend. But it is obvious that he is incapable of controlling himself and is taking whatever his frustration is out on your friend.

That is NOT what a "Master" does....and NOT what a mature person does. How can one "Master" another person when he has no control over himself?

If you are asking if this is normal in a D/s lifestyle, my answer is I certainly hope it isn't.

Your friend is smart not to accept this immature behavior.

 

[WriterDom]

If she is going to stay on the phone for an hour listening to screaming and cussing, then maybe they deserve each other.

And he's right. She shouldn't call him Master. She should him call Asshole.

 

[lovetoread]

She can hang up.

Its that simple.

 

[lark sparrow]

This sounds like a relationship problem, not a D/s problem... unless he is specifically having trouble dealing with the D/s at this stage. Could it be it was a great sexual fantasy, but the responsibility of a continuing D/s relationship is something he cannot handle and feels pressured within?

No one is perfect (including Dominants and submissives), but everyone should try to have a bit of self-control and respect in relation to their partner when dealing with problems, yes?

There are certain things we expect of our partners and relationships. If it's not acceptable to you, then it doesn't matter if it is normal in a D/s relationship or not. But I think the overwhelming response would be no, that sort of treatment is not expected nor considered a normal part of D/s.

Good luck, pet.

 

[Azathoth'sPet]

Well she just tried to call him and he wont even talk to her. She's more confused now then before. He also told her she's not allowed to break off the relationship, that only he can release her. She's not allowed to disobey this rule. He says he feels pressured. He wont tell her why. This whole thing has my "friend" confused. She wants to end it if thats what he truly wants but it he wont even give her the chance. For all the problems he says he's having he sounded just great when he picked up the phone before he found out it was her. She misses him tremendously, she adored him with everything she had and now she's so confused. I dont understand what I did

 

[bunny bondage]

your submissive nat...erm, excuse me, your friend's submissive nature is being taken advantage of. this is a danger to all of us who give ourselves so completly to another person. i know how hard it is to have to push away a master that you see as the picture of idylic grace, and worship completly. but sometimes you have to do what you know is right for you. how could anyone love you if you don't love yourself? you're smart, you can see the warning signs of a really unhealthy relationship, get out.

 

[Azathoth'sPet]

Thats the thing, I completely still adore him and idolize him. He means so much to me. I keep telling myself if I just hadnt asked why that day he wouldnt be upset like this and because I questioned him I was a horrible pet. I feel like this must have been the way he felt the whole time and I was just bothering him. I tried so hard, I feel like I failed miserably. And I still miss him. I just dont know what I did. This being my first D/s relationship I feel like I dont deserve to get in another one because I screwed this up somehow. He wont even tell me its over, and that gives me all sorts of time to think "well maybe it isnt" or "maybe he'll suprise me tomorrow and show up" but its all a joke. I just dont understand what I did. I cant say it enough.

 

[WriterDom]

How much time in person have you spent with this guy before last week?

 

[Azathoth'sPet]

a few weekends, it hasnt been for very long but he said I was supposed to give myself completely and I did. I know, I sound stupid I guess, he's called me that too. Let me put it this way...I try to be understanding about people. I understand people lose their temper. When people do things like this I blame myself and I'm trying really hard to realize that this is my fault. If I had been better, this wouldnt have happened. I just didnt know if I should expect this or not from a Master because I've never been in this situation before. I also dont understand why things changed so suddenly. He told me I was so good, I was everything in a woman he wanted, not just as a submissive. He said I pleased him greatly. Thats why I'm so confused. I dont know. I just tried so hard and screwed up.

 

[lark sparrow]

Your Master seems to want space and patience from you.

What..

beyond the things that you have no control over, such as seeing your Master and calling your Master and understanding your Master and missing and adoring your Master and thinking what you could have done differently with your Master...

do you want?

Not an easy question, but one only you can answer by focusing on yourself, and not on him obsessively. Perhaps talking to a friend, someone who really knows you and your situation will help clear your mind.... or perhaps a distraction would be helpful, to calm yourself down - a movie, or whatever form of entertainment you enjoy, walking, working out, etc. What are your interests, outside of your Master?

One more question. Do you want a Master? Or do you want this specific person you have known as Master? There is a difference. Given his behavior, are you really wanting HIM or are you simply wanting a Master?

PS These are all rhetorical questions.

 

[manohman]

Master or asswhole

This ass is not a master he's not even a master of his own life! So how could he be a master of another’s? This jerk is a selfish little kid that wants to throw temper tantrums and jump up and down as if he is 5 years old. It's time someone told this ass to grow up and move on... And you ask who will? Well send him to me I'll teach him what a master is and what true punishment can be, he can be a girly-boy for a few good men....










and death was just the begining...................................

 

[Azathoth'sPet]

there are other things I want for myself. I go to college. I love doing crafts. I like art and music. He's not my entire life but he's a big portion now because I thought that was how it was supposed to be. Giving him space isnt a problem and I can see where he'd want that (I think you're right about that for sure). The only reason I guess why I'm having a problem with it is because he went off on me and now is ignoring me. I dont know whats going on, I'm so irritating about things needed to be cut and dry. I probably just annoyed him away. Sigh.

I've thought about the other question you asked too, about whether I want him or just a Master. For sure I want him as my Master. I'm not just happy having anyone for a Master (not that there is anything wrong with that). I like to be involved with the person who I'm obeying, I like to behave because I know what that person wants. I guess if he does leave I will search for another Master after I've given myself time to get over this and maybe the next time I'll have learned my lesson and not give in so fast but I'm not sure thats right either.

Grr, I'm so confused

 

[Kri]

I've been I guess what you could call a lurker here for a very long time, but I really feel the need to say something.
Azathoth's pet I'm sorry you're having such a problem with your early experiences in d\s. What I really think you need to do with all of this is to apply what I hope you know about relationships with anyone else you have. You should never have to put up with someone treating you like crap, and it sounds as if that's what your master is doing. Anyone who truly cares about you should never call you stupid, or anything to make you feel less. In a healthy relationship the person should do their best to make you feel better, like more of a person. Also, in ANY relationship that you're in, with ANYONE, D\S or not, you have EVERY right to stop the relationship if you so please. NO one should ever feel as if they are obligated to be in any sort of relationship just because the other person says so, especially in a D\S relationship where the submissive can be put in such vulnerable situations.
I really hope you realize that none of this is your fault. Even if anything you did triggered his actions, it doesn't seem as if he's dealt with things in a mature way. Even if you did something to annoy him, and scare him off (which I honestly doubt) there are far better ways to handle the situation than screaming at you on the phone, then completely ignoring you.
Azathoth's pet, I really hope you work this out. I really don't think this is the type of relationship you want to be in.

 

[HzDomme]

Azathoth'sPet,

Short and to the point....

Please get out of this relationship now while it is in it's beginning stages. NO ONE has the right to treat you like he has.

A good BDSM relationship is negoatiated not dictated.

 

[SexyChele]

Pet ~

This man is no "Master". Not even close. A dominant who is worth his salt knows how to communicate - and that includes if he is having "problems" he needs to work through. A true dominant who cares for his submissive doesn't "go off" on her, and certainly doesn't berate her. Period.

I'm wondering how much you truly know about this man? Can't help it, but from the info you are giving here, I'm wondering if there is a marriage or other long term committed relationship that is part of his "problems".

In a D/s relationship, you never give up the right to say, "This isn't working for me, I want out, I'm leaving." You don't need "permission". He certainly isn't the only one who can end it. At this stage, and after what has transpired, I would say a simply email stating that since he has choosen to be distant and will not communicate with you about this distance, you have decided that it is in your best interests to leave. Wish him well, and get on with your life. Yeah, it can be tough, I'll agree. But think on this: you have not known this man for very long and he pulls this little stunt, leaving you feel inadequate and as if you have failed. Let's say he calls tomorrow and everything is rosey and peachy. You two are back together and all is well. What happens when he pulls this stunt again? This is where the cycle of abuse begins. If he believes he can hold you with this type of behavior, and if he feels he can get a certain type of behavior from you, this is a ploy he will try again and again and again.

You have the power to end it.

There are dominants out there who are caring, giving, and great communicators. Being inexperienced, you need to find one who is willing to teach, who is patient, and who can communicate. Don't be so quick to jump into a Master/pet relationship! Take it easy, take it slow! Get to the know the man, and let him know you. It might take weeks, it might take months. But the end result will be something you can treasure.

You are getting some great advice here. I can only hope you can hear it through the pain in your heart.

 

[Cirrus]

You can, and should end this relationship. Now. I know how you feel though, I've remained in more than a few unhealthy relationships, hoping it would get better, hoping I alone could make it work, "knowing" that if I left him, I'd never find someone else. And guess what? It didn't, I can't, and I always have.

It'll be painful, but the pain of staying in a relationship like this is ultimately worse than ending it.

 

[Pure]

Hi Azathoth's Pet,

From your initial description of the outburst, it occurred to me that perhaps you're not the cause at all. It's quite conceivable he has something else going (i.e. relationship) hence that is why the one with you must be kept in strict bounds. So it's not instructional in the good sense, at all; it's a lesson, "Don't cramp my style." (Hence the intensity.)

If my idea is right, and it's not that hard to check, you have to decide is you want to be one of a 'string' (harem), or if you care that "your" Master has other amusements (affairs).

Best,
J.

 

[Azathoth'sPet]

An update...

Today he and I talked. He has just gotten out of a long relationship ( I just recently found this out) and didnt take the time to get over it. I fully understand that, I've been in one before and the thought of being alone is horrible. Unfortunately when you get into another relationship you can end up treating the other person like garbage, taking out your frustration on the new person without meaning to. This was the case. He feels horrible, but thats also why he said he knows he just cant do this right now. He needs to take time to heal. He apologized and said I did nothing wrong at all, and if it had been better timing and he felt better with himself that he wouldve been happier (although he was happy, he just felt awkward and pressured). I'm glad it got resolved. I'm glad that he apologized and told me it wasnt me. He and I are going to remain friends because I know what he's going through right now and if he wants someone to talk to I'd like him to feel free to talk to me. I always just wanted him to be happy and I know that was his desire but right now (understandably) its hard for him to deal with all thats going on. I just wanted to make sure to post this because I'm sure I put us both in a bad light out of my own confusion and anger and stress of the situation, considering I had no idea if this was to be expected or not. I want to thank all of you that posted suggestions and that helped me. You helped me realize that this isnt typical and he knows that too. He was just having a rough time. Thank you all again for your support.

 

[manohman]

What ever

WHATEVER BUT WHEN THE NEXT ONE HAPPENS DONT COME CRYING AROUND HERE! THIS GUYS IS A BUM A LOWLIFE SCUM THAT SEES HIMSELF AS SOME KIND OF MASTER HAHAHAHA YEAH RIGHT... ANYWAY ITS YOUR CHOISE AND YOUR WORLD.

 

[WriterDom]

It's a little odd that you'd know this guy well enough to call him Master, yet not know that he recently got out of a long relationship.

 

[Ricckk]

It's a little odd that you'd know this guy well enough to call him Master, yet not know that he recently got out of a long relationship.

This illustrates an unfortunate and altogether too common experience. It can be a delicate and confusing matter for a submissive to determine at what point s/he should devote him or herself to a "Master". In my opinion, it is ultimately the failure of the dominant to allow this to happen. It gives all of us a bad rap.

 

[Cirrus]

Pet, this is abuse. While he may not be breaking bones and then sending you flowers, that's exactly what he's doing emotionally. If he isn't over his ex, he cannot be with you totally, and cannot be your Master.

He's rationalising and making excuses for his bad behavior, and YOU'RE LETTING HIM!! You think he's not going to do this again? Stop kidding yourself.

I hate to be harsh, but after the whole Artful/dream bullshit we've put up with, the last thing we need here is a repeat. And the last thing YOU need is a "Master" who's an emotional child, and an abusive, manipulative one at that.

 

[Vulpesvulpes]

I would be willing to bet...

that this guy is married.

It sounds like exactly the kind of shit a married guy does when he is cheating on his wife.

He calls you but does not want you to call him, he wants to keep you at arms length but not let you go, he reacts badly when you call him at home, he makes excuses for his behavior but will not change it, etc.

"I just got out of a long relationship, I'm still married but we are separated, I am going to leave my wife just as soon as..."

-Sound familiar?

GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THIS SO-CALLED dom!

-Vv

 

[Azathoth'sPet]

I thought I said it (but upon rereading my post I realized I didnt) but we broke up. He said he cant do it, I dont deserve this kind of treatment and he's only doing it because he hasnt figured himself out from his last relationship. He made it very clear that I didnt do anything wrong and he was sorry but that didnt excuse what he did. I am glad that he saw what was happening and ended it, although we will still email as friends and friends only. He very much realized his reactions were out of line, without me having to say anything and he also realized that he wouldnt be able to change those things without taking time out for himself. He didnt want to hurt me, and he knew he would if we continued because he just wasnt over her. Its over though, I'm sorry I didnt make that clear. I do need to change my name though, thats the next thing . Thank you all again for your advice. I'm going to stay around this board though and try to learn more stuff so I dont get into something like this again.