I don't understand the groveling and pain part of BDSM

[sexwhiledrving]

I would enjoy being tied up by a leather clad dominatrix, sexually teased mercilessly, brought to the edge of ejaculation again and again, and become her sex toy. But I don't understand the groveling part. I wouldn't grovel for her, and for that matter I wouldn't want anyone to grovel for me. And I really don't understand the pain part. I really don't like pain, and I wouldn't find it sexually exciting to have it inflicted upon me. And for that matter I wouldn't want to cause anyone else pain or find that exciting either. So I guess what I'm asking is there a difference between bondage and BDSM? I kind of always thought they were the same thing, but I'm realizing only part of the BDSM lifestyle sounds appealing.

 

[CutieMouse]

There are plenty of sumbissives who are masochistic... there are just as many who are not.

There are plenty of submissives who relish humilation/groveling/etc... there are just as many who do not.

I tend to view BDSM as a ultra-kinky sushi buffet... you may eat as much as you like, but just because they have spider rolls, doesn't mean you have to eat the spider rolls- you might want a California roll, instead, and as long as the person you are with enjoys California rolls as well, it's all good.

 

[Shankara20]

I would enjoy being tied up by a leather clad dominatrix, sexually teased mercilessly, brought to the edge of ejaculation again and again, and become her sex toy. But I don't understand the groveling part. I wouldn't grovel for her, and for that matter I wouldn't want anyone to grovel for me. And I really don't understand the pain part. I really don't like pain, and I wouldn't find it sexually exciting to have it inflicted upon me. And for that matter I wouldn't want to cause anyone else pain or find that exciting either. So I guess what I'm asking is there a difference between bondage and BDSM? I kind of always thought they were the same thing, but I'm realizing only part of the BDSM lifestyle sounds appealing.

I do not enjoy humiliation play, from Top or bottom, but I do enjoy power play, control play some say, as Top. I love intense stimulation, both as a giver and as a receiver when it is given by one who what they are doing. That little smack on an ass can be delivered in a slowing growing-more-intense way that eventually a powerful full hand hit can feel wonderful. That same hit delivered without a build-up can be beyond my ability to enjoy - it can hurt in a very painful bad way.

We all tend to use BDSM as a short hand, or we say "that thing that we do" because BDSM as words just does not capture the essence of it. There are a number of threads that discuss in very fine detail the difference between "bottom" and "sub", what it means when you say "top" vs "Top" (capital "T") for some the words have great meaning, for others the words don't matter at all.

Good luck sorting it all out for what is right for you, these discussions can help - or drive you crazy. If it feels good hanging out here, hang out and to hell with the labels more-or-less.

PS - welcome

Shank

 

[Aeroil]

The groveling thing, much as it doesn't appeal to me, is all about the power. Some dominants enjoy having a sub grovel as it is a display of their power over them and they like that, similar for a sub in that they enjoy having that power over them. Orgasm control, that you mentioned, is similar, just another exercise of power. Not one I understand myself. Okay, you are able to limit my fun... but why is denying it fun for you? agh. I am perhaps to generous a person to understand it :3 Pain, I understand a bit more in that it's a physical thing, much as a mental. Some people just enjoy the sensation... some also enjoy, once again, the power aspect. For doms It's probably more mental, sadism, and for subs it's more physical, or so I would think.

hmm, now I'm curious...

 

[LadyAria]

BDSM is a buffet. You choose what you like and put it on your plate just like everyone else. If someone else's plate is unappealing, it just means you have different tastes. There is much more to BDSM then bondage.

 

[Tuomas]

BDSM is a moniker that covers such a variety of things, that you can't say, "it should be this way". Of course there is some basic structure that separates it from "vanilla", but that's it. That's why arguments of "true" BDSM are really silly...

So, if you like some things, and don't like other things, good for you. Now, we've just all got to hope you will find someone who likes the same things you like, and dislikes the same things you dislike

 

[ammre]

Ditto the sushi comment.

Heck even the acronym breaks down
BDSM
BD= bondage and dicipline
DS= Dominance and Submission
SM= Sadisim and Masochisim

Pick your flavors, mix and match too!

 

[SpectreT]

Everybody, sing it along with me:

"There is no Truth. I have my truth. Yours may differ."

That said, I'll feed my psychological exhibitionist streak, and discuss my truth.

I don't go in for the grovelling, begging, bootlicking bullshit myself. The fact that I used the phrase "bullshit" tells you just how low such things rank for me. I've carried enough self-esteem issues in my life, I'm not opening that can of worms again, ever, if I can help it. If I respect someone, they'll know it without the pleading and begging and praising to high heavens, while "I am merely a worm." <insert barf emoticon here>

Since I identify as Switch, that goes for both ends of the leash. The bootlickers wouldn't like me much as a Top or Dom.

As to pain, well - that's a different beastie.

Some pain, in some situations, I like. Don't get me wrong, it hurts, but it's the kind of, "Ow!ow!ow!ow! Shit that hurt! Damn, do it again!" kind of hurt. I've never been so far that I'm floating on endorphins, but I've definitely gotten an Adrenalin rush from hurty stuff before.

On the top end of things, well...

I like to share things I enjoy.

 

[callinectes]

There are things I enjoy that would make some run screaming into the night. Others would find it hopelessly boring. As long as you and your partner are in agreement and enjoying yourselves, it's all good.

 

[Ebonyfire]

One of the reasons I encourage people to get educated is so that they may become knowledgable about the subject (of which there are many different facets). With knowledge comes understanding. Understanding is different from liking or disliking, approving or disapproving.

With understanding you can make intelligent choices about what appeals to you. Many times people make assumptions based on what they think they know rather than what really occurs.

Many tasks associated with the avalible lifestyle choices are used to test obedience within a power exchange. Many may be fetishes or fantasies.

To really find out what works for you as an individual, you must get educated, and gain knowledge. Take what fits for you, and leave what does not work for you. It is all about choices.

Good luck to you.

Eb

 

[neonflux]

I think that I need to bring my primary to this thread

 

[DVS]

I'm not into the groveling thing, either, ah but humiliation is fun. I'm very much into the physical power and mental control aspect of it all. I'm into dishing out pain, too.

And only certain kinds of pain, not just pain for pain's sake. It can vary from a very little pain to what the submissive might think is almost too much. But, it's mostly in their mind, because of the mental control. If you say it just right, you can make everything seem so much more powerful than it actually is.

Now, speaking of the power of words...this talk of sushi buffets and all is making me hungry. And I don't eat NOTHIN' that was once alive and wigglin' unless it's cooked well done. Go figure.

 

[subtleone]

I like pain - to help you to understand - the sensation of the pain starts an adrenaline rush which turns me onto overdrive, and then I get high on endorphins. I also love the fact that the sensation can still be felt long after the session is over. I'm positive this is not the same for everyone; but then my favorite colour is green and no one ever questions that!
I am humble in the presence of my Master but not grovelling; he is in charge, it is the way I like it.
Apparently there are some people who only ever have sex in the missionary position and only ever on the first and third Saturday of the month, that's just unbelievably freaky to me, but they have happy and healthy relationships that last forever. We are all different and some of us are lucky enough to hook up with someone else who shares our wants and needs.
Good luck with your foray into the world of BDSM, I'm sure you will find what you need and love every minute of it.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Groveling?

I do not think I have ever seen anyone groveling. Certainly none of my subs or slaves grovel. They can and do crawl, they can and do kneel. But I personally would not call that groveling because it has a purpose and it is also purposeful.

Eb

 

[Evil_Geoff]

But T... having someone worship your boots with their tongue can just be so incredibly HOT! *shivers* O... M... G...

And my being a sadist, well... that whole pain thing, as long as I'm inflicting and they are consenting, it's ALL good!

Rope? I have lots of it! Let me introduce you to nawa shibari!

Oh! Sorry! I'm getting carried away here. *LOL*

Pay attention to Eb... she has good things to say and makes a lot of sense most of the time!

 

[Ebonyfire]

Pay attention to Eb... she has good things to say and makes a lot of sense most of the time!

Most of the time? LOL

 

[Aeroil]

I'm not into the groveling thing, either, ah but humiliation is fun. I'm very much into the physical power and mental control aspect of it all. I'm into dishing out pain, too.

And only certain kinds of pain, not just pain for pain's sake. It can vary from a very little pain to what the submissive might think is almost too much. But, it's mostly in their mind, because of the mental control. If you say it just right, you can make everything seem so much more powerful than it actually is.

Now, speaking of the power of words...this talk of sushi buffets and all is making me hungry. And I don't eat NOTHIN' that was once alive and wigglin' unless it's cooked well done. Go figure.

I read your stories, there is no humiliation in them. NONE AT ALL

This seems to correlate with my hypothesis of sadism being mostly a mental stimulant.

You've never had a blue rare steak before? Poor you >:3

 

[Betticus]

I would enjoy being tied up by a leather clad dominatrix, sexually teased mercilessly, brought to the edge of ejaculation again and again, and become her sex toy. But I don't understand the groveling part. I wouldn't grovel for her, and for that matter I wouldn't want anyone to grovel for me. And I really don't understand the pain part. I really don't like pain, and I wouldn't find it sexually exciting to have it inflicted upon me. And for that matter I wouldn't want to cause anyone else pain or find that exciting either. So I guess what I'm asking is there a difference between bondage and BDSM? I kind of always thought they were the same thing, but I'm realizing only part of the BDSM lifestyle sounds appealing.

Well, it's just something that you have to live with. Love hurts and steals your pride no matter what you do.

 

[Quint]

..............

 

[sexwhiledrving]

I get bored to tears with orgasm denial and control. Just not relevant in my lifestyle. My BDSM is not better, it's just different.

How is it different?

 

[DVS]

I read your stories, there is no humiliation in them. NONE AT ALL

This seems to correlate with my hypothesis of sadism being mostly a mental stimulant.

You've never had a blue rare steak before? Poor you >:3

I don't understand most of this post, but that's nothing new. I've just got to eat more Canadian bacon or something, I guess.

But, just because my stories don't have what "you" consider to be humiliation, doesn't mean there's none in there. Humiliation is a personal thing. What is humiliating for one might not be for another. Simply being stripped naked, then bound and gagged and put in a room full of strangers can be humiliating to one person...but another might enjoy such treatment, and what happens next could be a lot of fun., in either case.

And, what you find in someone's story doesn't always mirror the author's kinks. A good writer can draw a picture of violent sex or great ravenous passion, not having experienced either, in their personal life. Personally, I like to write what I enjoy, for the most part. At this point in my life, I think it's a way to enjoy my kinks, when I don't have a naked female to torment and use.

Sadism being mostly a mental stimulant? Everything sexual is first a mental thought. Physical acts are always created in the mind before acting out. And all of them are enjoyed in the mind, with or without the physical. But, if one is lucky enough to have the physical, the enjoyment is obviously enhanced.

Never had a blue rare steak before? No, never. Never had rickets, either.

Sorry for the slight hijack...now returning you to your local station.

 

[Quint]

..............

 

[SpectreT]

But T... having someone worship your boots with their tongue can just be so incredibly HOT! *shivers* O... M... G...

And my being a sadist, well... that whole pain thing, as long as I'm inflicting and they are consenting, it's ALL good!

Rope? I have lots of it! Let me introduce you to nawa shibari!

Oh! Sorry! I'm getting carried away here. *LOL*

Pay attention to Eb... she has good things to say and makes a lot of sense most of the time!

Well, I was more referring to the metaphorical bootlicking than the actual physical bootlicking, truth to tell.

Nawa Shibari? Think I dated her once upon a time. She was a little... asymetrical for me, aestheically speaking. Twisted, nasty bitch, though. Liked her style.

(For those who don't know, that last bit was awful humor on my part, and my main goal was to make Evil Geoff spew beverage in laughter. Hope it worked.)

 

[Evil_Geoff]

(For those who don't know, that last bit was awful humor on my part, and my main goal was to make Evil Geoff spew beverage in laughter. Hope it worked.)

*LMAO after cleaning the screen*
BASTARD!
^5!